Last night I was standing outside reflecting on the last few days as I drifted in and out of memories of Jared. I began weeping, then crying, then into a place I had not experienced. It was physical distraught. ... what was wrong with me? I moved from the dock to the side of the house so I wouldn't be seen by my in - laws. ..I didn't want to upset them. As I began to walk I felt a severe pain like no other. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out and a hole was inside my body that I couldn't get to, to plug it up. I then couldn't breath. At some point Rich has now seen me and has come over to check on me. By this point I am getting terrified, am I having a panic attack, a heart attack, WTH? I couldn't get my breath, my breathing was shallow, this pain continued to get worse. Rich held me and told me it was going to be ok. I was trying to explain what was going on and he just rubbed my back saying breath, breath in, breath out. I thought I was breathing. ... was I not breathing? At points I couldn't breath because my sinuses are now completely blocked. The only way I can describe this feeling is being underwater and trying to breath in through my dive mask and having no air in my tank. ...I got that tiny bit trapped in my mask and house then I had no more.
After a period of time, really couldn't tell you how long it was, I could start controlling it again. I forced myself to take deep breaths and I am really beginning to feel that my chest and back are extremely sore from what I just experienced.
I made myself physically join the family around the fire pit, but I was not mentally there. Not really sure where I was. ... not there.
As I laid down in bed I again began to read How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, a book Dr Marshall has recommended I read to help walk me through this journey. I read a bit, then looked at the next few topics when I saw a topic called Grief Spasms. What is that? I read the section, then I gave the book to Rich, "I think this is what I just had" He agreed.
An acute upsurge of grief that occurs suddenly and often when least expected. It interrupts your ongoing activities and temporarily leaves you feeling out of control.
It continued on to explain anything can trigger it and it has been known to cause auto accidents when it hits you while driving.
Well at least I know I am "normal" what ever normal is now. I have learned that grief is not just emotional but also physical. I have so many people tell me that I am the strongest person they know. I am not strong, I am extremely weak. In fact it is God carrying me like footprints in the sand.
What am I? I am a survivor.
Debbie, I'm not sure what to say because I've never had to walk the path that life has laid before you. I can't imagine the fear, the agony, the overwhelming grief that you've been forced to bear. There are several versions of an old saying that boils down to " what doesn't kill us makes us stronger ". You are stronger than you know but when God sees you hit the lowest low, He picks you up and carries you to higher ground. As time goes on those lows won't be quite as low, the struggle won't be quite as difficult but rest assured that the God who carries you now will still be watching over you and providing friends to take your hand and lift you up when you stumble. Even though we've never been close, I'm proud to call you friend and offer any help your family might need. The heartache will fade with time and the memories will always be there to help carry you through.
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