Dropped Into An Empty Nest

One of the hardest issues to deal with since returning home is being dropped into an empty nest. I had been preparing myself for about six weeks for the loss of Poco.  He had been diagnosed with kidney failure and his throat was collapsing, common issues in the Bishon breed.  I had sat up all night rocking him.   He had slept in bed with me so I could listen for him,  which we never allowed he always slept in his kennel.   I guess since March I had entered into a grieving process.  But "that" night he slept in his kennel which allowed me to be able to say I love you Jared Good Night and for him to respond Good Night love you too mom.
Jared, while I was concerned he might try,  was a shock in more than one way to just be gone.   The timing was unexpected,  he had plans,  he was making plans. I had spent nights in December and January awake all night listening and watching Jared to make sure he didn't hurt himself.   I realized last night I was the first and last person to hold Jared.  Isn't it ironic that for nine months Jared only existed inside me and now he only exists inside me again?  
Since returning home I sometimes cry ay the quiet.   I sometimes cry when I make Rich's breakfast.   Why?   Simple, my routine has for years consisted on waking up, letting Poco out of his kennel as I was waking Jared up, then letting him in getting his breakfast do he could eat while I was making breakfast for the family.   Following meals Poco would play a game with Rich or Jared where they would act like they would take some of his food and he would growl and nip at their toes AND if they had socks on he would try to pull them off in the game.   I would hear tiny toe nails clicking on floors, barking as Rich lowers the for rest on his recliner.   I would have the constant,  Mom can I..... and Mom do you know where my_____ is I can't find it.
Now I have only to make breakfast for Rich.   I have called for Poco to go out with me as I went out so he could potty.   I have called out to Jared to see what he would like for dinner.   I have picked up my phone and began to call Jared to ask him to pick something up on his way home. .... and then I cry.
Everything is different.   I have so few dishes to do.   Food intake has drastically declined in the house.   Laundry has become a 7-10 event compared to every two to three days.  
Most people have the adjustment period to phase into the empty nest.  I was just dropped in.   This has left strong feeling of emptiness.   I shared with Rich the other night I feel so empty I want to adopt a child, I want a dog I can't take this quiet.   I know neither of those would be healthy for me right now. But we are trying to learn ways to cope with these feelings on top of all the others.  
So maybe that is what the people who asked if Jared was my only child meant and knew. Maybe they knew the feelings of empty nesting and couldn't imagine going through it and the loss at the same time.
I had someone ask me a couple days ago how I was feeling.   I told them i didn't just feel i had been dealt a bad hand of cards,  I told them I feel like I have been sat down at a table to play a game of cards that I know nothing about with a group of people who are speaking a language I don't understand.
Tomorrow will be one month without Jared.   I am hoping that it also ends the subconscious counting of weeks every time Saturday comes around.
I also have to be thankful.   Thankful for wonderful people here in the VI and St Croix specifically that helped to expedite all the paperwork and processes so I could get Jared back and begin that healing process with his family and friends.   Island life is much slower and there isn't an exception when it comes to government paperwork. Our paper prints funeral schedules.   If you look at the picture you will understand some families must wait weeks or months before all the paperwork is complete.
You are probably wondering why I say I am thankful for this.   Well because,  I may be feeling grief and empty nesting all at once but at least I can feel it.   I am not having to stress over paperwork.  I can focus on healing and grieving.