Grandma

Well it has been quite a while since I last blogged.  Lots has changed with me and the world.  In the past week I have had stories about Grandma shared with me.  And I would like to share them with you.
Grandma Walters - Jared was born on her birthday in 1997 and she was 91 years old that day.  I took Jared to see her in the nursing home and she just thought he was great.  I don't really remember seeing her much as my Dad passed away when I was 8 and the family scattered like pool balls on a break.  In fact, I only remember 1 times ever going to her house as a child and I don't have any memories of her coming to our, although I know she did.  Recently I attended at funeral on my Dad's side of the family and heard stories.  My Dad's side was/is Catholic and winters in Illinois are cold, thus resulting in large families.  Several of the siblings told the same story at different times, almost identical.  How my Dad would come to their house and tell them how he wished their mom was his mom.  I thought to myself, haven't we all wished that at some point in childhood?  Well as the time went on more and more came out.  My Grandmother was cold to my Dad.  Didn't have much attention for more than one at a time.  Well that explained why my Catholic Grandmother only had 2 children.  She only had time for one son, and from what I understand that wasn't my Dad.
I began to put pieces of the family puzzle together and I have prayed about this and talked to God asking for some answers.  This is what I feel happened.  I think my father grew envious of his younger brother.  My father was known as Cookie, a nickname I understand from childhood and a girl involved...lol.   My uncle was known as Sprucy....you know why....spruced that hair back for the girls.  Well anyone that knew Cookie would tell you he had a way of knowing how to make lots of money.  They will also tell you he couldn't hold on to a penny of it.  He had a brilliant business mind, but lacked financial responsibility.  He also lacked self control with the booze and women.  I think all of this made my uncle envious of my Dad.  My Dad started a trucking company and my uncle followed by becoming a driver.  My Dad married a woman named Joann, and my uncle married a woman named Joann.  Of course my Dad divorced and married and divorced and married and was in the process of a divorce with my mother when he passed away.  I have learned that men who do these behaviors are seeking a love for themselves they never got from their mother.  Sidenote: that is why it drives me crazy right now to see all these women play the victim card about sexual harassment.  Not right, not saying that but why are they behaving that way?  Does it go back to longing for the love from a mother?  So, while I have struggled with my father's deplorable behavior when it came to women, I am now understanding it.  Don't like it, but understand it.  Grandma Walters lived a long life and her precious Sprucy was her apple in the eye.  So when my Dad would piss off his cousins by telling them he wished their mother was his mother, it was actually the best compliment he could have ever given them.  It was a child's way of saying your mom really loves you, wish mine loved me that way.  I also heard a story of one cousin letting the anger go when my father ran into their house and my great-aunt Rose held him tightly in her arms and he embraced her in a hug with no intentions of letting go.  That too was a way of a child saying, thank you for loving me - when I am not even your child.  Today my father, grandmother, and uncle all lie in the same cemetery, no where near one another.  Kind of ironic isn't it?  My father lies in the back of the cemetery near the timber flanked by friends and drinking buddies from days gone by.  My Grandmother rests next to her husband, who I never had the opportunity to meet but have a middle name in honor of him.  My uncle resides in a new part of the cemetery right up by the highway, not near the mother he had living in his home and was the favorite child of.
My Grandma DeLong - Oh Grandma DeLong was the one I knew the best and have so many memories and wisdom from.  Like the time she took me to church but I had no church clothes so she took the clothes off the Raggedy Ann Doll and dressed me in them - the Tomboy Debbie - in a dress, a Raggedy Ann dress off a doll.  I remember hiding under the pew in church where my grandparents always sat.  Next to the isle last row, so Grandpa could get to the door for greeting members.  Then that dreaded moment of children's time....off to the front pew I had to go....it was awful.  I am stilled scarred from it all.  Well since that time, I have learned a lot from that, you do with what you have and your respect the Lord's house.  So if a Raggedy Ann dress is all I have to wear today, I would do it.  Grandma came from a large family, mostly girls and one boy...feel sorry for him don't you?  Edith, Edna, Eva, Elsie, Esther, Jim.....ummmm yep that is the way it was.  My grandparent's home was always open.  You needed a place, you always knew you were welcome.  I remember one weekend when I was helping my grandmother clean her house (which I did for her every weekend after my grandfather had his stroke) and my grandmother sharing some wisdom with me.  Didn't know it was wisdom until I got older.  She said, "We can't pick our family,but we can pick the ones we claim."  GRANDMA????  My sweet, cookie baking, ornament sewing, sock darning, made from scratch everything grandma who nursed every creature possible back to health just said this?  Well flash forward many years.  I have had an appreciate for learning my family history and Jared enjoyed it as well.  In fact, I learned more through his investigations than my own.
Today I found a letter my Grandmother had written to one of her sisters who had been mean to another sister and telling lies to a doctor.  That letter was quite blunt with the way she felt and when she cursed she used _ _ _ _ _ to replace the letters...but you could tell what she was saying....lol  If the letter would be written today it would basically say you are bullying this sister with the help from that sister and the one being bullied has never said a bad word about any of you, she only cares for you and loves you all, yet you all treat her like this.  My Grandmother did not like people who would lie and she would call you out on it....even doing so to her own daughter - which is one of the reasons I have the feelings I do for her.  I saw too much first hand.
I have learned through the years all the hell my grandmother lived through.  She was raised by an uncle because her parents passed at a young age, lived a very hard life, loved my grandfather with her entire body, raised 2 children and after they were married had an - OMG moment and having a 3rd child.  I am chalking all 3 up to immaculate conception because I know my grandparents could have never had sex.  Especially when their children are grown!  She had surgeries on her legs and had to wear wraps on her legs for as long as I can remember.  It was unreal to me to see the wrappings off because her legs were so tiny and thin.  She had many health issues she battled and rarely complained.
Both my grandmothers lost a child, so we all 3 were/are Angel Moms.  Something I am sure none of us ever wanted to be.
I found this handwritten note from my grandmother to her "mean" sister and I will share it with you, and I hope it makes you think as much as I have today and find peace from it.

I Asked God "Why"

I asked God "Why did you send this cross, 

The hurt and pain and the bitter loss?"

And I found it hard not to complain,

As I sought for peace of soul again.

I asked God "why did you destine me

For such a special misery?"

And it seemed somehow that I heard Him say,

"Man does not walk an easy way.

It's the ones I love the most that I 

Send crosses to sorely try,

Remember this and know that there

Will come no grief you cannot bear.

Behold, I stand beside you in

Each sorrow 'till the very end,

Dear Little lamb stay close beside

your Shepherd 'till the eventide."

What blessed joy it was to find

His footprints ever close to mine.

He made the sadness disappear,

With words of comfort in my ear.

The pain of which I was afraid,

was lifted from me as I prayed,

Leaving such a light that I 

needed never doubt or question why.

Grace E. Easley

Burn the Cloak of Shame!

Recently a friend invited me over to share a glass of wine and catch up on life.   We had returned to her home after enjoying lunch at a local cafe feasting on southern style meat and 3 and our sweet tea all while sitting outside breathing in the sweet Tennessee air.  I am not sure we stopped talking from the moment we saw one another.  It was one of the most uplifting and somehow spiritual conversations I have had in a long time.  We spoke of the struggles a mutual friend of ours deals with from the suicide of her child.  That turned the conversation to the cloak of shame conversation.   As if it was Jared showing up to join in, a bird flew up and sat near us on the step, then in the tree next to us, followed by my 3 birds soaring high above.  Birds are, and have been, my spiritual connection to Jared since he passed.  My friend shared how she can't believe the way some people still react to us and how people's fear of suicide makes them act in rude and unnatural behaviors. 
I can't believe Jared will be gone 2 years tomorrow.  At times it is like I lost him yesterday, and other times it feels like forever. 
I looked back and I realized that each time someone has tried to put the cloak of shame on me (as if I am wearing the scarlet letter ) I have refused to put it on.  In some cases, I think I have put it on them, for shame on them for trying to make me be ashamed of my child.....like H&!! you will.  Maybe I have not allowed this because I acknowledge the only way to stop suicide is to talk about it and let people know there is a support system. 

For as long as I can remember, I would hear adults talk about suicide and everyone would chime in on the "why did it happen" theories.  You know what I am talking about.  Husband cheating, wife cheating, money problems, criminal problems, losing their house, blah blah.  What I have learned is that we are an instant, fix it now, generation.  If I can't find the answer on Google, I don't need it.  Remember the days you had to go to a library and use the card catalog to look stuff up?  WATCH IT, I AM NOT THAT OLD!  Seriously, that wasn't long ago.  If you haven't walked into a school library recently, you might just be shocked.  In fact, I walked into the "library" at my Alma Mater and it was now a lunch room.  No books, just tables and vending machines.  The librarians desk is used to house the popcorn machine.  Anyway, we want it now.  Remember when you were a child and you got hurt?  We weren't rushed to the ER our parents washed us off, wrapped it up, and kissed our booboo and off we went again. I still have scars to prove it.  Other times the solution was to rub dirt in it and keep going.  Dr Mom always had the answer.  Windows were open, so were front doors, and kids bounced between houses getting goodies along the way.  Candy from one, ice pop from the next, glass of Kool Aide from another.  Over the years, we have all learned to isolate ourselves.  Don't believe me?  Are your doors and windows open and can you hear nature?  Or are they sealed up tightly with your air conditioner running because you are hot?  Do you talk to people in person or do you text and chat online?  Do you sit on your front porch and visit with neighbors and family or in your LaZboy?  

Well most likely you sit in your house with your AC on high chatting with people electronically.  The right now approach.  After all, visiting would require planning of some kind, traveling for someone, and undivided attention.  

Well with suicide, there are no right here, right now answers.  Not when you are doing all you can to save a life.  Not when you are picking up the pieces left behind.  Not anytime.  Not about any part of it. It is a multi layer issue.  That is why most people want to look the other way rather than tackle the issue.  It is like trying to capture a cloud for most of us.  Just when you think you will capture it, it changes form, and it is impossible to capture.  Just as no two clouds are the same, neither are suicides.  

Suicide does not mean the person lost was not loved, or did not give love.  In fact, it is quite the reverse.  They often are surrounded by so much love and give so much love, that it is incomprehensible when they are lost to suicide.  How can that be?  They were such a happy person.  They were so loved.  Suicide has NOTHING to do with amount or lack of love, it is far deeper than that.

Suicide is a method of death.  Equal to all other forms of death.  What does separate it is it carries a HUGE stigma.  A stigma that is at times enlarged by culture, by color, by age, by socioeconomic class, by profession, just to name a few.  I live in the Caribbean and I have found that both culturally and in the black community, suicide carries a larger stigma than in the white community.  It carries a larger stigma than those in the Latino community but the Latino's here have a larger one than whites.  I have become close friends with a black lady here who lost her son a few years ago.  He was off at college in the states when he took his life.  She struggles because of the stigma associated form multiple directions.  She fights back each time someone tries to put that cloak of shame on her.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.  My child struggled with a disease that we could not find the root of.  A disease that was being treated.  He was a great kid/young adult.  Why should I be ashamed?  I should be ashamed because of their lack of education on the subject?  I should be ashamed because they are uncomfortable saying the words?  

So just try to put that cloak of shame on me again.  I will remove it from my shoulders each and every time.  I will give it back to you or burn it - be prepared.  I have enough weight to carry everyday in my grief, I don't need unnecessary weight from a stupid cloak.  

So if you happen to be around with the cloak of shame is given to someone.....stand with them as they refuse it.  If they are struggling, help them take it off.  

Last week, because a group of teens in Tennessee refused to wear the cloak of shame something great happened.  A bill was signed into law.  A bill that mandates more training for schools and now requires every employee of the school be trained in suicide prevention, intervention, and post-vention.  Schools must also have policies and procedures in place with a student reaches out for help or when an intervention needs to take place or for the wake of the aftermath.  This bill strengthened the Jason Flatt Act and was named Jared's Law #JaredsLaw.  Nashville took to supporting the law and lit a downtown bridge up red on Friday night of CMA fest, ironically Chris Stapleton was performing that night and had just received an award for his suicide awareness song, Fire Away.  

No matter the cause of death, I hope you never allow the cloak to be worn by anyone, ever again. #burnthecloak.

Below is photos of Nashville lit up Red and Governor Bill Haslam seated with Senator Kerry Roberts, AFSP Shannon Hall, TSPN Misty Leitsch, TSPN Executive Director Scott Ridgway, Jared's Keepers Student Ambassador Cameron Eanes, Jared's Keepers co-founder and Director of Student Outreach Kelsey Neeley, Mrs Dianne Roberts, Representative Mary Littleton

Life, It's Different Now

I am not sure what exactly has caused some of the changes in my life, but I am guessing it is a combination of losing Jared, moving to an island, getting older, and experiencing many things.  I was reading a book on the first leg of my trip today which then got me to reflecting on my own life.  Two things I no longer do is: wear a watch/worry about what time it is and start my day with news and weather. 
When we lived in Nashville, the TV was our first alarm.  It was programmed to come on with Channel 4 news.  We would wake up as we listened to weather and traffic reports.  Not anymore!  I will let it all be a surprise.  I really don't care if it rains, I find I love the smell.  Traffic, well goves me time to talk to God.
This goes hand in hand with time.  I no longer wear a watch, rarely look at my phone for time, and based on the attach of mosquitos I know it is time to fix dinner. 
I have come to appreciate every thing God gives me.  I laugh at things that used to make me angry......most of the time. 
Todays travels have been full of those.  Rich carried my suitcase out to the truck for me and was frustrated at the empty water jugs that I carry so I can stop and fill them.  To me it is easier to have them with me than trying to remember at that moment.  I acknowledge with child loss, memory also can go.  In his frustration, he sat his wallet and phone on the back of the truck......and forgot them.  We were about half way to the airport when he remembered.   I looked back and found his wallet was still there, I honestly don't know how, but no phone. ....his only lifeline to me traveling.  Our sweet neighbor went looking for it as I continuously call it and try to calm Rich down who is visibly upset and sick to his stomach.  As we pulled onto the airport someone answered hos phone....it was our neighbor, she had just found it. 
I have thought about this quite a bit.  Had he of just been calm about a silly thing that is a visual reminder to me to do an errand, he might not have had bigger frustrations with the phone.  Of course, any airport trip is adventurous and today was no different.  I met each one with a smile, chuckle, and sometimes a smile as I was shaking my head.....like at the young men who didn't want to pay for overweight bags so they thought they could carry on a duffle bag full of tools....FOR REAL pipe wrenches, hammers....not little household ones either.   Then onto boarding.....I laughed out loud with the gentleman next to me as half the flight stood to be preboarded needing assistance.   Well AA recently changed the policy to 1st Class and active military followed by AA credit card holders....woohoo my lucky day!
I laughed at each experience so far today and take things as they come.  I find I see blessings around me if I take my time and slow down a bit. 
Try this exercise, sit quietly for 30 minutes anywhere.   No phone, no technology, no tv, just sit.  What do you see that you don't notice every day when you occupy that same space?  Do you see a blemish on the wall not noticed?  How about a flower?  A bird you haven't seen in your yard?  Notice life around you, don't let it pass you by. 

The Keeper

def: a person who manages or looks after something or someone.

Sports def: A player assigned to protect the goal in various sports.

One of Jared's coaches told me that he was placed in the most important position for all the team.  This position was not only to block the ball from entering but it was to observe, digest, and act as a "coach" from the field.  This position needed to be able to reassure the team he would stop any ball that had gotten past them, or in other words "he had their back".  This position was to coach and cheer on his team and motivate as this position had a better observation of the game then even the coach.  

I watched Jared closely in his position he had been given after that talk.  Being the over protective mother I was, I was concerned that was a lot of weight just put on his shoulders.  I saw him take that weight and grow stronger from it.  He learned to do exactly what the coach needed him to do and to also communicate with the coach for the coach to make better decisions.  

This week has been one hell of a week for me.  Downs, Ups, drowning, flying, exhaustion and completely helpless.  These are just a few of the emotions from this week.  

I began to think yesterday afternoon as I felt Jared's presence very strong, about the true meaning of a Keeper.  I remembered what that coach had told me.  I remembered watching Jared become a strong Keeper, both physically and mentally.  I also thought about this:  Jared is still the Keeper.  He is keeping his team going to stop "block" suicide (stop the ball).  He is putting each of us in our position on the field and putting a support system in the stands.  He is putting people at the gate collecting money to insure the team can continue to play on a level field with good lighting, and a successful outcome.  He has put the coaches in place that cheer on the team members.  He has more team members than ever before signing up to join his team.  We have a great defense!  I also thought, just as the best of the best teams out there, once in a while a ball will get past all of us.  No matter how strong our defense was/is.  So, I can scream for a minute but then, just like Jared, I have to get my head back in the game.  

Our Keepers across the US and around the world are growing in numbers, our defenses are getting stronger.  Our cheers are getting louder.  Our name is getting known.  Our mission is being heard.  Our "goals" are adding up.  

I hear often from those who knew Jared that he is proud of me and the work I am doing.  I think he is most proud of holding his team together.  See my gift to Jared pales in comparison to that he gives me each day.  He made wonderful, strong willed, determined, driven friends and he gifted them all to me.  Without them, I couldn't continue nor would I have ever started.  

I wish Jared would have taken his hurt from losing his father and done what Kelsey and I have done with ours.  He would have had all the same supporters.  

I look forward to heaven.  I really do.  I can be with Jared again and watch he and his team "God's Giants" or "Heavenly Havoc" playing some awesome soccer.  I am sure that it is the greatest place, it has to be with all the beautiful Angels that live there with God.  

Triggers

We all have "triggers" that instantly take up to happy or sad places in our lives.  It could be the smell of a cologne, perfume, flower, food, or pungent smell.  I have triggers that take me to happy and sad places as well.  The smell of dirty, stinky, sweaty, soccer.....takes me to a happy place believe it or not.  It reminds me of all the time I spent with Jared watching him do what he loved to do.
This Christmas I found a new trigger that was not pleasant at all.  In fact it brought nightmares to me.  It is a family tradition with my in-laws to watch, It's A Wonderful Life.  Didn't realize until this year how many times in one day they play the movie.  I also didn't fully recognize the plot.  Do you know it?  If you were to have asked me a couple of years ago I would say it was a Guardian Angel sent to make George understand all the blessings he has.  While that is true.....let's go to the beginning, where Gabriel was sent because George was getting ready to take his life......that is right....suicide.  I never picked that part up until this year.  Man did it come crashing down on my like a building collapsing and taking my breath away.  I tried to occupy myself with my phone playing mindless games until my battery went dead.  Then, I had to leave the room.  I could have brought it to the attention of everyone but there was a fear of doing so.  After all, I am an advocate to stop suicide, why would this silly movie get to me so much?  Well the only way I can explain it is this.  Touching someone on the arm with a new unsharpened pencil would not hurt.  Yet if I did that on the arm with an open wound it would hurt beyond words.  All holidays are open wounds when we are grieving for our loved ones.
I have had to learn many coping mechanisms to get through each day.  Some are easier than others.  I am not sure that Christmas will ever get easier.
I know that I have had many triggers and some I am able to flat out ignore before I get to the point of "out of control" with them.  As an example, the media sensationalizing suicides and homicides.  We don't need the details!  When I think there is a trigger in the article I won't read it.  Others are unavoidable.  Much like learning the breathing techniques for labor, I have had to learn how to breath for grief.  Sounds silly doesn't it?  Yet, it is true.  I have had to learn to breath at all sometimes.  I have had to learn to breath short quick breaths and slow into longer, deeper breaths to slow my heart rate down from strong emotions to keep from hyperventilating.  I have had to learn to breath with long exhales to clear my mind, emotions, and gain control over my thoughts.
For me the worst part of triggers is they can bring happiness and sadness at the same time.  Pictures do this often for me.  So many times I smile with happiness and cry with sadness at the exact same moment.
As we start a new year, I pray no parent will have to lose a child.  I pray no person will have to suffer.  I pray for peace of heart for those who are grieving.

Wise Words From Grandma

When I was in early elementary school my grandfather had a stroke which left him incapable of taking care of himself.  This was devastating to him as he had been an active farmer all his life.  My uncle was well known in our community and had much rental property in our small town.  My uncle lived on the corner of our block and our house was beside it.  My uncle had recently purchased a property on the other side of his which backed up to the back side of our property.  The family chose to move my grandparents in to that location to allow us to all assist in taking care of my grandfather.  In our family putting someone in a nursing home was just not what we did.  In fact it was always my grandparents who took in the elderly in the family to care for them.
My grandfather needed assistance with everything and my grandmother had always been the sickly one.  So we were only a phone call and a holler out the window away.  It was hard on Gramp to allow any of us to help him out and see him the way we all must in order to take care of him.  We had to assist in every way.
My grandparents were kind people, yet like most seniors they developed a very sharp tongue.  It became sharper each year and the filter we all carry began to disappear.  Looking back on it this is probably why my grandmother shared some things with me when she did.
Throughout my years living at home I would clean my grandparents home each week and earn money for camps and other things.  I would also help my grandmother with balancing check books and she tried her best to teach me how to cook.  That seemed to come naturally to her and not to me.  She also taught me that you don't have to have all the fancy gadgets to do things.  I learned to iron with her metal iron she heated up on the stove and a towel on the kitchen table as a board.  Let me tell you she ironed EVERYTHING including the sheets and pillow cases.  Laundry was hung out on the line to dry with every opportunity with the underwear located in the middle line and outer wear, towels, and sheets on the outside lines.  Underwear went up last and came down first.  I wonder what they would think these days when girls wear them as clothes.  LOL
One day I remember cleaning and a family member came over that we all kept a close eye on for multiple reasons.  I asked grandma why she even allowed him in.  She responded that you can't choose your family but you can choose the ones you claim.  I was taken back by that answer.  But I think of that often.
I also think that works in reverse.  While we may not be family by blood, we can choose who we connect with as family.
Grandma also told me many other things that were wise.  First, use your fine silver often or it will tarnish.  She said even if it is just eating bologna sandwiches and beans.  Use your good china and silver.  Now was she planting a seed to nurture?  Because unlike my grandmother with an amazing green thumb, I on the other hand have little luck.  But maybe she was also explaining to me that just because something or someone seems to be extremely valuable, they are not if they just sit and are never valued for their purpose.
She also said never go to bed mad or you will wake up mad.  She was right.  Tried that once and learned my lesson.  Not again.
She also taught me how to focus on the things needed to be done first while putting the others on the back burner and pulling them up one at a time.  I do that often.  As example.....Today I must grocery shop to eat tonight, tomorrow I have a radio interview for our event on Saturday so in the morning I will prepare for that, Friday finish last minute items for Saturday and get rest, Saturday morning set up and event, Sunday or Saturday afternoon send thank yous out, Sunday rest, Monday my birthday and Rich has planned a great evening out with friends, Tuesday....rest, Wednesday prepare for Thanksgiving as much as possible, Thanksgiving make all the side dishes to Rich's smoked turkey.  Friday Jump Up, Saturday and Sunday - rest.  Then the following week begin promotion for Giving Tuesday.  Then focus on the Red Out Nights coming up and helping the new Keepers Clubs get everything organized for them.
Grandma taught me a lot.  Much I didn't even recognize until years after she was gone.

Reflections

I returned Friday afternoon from another trip to the states to talk to teens about suicide prevention and awareness.  I spoke at high schools and middle schools.  I even had one PTO meeting and a Chamber of Commerce Meeting.  While the Chamber meeting was pretty self contained, we had a great response from those who attended.  The PTO meeting was at a school that had been touched by suicide.  What is sad is that the parents of the young man lost were present and saw first hand the empty offerings that come when a loved one is lost.  I don't think it is only to suicide this happens but during all losses.  People who say they want to support you and learn more and they will be there for you, but they don't show up.  If you have ever lost anyone then you know who I am talking about.

Yet, I feel so overwhelmed with love when I talk to teens.  They are genuine, speak from the heart, and mean what they say.  They don't offer empty promises.  They have a pure love and they know empathy.  They ask questions with an extreme purpose behind them.  They have a desire for knowledge to solve a problem and when they are empowered with helping me solve the issue of suicide they step up and are loud and proud to save a friend.

So where is it between teen and adult that we lose that?  Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty gestures of kindness?  Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty promises?  Where is it we lose the desire to change the world for the better?

I am amazed when I tell teens I need something done, something seemingly unobtainable, and they get it done.  I sent 19 students to the Tennessee State Capitol last February to help the AFSP get the message out about suicide prevention and awareness to the Legislature.  It filled my heart to listen to all the stories from each of those young adults when they left about getting to talk to every elected official except 2 that refused them.  The innocence of it all is they didn't have appointments to see any of them, they just walked in with a News Camera Crew and like magic they got in to see the official.  They didn't know you needed an appointment, they just did what they felt should be the way.  I have to agree, it should be, it once was, even at the White House you were allowed in to see and talk to the President.  Oh how times have changed.

I got to talk with Keepers Clubs and my oh my how I left with a full heart.  I talked with individuals and groups.  I listened to them tell me of Senior Projects, events they had taken part in, upcoming trips, struggles, and triumphs over dark times.  I felt Jared near them all.  I talked with administrators that are struggling to help struggling students.  How they want to take the pain away and make the children better.  I talked to parents and community members who were amazed at the students in their area taking on suicide and making adults talk about and help them fix it.

I talked to friends from school that I was close with, grew apart, and now are close once more.  I talked with friends who were once casual acquaintances who are now strong supporters of my efforts and in my inner circle of friends.

I met with law makers to help draft legislation to make a real difference and to help the students achieve what they feel is necessary to combat the issue of suicide.

While at times these struggles I feel with prevention and awareness are legitimate, they quickly give way to the acute awareness that my target audience is hearing the message loud and clear.  This also gives way to frustrations at times because so many administrators are stuck between what they want to do and what political powers are telling them to do.  How very sad!  I will say this, I do hold those "political powers" and "avoid at all cost" parents accountable for every teen lost.  That blood is on your hands.  I wonder how you would feel if that blood belongs to your own child.

Wouldn't it be great that if we didn't talk about a problem it would just go away?  Well then, stop talking about sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, budgets, low income, crime, homicide, race, etc.....it will all go away if you just stop talking about it.  If only.

I met a wonderful principal along my travels this time too.  He is a giant teddy bear.  I think his students feel the same way.  He towers over them all but is quick to offer a hug and a kind word.  He also took some extreme action to make a talk to his students take place.  He was amazing.

I wish the adults had an open mind like the teens do.  I wish they had an understanding and grasp of the real problems the teens are facing.  I wish.......so much.

What Has Changed?

This is a question that has been eating at me for a week now.  While feeling warmth from the display one of our Keepers Clubs did in Illinois and all the positive media coverage it got a punch in the gut happened.  Oh I knew it would just wasn't expecting the age of the individual.  I always prepare myself for the rudest of rude people.  I saw the comments, how about you display all the lives lost to mass school shootings or how about you display all the murder rates?  Truth is I could add all those up and include all the deaths from our military and they do NOT equate to the number of people we loose from suicide.  Sometimes I just want to unleash and say, why don't you look up Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc before you ask such dumb questions?  But I don't.  But then a retired man posted this...my 90 year old mother said that people who couldn't handle problems in her day were locked up and restrained if needed.  Seems we are missing something.  What has changed since then?
Full disclosure, I read that comment while sitting on the Boardwalk sharing adult beverages with a couple of friends and my husband.  I told myself, while I had a knee jerk answer to wait until morning to reply.  Which I did.  My answer started out with EVERYTHING.  So even after answering him in a mature way this still has been eating at me. WHY?

The actions of those who share this world with us continue to point this out to me.  First, I shook my head the entire time I responded to that man.  Thinking to myself, he is seriously asking me this because he doesn't understand.  He wasn't being rude.  So I Googled It....That is one answer.

1913 The zipper

1914 Motorized movie cameras

1915 Pyrex

1916 Electric power drill

1917 Radio tuners

1918 The superheterodyne radio circuit

1919 The pop up toaster

1920 The hairdryer

1921 The modern lie detector

1922 Electric kettle

1923 Self-winding watch

1924 Loudspeaker

1925 Modern day can opener

1926 Tevelox robot

1927 Aerosol can

1928 Baird Television Department Company television

1929 Car radio

1930 Jet engine

1931 Electric razor

1932 Electric can opener

1933 The Teasmade tea maker

1934 Zippo lighter

1935 Radar

1936 First voice recognition machine

1937 Dirt Devil

1938 The biro ballpoint pen

1939 Helicopter

1940 Modern color television

1941 Artificial heart

1942 The turboprop engine

1943 The Slinky

1944 Kidney dialysis machine

1945 Clock radio

1946 Disposable diapers

1947 Kenwood food mixer

1948 First pager

1949 Photo-Pac disposable camera

1950 Alkaline batteries

1951 Power steering

1952 SAGE modem

1953 Black box flight recorder

1954 Regency pocket radio

1955 Breathalyser

1956 Behind the ear hearing aid

1957 Casio digital watch

1958 Pacemaker

1959 Black and Decker cordless drill

1960 Stereos/hi-fi

1961 Kodak Instamatic

1962 LED.. light-emitting diode

1963 The Telefunken ‘mouse’

1964 Plasma television

1965 Y. Hatano’s pedmoter

1966 El-Gi 1:12 Ferrari radio controlled car

1967 Polaroid

1968 Smoke detector

1969 The Internet

1970 Digital thermometer

1971 Handy pocket calculator

1972 Multi socket power plug

1973 The Ethernet

1974 Breville sandwich maker

1975 Kodak digital camera

1976 Lithium batteries

1977 Mattel Electronic Football

1978 Victor HR-3300REK – first VHS video recorder

1979 Texas Instruments Speak and Spell

1980 Sony Walkman

1981 Epson HX-20 – the world’s first laptop

1982 Sony Watchman – CD player

1983 Commodore 64

1984 Sony Disc-man

1985 The Leatherman multi-tool

1986 Bose noise cancelling headphones

1987 Sony super VHS camcorder

1988 Digital mobile phones

1989 World Wide Web

1990 Nintendo Game Boy

1991 Nintendo SNES

1992 Palm Pilot

1993 Dyson vacuum cleaner

1994 Digital cordless telephone /Mega Drive

1995 PlayStation 1

1996 Audio Highway – world’s first MP3 player

1997 Motorola StarTac

1998 Panasonic portable DVD player

1999 DVR by TiVo

2000 The Trek Tech/IBM – flash drive

2001 Apple iPod

2002 PlayStation 2

2003 Blackberry 6210

2004 Samsung OLED TV

2005 Xbox 360

2006 SanDisk Micro SD

2007 Apple iPhone

2008 Beats by Dre

2009 Twitter

2010 Apple iPad

2011 Kindle Fire

2012 Nexus 7

2013 PlayStation 4

This list is from literock969.com of Northfield, NJ

So a few things have changed since his mother was a child.  Likewise accountability is no longer understood.  We constantly hear people screaming they have a right to know this and a right to know that.  We have a responsibility to protect too.  Example, the leaks of the spies that were gathering intelligence for us that an individual took upon himself to expose and ultimately cost them their life.  Yes he had a right to know, but more than that he had a responsibility to that human life to keep it to himself until they were safe.  

Recently the Halloween displays that are causing controversy are the same. People have a right to them.  They also have a responsibility to children not to cause emotional harm, to law enforcement and the tax payers to insure that countless hours are not spent insuring the display is not real people, and to anyone who has experienced such horror.

The media has also changed.  When I was a child the news would have NEVER shown anything as graphic as it does today.  Let alone think nothing of showing it.  I remember being home sick when President Reagan was shot.  I was only in 2nd grade but remember it well.  I also remember the news anchors being overwhelmed with grief and sadness and would not show the actual moment the President was shot.  They showed up until and taking down the suspect.  But actual footage did not get shown after the live coverage until years later.  

I would also say a mega shift in parenting has taken place.  More people have babies than have families in my opinion.  They have babies for multiple reasons.  I hear people say it often that they need a break from parenting.  Nope that didn't happen in his mother's time now did it?  Mom was at home with the children and had a full time job there with gardening, mending, cleaning, etc.  Now we run to Wal-mart and grab a new item instead of fixing anything, we hire people to clean our houses and do floral gardening not vegetable gardening.  We go to the local Farmer's Market because it makes us feel good to have "organic" food.  Then we run by McDonald's and grab dinner for the family on the way home.  So what has changed?  

We had children go to school far fewer hours with a higher quality education too.  Oh boy stand back while the arrows fly at me for that one.  IT IS TRUE!  The students of a 100 years ago didn't go near the number or hours they do now.  They are no smarter now than then in fact some would argue they are far less intelligent.  The children had chores before school and after school and responsibilities to the family.  Now, many children won't see their parents for two or more days and they certainly don't eat anything until they get to school.  So the schools had to extend their days to allow time to eat, nap, exercise and release the built up energy of the children.  Then after school programs were put into place.  Homework, HOW DARE YOU CRAZY SCHOOL MY CHILD HAS TOO MUCH TO DO TO DO YOUR STUPID HOMEWORK.  Don't believe me?  Log onto Facebook.  I see parents posting all the time how their child has 2 worksheets and they don't understand why the teacher doesn't let them do it at school they have sports and shopping and this and that to do no time for homework.  (eyes rolling)  Gone are the days of home from school, have snack, do homework, play outside.  

So when did the F-bomb turn into an acceptable adjective?  Wow do I remember when my mother THOUGHT I said the F-bomb.  Let alone my grandfather.  Now toddlers are flipping the bird on posts by and with parents and dropping the F-bomb like an infant drops their pacifier.    I think we can say they are not bombs any longer.  

Criminal activity once upon a time was frowned upon now it is glorified.  We celebrate those who climb to the top of a flag pole and rip down government property.  We see nothing wrong with people getting angry and burning down stores and stealing everything they can get their hands on.  Now it has non stop coverage on CNN and it is ok, they are angry.  BS I call BS.  

Once upon a time we held PEOPLE accountable now we blame things.  A shooter goes into a school, theater, mall, etc and it is the guns fault.  No it is his/her fault.  May have others at fault too but gun didn't shoot by itself.  We had 911 and that killed thousands of people and destroyed many more, we didn't blame the planes we blamed the terrorists.  

Accountability and Responsibility have been lost.  That is my opinion on what has changed.  We can write all the laws we want.  Until the "system" follows them things won't change for the better.  

Anger

Anger is an overwhelming emotion at times.  If we don't keep it in check it will consume us like a deadly cancer.  Anger is a normal stage in grief, and as most of us know, we go in and out of stages for varying periods of time.  While we all know how devastating depression can be on us, we often times forget about just how destructive anger can be.

Many people experience anger toward the loved one whom we lost.  For me, I have been angry at Jared for taking his life, for leaving me alone, for not being here with me, for hurting his friends, for.....well many things.  I have also been angry at those who continued to stand in the way of my son  healing healthy after the loss of his father less than four years prior.  I have been angry at God.  I have been angry at myself.  I have just been angry.

What I realized, and come to understand through my loss, is anger can call you to action or destroy you.  It is your choice.

If you choose to let anger destroy you, most likely you will take others down with you.  You can let it consume you to the point of becoming physically ill.  You can become so focused on control of things and people around you that you forget to love those around you.  Anger can drive those that love you the most away.

One of the issues born from anger that we see more of today, especially in schools, is bullying.  Those who are angry within and have not been taught how, or not supported in, processing and releasing anger in a healthy manner can turn to being the bully.  It is especially common with boys.  They are taught to show no emotions and not to talk about problems.  So they keep it inside.  Unfortunately, we are all like a balloon, we can only hold so much before we pop.  We must learn and teach our children to release those emotions in healthy, constructive ways.

We have seen the news where angry individuals walk into schools, churches, movie theaters and other public locations and kill or harm many individuals there.  Innocent people hurt because of unresolved, uncontrolled anger.  Many of the stories of those who do such heinous crimes, we later learn, had been suffering from a mental illness of some sort that had gone untreated.  That mental illness could be depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or more severe illnesses like clinical depression, schizophrenia, or any number of other illnesses.

The first step in all of this is to stop the stigma!  Stop joking about mental illnesses.

Reach out for help when needed and support those around you who are wanting to reach out for help.  Don't discourage them in fear of embarrassment.  If someone near you needs help then encourage and support them to seek professional help.

Anger can also call you to action.  Many times amazing charities are born out of anger towards a problem.  This happened with me.  Jared's friends were angry at losing teens to suicide and together we started Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc.  We put our anger to work to solve a problem that we didn't see much help for.  The problem of teen suicide.  Many other wonderful organizations have come from the same anger channel.  Many people have come to volunteer at organizations and help others from their anger at a problem.  MADD was born out of anger toward the problem of drunk driving.  Motivational speakers have turned anger into inspiration.  Others use the anger they have inside to drive them to success in life. Astronaut Story Musgrave is a testament to this.  He lost both parents and a brother to suicide and used all that anger to drive him to success in life.

In grief, there are no easy answers, especially when it comes to anger.  We each have a choice.  What is yours?

Traveling

I am writing this from high above the ocean on the way to Miami.  It is an unusually clear afternoon and the sun is beginning to set.  The colors are the most amazing colors and so vibrant.   It is absolutely breath taking.  As we have flown over several islands and sandbars I am amazed at God's beauty he has given us to enjoy.  Likewise, the people who have come across my path have blessed me.  A man in line asked me what I do and I shared with him what I do and why I am headed back to the states.   He first wasn't sure how to reapond. But he quickly thanked me and said more people need to join the fight.  On to the waiting area where I met a nice couple. They too asked as small talk that quickly turned into a connection.   When the young woman found out what I did, she began to cry.  I said, you have lost someone, and she shook her haed.  As I got tissues from my purse to share, she said too many.  I looked at her and she repeated I have lost too many.  She took our flyer and said she would share with her group in Atlanta. Let me time hop.....
This morning when I awoke, I followed my normal routine to the bathroom where a beautiful bird was looking in the window at me.  Remember Jared connects through birds.  I walked by 3 times before getting my phone to take a picture.  I  took three picture and a video. He let me go right up to that window and never showed fear.  A few tears of happiness fell and then I said I must go back and rest as I will have a long day of travel.  I posted those pictures on Facebook, set my phone down to charge to full, and stared out the window, when another bird landed on our balcony rail.  He looked at me and then ran across the rail.  All the time looking in the windows.  I found it an amazing sign on the day I was to fly to the states to begin my speaking tour on prevention.
Zoe knew something was going on and moped around and spent much of her time on my lap.  Then the phone call amd email came.  Flight delayed.  GREAT!   YET, I was still required to check in at the original time. 
Now back to my story....
Before our delayed plane arrived the first man came back to me to share a website with about spiritual connections.  How awesome!
Not sure what lies ahead on this trip but I know I have an army of Angels working beside me.  I feel safe and protected.
More to come......we are on an uneventful flightto Nashville.   I guess that is good.  I am on a regional jet so it is 2 seats on either side of the isle.  I am sitting with a nice woman who is stationed at Ft Campbell, KY.  Thankfully it is quiet and many readers and sleepers on this leg....lol. The only downfall to these planes are no TV and music so I read amd that makes me sleepy.  Stop that you have to drive on the right not left, you must be wide awake!.  I do love these jets because the leg room is awesome.  The seats are comfortable but pressure changes are extremely noticible for me. 
The Captain says we are decending and almost reached 10,000 feet right now.  Ear pop, ear pop, ugghhh.  Maybe we will be early.....I know wishful thinking. 

Accepting

I was the youngest child for both my parents, and the only child between them.  I had the benefits of growing up in a large family and being the only child at the same time.  I was closer to one brother than all other siblings.  He was 10 years older than I am and wasn't only a brother but also a protector. My father died when I was just eight from complications from alcoholism during the he and my mother were going through a divorce.
I remember the exact moment and location and vividly remember all the items around me when I was told my father had died.  I was his only girl so there was extra special bonding there.  He was perfect, far from it.  In fact I would even say part evil.  However, the true him was kind, generous, and loving.  The alcoholic him was pure evil.  I remember going to the funeral home and picking out the casket, or listening as it was all being done.  It was my first real experience in a funeral home.  I look back on it and wish someone would have realized that as an eight year old child, I needed guidance.  What do you do at a funeral home?  How do you act at a funeral home?  Why does everyone come to a funeral home?  I am a child and it will be ok.....
I remember the visitation and the funeral.  I remember the heart shaped pillow with the word Daddy in gold that held flowers that they had me plane in his casket.  That pillow was given to me as a keep sake.  Still not sure why I have it but it is tucked away in my cedar chest.  I also remember the grave side service and wondering why all this was going on.  I am eight!  I was in second grade.  None of this made any sense.
I never dealt with those emotions because it was never explained to me what they were.  I worried about my mother a lot growing up and never really visited friends houses or "ran around" with them. In my teen years I went wild for a short period of time which was far out of character for me to do. I was the good kid.  Well that got me into counseling at the school and lots of things came out that had been bottled up for years.  Honestly?  It was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A few years later I would lose my grandfather.  He had been ill for years after suffering a stroke and depended completely on his family to provide care for him.  We all took shifts helping him with everything from using the commode to bathing and getting dressed.  He would cry each time I helped because he felt he was a burden to his family.  But truth is, he deserved all we did and more.  I had visited him just hours before he passed and he seemed fine.  I lived just an hour away and by the time I had reached home the phone was ringing.  He had already been transported by ambulance to the hospital, and had passed after my grandmother asked him if he was in pain and he said, "not any more".    The funeral in the days following was emotional.  We were losing my grandfather and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby and would find out the gender that day.  A boy was to be born.
A little more than a year later, I am engaged to be married and prior to that wedding our family was struck by tragedy.  That baby boy would be taken from us days before he turned a year old.  He was a feisty little guy and brought joy to everyone around him.  He took a tumble off the bed and landed on a hard wood floor.  I don't know a baby that hasn't had a tumble that scared the pudding out of the parents but this was different.  That sweet baby laid in the hospital trying with all his might to make it, but that wasn't meant to be.  I still struggle with his death because it just isn't fair.  The only answer I can come up with is God needed him, but why?  Why do that to my family?  Why do that to his parents and siblings?  Why?  Ultimately, this loss put a great strain on the family.  In fact throughout the years it has built the Great Wall of Grief between my sister-in-law and my mother.  That too brings pain to many of us in the family.  In fact outside of Jared's funeral last summer, I can't remember the last time they were in the same building together.  I know how it pains me, I can't imagine how it pains my brother.
What pained me then, and still does for different reasons now, is that I didn't know how to support them.  I didn't know the loss they were feeling.
We honored my nephew on our wedding ceremony and made him a part of the event.  To this day I keep his picture on my dresser.
Since that time his siblings have grown and have children of their own and we talk about their brother Jacob.  I think of him often as he must have been there to greet Jared into heaven.
After suffering the loss of Jared I have had a new understanding of loss.  I understand that even very young children grieve and they need the grieving process to be explained to them and what they are experiencing.  I have learned that even when we look strong, we are incredibly weak.  I have learned that we will change emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I have learned that actions can be explained but not necessarily justified.  I have learned that I can love two people who can't seem to look at one another and not judge them.  I have also learned that we become uncensored with loss.  If you ask us our opinion, please be prepared for the answer.  I have learned that compassion doesn't mean that I have to let you drag me into a dark place.  I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't stop things from happening.  I could not stop by dad from drinking, my grandfather from aging, my nephew from from having injuries that could not be healed, my mother and sister-in-law to get along, nor could I save my son from suicide.
While I do not like to accept any of these things, I must.  I must also accept all the other things in life that played into of the paths that brought us all to where we are today.
My wish is for peace, understanding, and a world without pain.  Is that really too much to ask for?

It Is Time To Stand Up

This last week has been difficult for me.  I have had emotional highs and lows.  I have been short tempered and easily agitated.  I have watched as children head back to school and off to college.  Somehow it is more difficult this year than it was last year.  Perhaps because I was still in that fog that helps to protect us following a tragedy.  All of these beautiful pictures and wonderful thoughts and hopes I have for these young people quickly prompt thoughts of those experiences I will never have.

I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get.  I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had.  I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren.  All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.

I have had anger that has been intense.  Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college.  While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again.  They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child.  Those who have lost a child never again get that.  While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent.  It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.

I want to be selfish.  I want to be irresponsible.  I want to pretend life is not how it really is.  But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.

This is a difficult place to be.  I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down.  I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down.  I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live.  There is no good answer for any of it.

I want desperately to have the life back I once had.  But that can never be.  I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.

Anger has been hitting me from another angle.  It is extreme and volatile.  While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me.  How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him.  How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with.  How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again.  HOW DARE YOU!

So with this anger comes strong focus and determination.  I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.

My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them.  He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes.  He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.

Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either.  Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone.  Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me.  Why?  Because they don't deserve my time.  I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.

Healing Takes Forever

Early on in my grief journey, I realized this was not going to be a "get over it quickly" type of thing.  I had a strong desire to read everything I could on grief, suicide, and the afterlife.  I came to realize quickly that this journey will not end until I take my last breath.  People have asked me how I stay strong and this is what I explain to them.

Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery.  Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out.  If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time.  So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free.  Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.

Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks.  I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them.  Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most.  I don't like anger and/or hate.  In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him.  Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow.  This also goes hand in hand with guilt.  The "if only"s drive me crazy at times.  If only  he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery.  You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control.  However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.

As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night.  One of those is my Tear Bucket.  I have what I refer to as the tear bucket.  When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket.  I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears.  Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.

Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm.  It is learning to live completely different.  It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently.  It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently.  It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way.  This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery.  If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger.  For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness.  I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.

Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss.  My support system has changed and morphed during my journey.  I also know as time continues it will continue to change.  Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street.  Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family.  Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.

Also like surgery, some cannot recover.  Grief too, can take those who cannot recover.  While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet.  There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child.  Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.

Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief.  It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it.  We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.