We Have Come So Far To Have Gone NoWhere!

I remember the stories of how black clothes would be draped over mirrors in a home and widows would dress in black for a designated period of time.  I didn't think much about it as I listened to these customs.  But now I think about them.  Why?  Because I wonder have we really advanced our thinking on grief or mental illness?  People mean well when they say things they don't realize how deep some things cut.  One such thing I have heard many times over the past month is "Oh Dear God, he was your only child?"  Would it make a difference if I had others?  I don't know because I don't have others.  I have 1.  One I carried, gave birth to, fought for in court, fought for during injustices throughout his life, fought for his rights in education, and fought to save his life.  While I won many battles I lost that war.  I have also heard things like you will be fine in a month or so.  REALLY?  I don't feel like I will ever be ok.  NOT EVER.  Is that why decades ago women dressed in black to mourn the loss and then just one day dressed "normal" again?
Yet today, many have been raised to believe if you don't talk about it (grief) then it won't be there.  Unfortunately that just isn't true.
Today I feel like a puzzle with a million pieces to it.  I can't get my puzzle put together because so much of it is missing.  You know that feeling?  Not the corner of the puzzle but the middle of it....the whole middle of the puzzle is gone...not in the box, not on the floor, not anywhere to be found.  I have cried at everything today.  I have bitten the head off my husband for simply asking if I was going grocery shopping before or after lunch...which made me cry again because I had done that.  I began to cry as I was filling our drinking water bottle.  I was able to breath through it and hold back until I got to the truck to load groceries....then the floodgates opened.
I reflected on things today as I did only one task (because that is all the energy I had).  I have sat at watched shows that were recorded over the past month that we need to catch up on.  About all I can tell you is it was Master Chef but I couldn't tell you anything about challenges or who was eliminated.  Mostly I thought.  I thought about how I had tried to help Jared since a small child but was met with opposition by Jared's Dad who was being controlled by Jared's Grandmother.  How Jared would return from visits with bags of sugary treats and Mountain Dews even though the medication he was given by his therapist strictly prohibited such intake as it could have severe consequences.  They justified it by saying he didn't need his medication because they never have any problems with him and they didn't give it to him.  They had total disregard for Jared and what his physical body was enduring.  Teachers could always tell when he was going for and returning from visits.  They said he would act up in class completely out of character for him.  At home we had issues with bed wetting all throughout elementary school.
I remember when Jared was in first grade and he told his therapist, who then reported it to me, that Jared said "they" planned on killing me and throwing the "Bitch" into the woods where no one would ever find her.  I called my ex-husband and questioned him about it.  He laughed and said yes Jared heard it but he didn't say it.  Like that was ok to allow Jared to hear things like this?
More recently in one of the last court battles where his Grandmother was trying to gain custody or Jared's Father's visitation schedule, text message transcripts were introduced where the Aunt continued to call me a Bitch and how it wouldn't be long until they had him away from me.  All he needed to do was tell the judge he wanted to live with them because I was a bitch.
Why, when you know a child has struggled with a form of mental illness for so long would you say such horrible things to them?  WHY?  The only answer I come up with over and over is they refused to accept anything that would "blemish" their perfect reputation in town.  Well there is NO hiding that mental illness took Jared's Dad from this Earth and it also took Jared.
I am NOT ashamed of my son's condition at all.  He was an extremely bright young man, kind young man, talented young man, and one Hell Of A Soccer Keeper.  Yet with all of this he still struggled to process anger from childhood, grief from his Dad's death, and anger he harbored toward his Dad's family for hurting me.  While I didn't care how they felt about me, still don't, I tried to get Jared to understand I am a big girl and like they say....sticks and stones may break my bones but their words would not hurt me.  Well I was wrong about that.  Their words did hurt me.....they took Jared from me.
Yesterday I retrieved his phone and tablet from the VIPD and began going through the phone.  I have read text messages and emails between his Dad's family and him and nothing had changed.  As recently as the 12th, they still were talking smack about me and how it would be better if he lived in the house where his Dad committed suicide so he could be closer to his dad like his Grandma and Aunt felt in that house.  How it wouldn't be long and he would forever be with them and away from me.
I don't think I will ever forgive them for ignoring, and feeding, his mental instability.  I do plan on forgetting their existence soon.
I pray for the other two young boys left in this wake of denial.  I pray that their families will protect them from a fate that is unnecessary.
One of the brothers attended Jared's memorial in Waverly.  Yes just one of Jared's family from his Dad's side attended.  That brother hugged me and as I hugged him I prayed for him.  I prayed he would find healing and strength to understand and process all the grief his young soul was enduring.  His mother and grandmother were there and I know with their love and strength they will ensure that whatever care he may need will be met despite any opposition.
All this to say, we have come so far with medical advancement and understanding of mental illness, yet some are so embarrassed that they refuse to acknowledge it and seek treatment.  So we have gone nowhere.  Why?  We get treatment for everything else don't we?  Even STD's are treated quietly and discreetly.
One of Jared's friends has organized a team to walk in the Music City Out of the Darkness Walk on Team Jared's Keepers.  This is sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention a group who sponsors Beyond Just SADD.  Remember those organizations?  MADD and SADD?  I am beyond Mad and Beyond Sad....I am walking to represent not only Jared, but Jared's Dad Daniel Martin (2010), one of Jared's soccer coaches who took his life nearly 14 months ago (2013), and a dear friend from our re-enactment group who lost a child to suicide.  So I think this team name has gained multiple meanings....he has Keepers in Heaven and Keepers still on Earth who will help educate and support those who need it.

I am not ashamed of Jared for being mentally ill

I am not ashamed of Jared reaching out to counselors for help

I am not ashamed of Jared for being extremely grief stricken

I am not ashamed of Jared for being angry

I am not ashamed of Jared for taking his life

I AM PROUD OF MY SON WHO TOUCHED SO MANY LIVES IN SUCH A POSITIVE WAY!