Unfinished Job

I feel do many things all at once that it is impossible to figure it out right now.  I can't stop thinking.   Good, bad, mad, happy, emotional, reflective thoughts just won't stop.   I am so exhausted that I don't sleep well then I fall asleep during the day and have no energy.   I think what I have been realizing is that party of my grieving is having an unfinished job.   My job is Mom.   Mom starts at conception in my case, and should have lasted until high school graduation and then taken on a different job of guidance when asked.  My job is unfinished.   We were in the middle if getting his life ready for that next chapter.   We were getting up to take the ACT that morning and we should be visiting schools and getting senior pictures and talking about girlfriends and planning that trip I promised him to Australia for graduation.   It just isn't finished.
I see these beautiful posts and poems about walking to heaven and bringing you down for one more day. ... but that wouldn't be enough.
Scientists don't have to worry about the oceans running out of water because I have cried enough salty tears to fill them up again.
A friend and I were talking last night about medication.   I made the decision to not mediate after Jared took his life.   Why?   Because I have to feel the pain. .. Now or later you have to feel it,  deal with it, and heal from it.   So feel it now or feel it later....but you will feel it.
I have cried so much this week I think I am having an allergic reaction.  My left eye has been puffy and tender.   I have a rash like area under my nose.   My collar area on my neck/chest area has that same rash like bumps.   I can only contribute it to crying.   I cry and will raise my arm and wipe the years away.   When it gets over powering I sometimes use the collar of my shirts to wipe the tears.
I don't like starting things and not finishing them but lately I have a lot of those things.