When people pass you always think of the items like clothes and cars but what about the personal things? We so often forget about the personal things. There are some personal things I am struggling with so much. I am was able to finally take Jared's bed apart and wash his sheet but I can't wash his pillows, pillow cases, or blanket that I made him that he loved. I can't deal with his toothbrush. I can't move his bath towel, still hanging as he left it. Why? Yesterday Rich and I were talking about razors and I thought Jared had a couple he hadn't used. But when I got them I noticed blond hair in the corners of the blades. For emotional reasons Rich did not want to use them. I threw them away but as I did I began to cry. Why? They are just razors! But they are Jared's razors. Why can't I clean his disgusting bath tub with all his soccer dirt in it? WHY? I am down to moving the trundle to the bed and again I am stuck. After taking all the clothes out and sorting them into piles by size and like items together I find toe nails and blond hair in the corners of the trundle. Why can't I just clean it up? It has set here a week! Dang it Deb get the pledge and a rag for God sake and clean it. But I just cry. I will make myself today clean it. I must, I have no choice but to do it. The bathroom items on the other hand will have to wait for another day. Everything I touch of his has a memory attached to it. EVERYTHING! But some things are just so personal that it is intense. I wore his class ring for about a week after he passed. He was so proud of that ring and it took a lot for me to afford what I did, but it was his first piece of nice jewelry.
His Urn with his mode of transportation God gave him (his remains) is now a personal item for me. I touch it ever so gently. I traveled with it wrapped so perfectly and securely. Rich insured he was always between Jared and other travelers who had no idea what I was carrying on my back in a soccer backpack. I look at everything so differently. I don't want to let go of what I had to already let go of. Why?
His cup still sits in the cabinet waiting for him. His towel and his dirty shower still await him.
Today, I will once again try to start his scooter and take it to the shop to be looked at. I have only tried to start it one time and it wouldn't fire then it just stopped trying all together. I am hopeful that today I can get it down there. I don't know what to think or do with some things but I know with the love of Rich and family and friends it will all be dealt with in time.
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