Rage

Remember I told you before Rich was supposed to go diving "that" morning?   Well this morning he finally went.   I think he struggled with it for multiple reasons but he didn't want to leave me alone in the house.   I love him so much for trying to protect me but some things I must do alone.   He can't always be with me.   This morning I was alone.   I got up and thought I will make myself breakfast,  but somewhere between the bedroom and the kitchen I was overtaken by rage.  Like red line RAGE.  I screamed at Jared that this house is mine, not his.   This furniture is mine, not his.   This room no longer belonged to him because he threw all of it away so it is mine now.   I stomped, kicked things, hit things, cried, and yelled at him.   AND I repurposed that room that once belonged to him to a wonderful space that will soon be our office.   I never realized it had the best breeze and view.   I moved furniture into other locations and swept and cleaned and let the emotions flow.
I think in allowing myself to feel that and walk through it I also cleaned and swept my emotions out. ... the bad, dirty emotions.   The ones that wouldn't allow me to move the ratty pair of tennis shoes that Jared and I went to Rivergate Mall last summer and bought for school.   The ones that wouldn't allow me to unmake  his bed.   Well it is my bed now so the dirty sheets go in the washer.   I confess I put his pillows and blanket in a basket to keep as they still smell like him and I just can't make myself wash them yet.   The room only has what once was his bed which will now be repurposed into a sofa since it is a day bed anyway.   A clean slate unto which we will make an office.
When Rich arrived home I was sitting on the "sofa" crying.   Not weeping,  bring me a bucket so I don't have to mop, crying.   He looked around the house and seen what had taken place and just hugged me to let me know we are going to be ok.
It is now after two in the afternoon my time and I still haven't eaten breakfast.   Rich is cleaning his truck which is one of the ways he copes and we will grill burgers in a while, then we will head to the Boardwalk to watch the World Cup Finals.   I was happy for my Dutch friends for taking third place.   Now to watch, celebrate, and enjoy friends.   Captain Morgan's is hosting a party that we were invited to with the AYSO soccer team and to watch on their giant screen TV.  But I am glad we have chosen to celebrate on the Boardwalk while enjoying the warm Caribbean breezes,  cool drinks,  and lots of friends.