Surviving Christmas

Moments of joy, sorrow, despair, heartache, hyperventilation, and even anger was a part of Christmas.  Most of all was a strong presence of Jared with me.  I had a moment in the morning where I returned to the bedroom before my shower and just cried.  I felt his arm around me and heard him talking to me comforting me.  Mom, I am right here with you today I would not miss Christmas with you.  I know it was Jared because there was a weight to the touch and a temperature change around it.  I cried more that he WAS there.  I was able to pull myself together and later went to my sister-in-laws for the evening.  She and her husband had purchased a beautiful white candle and beautiful holder with tiny rocks in it.  It was so Jared.  As soon as I saw it I had to find an alone spot.  I retreated to the basement for what became a grief attack.
As a weeped and had a paper towel over my eyes, because that was what I could find in the dark, I could see Jared and bright colorful lights behind him.  I don't even know the words to describe what I witnessed.  It was breathtaking, literally!  It typical Jared fashion, he turned the tables on me.  Mom stop this right now, you are stronger than this.  You know I am right here with you, and I could feel him there....that touch again.  Temperature change again.  He told me if I didn't stop crying he was going to call Rich to come comfort me.   Within moments Rich appeared.  I just wanted to melt...but I didn't want to take my eyes off Jared.  He was beautiful and perfect, tan and physically fit as ever.  He told me he is ok....and about that time a second image appeared.  It was his Dad.  His Dad said, it is ok, I have him and he is fine.  We are having time together like you hoped we are.  About that time along came Poco and jumped into Jared's arms.  Jared said, it is ok Mom, go enjoy the rest of the night and I will be right here.
Somehow this moment gave me strength.  As we ate dinner and opened gifts I saw him there, heard his laughter and could see him shaking his head and snickering.
I look forward to the day I reunite with him, and all the loved ones that have gone before me.  I look forward to meeting those I never knew.
I continue to listen with my heart and soul and listen for direction.
I pray I never close off to spirit encounters.

I pray you are or become open to spiritual encounters of your own.

Holiday Travel With Zoe

I decided to grieve with humor tonight.  I hope you enjoy today's adventures seen through the eyes of a 5 month old puppy.

Well today was crazy!  First Dad comes in and turns on the lights and hollers while I am sleeping wanting to know why I am still sleeping.  Well that is because Dad set the rule I must be quiet until the sun comes up.  I have to say, I was regretting the early morning events the past few days.  So I tried to gather my thoughts as Mom was up too and she wanted to take me out so I could, let's just say, water the lawn.  So business is now taken care of and back in the house it is.  No breakfast for me.  But I don't really care.  I knew something was up because these things they call suitcases were out.  I has seen them a couple weeks ago with these people I now know as Granny and Papa came to visit.  These things carried their clothes and stuff. Mom has been putting stuff in them for a couple of days now.  This morning she even put my blanket and Zebra I sleep with in one.  My adventures continued as our friend Bob came and we put those suitcases in his truck and we got in.  OH BOY, I thought, I smell Cash my Pit Bull friend.  I thought we were going to see him.  But nope....he took us to this place Dad calls an airport.  This lady took those things mom put our clothes in and I thought we would never see them again.  Then we went through this thing called Customs and it was quick according to Dad.  If he says so.  Then it was to Security.  Mom carried me through and she had to take her shoes off.  She was wearing my favorite pair of tennis shoes that I like to chew on the strings.  Then my Zebra had to go through this tunnel thing with a belt.  I thought it might have eaten my Zebra but nope....he he came.....whew!  Once we got all our stuff together we sat forever!  Like longer than forever.  But little kids and older ladies LOVE me.  I was adored by all.  Then Dad got frustrated and began to complain and Mom told him it would all be ok.  But he was saying something about our plane not being there and that we were going to be late.  Well after a long time the plane came and we went out and got in this thing.  It flys like a bird does but we got in it.  Can you believe that?  It was loud and I was really nervous.  But it got worse....yes worse.  It began to rumble and make more noise and then it shook and Mom said something about we were off.  Off what?  Where?  I settled into Dad's arms.  I knew he would protect me...  Awww this flying thing is nothing.  Up down up down up down slow fast slow fast.....I think I am going to hurl......boom....what the?  Mom said see you did a good job but I heard her tell Dad that was a bit of a hard landing.   We climbed out of that giant bird and we were somewhere they called San Juan.  They speak my language......IChihuahua!
Quickly Mom carried me and we were off to something they called a gate....didn't look like a gate to me but that is what everyone called it all day long.  We got on this GIANT bird plane this time.  Wow she was big.  But remember Dad got me up early so I slept most of it on Dad's lap.
We landed in Miami and Mom and Dad were both worried about getting to the right gate.  They said we had to take a train to get to our gate.  We got there and Dad stressed Mom out and there we sat and sat and sat.  Oh here comes a hot white Havenese....that is right he was a hottie.  I did my best to attract him but he wasn't paying attention. Finally, he notices me and so it began, a beautiful flirtation airport fling.
After a long wait...like a week, the bipods finally told us we had to go all the way back to where we started from. So back on the train again.  While running down the hall I had a little accident but Mom and Dad was cool about it.  Dad said he didn't blame me it was American Airlines fault because we should be pulling in to Granny and Papa's by now.  Well we finally got on a plane and we had a grouchy lady in front of us and even grouchier lady waiting on people, I think they called her a stewardess.  Well we made it to St Louis and OMG it was cold!  Mom put me on top of the suitcase and I got to surf down the luggage claim and when we went outside I knew we were no longer in Paradise.  My teeth were chattering.  We then got on this bus and went to get the rental car.  Mom stayed outside with me and froze.  Dad finally came and we got in the car and drove to Granny and Papa's.  I watched out the windows and wow I couldn't believe my eyes, all the lights, cars, smells, and people. 
After an eternity, we arrived, and guess what, it WAS Granny and Papa's.  The same people who were just at my house.  I found them....oh I am so happy.  Well it is late .... to bed I go.

Wailing Of A Childless Mother

I attended Freddy's memorial soccer game yesterday.  As his Momma came up his Step-Dad told her my name but I recognized she was in the same Fog I had been in.  So as I hugged her she began to go limp and wail the familiar wail I do.  I later learned she spoke little English but there was a connection that mothers have that have lost a child.  It is so unique and there are no words to describe.  I found joy in the game as I could see Jared and Freddy both on the field playing with everyone.  Several College Freshmen had made it back in time to participate and was so wonderful seeing them.  What was also nice is I met the parents of a girl I would sit next to at games and she now attends college in Nashville.  She lost her brother, blond hair, blue eyed, soccer player, a few years ago to the Tide Pools to a rogue wave.  We connected instantly and somehow knew who each other was.  We talked and shared stories of our boys and ways we cope with life.  She and her husband had to leave and shortly after I thought I need to as well.  I made my way down to hug Momma again and it was then I learned that she spoke little English.  The minister's wife interpreted and she then realized who I was.  She held my hands and didn't want to let go.  She said Freddy would talk about Jared all the time.  Oh how that warmed my heart!  As I left I would hear a voice call out, hi Mrs. Martin and I would look to find a student who was coming toward me with open arms.  They have no idea how much that means to me.  Then soccer coaches realized I was there and a couple hugs were shared between us.  I finally reached the truck and headed back to the house when the emotions became too much.  The river of tears fell.
I talked with Freddy's step brother and hugged him so much.  I knew him from the Boardwalk and mutual friends.  He is struggling on a much different level.  He informed me that Freddy was an only child and his Dad had three children.  So that put Momma's connection stronger yet.

Continued:
I continue to grieve a whole new grief this week.  I always think I am stronger than what I turn out to be.  Tomorrow I will board a plane and head to Illinois to be with family for the Holidays.  It will be Zoe's first experience of winter, plane rides, and meeting new family as well.  I am struggling with the Holiday.  I just don't want it to come at all.  But I have no control over that.  I am ready for my interview with the radio station and looking forward to that.  I want to remember Jared in a special way at Christmas but unsure what that will be until that moment.  I know I will light a candle while we are together.  I also have been filling his stocking with notes from me to him.

No Christmas cards were sent this year.  Each year we write a letter telling of our year's activities and joys.  I just couldn't do it.  Not this year.  Maybe next year...or maybe not.

I have been deep in thought the last couple of weeks about life, religion, Heaven, and purpose.  I have done a great deal of thought on each.  While I am traveling I plan on blogging more frequently and reflecting on those topics.

Prayers are appreciated and I wish each of you a Peace Filled Holiday Season.

Tragedy During the Holidays

It was confirmed this morning that a friend, fellow soccer player, and fellow senior of Jared, lost his life this weekend while enjoying time with friends at the Tide Pools here on island.  From what I understand a rogue wave hit him and carried him out to sea.  We are now just days from Christmas and this family will be dealing with so very much.  My heart breaks again for his mother who will now join the club of mothers who have lost children.  It is NOT a club anyone wants to be it, believe me.  However, I try to think of another young man from the same school who lost his life in the same area in the same way.  I think of his family who will be suffering from wounds reopened.  Soccer stand out, Senior in HS.  I know that God has an AMAZING soccer team.  I look forward to heaven to watch them play.

My in-laws left for home today and Zoe, our puppy, is lost this morning.  She is crying and sad by her loss.  What she doesn't realize is she will soon see them again.  It made me think of how young children deal with loss.  It is too big for them to understand.  Trying to help young ones through the holidays is just too hard for many.  It is important to remember to seek spiritual guidance in what you need to say.

The other night I had a complete melt down.  Rich simply did not know how to console me.  I don't know that anyone could have.  What I was feeling was completely contradictory to what I knew to be true.  Yet I felt it.  The pain was deep and severe.  What lies ahead?  My mother-in-law and I were talking and I told her I think it would be easier if I could just have A feeling, not the roller coaster that is out of control and never knowing what feeling is going to show up and when.

We are now heading into the final stretch for Christmas and God will carry me through the next month.  I am glad I can lean on God during this time.  Many people run away from him in Anger.  I am glad HE understands and is there when we need him.

May you all have a very Merry and Peaceful Christmas Season.

Reflextions

I sit here tonight reflecting on the past six months.  Six months ago today I had my son, six months ago tomorrow, 4 hours fom now, I didn't have my son on earth any longer.  It SUCKS beyond belief, beyond comprehention.  While I have family and friends supporting me it sucks and I feel alone on a deserted island.  I want to cry endlessly.  Why? Just because I do.  Oh God, my only wish is that you will send him back to me on earth, You can do anything, please do this miracle and show everyone you are real, make them believe too.

Struggling

The last several days I have been dealing with internal struggles.  Let me say this first, I have learned that there is a large difference on what you know to be true and what you feel to be true.

I know I raised Jared the very best I could.  I taught him right from wrong.  I taught him to be kind and respectful to others.  I was still teaching him how yo be a good man and future husband/father.  I know Jared loved me beyond words, as I did him.  I know I am dealing with my grief in a way many are not accustomed to.  I know I refuse to hide in shame or embarrassment of suicide.  I refuse to let suicide take my life in that capacity or any other.

Now what I feel is so drastically different that what I said above.  What I feel is I failed Jared.  I didn't shelter the real world and reality from him.  I didn't hide my struggles in life from him.  He knew when financial issues would come up and he would see me work through them.  Maybe I should have just painted sunny skis and roses.  That isn't me.  Maybe I WAS a terrible mother.  After all, I was sued so many times by my ex mother in law for that reason.  Maybe I didn't love him enough.  Maybe I should have sheltered him and not prepared him to be on his own...he could have just lived with me forever.  Maybe I am being punished.  I lost my dad at 8, had miscarriages, finally had Jared, now he is gone too.  Am I really so bad that this happened? Was I needing a Faith check?
Then there is this battle of.......worrying about how others feel when I talk about Jared.  This is a big struggle.  What the hell should I care how it impacts others.  Don't like me talking about Jared, go away.  That just isn't possible.  I am a proud momma. I will always talk about him.  I have been given a purpose, an important purpose in life to break stigmas of suicide and mental health help.
While I know my feeling are unsubstantiated, I still have them.  I find I no longer have a filter on many things. While I care for those around me, I try to let people know it is ok to talk to me.  I also want people to understand that sometimes, I struggle and for a couple of hours I just want to focus on listening to the band playing and having a couple of drinks.  Sometimes I just want to stare at the water and stars and think.
I know the next several weeks are going to suck on so many levels.  But I have hung Jared's stocking by his Urn and will probably continue to each year.  I did not do a letter and Christmas cards this year, and not sure I will again.
So I continue to struggle between what I know and what I feel.

Reflections

This past Saturday was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.  As you may know, Jared's Keepers Foundation hosted the one here on St. Croix.  We had over 20 people come out on a very rainy day.  In fact so rainy many roads were flooded.  It was a good day.  Teens and adults shared a special day together.  They learned from one another and grew in their healing process.

Sunday was my (31st birthday again).  I enjoyed it relaxing at home, out to lunch with my hubby overlooking Buck Island, then a few drinks with friends before he took me to the Casino where I won a few dollars.  I shared one special memory with my mom on the phone, it was a few years ago and Mom was watching Jared for us while we had gone on a trip.  We returned on my birthday.  Waiting for us, late at night, was a blond haired blue eyed boy who was so proud he had made me a Red Velvet Birthday Cake with Cream Cheese icing.  Candles and "Happy Birthday Mom" made it complete.

I had the day off yesterday and began to prepare for the upcoming Thanksgiving meal.  I am not sure I am ready for the flood of emotions I am sure will accompany the day.  But I made it through Sunday so I will make it through Thursday too.

I have taken a job 3 days a week but for the next 2 weeks it will be 5 as the owner is off island for some much needed rest and relaxation.  I enjoy the job, it is in a Bridal Boutique and it is also where Jared rented his Tux for prom.  It makes me happy and I see his smiling face everywhere there.

This week is full and I may be dark for a few days.  Thursday is Thanksgiving, Friday kicks off the Carnival Season with Jump Up Celebration, I hope we island hop to St Thomas on Sunday,  then back to work to end on the 6th of Dec so I can entertain my in-laws who are coming to visit for a week.  I am looking forward to them coming.

Zoe is growing and being stinker at times.  But, just lets me know she is normal.

May you have a blessed and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Twas The Night Before International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day

I have reminded myself many times this week that thing will be fine.  I took on a huge task and at times felt overwhelmed.  Today was different.  Throw me a curve ball I dare you....no biggie.  No cooler for deinks? Who cares.  No sandwiches donated...,who cares.  I have learned that things just don't bother me like they once did.  I will duck, jump, roll out of the way, or catch the ball in the gut if need be.
Tomorrow across the World Survivors and Survivors of Loss will gather to heal and support each other.
Speech written, info for film facilitator, check, quilt project, check, Jared's Keepers,check.  Hubby filming,check.  We are good.

Sometimes you must lean on other people for help and yet that can be the hardest thing to do. I look forward to sharing my experiences in a few days.  Tomorrow is the event and Sunday I will be 31 with 11 years experience.

Until we talk again.

Why Are You In My Life

Have you ever asked yourself why someone was in your life?  Be it good or bad, people are in our lives for a reason.  Some to grant us peace when needed.  Some to help us grow in a way that we will need later in life.  Some to entertain us.

I have thought a lot about this subject recently.  I have talked about the dividers we place in our lives.  The divider of before and after graduation, the divider before and after I got married, the divider before and after I had children.  I have the divider, before and after Jared passed.  So I have been thinking about friends I had before and now.  I had friends that were casual friends that have become extremely close.  I have had stranger that are now a deep connection, I had close friends that stepped away and I had family members of Jared's who have completely disappeared.  Before that divider was placed, I might have cared about those who choose to walk away, but in some cases I find it a blessing.  I find it a disappointment for others, and I find it indifferent on others.

I have had many friends of Jared's become friends of mine and likewise become friends with their parents.  Some of these people I lived around for 14 years but we never took the time to get to know each other for one reason or another.  Some close friends of Jared's have stepped away to process their grief in isolation.  Some of my friends have been silent supporters with a hug when needed, be it cyber or in person, and some of my friends have stepped away because of fear of "if it could happen to you then it could happen to me" thoughts.

But I have been blessed with other friendships that have been connections on a much deeper level that was not present before.  Before they were casual friends that I would sit next to at soccer games, or occasionally chat with on Facebook.  They have shared stories and their loss.  It is a sorority of sorts that no one want to belong to.  I have had connections with people who were close or attempted to take their life at one point.

There are those that share their talents with you that you never knew they had.  There are those that run away because they don't want to be asked to help.

We live in a gated neighborhood here and to say we have upscale neighbors would be truthful.  I was befriended by a couple of ladies when I first moved here that have since gone into hiding.  It hurt at first but I was able to talk with one at a gathering on Halloween.  She explained they simply don't know what to say to me.  I told her, I am still the same person they knew before just broken.  I can still talk about things and I am happy to answer questions you may have.  Something else happened that night, our neighbor who was just a wave as we go by type neighbor, has become more.  They gave me a special gift of true friendship.  They don't treat me like I have the plague.  They treat me like a human mother that lost her child.  A hug each time we meet, followed by a heartfelt compliment that leads into a conversation about other aspects of life.

Today I spoke to another mother of loss.  She cried because she found someone else here who understands her pain as a mother.  It is difficult when you feel you have no one that understands near you.  She has been grieving in silence for four years now.  She didn't even know this event existed on Saturday until she saw a flyer at her place of employment.
I then had the pleasure of going to lunch with a young woman who we have had a casual friendship and our conversation turned into realizing we had more of a friendship than once realized.  One of intellectual conversations, laughs, and fun lunches.  I think there will be more to come.

I also have excepted the evil people who are in my life.  They too are there for a reason.  I think one reason is to make me appreciate all the wonderful people I have around me.  I used to feel sorry for some people because of different things, but I don't any longer.  I feel compassion, empathy, and understanding, but not sorry for anyone.  One of the conversations at lunch was we all have a story to tell.  Some people glue the dark pages together so they can't be read and others let those pages work in one of two ways.  Some choose to want exceptions made for them because of the path they have traveled and others let those pages remind them of how strong they really are.

Some of you who read this blog I know and some I do not.  But we have crossed paths for a reason.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

Traditions and Where Is Heaven?

Today I finished an ornament that will go on our tree.  Not a big deal for most people but for me it has been a struggle.  A struggle to think about Christmas, a struggle to continue a tradition I started the year Jared was born, a struggle to find the right thing to make.
The other night I woke at about 1 am just wide awake.  Why?  I soon would know.  I felt something telling me to gather items.  Gather chop sticks, black material, bright paint sticks, but what was I going to do with this stuff?  It then started to become clear.  I was creating a Mocko Jumbie.  I painted the chop sticks with bright green and orange around the bottom.  I then made a pair of shorts out of the black material.  By this time I was starting to see what I was being guided to make.  I wanted to keep working on it but felt like I was being told to return to sleep as I had to work the next day.
The next night I worked more.  I knew I needed a special color for the shirt.  Bright florescent yellow.  But where the heck am I going to get that?  Not like I have a Joann Fabrics I can run to.  Then something told me to look through Jared's clothes.  It was a battle within because I was obviously going to have to cut whatever I found and how in the heck am I going to cut anything that touched his body?  Then it jumped out of the drawer at me.   It was a neon yellow shirt he would wear to practice in and it had forever stains in it.  So it made sense to cut those areas out to create a goalie shirt for my soccer goalie Mocko Jumbie.
I painted a bead to look like a soccer ball and even found weather stripping that was cut to become goalie gloves.  I then created the head but needed something on it.  A voice said to check a flower pot that I had picked up some hair from Jared's last hair cut I gave him and tossed it in the pot.  Ironically, there was a lock still there. So my blond haired Jared Jumbie or Mocko Jared was born.

The Mocko Jumbie comes from African heritage.  It is believed that the Jumbies tower over all the people in the village to be able to see the evil spirits in the village and chase them away so the loving spirits of our loved ones can walk among us.  

Mocko Jumbies appear here in parades and celebrations.  They walk on stilts and tower 12 feet and taller.  In fact it is entertaining when they sit on the roof of a 2 story building to rest during the night. Shortly after we arrived Jared asked how he could learn to be a Jumbie.  I think he would have made a good one. 

This all has had me thinking this week about Heaven.  Where is Heaven?   As a child I grew up believing that Heaven was beyond the clouds, sky, and stars.  Somewhere far away.  But I am learning from Jared that just isn't true.  I am finding Heaven exists here on Earth.  They walk among us but yet in a different realm.  How have I gone all these years and not known that?  I am learning from Jared's visits that our loved ones are walking with us all the time and can transport at anytime to be anywhere they are needed.  They still have a sense of humor and enjoy playing tricks on us to get us to smile.  They love to play with animals and babies because they see them.  

I have been dreading the Holidays and prayed one night that if it was God's will I was ready to go and be with Jared.  Let someone else live and he could have me.  Then I got a visit from Jared.  He shared with me about Heaven and how we are together but I can't touch him right now.  He explained to me I have work to do and there are things I need to be here for that would be shared with me when the time is right.  I asked him about these signs I keep seeing and he just smiled and said, you taught me how to work puzzles mom, keep working.  Really Jared?  Really?  Sigh.  So I will continue to work on the puzzle pieces as he gives them to me.  

So while I want Jared with me physically, he is with me spiritually.  I know this because he has told me and I see Zoe playing with him.  

This week I broke to the point of uncontrollable tears and hurt.  I picked Jared up and rocked him in as I sat in the chair holding his urn.  I felt a cool breeze then I heard him say, now you understand why I chose to be with you.  I love when you rock me, always have loved sitting with you I felt safe.  Of course that brought more tears.  I thought if I would have not listened to what Jared asked me to do, which was against what had been done in all of our families, then I would not have been able to rock him and have that moment.  

Compassion and Drama Identification

Tonight I became upset at a comment left on a post of a former student of mine.  She is really struggling and from what I can gather from other posts she is suffering from an addiction of some kind.  Her comment tonight was how terrible her life is and how she just wants to die but can't get that to happen either.  I quickly responded with how beautiful a person she is and don't give up.  Shortly after someone posted how she should just quit bringing drama on that she continues to bring it into her life.  How dare you person I don't know, tell her that!  Are you perfect?  If she is suffering from an addiction then help her don't kick her while she is down.  How ridiculous.  This post is a cry out for help and all you did was tell her what she didn't need to hear.

I remember as a young girl my grandmother faithfully watched Days of Our Lives.  I didn't know what it was at the time but as I became a teen it is what all the girls watched when they got home since the invention of the VHS recorder.  (dating myself aren't I?)  Anyway, I remember talking with my grandmother one day and she explained to me that the day her house burnt to the ground she never again watched that show.  I asked her why, all the while thinking how silly that was.  She explained to me that she had suffered such drama in her life she no longer needed to watch it on TV.  Still I didn't understand until I went through my separation and divorce from Jared's dad.  NOW I UNDERSTAND.  That is when I no longer watched that show ever again.  I had enough drama in my life I certainly didn't need to watch anymore.

I again experience this.  I enjoyed 20/20 mystery and Dateline mystery shows.  I don't any longer.  In fact it goes far beyond just that.  I can't even make myself watch any show with violence.  I have tried.  I just find myself turning away or changing channels.  This is frustrating on one level because I used to enjoy some of these very shows with Jared and Rich.  Shows like 24 or Hell On Wheels.  I just can't stomach them.  My anxiety level skyrockets and I begin to get physically ill.

Today I realized that there are a lot of these shows on.  I almost feel like the only thing I can watch is Nickelodeon....lol, but I fear Batman may be too much.  I find this on Facebook too.  People are mean!  Not a big Taylor fan but Why You Gotta Be So Mean?

I read an article today on the 5 kinds of friends we have during grief.  One was the vanishing friend.  The ones that just disappear because they don't know how to process our grief and we no longer fit into their life.  I think in my young friends life I would hope this "mean" girl becomes one of those disappearing friends.  Trust me "mean" girl we can beat the hell out of ourselves we certainly don't need any help with that.  We need help picking ourselves up and having someone there to catch us when we stumble or fall.  We don't need someone to shove us down a flight of stairs.

What I am saying is not only grief related it is life related.  In life we need to learn to identify the drama and those who weigh us down with it.  Stop focusing on the little things and making big thing out of them.  Surround ourselves with love, spirituality, and kind people.  Remember that it could be you that saves a life without knowing it.  It could be you simply saying Good Morning to a stranger passing you in the post office that is on their way to end their life and a kind word changes their outlook on life.  It could be a phone call or a text message to just say Hey thinking of you, how are you?

Life is short, love each other.....remember what we learned from Thumper as children, if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothin at all.

Moving Forward Without Control

This week I started a part time job that I dearly love.  I takes me to a happy place when I am there.  I have also been busy organizing two Survivors of Suicide Loss Days and loving on my husband and Zoe as much as possible.  I have really been feeling like I am moving forward but once in a while it hits me like a brick wall at 180 miles an hour.   ANGER, RAGE, HEARTBREAK, HURT, REGRET, HELPLESSNESS, FRUSTRATION, DISAPPOINTMENT, LONELINESS, GUILT,  LOVE, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, and many many other emotions that I am not sure if they have a name.  I wish so many things right now. Mostly, I wish the holidays were not coming, but this year they are coming faster than I have ever felt them before.  I feel like I am on a huge downhill ice covered road with deep ditches on both sides and an unknown at the bottom or if there IS a bottom.  I am just trying to keep it on the road and out of the ditch.
How do you tell yourself to quit listening to part of what is going on inside but TO listen to other parts?  I am leaning heavy on my faith and my belief in Angels walking among us.  I am also confused right now.  If you have followed me you know I have a strong connection with Jared through birds.  Lately, when I feel him the strongest there are 3 birds.  I figure, no I know one is him, one I assume is Poco, and I am baffled on who the third might be.  I have ideas and feelings but why?  One thing is Jared was a social butterfly so he was always with people, usually girls.  So am I completely wrong?  Is it not Poco but girls?  LOL  I won't know for sure for years, but I know they watch me often.

I wonder at times will this world ever get it?  How can we have such double standards in this place?  How is it compassion pours for a woman who commits medically assisted suicide but not those who do it on their own?  How is it one is ok and the other is thought to be "giving up" on life?  Why can't people educate themselves?  Why is it that elected officials flippantly joke that reporters that have been following his campaign need to be put on suicide watch?  WTH?  Have you EVER been on suicide watch?  I have and it sucks!  Sitting in a chair all night in the most uncomfortable position you can find so not to fall asleep so you don't lose your child.  Yes it sucks big time.   Have you ever followed your child around virtually to make sure they were moving and not stopped somewhere for too long?  I have.  Have you ever stalked their social media so you could try to pick up on little signs?  I have.  So how dare you ignorant people say that my son, and others like him, are giving up on life and are different than the woman who was told she would die in a few months?  Doctors make mistakes maybe she would have had a miracle?  Maybe they were wrong.  But it is ok for her but not my son?  BULLSHIT.  He hurt too.  A pain you will never understand, I hope.  A pain I tried desperately to take away from him.  BUT I FAILED and now I live with that each day and night.

Here is what I have learned.  We, ALL OF US, have got to drop the BS and band together to help those who need the support for mental and emotional struggles.  I am not saying I don't have compassion or that I do or don't support assisted suicide, what I AM saying is suicide is suicide is suicide.

People hurt and don't want those they love the most to suffer.  THAT is what it is about.  Still we try to justify or worse yet dismiss the suicide as "drug overdose" or they were a "junkie" or "addict".  Really people?  Why do people turn to drugs and alcohol in such strong force that they become an addict?  PAIN   They are suffering a pain of some sort.

I watch the work young adults are doing to help get the message out to kids and adults alike to stay with us we need you....YOU ARE A KEEPER.  Sometimes, my sweet girl in Tennessee gets frustrated but I try to reassure her she is making a difference.  Other times, I am down and she seems to sense it and message me when I need it the most.

This build up in emotions prompted me this week to begin work on a book.  Many people asked me in the first month following Jared's passing to write a book and help others.  I felt this week it was time to begin that journey.  When completed I will make the decision on if I should try to get it published but, one step at a time.

Sorry for the rant tonight but I feel better having gotten that off my mind.

Where Am I Today?

I had to take Zoe to the Vet today for a regular puppy shot and the Vet asked me how I was doing.  We talked a little and she knows the whole story.  She was the one who put Poco to sleep just days after Jared took his life.  She is kind to all but I think she has additional kindness for me.  She said she is beginning to see life back in my eyes and especially when I look at Zoe.

This really made me think about things on my drive home from her office.  I have said since my divorce there is one person in your life you must admit everything to and be 100% real with.....yourself.  I tell everyone who asks, I am getting a little stronger everyday.  That is true, but I have days that feel like it did just "that" day.  I have moments and afternoons, and mornings that can be that same way.  I see Jared everywhere, in things I do, places I go, and around the house.  I catch glimpses, hear his voice, and catch his scent.  Seem crazy?

I still have trouble remembering things, like why did I just walk into this room.  That look I get from Rich when I have returned from the kitchen without tea....ummm dear did you forget me tea?  Guess so.  My attention span is short.  Beauty in nature catches my eye a lot easier, and Zoe is a priority.  Spending time with people has also become important to me.  I really enjoy just being around people even if I am not talking to them.  Sometime I find myself just enjoying them enjoying life.

I enjoy talking with Jared a lot.  He still appears to me often.  He still visits and plays with Zoe.  He is very much guiding me with the foundation and telling me what I need to be doing.

Life can throw you curve balls you never dream of.  I have found it so important not to dwell on what I don't have but what I do have.  Even Jared.  What I don't have is him physically.  What I do have is him spiritually and in a few years (speaking in eternity form) I will be with him for eternity.  Isn't that a great thought?  FOR EVER!  Beyond all fathomable numbers.....as Buzz Lightyear would say....to Infinity and Beyond.

I read an article today from a woman who lost her husband to suicide years ago and the 2 things she did not do at the time that changed the course of her grief path.  1 she refused guilt.  I did that too. I agree with her article, we don't need to feel guilty we did everything we could do to help our loved one.  I know that Jared would not want me to feel guilty.  We actually talked about several months ago after he attempted suicide.  He opened up to me about a great deal of what he was feeling inside and why he wanted to do it.  I worked until the end to change his mind on why staying was a better choice.
2 she refuses to ask why.  Well I didn't refuse, I pretty much knew why but found out much more later.  But she learned this in a class as she and her husband were going through a divorce and just as in divorce, you will never really get a clear cut answer on why.

I have gotten to the point today where I can be support for others.  I can support myself, most of the time.  I find happiness in life.  But not going to lie.....I would just be fine without the holidays ahead.  Zoe will be traveling with me and I will enjoy watching her experience so much from airplane rides to Christmas lights and possibly snow.

Anniversary

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of arriving on island.  I didn't realize it until mid afternoon.  We had relaxed in the morning and took Zoe our new fur-baby a long haired Chihuahua to the beach for the first time.  When we got home I was uploading the pictures to Facebook and up popped a picture that said One Year Ago.  It was a picture of Jared holding Poco in the Nashville airport as they were people watching.  That was Poco's first plane ride.  Then it hit me...hard, it was about that exact time that we landed on island.  Both of us full of excitement and yet tired from early morning to the airport with little sleep during the night and travel all day fatigue.  So what do I do .... CRY.

How is it that just one year ago 3 of us boarded a plane and now just I am here.  Why is that?  Why couldn't they still be here with me?  It isn't fair!  But I have always been told Life is NOT fair.  I am so torn everyday inside.  I believe in God and I know he is the only one keeping me moving forward in faith and knowing that I will be eternally with Jared in the future.  BUT WHY?  Together Jared and I had survived so much.  Together we had come so far.  Why not tell him in that moment he must stay and work with me to stop others?

We finished out the day together with smoked pork loin, one of Jared's favorite and a favorite among the family, with mashed potatoes and peas.  Watched our normal Sunday night TV and retired.  Being mentally and emotionally drained it was a quick drift to slumber land.  Oh how I wish Jared would have been with me yesterday.  He would so enjoy Zoe and he she would love him.  Although I know he is present and she can see him.  I know because she is playing with someone that I can't see and she is doing the exact same things Poco did with Jared when they played.  It warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.

Rich and I are doing well.  We continue to try to get out on a regular basis and enjoy life.  We are looking forward to upcoming visits to the states and those of family and friends here.  We are looking ahead to the busy season picking up because that means restaurants will open back up, Jump Ups, Boat Parades, and Carnival.  It will all be coming on.

I know I will struggle through this Holiday Season but I will also insure that Jared is still a part of it.  Happy tears and sad ones I know will be shed.  

I know this post is all over the place but I decided to leave it that way so you can understand how my brain works these days.  ADD would not even begin to describe it.  It is scattered, incoherent at times, and down right forgetful.  I write notes and hope I remember the notes or I am SOL.  I drive Rich and myself crazy at times because I forget to fill a glass with tea that I went to the kitchen for.  Or go to fold laundry and forget to go the laundry room before I get there.  It is terrible.  I know with each day it gets better but heck about the time it rebounds I will then start forgetting because of old age.

I am asked by many if I regret anything.  Hell yes!  Then I let it go.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't have regrets but at the end of each day I have none.  Why?  Because, if Jared would have said he didn't want to move here, I wouldn't have agreed.  If Jared did not like it here, he wouldn't have been here.  So while I have those moments of "I should have never gotten on the plane a year ago" moments, that is exactly what they are.....moments.  Because I am quickly filled with other feelings and knowledge that says different.

I pray each day we can stop suicide.  I know that is a long battle to win the war on.  But I feel it will be worth it.  I must try.

Kelsey is still going strong in Kingston Springs and she is moving mountains there!  In addition to all she has done she is organizing Red Night at the last home football game.  She is organizing the Nashville International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.  She is organizing the Spring Campus Walk to stop suicide.  And oh yes, she got the Keepers Club up and running at HHS and they have their first meeting today.  What can't this girl do?  I don't know but she keeps me motivated.  She gives me strength to fight this fight.  Jared has brought many friendships together over the years and in his passing but I have to say this friendship he brought together between Kelsey and I and her family is so special.

I encourage you to find an event near you for November 22.  You can find that http://www.survivorday.org/
Nashville and St. Croix should be listed soon.

Hope and Healing

November 22nd is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.  We are hosting an event in Nashville, TN and here on St. Croix.  There is a lot of planning and a lot of things to do for it.  It is overwhelming at times.  Yesterday I was just about ready, no I did give up.  I hung my head in prayer and said Lord and Jared I need your help.  I am doing as you want and as you are guiding me, but I need some help.  I need a location for these events and I need donations to fund it.  Within minutes an email popped in that we can us Lipscomb University in Nashville and a few minutes later we had our first donation from a source I had not even thought of.  By the end of the afternoon I was thanking them both endlessly.  Here I am again this morning, stressed and asking them for direction and assistance.  I am taking a break from all the planning and frustration to just have some me time.
This event is about hope and healing for those who suffer from loss of a loved one.  I wonder if I had one hour with Jared what would I do?  Would I just hug him and never stop, would I cry?  Maybe I would just stare at his handsome face.  I don't know.  I do wish I had that opportunity to find out what I would do.
For me, and so many others, we are headed into the holidays without our loved one.  It SUCKS!  Jared loved the fall, back to school with friends, Halloween, Thanksgiving, My Birthday, Christmas, New Years....all of them.  He loved football season and supporting all the sports teams.  He loved just being with friends.  I feel him so strongly around me and I see it in Zoe when he is present.  He plays with her and she looks intently at something and I can't see him.  Just like babies, animals see spirits.  Why can't we as adults?
I hope that you will find an event near you and attend.  It is a day of awareness and maybe, just maybe, we can stop others from having this pain.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Reflections During a Hurricane

I have spent much time lately reflecting on my life with Jared.  I knew I loved him and that we were very close but it isn't until you reflect on life that you realize exactly how close you were.  I want to share something that has been happening that has invoked much reflection.
I have been noticing Zoe playing, at first what seemed by herself, but with someone who wasn't there.  I mean she is waving her paws in the air at someone as she is on her back.  She is talking and tilting her head in complete interest.  She exhibits this when she is in play with me too.  It wasn't until Saturday that it was "in my face" what I believe is happening.  Saturday I had the very tall egret return to the house.  Remember the egret from right after Jared passed?  Zoe was outside to go potty and the Egret came to her and she to him.  They weren't frightened by one another but rather intrigued and almost engaged in conversation.  They both made gentle noises and stared at one another and bobbed heads and had this amazing exchange of information.  I watched as tears fell down my cheeks.  I was trying to keep them wiped away so I could take it all in and not miss a moment.  I gently said, Jared?   The Egret looked up and shook his head yes.  Then it was back to Zoe with all his attention.  I wish I could have understood what was being communicated.  They both finished and the Egret disappeared behind the dirt pile and Zoe off to do business.  I couldn't help but just drench myself in tears.  Is it possible?  Could it be?  When I returned into the house I gave Zoe her piece of cheese as a reward for outside potty.  Then went to the stove to make tea....there next to the other white feather from the last time that same Egret visited was another on the screen.  I can't help but believe it was Jared visiting Zoe.  Was he just checking her out?  Was he instructing her in something?
Another unusual occurrence is the night Zoe came home 2 cats have appeared at the house.  They jumped up on the balcony which is an adventure for them.  They are young adults.  One black cat and one pure white cat.  They startled me when I first saw them.  They both were laying outside the living room sliding screen door on the mat gazing in at Zoe.  I chased them off as we do any cat because of the number of fleas and such the strays carry.  But these two were different.  I had never seen them.  They spent the night on the balcony and I saw them again the next day.  The day after Rich came home and I was telling him about the cats.  Well, we haven't seen those cats again....until today.  Today after I dropped Rich at the airport, I was meeting with a young lady here to organize the November 22 event on island and who is at the door?  The white cat.
Another odd thing has been happening, LIZARDS.....all over inside this house.  Baby ones.  According to native Crucians, baby lizards means there is a baby on the way.  I have seen no less than 12 in this house in the last week.  Which continues to confirm my feelings of a baby girl.  I don't know what that means....but all I know is a baby girl is on the way.
All of these signs happen and I am taking them in and processing and reflecting.  I saw a piece on TV the other night that talked about scientific proof that spirits, Angels, ghosts, whatever you want to call them, walk among us.  So I researched more about it.  Feathers are a big sign from Angels.  Coins, songs, and many other signs have been linked our loved ones visiting us.
I have reflected on Jared a lot today.  I have talked to him telling him how much I wish he were here with me for this storm.  I know he would be totally in awe of Zoe and she would have him wrapped around her paw.  I have asked Jared to watch over us and keep us safe as we wait for this hurricane to hit us tonight.  I also try to continue to heal.  That is the hardest part.  I really want to curl up and cry uncontrollably and endlessly, cry.  I don't want to get up until the Lord takes me to be with Jared again.  Then with a warm feeling, Mom I need you to stop this and make a difference.  I have given you a job and I need you to do it.  At time I then go through moments of anger with him.  Why the hell didn't you stay and team with me to get this message out? Then he says, I am here with you.  You just don't see me but I touch you and you know I do.  YES, I know you touch me.  This weekend I realized something amazing.  My hurt is temporary.  It will go away the day I go to Heaven and unite with Jared again.  Then we will be together eternally.  How amazing is that?  Eternally!  ForEVER AND EVER!  That is such a warm feeling.  When you look at life that way, I may be on earth another 40-50 years but I will be in Heaven with my loved ones a million times that long.
So while I am here, I will do what I am guided to do by God and Jared, raise Zoe to be a precious sweet girl, and take care of my husband.

20 Years

I was busy working this morning on sending emails and request letters out to plan not 1 but 2 AFSP World Survivors of Suicide Loss Days, one in Nashville and one in St Croix on November 22.  Time is quickly shrinking and things must get going!  I looked at the date on the bottom of my computer screen and stopped all movement for what seemed like an eternity.  10/8/14.  I was immediately taken back to Saturday, October 8, 1994 the day I married Jared's Dad.  It was almost like in the movies where you feel like you are being time warped backwards.  Things flashed so fast through my head I was dizzy.  Moving from Tennessee to St. Croix, years and visits he made to see Jared in Tennessee and watching him play basketball and soccer, exchange visits in Marion, pulling up in Illinois to drop him off at meeting points, his funeral, Us moving to our house we shared across from the church we married in, bringing Jared home, working in the yard, moving into our first house and our wedding day.  I am sure it wasn't more that a minute in time but it was a flood of memories.  Why?  The ironic thing was it was all happy memories of Dan.  Not a single sad or bad memory.  Message from above?  I don't know.  Lord knows I had a truck load of bad memories that could have come to me.  I guess it was just a moment that was to remind me that time goes by so quickly that I need to enjoy and hang on the good and let all the bad drift away from my memory.

I have had a lot of emotions in the last couple of weeks.  Some days I just collapse in tears while others my tears remain to fall only on the inside.  I am glad we can organize these events on November 22.  I guess it is kind of a gift I am giving myself for my birthday.  A day of Hope and Healing.  Maybe it is Jared's gift to me.  Whatever it is, it will be a great one.

I am trying to create a birthday/ Christmas list for the family this year and all I can do is cry.  Seems silly but that is what is happening.  So I am taking a break from that to cry while typing this.

I certainly would not trade my life with Rich at all, but I would give everything I have and I am to have Jared back.  My peace with that is that I will one day be with him eternally and right now he and his dad are spending some time together that each desperately wanted but most often was denied here on earth.

Reflections on Suicide Prevention Month

It has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged because many wonderful things have been taking place.  When I returned from Nashville where we did the Out of the Darkness Walk for Jared, I have been preparing for my talk at Good Hope Country Day School here, preparing to bring our furbaby home, and taking care of all the administrative things that come along with filing appropriate documents to finalize the 501c3 packet.

I have reflected a lot during September on life with Jared.  I began with preparing for Suicide Prevention week with Kelsey and helping to get items ordered and delivered in time for her to spread the message to the students at HHS.  I then had to pack and fly on World Suicide Prevention Day which ironically was the 4th anniversary of Jared's Dad's suicide.  I finished that week with friends of Jared's surrounding me with love.  I celebrated HHS Homecoming and watched tearfully as the Senior Float went by with Jared's name on it.  I finished out that week walking with the largest team who raised the most money and recognizing a beautiful young lady who is well on her way to becoming one amazing woman.  I am proud she has agreed to work with me hand in hand and side by side to stop suicide.  We all gathered up the next day and headed off to St. Louis where we were acknowledged on the score board numerous times with Jared's Keepers and an in memory of Jared Martin.  It was extra special as I wore his Molina jersey to the stadium.

As I flew back I wore my Out Of The Darkness t-shirt and my Jared's Keepers ribbon along with my stop suicide bracelet next to my Jared Michael Martin bracelet.  I was asked about them and passed out cards and spread the word throughout my travels of Jared and how we are trying to stop the stigma and suicide.  Many kind souls crossed my path that day.

When I arrived home, I had hugs waiting for me from my hubby.  Wow how I had missed those.  He had followed everything through Facebook and text messages.  We talked and caught up on our week and shared tears as well.

Rich had to then take off for work and I had to talk to the kids at Good Hope.  It was sponsored by SADD and they did a fantastic job.  I followed the counselor who spoke about suicide myths and facts so the students were prepared.  As I watched them throughout her talk I noticed some dazing off and some dozing off.  So I was preparing myself for what was to come.  When I took the stage, I felt a hug.  I felt a whisper in the ear to say tell them mom, tell them not to do what I did.  So I spoke, no notes, just spoke from the heart.  As I began the SADD members helped me out and each minute one came up and stood in front of the stage.  About 15 minutes in I stopped because by this time the students were picking up on them standing.  So I began to ask them why those kids were there.  Mouths dropped by students and teachers as I began to give them statistics.

1 suicide every minute somewhere in the World = each student represented this
1 represented a Soldier or Veteran who took their life = 1 each hour
1 represented a teen (15-24)
1 represented a medical professional (Dr, Nurse, EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, Police)

I then asked them if there was anyone in that Pavilion I had not touched with those statistics.  Is there anyone here who isn't related to or plan on becoming one of those professionals?
No one raised their hands.

I also noticed tears from some flowing,  But I noticed not a single person was zoned out or dozed off.

I finished the talk and told my story of being Jared's Mom and creating the foundation and how I had been coping since June.  I was greeted with hugs....Oh how I love hugs.
The assembly finished with the students adding new links to the Chain of Life.  What a great idea!  It is a chain that hangs in the library with each student and teachers name on it.  They talk about how that chain and the links in it represent them.  If one link breaks it can be repaired but the chain is never the same.  Each link has each students name and a message they wrote to themselves.  What a great idea for everyone to implement.

I then left to go visit our new furbaby as she was just waking from her surgery where she got her tubes tied and her ID chip implanted.  It was a surreal hour to hold a precious gift from God.  I then returned home to prepare to get her the next morning.....first thing.

Little Miss Zoe came home the next morning and she and I had a couple of days to ourselves that allowed her to get to know the house and me.  She was quiet and timid but not anymore.  She bounces around with energy bursts.  She gets to running so fast that she slides on the marble floors and whips her hind end around to get ready to take off again.  What fun she is bringing to the once quiet house.

I was asked to return back out to GHCDS on Friday afternoon where the students planted a tree above the soccer field overlooking the goal in memory of Jared.  They chose a Clusia Rosea or Autograph Tree.  It is named that because you can write on the leaves and it stays forever!  The tree rarely looses leaves and especially in this climate.  So I began and wrote....I will love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I am living, My baby you will be.  Love Mom.    Everyone else followed, including teachers.  It was so emotional.

I have had 3 encouters with Jared this month.  The first was when Kelsey and I had dinner in Nashville and our waiter was Jared.  Our Jared told Kelsey many times how he couldn't wait for us to meet and how I would like her.....he was right.  The next was as I walked to the pavilion to talk at GHCDS and a young bouncy boy came running in front of me....none other than Jared.  And yesterday at the store that brought tears to my eyes in the store as a water toy had a picture of what could have been him on it.  It was unbelievable.  He is here with me every day.

I hope to blog more regularly but I must focus on the Foundation and things are happening quickly.  I do hope that you all will find a World Survivor Walk on November 22 to be a part of.  It is not just suicide.  Participate, and be kind to each other.

I close with a request for prayers for those who struggle each day with depression and suicidal thoughts, prayers for those left behind who struggle each day with a piece of their heart gone, and prayers for humanity.

Jared's Signature from Freshman year that has been used on every float for the class of 2015.  Left side of 2

Fly High Jared

Photo before we lead the Nashville Out of the Darkness Walk

More of our group as we finished the walk

Coming to the finish line 2.2 miles

St. Louis Cardinal Game

My HS Band Director Paula and me.  She coordinated the Cardinal Game Tickets and Board.

The Autograph Tree above the GHCDS Soccer Field

Zoe and me

Zoe

Jared?

Back Home

I arrived back home yesterday afternoon.   It was a bit emotional for me but life must go on.  It was hard leaving Kingston Springs in one way, but in others it was easy.  I did hold it together but it wasn't easy, as we headed to the airport early in the morning for the first flight out, the same that Jared and Poco and I left on a nearly a year ago to begin our new life.  I got to spend time with old friends, new friends, and relationships brought together by Jared.  I wish he had chosen a different alternative, but he accomplished one of his goals and that was to bring people together for a great cause.  That cause is suicide prevention and he brought a special gift to my life.  A young lady he called his bestie has now become my right hand in this crusade.  In fact all credit must be given to her for me not to be curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom right now.  Her drive and ambition reminds me of someone years ago....me.  Maybe that is why Jared was so fond of her.
I saw hurt in so many eyes this past week.  Young adults that knew nothing to say but greeted me with a hug.  Some greeted me with tears of pain.  I told them all that tears are fine as long as there are some happy ones there too.
I had dinner my last night there with our former neighbors. It was extremely emotional for me.  That is where Jared and I had our last dinner before leaving to move.  It was so warm yet hard.  Our neighbor and Jared were so very close.  He had raised girls so I think he really enjoyed Jared to have some guy time.  We cried together and shared stories and just enjoyed one another.
It was empowering to travel alone and when I arrived back here I think I am a new person.  I think I am much stronger and much more driven.
Rich informed me that he will be traveling quite a bit in the next few weeks for work and next week our sweet fur-baby Zoe comes home so she and I will get lots of cuddle time.
I talked to Jared today and told him how I really felt him near me last week and it was as if he were next to me when I heard him say, "I am always near you".
I really wish I has my baby back on earth with me.  But I see his beautiful eyes and sweet smile everywhere!
I have yet to break down from traveling but it will happen.  For now....I must focus on the week ahead.

Being Jared's Mom Still

I landed in Nashville around 11pm central time on Wednesday.  This was the 4th anniversary of Dan's suicide.  I had an experience on my flight from Miami to Nashville that was amazing.  See I have let Jared sit next to the window so he could see out for his entire life.  I was usually in the middle.  For reasons unknown but welcomed, our plane was relatively empty.  In fact most of us had an entire row to ourselves.  So shortly after take off.....slide over to the window and stretched my feet out on the other two seats and began to read.  For whatever reason, my mind began to drift from what I was reading into memories of traveling with Jared.  Then I felt a weight lean against my arm and on my shoulder....the same weight I would feel as he would fall asleep and lean on me during flight.  I could feel him with me.  I talked to him and before long we were laughing and he said look at this mom..... The next thing I knew I was sharing a familiar game with him we had played throughout his life....what does that cloud look like....except it was the lights below.  We saw anchors, octopus, pirate ships, stars, horse, and much, much more.  Before I knew it the they are preparing to land in Nashville.  I heard him say to me...I must go for a while but enjoy for me.  WOW what he had in store for me.  I thought I was the one who was going to give the surprises.
Thursday Melanie and I got up and began running like a couple of teenage girls who just got their drivers license.  We stopped by the high school so I could talk with the principal.  I wanted to talk to him and thank him personally for being supportive of Kelsey.  I shared surprises that were about to take place with him and he was impressed and became a bigger supporter of the cause.  After tears and hugs with two of the kids who saw me in the office we were off and running.  Shopping for the new Fur Baby coming home mostly and some shopping she needed to do as well.  We had lunch together and then a stealth like arrival at the girls soccer game.  I left the stands during the first half to talk to some friends running the score board.  Half-time!  Here comes the girls to the goal near us.  Double looks shot my way and then tears began to fall......not mine.....theirs.  I feared I had just messed with their game but I had no idea what was to come.  The second half was AWESOME.  Those girls played so hard.  They won 3-2 over a team who did not make it easy.  In fact they tried every dirty, but legal, tactic to keep them from the win.  After the game and the coaches talk, here they came one by one.  Each the same, tears, hugs, apology for being stinky and sweaty, and I Love You Miss Debbie's.....can't get enough of those (even the stinky sweaty hugs).  After the game I kept hearing the parents say that was the best they have played all year.  Well, they had an Angel coaching them from above.  As I cuddled under the covers I began to get messages from the girls.  Many said they were sorry they didn't talk more but they didn't want to cry in front of me and upset me.  2 girls said they played so hard the second half for me and for Jared.  While that is sweet, it clearly was more for Jared, I was just a physical reminder of the determination he kept reminding them of.  Jared had served as their assistant in Middle School and was always there to help train their keeper.
We made our way from the field out to the senior float building location.  While I was invited out to surprise the class, I was the one surprised.  I had gotten a couple of text messages while sitting in the Miami airport of the "senior" sign on the float.  They had included Jared with "fly high Jared" written in balloon letters.  So there I am looking at this amazing float they had built and with a deep breath to the back I went with a friend who didn't realize they had done that.  While looking at another sign that said 2015 I saw a student that left to do online schooling.  I said, "Oh I didn't know he was back this year".  Lisa said, "he isn't this is from their Freshman year they keep reusing it."  I am sure my face was the look of shock.  What?!  Sure enough....there he was.  His signature right there.  Tears fell and I couldn't stop them.  I spent some time talking with the kids and we all headed home to get some rest.
Friday was Homecoming.  Again we were off and running to prepare items that we needed to get for the kids.  More shopping for Zoe the new Fur-Baby.  Then it is time for the parade.  I did well until....yes....the senior float came down the road.  The theme was Greek Gods and the Seniors got Hades.  The back float with flames surrounding it and a moving devil with evil black creatures with lit up red eyes came out of hell to deliver a defeat to the other team.  Smoke from hell poured off the float and then.....the back.  I could hear...that is pretty fricken cool mom.  I closed my eyes and said it sure is Jared.  This class worked hard each year and every year had been disqualified.  Last year Jared was so upset over the call...this year.....that kid was not going to let it even be a close call.  An Angel from above helped insure a win for the class....his class.  Well that was sealed when they float won.  I was so proud of the kids.
I met up with Kelsey, who I had tried to stay away from because I had a surprise for her that was getting harder and harder to keep.  I didn't want to spoil it but IT WAS HARD!  Little did we realize she was sitting 3 rows behind us.  LOL  Kelsey came down and we hugged and began to talk.  She was upset because they had announced that it was child cancer awareness month and she said they should announce it is suicide prevention month too.  Sitting in front of us was the guidance counselor and she turned to Kelsey and said, go tell them.  They will announce it.  After some support and encouragement, she marched up there and let them know it.  A friend who lost her husband, a former soccer coach to Jared, to suicide a little more than a year ago, had come to hug me and talk for a moment and then the announcement came.  Well it was a little more than what I expected.  She had also told them that I was there and for people to stop and say hello to me.  I hugged many friends and parents.  Some people said I thought that was you....LOL.  After shared tears between my survivor friend and I  we continued to watch the game.
During the second half I ended up down by the float, can't remember why now, but then some other parents said well this panel is their Junior year on the other side.  Sure enough the men took it off and there it was....his signature just before we moved to St. Croix.  Parents promised that none of them would be destroyed and one they would each be hung up in barns of parents.  The game ended and we all headed to get some rest because tomorrow we would be a big day.
It is WALK DAY.  It was a drizzly day and like other days I gave him orders for him and the other Angels were to help stop the rain and give good conditions for the walk.  It was beautiful.  Photos were placed on the wall that we brought.  I wrote a message to him and Dan on the wall.  Then off to the registration desk to check in.  The whirlwind then began.  We got beads that were color coded with significance by those who were lost.  I wore Blue for supporter/survivor, White for loss of child, Red for loss of spouse/partner (ex), and purple for loss of friend.  It was then that I realized this is too Damn many lost.  We then continued on and looked at silent auction items and came to the tree....a beautiful large canvas that was a leafless tree that we added leaves to.  We wrote messages on leaves and they hot glued them to the tree.  I wrote to Dan and Jared....together a father and son in Heaven.
It is now time for the surprises....I was asked to give my story...well that is what Kelsey thought.  While my story is very much her story too.  See my story began with June 14th turning from a day of tragedy into a day that a friendship was developing between two women that Jared wanted to meet but hadn't yet had the opportunity to do so.  I told of how we had three services in three geographical areas.  I told of how a young lady had sold bracelets, organized a soccer game and then one night within a couple of days of me returning to St. Croix had created a team to walk in Nashville.  After thorough research of the charity I gave permission to move forward with Jared's Keepers.  I told of her tenacity and "won't take no" attitude.  I told of how she, single handedly, has been able to tear down barriers and will now get the More Than Sad program in to HHS.  I told of how she handed out ribbons and cards with life savors on them for prevention week.  And then.....I asked her to join me on stage.  I told how out of the name of our team and Kelsey's determination to help stop suicide, a Foundation was formed.  It was only natural to call it the same.  And foundations have officers and that I felt she needed to be a significant part of that foundation and with the blessing of her parents she was being named as the Director of Student Outreach for Jared's Keepers Foundation.  She was shocked.  With nearly 60 walkers present we were asked to lead the walk and we gladly accepted.  The ceremony continued and we blew bubbles as they played music.  I cried but managed to hold it together.  They then had a prayer and the female minister began by acknowledging me as a strong woman she admired because she lost her son 13 years ago and it is still very raw.  That is when I lost it.  Melanie reached out and held me and another sweet friend was touching my shoulder.  I heard Jared say to me, Mom you deserve for the world to know how good you have always been to me.  I love you.  Well I lost it worse.  Pull it together was the only thing I could think of.  It is time to walk.  We quickly posed for a photo with our group and then we took off.  2.2 miles later after enjoying the peaceful sounds of Historic Music Row, we headed down for pizza and fellowship.
I visited with friends who made the day special for me.  I had a high school classmate and his wife drive 6 hours to walk with us.  I enjoyed catching up with them.
After the events we came back and a quick nap was had by all.  Then it was off for a little shopping Mel had to get done.  Back to the house and ready for a trip to St. Louis to watch the Cardinal game.
Early Sunday we were all up and running.  7 of us drove from Tennessee to St. Louis.  We met up with a childhood friend who lives in St. Louis and my high school band director and the school librarian met us there.  My former band director had been the one that coordinated the tickets.  I knew she asked for them to recognize us on the score board but a "in memory of Jared Martin" appeared and then we had a "Cardinals Welcomes Jared's Keepers" not just once.....MANY times!  It was amazing and to watch Kelsey light up was all worth it.  The kids got to go to the Arch and get pictures.
This has been such a healing trip for me.  I feel close to Jared and I know he is here with these kids.  I wish I could see his beautiful face and hear his laugh in real life but I hear it in spirit all the time.  Life has much more in store for me and I know Jared has much more for me to accomplish before I go to heaven.  But I do hope that he will visit one day soon and tell me all about it and what it looks like and what all he has been doing.....like he always did.

Tomorrow I Fly

Tomorrow, World Suicide Prevention Day, I fly to Nashville, TN to begin my jammed pack time with friends.  I will be attending an event for the Music City American Foundation for Suicide Prevention on Thursday evening, Friday I will celebrate Homecoming with Harpeth High School, Saturday WE WALK, and Sunday we celebrate the St. Louis Cardinals at Bush Stadium.  Who knows what Mon-Wed will have in store yet.  Thursday I will return home, where I begin to prepare for Jared's High School here on island to recognize Suicide Prevention Week.  I am not sure what all I will be doing yet but I will be involved.

This will be the first time I have not flown with Jared in years.  Even for his services in June/July he was physically with us.  Now tomorrow, I am solo.  I can't say alone because that simply isn't true.  It is solo.  Yet, I am OK with that.  Not sure why but I am.  Maybe because he will be there with  me.  He is working miracles every day.  I have seen 30 new likes on our Facebook page today, and increase in following on Instagram and Twitter today.  Donations of almost $500 today alone came into the AFSP site, and and increase in people signing up to walk with us.  I know that things will be emotionally healing for me when I am in Tennessee.

I have had a headache all day, I put it off to mowing the yard and just having allergies....but that isn't it.  Today I didn't talk to Jared while mowing, I was focused on mental checklists for traveling.  I probably need to have an all out break down cry fest and release pressure.  But, it will come when it is supposed to.

The last time I flew solo was in 1988 from St. Louis to Sydney, Australia.  I had the honor of performing in the Opening Ceremony of the World's Fair.  It also was my Freshman year of college and an empowering experience.  I didn't know anyone who would be traveling so, make new friends it is.  While those friendships have faded...probably because we didn't have Facebook then, the experiences have not.  We all grew up, went to college, and began families/lives outside of high school.  

Well tomorrow I feel much of that will happen again.  I will have life experiences.  I will see many seniors I have watched grow since they were 3 years old, and at the end of the year they too will travel off to college, military or other and I may or may not be able to keep up with them.  I will watch them begin families and some raise children they have already had, and think....what if?  But all the while I will be happy for them.  Praying for them to have all the best life could possibly give to them.

I often told Jared that if he wasn't really sure what he wanted to do he should get a job on a cruise ship.  He loved to cruise, travel the World, and get paid at the same time.  I would tell any young person the same.  Get out experience life....then settle down.  There is plenty of time for life to happen.

I hope you all take a moment tomorrow to light a candle or remember someone you have lost to suicide.  If you struggle yourself, remember to ask for help and YOU ARE A KEEPER!

Bilblical Revelation

Remember when you were a child, if you can't think of a small child you know, think of how innocent you were.  How whatever you were told was truth.  Remember that?  I do.  See when I was a child my father was Catholic.  Not a practicing Catholic, except when it suited him, but Catholic nonetheless.  My mother was raised Baptist.  As a young child I remember spending the night with my grandparents and going to church but not having any church clothes so Grandma took the Raggedy Ann dress off the doll and put me in it....tell you how small I was?  I remember hiding under the pew the back row near the isle where they always sat.  That was fine until it was time for Children's Service where we all had to go to the front pew and sit.  I was humiliated!  But I survived....I survived.  Well I was told that God didn't care what we wore to church as long as we listened
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When I was in Junior High my Grandfather had a stroke.  It completely took his Independence from him.  My Uncle who owned much land in town was able to move my grandparents into town in a trailer that was adjacent to his property and ours.  That way we could all be there to care for my Grandfather when needed. For the next several years I cleaned my grandparents house each weekend and assisted my grandfather whenever needed.  I remember one Sunday the preacher came to visit as he did every Sunday since my grandparents couldn't attend church, in response to my grandparents feeling guilty for not being in service, God listens to you no matter where you are.  WHAT?  I don't have to be in church for him to listen?  The minister turned and said...come sit with us....he said, God doesn't care what we wear, how much money we have, or even what car we drive.   He DOES care if we trust him and believe in him.  What a revelation!  After all, I had been placed in a Catholic School for part of a year at my Dad's request and I hated every minute...why?  Because I had to wear a dress!  Tom-boys don't wear dresses.  So I am now being told God listens to me if I am in the yard....HOLY COW....watch what you say.

As I grew through high school and off to college I then met Jared's Dad and was engaged.  My brother and sister-in-law were pregnant with their 4th child and had announced to us that "you sister-in-law is pregnant".  I had a look of horror on my face.  Why?  I thought she had been fixed after the 3rd....I said by who?  They both laughed and even today we have a good laugh about that.  On January 2, 1994 I had been to visit my family and returned home with Jared's Dad (yes we lived in sin) and got the call that after leaving Grandpa had to go to the hospital.  He had passed away shortly after my grandmother asked if he was in pain and he said not any more.  My grandmother said he just waited until he seen me.  That was a lot for someone to carry.  Especially being a young adult at the time.  But somehow it was comforting.

My nephew was born in the May and was he ever a bundle of joy.  Dan and I would babysit the 4 kids and got our first taste of what is was like to drive a fussy infant around at 2 AM!  Well, it was something I hold dear to my heart getting to have a special relationship with all of them.  The following year, my nephew had an accident and rolled off a bed, but unlike others he didn't recover.  He had to be on breathing treatments most of his life.  With his medical history, looking back, he was a pretty tough cookie.  Unfortunately, it was just too much.  I remember being at my brothers house the night we all came from the hospital.  I would say about 8 PM that night a van pulled up and out came a group of Amish that had hired a Mennonite driver to drive them to where my brother lived.  TO HIS HOUSE 2.5 HOURS AWAY.  Now they had no idea where he lived.  They had no idea of what had happened to my nephew.  When they all came to the kitchen with the most delicious smelling food you will ever smell...they said we knew something was wrong and we had to come.  Rusty, my brother who delivered feed to the Amish, wasn't on his route....something was wrong.  But how did you know where he lived?  We asked God to guide us and he did.  I let this go at the time but have thought about it many times since.
My brother once said, Gramp sits next to me in the truck a lot and we talk.  Ok...my brother has done has his butter slip off his noodle.  That isn't possible.

Flash forward several years to Jared is now 2 going on 3 and I am in the middle of a nasty marathon of a divorce and I am praying like never before.  God, I need someone to help me through this.  I need someone who will support me and give me strength on earth.  Poof....I meet Rich.  A year later Rich is offered a job in Nashville and I again pray for help.  God you brought him into my life now if it is your will please grant my divorce, after all it is now 3 years worth of divorcing, and let the judge allow Jared to move.  Poof...granted.  To everyone's surprise I was awarded SOLE custody and granted permission to remove the child to Tennessee.  Yes that is called Case Law.  The first ever in Illinois history the child could be removed at the time of the divorce.

I have always known God was there.  After all when I was the weakest he certainly carried me.  Now I have to say I have never been weaker in my life.  I can honestly tell you there is only but one set of prints in the sand and they don't belong to me.  I have learned that if I listen with my heart and sole I hear a great deal more than I can with my ears.  I hear pure, honest, and healing words.

I hear God and Jared talk to me A LOT.  In fact tonight Rich and I shared much more than what I am sharing with you tonight.  I hope that in a few months to share it all with you but now is not quite the time.  I have listened to God and Jared guiding me every step of the way on the foundation, who to reach out to, and much more.

This week I will travel to Tennessee and stay with friends and visit many more friends.  I look forward to bonding with some special teens and their parents.  I travel on September 10th...World Suicide Prevention Day and the 4th anniversary of Dan dying by suicide.  You see I didn't know it was WSPD and I didn't realize the date until after it was booked.  Ironic I think.  I will walk on September 13th in the Music City Suicide Prevention Walk....3 months to the day of the last day I spent with Jared.  On this day over 60 people will walk for him and others we have lost to suicide.  On the 14th we will attend a St. Louis Cardinal Game...his favorite team.  I will wear one of his jerseys to the game.  And, yes that will be 3 months to the day of his death.

I found out last week that I will be traveling from St. Croix to Miami with a girl from here that is returning home.  She is struggling for many reasons but I believe, from what I have seen and heard, she is battling a demon.  At first I was like....great, just my luck!  But over the last couple of days, I have had a different feeling.  Like maybe she was put on there so we could talk for the 3 hour trip to Miami and maybe I can get through to her to reach out for help when she arrives home.

When I return Rich and I will be adopting a Long Haired Chihuahua from the animal shelter her on island.  A baby girl who is so cute!

Over the past week I have been talking to God a great deal.  Wanting him to give me signs he has Jared and taking good care of him.  Well....on Friday I got that sign.  It was a "chance" thing that Heaven Is For Real was on sale for e-books.  Jared was given a gift card for Christmas and although I had been told I could redeem it online, I couldn't get it to work.  Then I saw this ad that said it was on sale for 2.99!  I had planned on buying the DVD with it in the states.  In fact it was already packed and ready to travel.  I quickly ran to get the card and said a prayer.  A little bit later, there it was on my nook app for Android.  HOLY COW!  Well last night I began to read the book.  I am not a reader and never have been...but I read and read and read.  Until I fell asleep that is.  Then this morning I finished the final two chapters.  Then it referenced a CNN article and yes I went to check it out too!  It was the sign I asked God to give me.  Remember I told you in earlier posts about miscarrying before Jared?  Well, I know Jared is in Heaven with his full siblings and when I get there I will meet them too.  I will then find out if they were girls or boys.  

What amazed me is the book I told you my friend wrote called Payment for Passage talked about many things Heaven is For Real talked about and they were written about the same time.  Identical messages, different states, different reasons......SAME MESSAGE!  I know Jared is in Heaven and he has feet...you will understand after you read both books.  

What about my Rock you are wondering?  He is dealing with things his own way.  He is a typical man and doesn't like to discuss things until I pull them out of him.  He doesn't want me to hurt but he is learning that is just life for me now.  He also has learned I like to talk about Jared it makes things better for me.  I think it is helping him to work through things too.  I know the puppy was a hard decision.  See Rich had to bury Poco a week after Jared passed.  How emotional that must have been.  Why would he want to take a chance on ever having to do that again?  Well?  I think he realized because we both are ready for a little noise and distraction to life.  Besides....who can resist those beautiful eyes.

I don't expect to blog until I return but I might.  Remember God is SOOOO Very Good.