My Purse

Today I dumped my purse on the kitchen counter looking for my scooter key to fall out.    On that ring I also had the key to the padlock that secured Jared's scooter to mine while we were stateside and the post office box key.   So more than anything I needed that key to empty a P.O. Box that had not been touched in a week.  I found these keys in the hutch where I placed them before leaving last weekend.  Late this afternoon, I then had to pick up all the stuff I had dumped and left all day.   What I noticed was what my purse now contains.   Tissues,  lots of tissues.  I must be prepared for when tears fall.   I had my wallet,  claritin,  change purse, nail file, four ink pens (don't ask why), gum which had to go to the refrigerator before our climate turned it to mush. ..a lesson learned, 4  memorial bracelets and a tube of lip balm from last week as I got very chapped lips but most of all I had tissues.   The ones with lotion because in just two short days after Jared took his life I looked like Rudolph and I did not want Santa to call me up for duty.   It made me think back to when I was in high school and began carrying a purse.   I think it was a denim purse.   Carried my wallet and make up I am sure.   In college my purse became nothing more than a wallet in a messenger bag with books in it.   When I got married it changed again,  it became a device to carry my wallet, a check book and when needed, my husband's wallet and keys.   After I had Jared that purse was now a diaper bag with wipes, diapers, rash cream, changing pad, toys, multiple changes of clothing, bottles,  and oh yes. ... my wallet.  As Jared grew my purse didn't shrink much for many years.   Diapers and wipes were replaced with bigger toys and snacks and tissues for runny noses.   Through the years it was extra socks for after a wet soccer game,  change of clothes for after a sweaty basketball game, or for storing warm ups from various sports.   It wasn't until the last couple of years when Jared began driving I felt comfortable downsizing again.  Even as recent as a couple of days prior to losing Jared I was still carrying his wallet in my purse as we were running errands and he didn't have pockets on his shorts.
But now my purse is one of a grieving mother.   Those tissues are mine,  for my runny nose. For my tears.  My pockets are filled with tissues so I am ready at any moment.
So now my purse is a grieving mother's toolkit.   It contains tissues with lotion, chap stick,  wallet, keys, four ink pens, change purse, nail file, and a phone that is my digital picture frame that allows me access to see Jared whenever I want.  
While my purse has changed over the years,  since 1997 it has everything to do with carrying something belonging to or needed by Jared.