Roller Coaster Ride

The part couple of days have been a roller coaster ride for me.   Today we had to do some regular shopping.   We walked into the office supply store and I am hit with all the Back To School Sales.   While Rich was with me he didn't understand what I was feeling.   We did what we had to and on our way out he said "$0.10 a tablet of paper that is a great deal".  Yep there it was right up side the head a slap of reality.   Every other year I would have bought 10 because they are only ten cents.   I purposely walked through the store looking straight ahead so I wouldn't look at the pencils or anything school related.   Then we head to the electronics store. ... slap the only time you have ever been in here was with Jared. .....uuuggghhhh then off to the department store you guessed it. ..Back To School.   OMG can I go anywhere today that isn't going to make me want to scream?
We finished our shopping and headed down to the boardwalk to share a burger and fries before going to the BBQ and Hot Sauce Contest.   It was lovely,  we had a great breeze and enjoyed talking to each other.   I told Rich of the feelings I had while shopping.   He had no idea but felt terrible he didn't pick up on it.   He said he knew something was going on in me but didn't want to say something that was going to make me cry which would upset me in public.   Sometimes it is all I can do to hold it together.
We then spent the afternoon with friends supporting them while they competed in the competition.   It was a nice time people watching.  After the awards presentation we headed home to unload the items from this morning's shopping adventure.   We spent about three hours talking about today and about Jared.   We then headed down to the boardwalk and visited with friends.   Diet Coke for me and a beautiful breeze was exactly what the doctor ordered for me.
Yesterday a guy we meet the other night came up to me and asked if he could give me a hug.   I said sure.   He said I heard about your son and what a great kid he was.   He said he had heard from several people what a kind and caring person he was and he said many people described him as an amazing kid.   Why yes he was would you like to see pictures of him?   He did and I reached into me grief toolkit and pulled out my electric photo album aka cell phone.   I showed him pictures and I shared stories about Jared.   Tonight I saw him again.   He again hugged me and said he was glad he is getting to know us.
I have had so many feeling the past couple of days.  Happy and sad, pride and frustration,  anger and peace, heartbreak and. .....I don't know what to call it.
Just like a roller coaster I have been up down scared happy and begging to get off this carnival ride.