A few days ago I had to do the normal shopping for the house. I found myself still grabbing items and putting them in the cart unconsciously because Jared would like it. This is Jared's favorite he will be surprised. Then I would realize what I had done and put things back. I would do things like that constantly. While moving my desk into the office packages of pencil erasers and packages of multicolored ink pens were in one of the drawers from where I bought them for $.18 when they were on clearance. I have tablets and folders to last a long time.
When I arrived home and while putting the groceries away I realized I have enough food to last a very long time now. Jared was thin but could eat like an elephant. I don't know where he put it all. That night I made pasta and began to cry. Rich asked me what was wrong. ...I told him I was sorry I made so much food. He hugged me and said no problem he would eat it all. I know he stuffed himself to help me feel better.
I don't know how long I will continue to see things and start to buy them or think Jared has to see this or I can't wait to tell Jared about this. In a way I hope it never does go away. I have been told by other mothers who have lost children in their teen years that they are forever this age. So Jared will forever be 17. I will watch his friends grow up, go off to college, get married, have children and Jared will still be a rising senior.
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