Independance Day

Yesterday was a beautiful day when it came to weather.  It was dark and cloudy otherwise for me. I tried to enjoy the blue sky, the festivities, and family.  As I sat and looked at the sky which looked like it had been photo shopped,  I thought how Independence Day had a new meaning for me now.   Jared took his life to get independence.   He was under so much pressure to be someone he didn't want to be and should never have been made to feel that way.   Just a couple days before Jared left us,  He broke down as I walked into his room.   He was boarder line hysterical.   He was screaming he didn't want to be a cop,  He didn't want to work on fucking air conditioners,  He didn't want to wear his dad's clothes any more,  He didn't want to have to live his Dad's life anymore.   He wanted to be Jared and go to college and play soccer.
I was in shock at what I had walked in on.   I took a breath and said first of all let's not drop the F bomb and you are Jared you are not Dan. You will go to college and you will play soccer if that is what you want.   I then tried to lighten things up a bit by telling him I wouldn't let him go to trade school to be a mechanic because he didn't have the patience to trouble shoot problems.   He was always calling me out to help him work on his vehicles because of his lack of patience.   I hugged him and told him I loved him.  He hugged back and said he loved me too and thanked me for loving him.
In the days that followed I made myself begin to clean his room.   Some things were easier than others.  As example,  the empty pop tart wrappers I chuckled at and tossed.   The water bottles he had lemonade in that have now become a science project. .... gone.   But other things like his towel are still hanging with his scent in it.   I can't wash it. ... not yet.   I had a box to put items in that had come from his Dad's family that I planned on shipping to them.   After all they are my ex husband clothes badge etc.   Problem is there are only a couple of things in the box.   A blanket he was given one Christmas that he never used with his name and an A.C. tractor.   There is his Dad's dive log book a snorkel, a Cardinal snuggie, a picture of his dad by his new squad car. ... but that is it.
The dog tag they had made up,  the Menard Country Rescue Squad polo that hung in the closet,  the badge,  the t shirts,  the swimming trunks. ... gone.   Did he bury them in the days leading up to the end?   Did he throw them away?  What did he do?
I don't suppose I will ever know that answer.  
What I do know is Jared has found his independence from the pressures he felt to replace his dad.   He has the independence to be Jared,  the awesome keeper in heaven playing for the God's Goalies or Heavenly Havoc or whatever their team name is.  
I know he enjoyed watching all the fireworks last night as he held Poco during the loud ones.