Helping Others By Sharing My Pain

I have struggled with sharing this story publicly but with the approval of a young lady, I will.  A few nights ago I received a message from a teenage girl who thanked me for sharing my struggles on this blog.  She had been searching the best way to commit suicide.  She ran across this blog and then researched Jared's Keepers.  She said she cried all night and the next morning talked to her mom and they went to get her help that very day.  There was a reason she found this site and Jared's Keepers....maybe a little divine intervention on a computer?  I told her I was glad to hear that she reached out for help.  I also told her YOU ARE A KEEPER don't give up.
I hope this young lady comes to love herself as much as her mother does.  I hope that she grows into a beautiful woman with so many happy years ahead of her.
I have also had a couple of young people reach out to me that were feeling down and they too reached out to their parents and are getting help from medical professionals.  They just wanted to let me know that I made a difference in their life.  WOW that means it is worth it all.
A friend and I were chatting last night talking about when her brother attempted suicide when we were younger.  I remember it like it were yesterday.  I can't tell you how happy I was it was not successful.  He is now a very successful professional and has a beautiful family.
We all struggle with life.  I do every day!  I won't lie, there are days I think Lord it is ok if you take me now to be with Jared, I miss him so very much.  But I know in my heart it just isn't my time to go.  Jared and God has given me a job to do.  A very important job to do.
I am NOT a medical professional.  I AM a mother with a very broken heart.  My job is to let teens and others know it IS ok to ask and seek help.  It IS ok to say I am in pain and need help to get rid of the pain.
In Jared's final letter he said he just simply missed his father so very much and he had lived almost 4 years without him.  I want to wrap my arms around Jared and tell him I do understand, you see tomorrow will be 33 years without my dad.  (Guess I am giving away my age) I was just 8 when he passed.  While he didn't commit suicide in the literal sense of the word, he did take his life by the choices he made along the way.  He was an extreme alcoholic as well as a smoker.  Both contributed to his passing.  Just as many stories float around the island and in the states of how Jared took his life, many stories still go around about my dad.  I have come to realize it just doesn't matter....they are gone.  I will say that the stories floating about Jared are not accurate.  Well all but one.  There are a few people that do know what happened.  I am not ashamed of, nor will I ever be, of him or how he left the Earth.  I have chosen not to share details for a few reasons.  The first is because of young people like the one I began this post about.  What if she would have found all the details on how it happened?  She would have know exactly how it worked and how to accomplish it that night.  That is the most important reason.
Secondly, Jared was told so very many vivid details of how it happened and how it looked and the aftermath of it all that it was burnt into him and he had terrible nightmares about it.  Including thinking he was there for it.  He could see it and that haunted him.  I told people when it happened please do not share those details, but like all other things, it didn't matter because they were going to tell him everything.  Just like I asked for him not to visit that house again until he was mature enough in his healing process to handle it...but the first visit back they took him right to the house and the room where it all took place with every bloody detail.  I don't want others to have a visual of how Jared took his life.  While it was nothing like what his dad did it is still something that is not yet ready to be shared.
I realised this more today than ever before.  Why?  Because the students in his high school in Tennessee have lost at least 4 students in the last 4 years to suicide.  While some had transferred to private schools in Nashville, they had grown up together.  They have lost parents, coaches, friends.  HOW TERRIBLE!  These kids have more to process than I think any of realized.
I pray that high school and college campuses around the World take a moment on September 10th to have complete silence and remember all those lost to suicide that have touched their lives.
Tomorrow I will have a day that I have hated for 33 years, I will get through it.  I will also celebrate it.  Why?  Because I know in my heart, my dad was trying to make it a better day for me 14 years ago when he brought Rich into my life on that very day.  Tomorrow I will remember my Dad and hope he and Jared are getting to know one another.  I will also celebrate the most wonderful man that could have ever been brought into my life as a companion, friend, team mate, partner, and husband.

Keeping Focused

I am really feeling like I have a mission in life again.  I ask myself every step of the way would Jared like this.  Some things I think he would be amazed at and others I think he would be too humble to accept.  But with the help of a very energetic young lady who has more passion in her pinkie than most adults do, I am making my way through all the technical difficulties I would normally have asked Jared for help on.  I downloaded the new messenger for Facebook on my phone today....Jared already had it...boy do I wish he was here to help me with that thing.  I am staying busy with getting things in order for the Jared's Keepers Foundation.  We have our website, our Facebook Page, and currently getting a Twitter and other social media accounts set up.  Not sure where this will all lead but I know it will lead somewhere good.
I will be focusing on getting the information together for upcoming speaking engagements.  I am looking forward to raising awareness.  I learned that the World Health Organization recognized suicide as the number 1 preventable disease on Earth and all members have pledged to decrease the rate by 10% by 2020.  Well why not make that 20% by 2020?  I think that would be a better campaign!

While I am realistic and understand, suicide will never completely go away, we can save people.  The first step is......

BE NICE TO EACH OTHER

Yes that is step one.  I believe Gandhi said our mission is to help one another and if we can't do that then just be nice to each other.

All other steps are easy after that.
Step two is let people know it is ok to seek professional help.  Stop the stigma that it is wrong or bad to ask for help and seek treatment.

I will continue to stay focused on Jared's Keepers Foundation and I hope tomorrow I will move forward with sharing more about Jared throughout his life.

Turning Grief Into A Foundation

Well I am taking my directions from above.  I am listening, praying, and listening more.  I wish God and the Angels in heaven had email.  Wouldn't that be so cool?  God@heaven.above
Anyway, I have been told by many how proud they are I am speaking out and taking lemons and making it into lemonade....really I was given a field full of manure and I am spreading it all around the World as fertilizer to help all the wilting flowers blossom again.  Believe me when I say it is a lot more than a bushel of lemons...at least they smell good.  What I was left doesn't smell good, and was not a refreshing experience for me like the scent of lemon is.  But that is ok.

I vaguely remember trying times in the months leading up June 14th and I remember asking God, what are you preparing me for it has to be HUGE!  This is so much to take all at once.  I know you won't give me more than I can take but please God...enough is enough.  Well, now I know what he was preparing me for.  I say I vaguely remember because the problems we were facing that were causing so much stress in our lives were so insignificant compared to the loss of Jared.

Well it really was after much prayer and a visit from Jared worried about how Rich would handle the idea, that I approached Rich with I would like to start a Foundation and travel talking to schools, churches, and organizations about suicide and suicide prevention.  To my surprise he was in complete support of it.  He said after listening to me talk at the three services we had for Jared he felt that is exactly what I needed to do.  So more prayer, planning, researching, and more prayer....here we are.  We now have a Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/JaredsKeepers and a website still undergoing construction
www.jaredskeepers.com .
We are currently developing our curriculum for talking to each group.

• Teens
• Adults
• Those Contemplating
• Survivors
• Support Networks

We will also be keeping calendar of events on our pages.  So feel free to join us if we are near you.

I am also making this mission the new, more solid, foundation to my life and my marriage.  Today is big in many ways, one of those is that today for the first time since the 90s I have been totally alone at home overnight.  No one here...say a prayer...of course I have a wonderful island family that will gobble me up at a single text and have me running all night if I let them.

REMEMBER....

Taking On The Memories

Yesterday Rich and I went to the beach for the afternoon.   We enjoyed a little snorkeling and a while lot of floating.   Just listening to the ocean is so relaxing.   We spent several hours just standing and floating and talking.   Talking about anything and everything and nothing.   While Rich was out snorkeling I could hear boys giggling.   I looked around and I could see Brent and Jared playing and giggling.   Specifically I could see and hear them playing at Trunk Bay St John.   When they were little my in-laws has taken a cruise and buried a "treasure" for the boys to find a month later when we took our cruise.   They were so excited they had a treasure to find.   Complete with map in hand they had to go five steps into the water and wait for fish to swim by. ..lol.  Believe it or not those boys found that buried treasure .... kind of.   It was a bottle with an IOU.  LOL  Talk about feeling jipped.   Well it didn't matter because everyone on that ship knew about that hunt and asked them about the treasure. Well I could see that whole experience again,  like it was real.
We came home and decided it was time to head over to the Deep End where Jared first started working on island. This was the first time there since I took prom pictures of Jared and his friends there.   So we saw people for the first time and got the OMG hugs and condolences.   It is comforting to get those. .. especially the hugs.   We had a couple if drinks and some chips and salsa before moving on to visit with friends on the Boardwalk.   After a while the we headed out to Pirates Tavern to visit with a friend who works there part time.   We had awesome food and good conversation.   But like earlier this was the first time out there since we stopped with Jared and Brent and our neighbor after a kayak trip one night to the bio bay.
I know Jared was with us yesterday by all the signs he gave me.   The image and sounds of the boys playing when they were little thay brought a smile to me.   The photo I took at Deep End to only see what was really there before posting on Facebook.   To memories at Pirates and the bird that flew over the Boardwalk at night.
The picture you see is from Deep End.   Jared's first job, with a Crucian Confusion a drink he suggested I try,  and at table 19 his jersey number at GHCDS.

It Is OK To Cry

When you see someone who is grieving crying don't stop them.  It is therapeutic to cry.  It is a release of pressure building inside our heads and it relieves so much stress.  It is ok for us to cry.  It is also ok if you don't know what to say to us.  Really!  A hug, unspoken words from the heart, or just being held as you cry can go much further than any amount of words that are spoken.  Rich is always trying to comfort me when I cry.  He said to me the other night, "I am out of words...I have told you everything I know".  I told him...just hold me.  I don't need words.
I have many friends who are grieving many losses.  But it is important to remember that the loss of a human being is not the only time we go through the grieving process.  True!
Some people grieve at the loss of a job.  This can be voluntary or involuntary, even retirement can bring on a form of grief.  It is a complete change in what we have known all our life.  It is a loss of routine.  Until we fill that it is sometimes difficult.
Most people grieve over a lost relationship, be it divorce or break up.  A divorce will also bring lots of anger with it many times because of the legal process that must be followed.  But nonetheless a grieving process must be gone through for a love has died.  If there are children shared this is one of the most difficult to get through because you constantly see your loss in the child and in the physical person when dealing with your child's visitation schedules.
Many grieve over a loss of a pet.  In today's World more than generations in the past, we have fur-babies.  They are not just pets they are members of our family.  For those who are elderly or those who have no spouse or children at home that pet is much more than a pet.  When that animal gets its' wings it can be devastating to the one who lost it.
People who endure nature's tragedies like a fire or tornado or flood.  People who lose the life they have known or their home.  This is extremely difficult for the person who may have lost a loved one at the same time.
There is another "special" situation of the grief some suffer when multiple members of the family are lost at one time.  9/11 had many of those situations.   Families on airplanes and they are lost together.  For those left behind this can be unbearable causing further tragedy.
We also grieve the loss of friendship.  Sometimes in life we have to go in a different direction than our friends do.  This could be for many reasons.  But, it is a loss that many times has a grieving process with it.
College students are an increasing percentage of suicides and it is important to understand why.  These students have left, in most cases, the home they have known for 18 years, the school they have known for 13 years to move out, live on their own, take care of their laundry, cooking, and be responsible.  Increasingly our kids are not ready for that because we as adults, are not preparing them for it.  We want them to need us and to be with us.  And we as parents grieve when our children leave us to step out on their own.   It is important to remember that our jobs as parents is to create strong adults to lead us into the next decade not return to live with us for it, or worse, not be here to share it with us.
College students need support, not helicopter parents, support.  They need to become adults and know we are there to help them transition.
These are some of the many times we grieve and it is ok to let us cry.  It is ok to cry if you are in one of these.  Sometimes those tears are joyfull, sometimes not.  But no matter they are therapeutic to the body.

A Step Parent Grieves Too

While it just didn't register as I was dealing with the loss of Jared,  Rich was going through his own Hell.  He was taking care of and protecting me and suppressing his grief.   As I became more aware of life existing around me,  I slowly began to realize he was struggling with Jared's loss too.   As we have walked through this dark forest hand in hand,  he pointed out to me that 1/3 of his life has been helping raise Jared.   He was there for Donuts With Dad days and he was there for parents nights and he walked on the basketball court and soccer field with Jared.   Jared was just two when Rich came into his life.   These two went on a vacation alone to Cedar Point as a bonding boy weekend.   They traveled all over together for reenactments.  I don't know what all Rich feels inside because he is cautious in what he tells me,  but I know he is a grieving father.   Not a biological father but a father by choice.   Jared was the reason we got married.   He talked to Rich and wanted to know why if he loved me he didn't marry me.   Way too much to explain to a child at his young age.   But in just a few short weeks he was right there beside me as Rich proposed.  In typical Jared fashion he didn't want to see us kiss and he said. .. it's about time.   Now what do you want me to do in it?   LOL. He and Brent were both a part of it.   They stood up with us.   I wish I could post some pictures but they are all in storage.   Ironically we married just 45 short miles away from where we now live,  on the island of St John.  The love those two shared was like no other.   They loved,  argued,  teased,  and depended on one another.   I think part of Rich is lost knowing that when he had to travel Jared was there to protect me. ... now that isn't the case.  

Good Greif!

How many times have I said that or heard that phrase?  Lots!  Well there is such a thing. Going through the process SUCKS!  But I know that as I go through it I will be stronger and more stable on my feet.  However, I have found that when tragedy strikes, whether I know them or not, it is more intense feeling of sorrow for the family.  A sweet friend of mine lost her grandson two days ago and I reached out to her in a message to let her know I was thinking of her.  She reached back out to me and asked how I did this.  There are so many similarities between the two.  He and Jared were both 17, both rising Seniors, and both stand out athletes.  I know Jared was there to welcome him into Heaven.
I was so extremely honest with my friend....I don't do it some days.  It will get worse before it begins to get better.  Together we will walk through their Senior year and mourn what should have been.
I think I am on the upward climb, although I do fall backwards occasionally.  I finished my book last night and feel good about things.  I know that I acknowledge Jared's death, and I acknowledge he is not returning.  THAT is the hard part.  However, I also learned that it is ok to continue to have him in my daily life.  It is ok to say this meal is in honor of Jared.  It is ok to celebrate his birthday.  It is ok to acknowledge him in a special way at the Holidays.  Good Grief!  I hope I am moving on from crying tears of pain each time I think of Jared to tears of joy.  Can't promise they will be every time but joyfull tears are starting to fall.  I know my friend will struggle for as she and her grandson had such a special bond.  But I know her faith and friends will be there to carry her through.  Another beautiful Angel got his wings.  Boy are we lucky to have so many Angels around us.

Angels Among Us - Alabama

Life On St. Croix

Jared was excited and nervous and scared all in one.  Can't say he was the only one.  He was was leaving his friends and the only school he had ever attended to move to an island.  He loved the island but still it was an island.  He loved the Caribbean and was looking forward to attending college at UVI.  On October 19, 2013 Jared, Poco and I boarded a plane and headed for St. Croix.  We had finished the loose ends and Jared spent lots of time with his friends saying goodbye.  We would go shopping for things we knew we would need but being safe with it too because it had to go in our suitcases.  Which we ended up buying 4 additional to get things moved here.  He was such a young man.  He helped with Poco who was taking his first plane ride and we enjoyed our mother/son time together.  When we arrived Jared quickly was taking pictures of everything and updating his facebook cover with those pictures.  We were picked up at the airport by Rich and Brent who had come days before because they had driven our pickup to Florida to be shipped down. They were in a Yaris....funny if you know what one is.  It was all we could do to get in the car with the luggage.  We arrived at the house for the first time and Poco was like a child on Christmas morning running from room to room checking everything out.  Jared was excited he had a room with its' own balcony.  He spent a great deal of time sitting on that balcony doing homework, talking to friends and getting tan.
Jared and I went to Manor School where he would attend to visit and get things lined out for what he would need.  He would now be wearing "uniforms".  White Polo shirt and Black pants.  It was an adjustment but more than anything he had to adjust to being one of five kids in his class.  Over time Jared and Manor School became "unfit".  That is not a good fit any longer.  He was transferred to Good Hope Country Day for fourth quarter.  He enjoyed it because now he was in a class of almost 60 students.  The school had much more to offer and he was already friends with many of the kids.
Jared quickly became social...Surprise I know.  Within the first few days of being here we went to dinner and before we left he had a job as a busser/bar back.  He had used his money from the sale of the Jeep in Tennessee and bought a Blazer.  He was back in the swing of things.  He quickly made friends and enjoyed everything about being here.  EXCEPT, he did not have his friends back in Tennessee.  They kept in contact through social media, texting, and video chatting.
As he became more and more involved in soccer his work schedule became more cumbersome so we encouraged him to look elsewhere. We had met a gentleman from Tennessee at our usual hang out and he told Jared to apply at Angry Nates they were looking for a busser.  He got the job and really enjoyed it as he was right there on the Boardwalk with all the action.  By this time he also had his scooter.  So on $5.00 worth of gas he could run the whole week.
Jared had 3 scooter accidents on the island.  The first one was a week into ownership.  It was enough to scare him.  He hit a pothole (which are giant here) and lost control in the grass.  He did no damage but scuffed his scooter.  The second was a bit more when he was coming home from Shrek the Musical at GHCDS and hit a patch of gravel in an area he shouldn't have been in at an intersection.  This taught him to stay away from areas he shouldn't be in.  The third was in April when he laid it down to avoid a serious accident that was taken place in front of him with a drunk driver crossing the center line and totally the pickup in front of him that was being driven by a friend as they were on their way home from a soccer game.  This one I took him to the hospital to have him checked out.  He was ok...thankfully but we joked and I let him know I wasn't mad at him.
Jared made lots of friends here on the island.  He helped out at the Iron Man Competition, Reef Jam and many other events.  He met country music writers and singers who visited the island from Nashville and they quickly struck up conversations about people they knew in common.  He had a great network of friends here both teen and adult.  Everyone loved him.  People on the island still can't believe he is gone.  Neither can I.
In a short amount of time he experienced everything here he could.  He kayaked the Salt River Mangroves and Bio Bay, he hiked trying to get to the Tide Pools, he swam in the ocean, hunted Lion Fish, dove with Rich, tubed with friends at Buck Island, Pier Jumped, snorkeled with Brent, and many more things.
I love him and miss him so much.
Jared played on 5 soccer teams.  One of them being the Men's National Team.  He was excited to play with whoever, he just wanted to play.  He had great coaches and teammates.  He played for his high school and for an indoor league and travel team.  He also mentored and coached other kids on the island on becoming a goalie.
I know he loved his Dad and he missed him terribly.  I also know that the emptiness of that loss along with a post on his Dad's Facebook account on June 12th was just more than he could handle.  While I wish he would have reached out to his therapist or to us or to friends here on the island or stateside, I know that he is in a better place with no more pain of being torn between a mother he loved with all his heart and grandparents and an aunt who hated me more than they loved Jared.

I hope that if you are reading this blog, as I know over 10,000 different visitors are, and you are in a situation that has a child that has two homes don't make them broken, just separate.  It is ok to allow others to love your child(ren) and not think they will not love you.  I was honored that others loved Jared.  His dad didn't give Jared the choice of families he would ultimately make him a part of, but I am glad they (all of them) loved Jared.
Jared's ex-step-mother, half brother, and ex-step grandparents attended his service in Illinois.  It warmed my heart and I know that Jared was smiling down on that.  I had been told no one from his Dad's side of the family would be attending as they had a previous engagement so I didn't have seating set up for them.  However, when they came in, I made sure seats were moved to the front row with us.  I made sure they had all the time they needed with Jared and let them know if the brother needed any special time to let me know and we would make it happen.  I know Jared always wanted peace in his life.  He now has it....unfortunately it had to be this way to get it.

Remembering Poco

It has been almost a month since Poco went to be with Jared.   His entire life has been with Jared as his big brother.   They shared rooms, beds, food, trips on airplanes.   This morning as I looked out the kitchen window to where he rests under the shade from the Mahogany Tree,  I reflected on each morning how he would shoot out of his kennel to start his day.   To call him a morning dog didn't begin to describe him.   He was happy to be alive and start each day.   He would always run out to go potty and take care of business.   Then he would smell the air and the flowers taking every smell in and enjoying the breeze.  He would then come in and have breakfast.   Then ready to play.  Of course street about thirty minutes it was nap time.  I really miss him to cuddle with and to cry with but I know he and Jared are playing together in heaven. It didn't surprise me that he was ready to go.   After all on top of being ill,  He missed Jared so much. His roommate,  his friend, his brother.

Unfinished Job

I feel do many things all at once that it is impossible to figure it out right now.  I can't stop thinking.   Good, bad, mad, happy, emotional, reflective thoughts just won't stop.   I am so exhausted that I don't sleep well then I fall asleep during the day and have no energy.   I think what I have been realizing is that party of my grieving is having an unfinished job.   My job is Mom.   Mom starts at conception in my case, and should have lasted until high school graduation and then taken on a different job of guidance when asked.  My job is unfinished.   We were in the middle if getting his life ready for that next chapter.   We were getting up to take the ACT that morning and we should be visiting schools and getting senior pictures and talking about girlfriends and planning that trip I promised him to Australia for graduation.   It just isn't finished.
I see these beautiful posts and poems about walking to heaven and bringing you down for one more day. ... but that wouldn't be enough.
Scientists don't have to worry about the oceans running out of water because I have cried enough salty tears to fill them up again.
A friend and I were talking last night about medication.   I made the decision to not mediate after Jared took his life.   Why?   Because I have to feel the pain. .. Now or later you have to feel it,  deal with it, and heal from it.   So feel it now or feel it later....but you will feel it.
I have cried so much this week I think I am having an allergic reaction.  My left eye has been puffy and tender.   I have a rash like area under my nose.   My collar area on my neck/chest area has that same rash like bumps.   I can only contribute it to crying.   I cry and will raise my arm and wipe the years away.   When it gets over powering I sometimes use the collar of my shirts to wipe the tears.
I don't like starting things and not finishing them but lately I have a lot of those things.

A Letter To Jared

Dear Jared,
I talk to you all the time and I hear you and feel you with me.   I want you to know how very much I love you.   I have had the privilege of knowing you longer and in a special way separate of all others.   I have so much to say to you.
First I don't agree with your decision but I love you.  I understand why you did.   I know it was your only way to escape the pain you felt.   Unfortunately,  you didn't allow yourself to let those closest to you to help find another way.   That is ok.
Today I ran errands and boy did I miss my copilot.   I miss our talks,  our conversations about life and politics over an ice cream cone.   I miss asking you about things like how to operate my cell phone or where something is on island.   I miss joking around with you and having you come up behind me and hug me.
Yesterday I took your scooter to Phil's.   He sure does miss you.   But everyone here does.   Phil said he is going to work on your scooter himself.   He said the starter has a sensor issue and it is a quick fix.  He is going to replace the broken mirror and fix the bolts in the seat so it will lock again.   Said that is easy to fix as well.   It was emotional diving your scooter down.   Thanks for helping me get it started.
I didn't realize until this morning that I haven't made breakfast on the weekend since you left.   Rich said he misses me fixing breakfast.   I guess I haven't because you pointed out to me years ago I always made omelets or scrambled eggs on Saturday and pancakes on Sundays.    That was something you looked forward to on the weekends.   Now I just try to sleep as long as I can on Saturdays especially.
Next weekend I will make breakfast for Rich and think of you.
I hope you and your Dad are enjoying your time without anyone pulling you away from him.   I know that always broke your heart that you didn't spend as much time with him during your visits as you wanted. I know he looked forward to you getting older to do things with that he felt more comfortable doing.   Please give him a hug for me and tell him I said he better take good care of you and to take you for ice cream and then go mudding.
I hope you have enjoyed seeing your family and friends that have gone before you and those who have arrived after you.
I did talk to Rich about what you were concerned with and he thinks it is a great idea.   So looks like you and I will be traveling and helping others.
Hope you are taking good care of Poco.   He sure did miss you.   When he kissed us we knew he was ready to go see you.
I was happy to read your messages about living here.   I knew you were happy here, but it still was comforting to see it in writing to someone I didn't know.
Your Bestie is one amazing young woman.   I am really enjoying getting to know her and her family.   She is really helping me get the message out about suicide prevention.   We will walk in September in Nashville for the Suicide Prevention Walk and then attend a Cardinal Game on Sunday.   I am going to wear one of your jerseys, probably Molina.
I gave your cereal to Ricky.   He said he loves raisin bran.   Kind of upset me you didn't eat it all. ..lol.   Still trying to get through all the things of yours.  Somethings are near impossible for me.  I have found toe nails of yours in the living room and on the steps outside and of course in the trundle.   I know you laughed at each one I found.
Well enough for now.   I love you very very much.   To the moon and back has now become to heaven and back.

I will rock you back and forth,  back and forth.   I will sing to you. ...I love you forever,  I like you for always,  as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Love,
Mom

Dealing With The Personal Things

When people pass you always think of the items like clothes and cars but what about the personal things?  We so often forget about the personal things.  There are some personal things I am struggling with so much.  I am was able to finally take Jared's bed apart and wash his sheet but I can't wash his pillows, pillow cases, or blanket that I made him that he loved.  I can't deal with his toothbrush.  I can't move his bath towel, still hanging as he left it.  Why?  Yesterday Rich and I were talking about razors and I thought Jared had a couple he hadn't used.  But when I got them I noticed blond hair in the corners of the blades.  For emotional reasons Rich did not want to use them.  I threw them away but as I did I began to cry.  Why?  They are just razors!  But they are Jared's razors.  Why can't I clean his disgusting bath tub with all his soccer dirt in it?  WHY?  I am down to moving the trundle to the bed and again I am stuck.  After taking all the clothes out and sorting them into piles by size and like items together I find toe nails and blond hair in the corners of the trundle.  Why can't I just clean it up?  It has set here a week!  Dang it Deb get the pledge and a rag for God sake and clean it.  But I just cry.  I will make myself today clean it.  I must, I have no choice but to do it.  The bathroom items on the other hand will have to wait for another day.  Everything I touch of his has a memory attached to it.  EVERYTHING!  But some things are just so personal that it is intense.  I wore his class ring for about a week after he passed.  He was so proud of that ring and it took a lot for me to afford what I did, but it was his first piece of nice jewelry.
His Urn with his mode of transportation God gave him (his remains) is now a personal item for me.  I touch it ever so gently.  I traveled with it wrapped so perfectly and securely.  Rich insured he was always between Jared and other travelers who had no idea what I was carrying on my back in a soccer backpack.  I look at everything so differently.  I don't want to let go of what I had to already let go of.  Why?
His cup still sits in the cabinet waiting for him.  His towel and his dirty shower still await him.
Today, I will once again try to start his scooter and take it to the shop to be looked at.  I have only tried to start it one time and it wouldn't fire then it just stopped trying all together.  I am hopeful that today I can get it down there.  I don't know what to think or do with some things but I know with the love of Rich and family and friends it will all be dealt with in time.

Roller Coaster Ride

The part couple of days have been a roller coaster ride for me.   Today we had to do some regular shopping.   We walked into the office supply store and I am hit with all the Back To School Sales.   While Rich was with me he didn't understand what I was feeling.   We did what we had to and on our way out he said "$0.10 a tablet of paper that is a great deal".  Yep there it was right up side the head a slap of reality.   Every other year I would have bought 10 because they are only ten cents.   I purposely walked through the store looking straight ahead so I wouldn't look at the pencils or anything school related.   Then we head to the electronics store. ... slap the only time you have ever been in here was with Jared. .....uuuggghhhh then off to the department store you guessed it. ..Back To School.   OMG can I go anywhere today that isn't going to make me want to scream?
We finished our shopping and headed down to the boardwalk to share a burger and fries before going to the BBQ and Hot Sauce Contest.   It was lovely,  we had a great breeze and enjoyed talking to each other.   I told Rich of the feelings I had while shopping.   He had no idea but felt terrible he didn't pick up on it.   He said he knew something was going on in me but didn't want to say something that was going to make me cry which would upset me in public.   Sometimes it is all I can do to hold it together.
We then spent the afternoon with friends supporting them while they competed in the competition.   It was a nice time people watching.  After the awards presentation we headed home to unload the items from this morning's shopping adventure.   We spent about three hours talking about today and about Jared.   We then headed down to the boardwalk and visited with friends.   Diet Coke for me and a beautiful breeze was exactly what the doctor ordered for me.
Yesterday a guy we meet the other night came up to me and asked if he could give me a hug.   I said sure.   He said I heard about your son and what a great kid he was.   He said he had heard from several people what a kind and caring person he was and he said many people described him as an amazing kid.   Why yes he was would you like to see pictures of him?   He did and I reached into me grief toolkit and pulled out my electric photo album aka cell phone.   I showed him pictures and I shared stories about Jared.   Tonight I saw him again.   He again hugged me and said he was glad he is getting to know us.
I have had so many feeling the past couple of days.  Happy and sad, pride and frustration,  anger and peace, heartbreak and. .....I don't know what to call it.
Just like a roller coaster I have been up down scared happy and begging to get off this carnival ride.

Work Zone Ahead

Today I read an article by a lady saying after years of grieving she is a work zone that requires hard hats and dark glasses.   I totally understood what she was saying.   I had what I call emotional days today.  I will not call it a bad day because it was just emotional.   Any day God has given me is a good day.  I also understand that I must walk through all these feeling I don't like but it is part of it.   I also read more of my book that Dr Marshall loaned me.   I am getting into the specifics of suicide feelings.  Apparently this is the worst grief to experience in the worst loss possible.   Great!   Not the kind of luck I want.   I did have confirmed that Jared is responsible for his suicide no one else.   While issues contributed to his extreme depression he made his choice.   I always get asked,  and have asked the same thing in the past if others,  why would they do that?   The answer is. .... It is the only way they saw to end the pain they are in.   Some,  most,  leave a note but most often things left in those notes may reference symptoms,  they do not talk about the real issue.  
I have lots of work ahead of me.   Probably like a work zone in Chicago... never goes away.   I continue to pray for strength and guidance from God.   I ask him for my lows to not be so low and to have more highs.  
At times my work zone requires dark glasses.   Sometimes my work zone requires hard hats.   And sometimes my work zone requires loving arms wrapped around me.  

Changing My Shopping Mentality

A few days ago I had to do the normal shopping for the house.  I found myself still grabbing items and putting them in the cart unconsciously because Jared would like it.   This is Jared's favorite he will be surprised.   Then I would realize what I had done and put things back.   I would do things like that constantly.   While moving my desk into the office packages of pencil erasers and packages of multicolored ink pens were in one of the drawers from where I bought them for $.18 when they were on clearance.   I have tablets and folders to last a long time.
When I arrived home and while putting the groceries away I realized I have enough food to last a very long time now.   Jared was thin but could eat like an elephant.   I don't know where he put it all.   That night I made pasta and began to cry.   Rich asked me what was wrong. ...I told him I was sorry I made so much food. He hugged me and said no problem he would eat it all.   I know he stuffed himself to help me feel better.
I don't know how long I will continue to see things and start to buy them or think Jared has to see this or I can't wait to tell Jared about this.   In a way I hope it never does go away.   I have been told by other mothers who have lost children in their teen years that they are forever this age.   So Jared will forever be 17.  I will watch his friends grow up,  go off to college,  get married,  have children and Jared will still be a rising senior.

Comforting The Forgotten Grievers

In the book I was loaned to help me walk through grief,  I just read about those who are often forgotten about when someone passes away.   It was brought to the front of my thought process this morning when I learned a friend passed away this morning after fighting cancer for six years.   She is a couple of years younger than I am but we became closer friends in or younger adulthood.  I wrapped my love around her when she lost her parents within six months of each other and in an instant she and her brother, both in their early twenties, were adult orphans in a blink of an eye.   I hurt for both of them at the time.   I now hurt again for this family.  My friend leaves three beautiful children behind and a brother that is now the left alone.
My friend had two best friends. ... sisters really.   They have now lost a sister. .. not just a friend.
This brought up a lot for me to ponder today.   Think of all the people who are ignored when someone passes.   The ex-wife/ex-husband,  the ex in-laws,  the ex step parent, the lover of a cheating spouse.  These people are often so grief stricken and receive no understanding our support through their grief. Just because you don't like the title of the person doesn't mean your loved one that passed didn't love them and vice versa. I also thought to all those that are grieving for Jared.   He had teachers,  friends,  ladies from the cafeteria,  and a couple of young ladies that I believe truly were in love with him.   I don't know if they ever told him that or if he ever told them but a special love nonetheless.
I think it is important to remember those people who are just as important in the lives of those who pass need grief support just as much as those who are biologically close to the deceased.
Rest in peace with no more pain my sweet  and for goodness sake don't tell Jared everything we did in our younger years.

I Don't Cry Because Jared Is Gone, I Cry Because I Love Him

Sometimes I cry when I hear a song or when I am getting ready to do something.   Sometimes I cry at photos.   Sometimes I just cry. But I cry because I love him so much.   It is still hard for me to grasp he will not come back.   At some point each day I will go to his Urn and just touch it.  I say good morning to him each day and good night before bed.   I listen to every bird,  I see every lizard,  and I see intense colors.   my body had hinge through physical changes from weight loss to extremely dry skin on my legs that cause me to itch all the time.   Sometimes even these things trigger tears.   I wish he would have made the choice to go for the medical treatment he needed but I will not blame him. ...I love him.   Things I have learned from his electronics break my heart so I cry because I love him.
Rich grieves differently than I do for many different reasons.   He grieves as a step father who has helped to raise him since Jared was three.   He grieves for the son he lost,  for the relationship they shared.   They had a beautiful relationship when Jared was small.   Jared was all over Rich and enjoyed so much they would do.   When Jared got older he went through the phase of. .. you aren't my dad.   But recently it was typical up and down teenage stuff.   However the diving and water activities continued to be shared including the plans for "that" day.   I know when Rich cries it is because he loves Jared.
I guess what my point is when you see people cry,  sometimes it is because they love someone they lost.   Not because they lost someone they love.
That may not make sense to some,  I understand.   It is true,  I think especially when you lose a child to sudden death.   I think we cry over all that could have been.   Because you want the best for your children. ... because you love them.
You cry at things you know they would have enjoyed with you. .. because you love them.
I love Jared. .. always have. .. always will.

I Wonder. .....

Some days I wonder what Jared would be asking me permission to do,  who he could go to the beach with,  what group of friends he would be playing pick up with.   Today was the other wonder day.   I wonder who all has he met and what all has he been doing?  Has he and his dad been catching up on life our working on cars or hunting together?  Has his Grandpa Orval ( my dad ) drank a beer with him?   Has he been running around with his cousin Jacob?   Has he been stuffed with wonderful cooking from Great Grandma Elsie,  Aggie,  and Faye?   Has he been on tractors with Great Uncle Russ and Great Grandpa's DeLong, Walters,  and Backs?  Has he been playing soccer with former coach Daniel?   Is he and John Boy sitting around a campfire talking to Civil War Soldiers and going to Balls?  Is he and Aaron tubing down a river?   Is he flying to Brazil. ... was he there to see the finals?   I know he was with Tim Howard on that awesome night.   Is he scuba diving with pioneers of the underwater world?   Is he listening to Johnny and June sing with our sweet friend Johnny?  Has he met friends of ours and family members that even we never met?   Is he sitting around with Uncle Pat and Aunt Rose listening to stories of " when your mom was a little girl" and stories of how they grew up and helped Jesse James and his brothers dig wells?   Did he finally meet again his distant cousin Buckshot?
I don't know if they sleep in heaven our not but if they do I am sure Jared hasn't done much of it.   I am also sure when I arrive that he will talk to me non stop for days telling me of all his adventures.

I am Jared's Mom

A couple of nights ago I was introduced to someone on the island as Jared's Mom and I got "the look" and I am so sorry greeting.  At first it upset me...but then I thought why did I get upset?  I AM JARED'S MOM!  I am, was, and forever will be Jared's Mom.  I am proud to be Jared's Mom!  I was extremely anxious about this past weekend and especially for yesterday to come.  Why?  I really don't know.  I thought back to something I told Jared....it is just a box on the calendar....nothing more.  I try to remind myself of that often.  As I went through the anniversary dates they just weren't so bad after I let go of the fear.  Why was I fearing anything?  He couldn't leave again.
I am proud to be Jared's Mom and I will move forward and do whatever I can to bring awareness to Suicide Prevention.
Today Rich and I had a "debriefing" session with Jared's, and now our, therapist.  We all laughed, cried, and remembered Jared.  She is wonderful!  She has consistantly checked in on us.  She too saw his lifeless body "that' morning.  She is walking some of the same steps we are.  She walked us back through the last month and how things went stateside and how we lost Poco and are coping with all of these crazy emotions.
After the session I have spent time in my new office and cleaning files off my computer because it is out of space!  Wonder why with all the papers that have been saved for English and Science reports...lol
This gave me time and opportunity to find pictures that I forgot I even had and to think through all the thank yous that I have written and all the stories I have had shared with me.  A couple of things were repeated over and over:

• He was such a cool kid
• He was so kind
• He made me laugh
• He made me feel special
• He always knew when I needed a hug
• He had so much God given talent
• He was an awesome Goalie

Well as Jared's Mom.....he was a pretty cool kid. He could hold a converstation with a 1 year old, a 17 year old, a 40 year old, or a 100 year old and make them feel special.  He was like a sponge when it came to having a conversation with people.  He could remember names and things about people.  I miss that so much...he was the one I would ask, now who is that again?
He was kind and made you feel special.  He was always there to help people.  Has been since he was a little boy.  He used to always want to help me clean house so I would let him take the pledge and a dust rag and dust the base boards because they were closer to his height than mine at that time.  He was always so proud of that.  As he grew he helped his grandmother mow the yard on the riding mower.  He was maybe 5 and was running it by himself!  When storms would blow limbs down he could always be found across the street helping our neighbor out.  When he had a medical scare, Jared was right there to offer help with mowing or whatever was needed.  When the lady across the street from us lost her husband in an accident....we made her dogs treats for Christmas when we made Poco some and took her some cookies.  He offered her the same help if she needed her yard mowed.  Of course most people know he spent day and night helping Kingston Springs with the flood relief in 2010.
He did make you laugh and give you a hug when you needed it.  He was always a huggy type of boy.  I loved all the hugs when he was little.  Even in elementary school I would get one every morning.  Middle School?  Not so many and definately not in front of the other kids.    The picture in this post was taken while getting Jared's 3 year photos done.  I wasn't planning to be in them, therefore, no make up and hair flat.  I was sitting with him while the photographer was moving the camera and getting props set up and he kept hugging and kissing me.  So she called out to us and snapped a photo.  It is one of my favorites.
Need I even say how I felt about him and his talent when it came to soccer?  HE WAS THE BEST....ask me and I will tell you.  I really have no doubt he had what it took to go someplace big with it.

I only have one regret in my time with Jared....I didn't take a million more pictures and hug him and kiss him a million more times.

Yes I am very proud to be Jared's Mom.  I don't mind if everytime I am introduced for the rest of my life I am introduced as Jared's Mom....I am honored.  Very Honored!

One Month Later

I wish I could say with time this is getting easier to deal with....but it just isn't.  I feel like I am being unfair to my husband because I am overwhelmed with all these feelings.  When I made the choice to move my grief from Facebook to this blog that it would open my grief up to the World...not just those I chose to be "friends" with that I would open myself up for critisism.  I am ok with that....been dealing with it for many years when it comes to Jared.  I have been talked poorly about since I made the decision to remove Jared from his grandmother's care while I worked, nearly 15 years ago.  I have been called more names that I care to recall.  So maybe I am still in shock and numb but I really don't care if I am told that I am to blame....because it just isn't true.
When Jared made his choice one month ago, he gave me a new purpose and mission in life.  He was always helping others and asking me to as well when he knew we could help someone.  With Jared guiding me I will push to help others so they won't make the same choice he did.  I hope that together we all can bring awareness for this terrible disease and abolish the stigma that comes with it.  There is NO shame in asking for help.  There is NO shame in seeking medical treatment for problems with your mind.  After all, we seek treatment for everything else.  I am writing this post from our new office.  This room used to be known as Jared's bedroom.  Now it will be an office where different memories will be made.  A place where I will push for awareness of Suicide and the signs of it.  A place where I hope that the slogan "YOUR A KEEPER" catches on and is used in every school in the World along with implementation of a FREE program through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention called Beyond Just Sad.  I have learned so many statistics in the last month that it is mind boggling to me we don't have more "in your face" awareness.

Suicide is ranked the number _____ cause of death in the United States.

Every ____________ someone in the US dies from Suicide.

Every ____________ someone in the World dies from Suicide.

Do you know where your state ranks in suicide?
Tennessee is number 20!
Alaska and Nevada are tied for first.
The Western States and Southern States lead the nation in the highest rates.


Answers:
Suicide is ranked the number 10 cause of death in the United States.

Every 16 minutes someone in the US dies from Suicide.

Every 1 SECOND someone in the World dies from Suicide.

Pretty sad statics aren't they?  The Number 10 cause of death is rarely talked about and little awareness is pushed.  We hear all the publicity for Cancer Walks, Lukemia Walks, Bike-A-Thons, Labor Day Telethons,5-K runs, but until a friend of Jared's formed Team Jared's Keepers, I didn't know of the Walk From Darkness Suicide Prevention Walk existed!  WHY?  Why isn't every news channel in America telling us about these when they happen.  IT IS NUMBER 10!

Information from the CDC based on 2011 Data:

• Heart disease: 597,689
• Cancer: 574,743
• Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 138,080
• Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 129,476
• Accidents (unintentional injuries): 120,859
• Alzheimer's disease: 83,494
• Diabetes: 69,071
• Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 50,476
• Influenza and Pneumonia: 50,097
• Intentional self-harm (suicide): 38,364

Together I hope you will join me to get rid of the stigma that comes with depression and mental illness and allow, as well as encourage/support those around us to seek treatment.

Rage

Remember I told you before Rich was supposed to go diving "that" morning?   Well this morning he finally went.   I think he struggled with it for multiple reasons but he didn't want to leave me alone in the house.   I love him so much for trying to protect me but some things I must do alone.   He can't always be with me.   This morning I was alone.   I got up and thought I will make myself breakfast,  but somewhere between the bedroom and the kitchen I was overtaken by rage.  Like red line RAGE.  I screamed at Jared that this house is mine, not his.   This furniture is mine, not his.   This room no longer belonged to him because he threw all of it away so it is mine now.   I stomped, kicked things, hit things, cried, and yelled at him.   AND I repurposed that room that once belonged to him to a wonderful space that will soon be our office.   I never realized it had the best breeze and view.   I moved furniture into other locations and swept and cleaned and let the emotions flow.
I think in allowing myself to feel that and walk through it I also cleaned and swept my emotions out. ... the bad, dirty emotions.   The ones that wouldn't allow me to move the ratty pair of tennis shoes that Jared and I went to Rivergate Mall last summer and bought for school.   The ones that wouldn't allow me to unmake  his bed.   Well it is my bed now so the dirty sheets go in the washer.   I confess I put his pillows and blanket in a basket to keep as they still smell like him and I just can't make myself wash them yet.   The room only has what once was his bed which will now be repurposed into a sofa since it is a day bed anyway.   A clean slate unto which we will make an office.
When Rich arrived home I was sitting on the "sofa" crying.   Not weeping,  bring me a bucket so I don't have to mop, crying.   He looked around the house and seen what had taken place and just hugged me to let me know we are going to be ok.
It is now after two in the afternoon my time and I still haven't eaten breakfast.   Rich is cleaning his truck which is one of the ways he copes and we will grill burgers in a while, then we will head to the Boardwalk to watch the World Cup Finals.   I was happy for my Dutch friends for taking third place.   Now to watch, celebrate, and enjoy friends.   Captain Morgan's is hosting a party that we were invited to with the AYSO soccer team and to watch on their giant screen TV.  But I am glad we have chosen to celebrate on the Boardwalk while enjoying the warm Caribbean breezes,  cool drinks,  and lots of friends.

Dropped Into An Empty Nest

One of the hardest issues to deal with since returning home is being dropped into an empty nest. I had been preparing myself for about six weeks for the loss of Poco.  He had been diagnosed with kidney failure and his throat was collapsing, common issues in the Bishon breed.  I had sat up all night rocking him.   He had slept in bed with me so I could listen for him,  which we never allowed he always slept in his kennel.   I guess since March I had entered into a grieving process.  But "that" night he slept in his kennel which allowed me to be able to say I love you Jared Good Night and for him to respond Good Night love you too mom.
Jared, while I was concerned he might try,  was a shock in more than one way to just be gone.   The timing was unexpected,  he had plans,  he was making plans. I had spent nights in December and January awake all night listening and watching Jared to make sure he didn't hurt himself.   I realized last night I was the first and last person to hold Jared.  Isn't it ironic that for nine months Jared only existed inside me and now he only exists inside me again?  
Since returning home I sometimes cry ay the quiet.   I sometimes cry when I make Rich's breakfast.   Why?   Simple, my routine has for years consisted on waking up, letting Poco out of his kennel as I was waking Jared up, then letting him in getting his breakfast do he could eat while I was making breakfast for the family.   Following meals Poco would play a game with Rich or Jared where they would act like they would take some of his food and he would growl and nip at their toes AND if they had socks on he would try to pull them off in the game.   I would hear tiny toe nails clicking on floors, barking as Rich lowers the for rest on his recliner.   I would have the constant,  Mom can I..... and Mom do you know where my_____ is I can't find it.
Now I have only to make breakfast for Rich.   I have called for Poco to go out with me as I went out so he could potty.   I have called out to Jared to see what he would like for dinner.   I have picked up my phone and began to call Jared to ask him to pick something up on his way home. .... and then I cry.
Everything is different.   I have so few dishes to do.   Food intake has drastically declined in the house.   Laundry has become a 7-10 event compared to every two to three days.  
Most people have the adjustment period to phase into the empty nest.  I was just dropped in.   This has left strong feeling of emptiness.   I shared with Rich the other night I feel so empty I want to adopt a child, I want a dog I can't take this quiet.   I know neither of those would be healthy for me right now. But we are trying to learn ways to cope with these feelings on top of all the others.  
So maybe that is what the people who asked if Jared was my only child meant and knew. Maybe they knew the feelings of empty nesting and couldn't imagine going through it and the loss at the same time.
I had someone ask me a couple days ago how I was feeling.   I told them i didn't just feel i had been dealt a bad hand of cards,  I told them I feel like I have been sat down at a table to play a game of cards that I know nothing about with a group of people who are speaking a language I don't understand.
Tomorrow will be one month without Jared.   I am hoping that it also ends the subconscious counting of weeks every time Saturday comes around.
I also have to be thankful.   Thankful for wonderful people here in the VI and St Croix specifically that helped to expedite all the paperwork and processes so I could get Jared back and begin that healing process with his family and friends.   Island life is much slower and there isn't an exception when it comes to government paperwork. Our paper prints funeral schedules.   If you look at the picture you will understand some families must wait weeks or months before all the paperwork is complete.
You are probably wondering why I say I am thankful for this.   Well because,  I may be feeling grief and empty nesting all at once but at least I can feel it.   I am not having to stress over paperwork.  I can focus on healing and grieving.

Jump Up

Tonight we will attend our first Jump Up without Jared.  I know he and other Crucians in Heaven will be celebrating with us.  I wish so much that Jared would have chosen not to committ suicide but he did.  He also chose to live life to its' absolute fullest while he was on Earth.  So while I may not feel like celebrating, I will go forward and enjoy all the things he would have enjoyed about tonight.  He would have enjoyed watching Kiki and the Flaming Gypsies....he was after all ALL BOY and loved half dressed good looking girls.  I will enjoy conversations with friends and make new ones.  I will enjoy the warm Caribbean breezes on the Boardwalk.  I will smile as I pay a drink tab that probably has a drink or two for a friend on it.  Most of all, I will enjoy memories of Jared at past Jump Ups.  I will also enjoy the love and companionship of my sweet husband Rich.  He has shown me over the past month a side I never knew he had.  One of softness and vulnerability.  He has taken Jared's place as being my biggest protector.  I shared with him almost a month ago, that this tragedy had the potential to drive us apart or closer together.  We have cried together, laughed together, and shared very raw feelings together.  We are making sure we do not drive one another away from each other but rather pull tighter to one another and weather this storm together.
I will enjoy an event that inside I may not want to but, I know that Jared would not want me to sit and wallow in missery but "Come On Mom and Make A Difference".  Jared was a lot like me when it came to that.  Don't believe me ask Brian Chase.  Jared had practice but continued to check on Brian to make sure he didn't need anything in his election tent.  He believed Brian would be a better candidate for the betterment of the students in Cheatham County.  He campaigned for Mary MacRae to become Mayor of Cheatham County.  However, God knew things were going to change for her and she would be needed much more by her sweet Angel Johnnie.  I was surprised at the Kingston Springs service that MacRae for Mayor flyers did not fall from the sky that night.  I even found some messages on his phone asking friends of his to vote for her.  What a kid!  I know that when Mary is elected this fall as the Mayor Of Cheatham County that Jared will be there celebrating with her.
So those of you who do not live on St. Croix....Jump Up tonight and celebrate life.  Celebrate all the beautiful things around you.
From Wikipedia:

A moko jumbie (also known as "moko jumbi" or "mocko jumbie") is a stilts walker or dancer. The origin of the term may come from "Moko" (a possible reference to an African god) and "jumbi", a West Indian term for a ghost or spirit that may have been derived from the Kongo language word zumbi. The Moko Jumbies are thought to originate from West African tradition brought to the Caribbean.

A Moko Jumbie character may wear colorful garb and carnival masks. They also frequent festivals and celebrations such asTrinidad and Tobago Carnival.

While the god Moko is from the Kongo (or Congo) and Nigeria, from the Nuapa people, Trinidad and Tobago has added their own touch to him. Moko, in the traditional sense, is a god. He watches over his village, and due to his towering height, he is able to foresee danger and evil. His name, Moko, literally means the “diviner” and he would be represented by men on towering stilts and performs acts that were unexplainable to the human eye. In one remote tribe, the Moko rises from a regular mans’ height to the skies fluidly with no help and descends similarly to leave others to wonder how he performed such an act.

The Moko arrived in Trinidad by “walking all the way across the Atlantic Ocean from the West coast of Africa, laden with many, many centuries of experience, and, in spite of all inhuman attacks and encounters, yet still walks tall, tall, tall. (John Cupid, Caribbean Beat)” The idea of the Moko survived by living in the hearts of African descendants during slavery and colonial life to eventually walk the streets of Trinidad in a celebration of freedom, Carnival. While this figure was rooted in African heritage, Trinidad adapted the figure, notably by adding on Jumbie or ghost to the name. The by the early 1900s Moko Jumbies had become an element of Trinidad’s Carnival. This figure would walk the streets of Port of Spain and other cities protecting the city and revelers from evil. As part of his role in Carnival the Moko Jumbie would accept donations from onlookers in upper floors of buildings. However, his notable figure of Carnival slowly faded until a drastic revival.

By the early 1990s Moko Jumbies were essentially non-existent in Carnival, until two men brought this tradition back. These men, namely Moose and Dragon, have brought the Moko Jumbie back to a place of prominence in Carnival and created a new kind of Moko Jumbie. One man originally brought the idea to them as well as the knowledge of how to make stilts. The style of stilts they walked was very similar to the modern day ones but with one main difference, they had no front leg brace. This changed when a man named Ben Block from Canada, a random traveler, came to Trinidad with a pair of stilts. He had a frontal brace on the upper leg and the Trinidadians took inspiration from this design and used it in their own. Now there are two main Moko Jumbie bands in Trinidad, Watusi and Kilimanjaro, as well as several smaller ones. So while the idea of the Moko came from Africa, Trinidad has made it its own.

Amazing Beautiful Life

http://youtu.be/4a4NZt1afnATonight Rich and I witnessed God's beautiful creatures being born.   66 of the most beautiful Leatherback Sea Turtles. There were more deeper in the nest but they just weren't ready to meet the World yet.    We watched them flow out of the sand and they were then picked up,  given to the scientists to take dna samples,  then we loaded up in cars and drove to the south side of the island to release them where they would have the best shot for survival.   They have many predators and the South shores provide sea grass and drift wood to help camouflage them.   When we arrived at the south shore we all stood in a single file line and made sure the beach was crab free for the release.   Then all at once we set them in the sand and they took off for the water.  They are guided by the moon light.   It is important that they start off in the sand to get their flippers prepared for the water and adjust to temperature changes.   As I stood waiting Rich said to me. ... you have a feisty one.   Yes I did.   He was flapping and wanting to go explore the ocean.  In case you are wondering they are pretty darn strong for babies.   But after all they just dug through the feet of sand to surface.  
The sad statistic is only 1 in 1000 sea turtles survive.   I hope to again one day meet my feisty little one as I explore the ocean while diving.  
The entire time I thought about Jared.   He was so excited to do this with us.   He too loved sea turtles.   Unfortunately,  he was not there with is in person.  I do feel he was there watching.  
Today I spent half sleeping. .. seems my battery takes longer to charge and half the time to run out.   The other half I took the scooter to the post office and finished up the thank you cards for St Croix.  
I joined a private Facebook group yesterday,  Suicide: parents left behind.   I have read several stories and found similar stories of teens showing extra love to their parents just before they crossed over into afterlife.   Stories break my heart of violent ways some of these children have gone.   I know Jared was concerned with me finding him and that is why he chose his way.   Peacefully,  non violent,  cross over to the afterlife.  
I listened to the waves crash next to us as we waited for the newborns to fully surface.   I heard that same bird song I have been listening to for nearly a month now.   I had this extreme peace come over me.
Jared's therapist,  now our therapist,  has checked on us every couple of days to see how we are coping.   She is a God Send to us.   We meet with her next week. ...a follow up to the first month.   I am not sure how I feel yet.   Will it be emotional?   Pretty sure if that.  But I have began my year of firsts.   My first day,  my first week,  my first airplane ride without him in the seat next to me,  my first trip to Tennessee without him, our first trip to our families without him, our first trip back home without him.
Now I prepare for the first month.  
I will survive it as I have all the other firsts.