Bilblical Revelation

Remember when you were a child, if you can't think of a small child you know, think of how innocent you were.  How whatever you were told was truth.  Remember that?  I do.  See when I was a child my father was Catholic.  Not a practicing Catholic, except when it suited him, but Catholic nonetheless.  My mother was raised Baptist.  As a young child I remember spending the night with my grandparents and going to church but not having any church clothes so Grandma took the Raggedy Ann dress off the doll and put me in it....tell you how small I was?  I remember hiding under the pew the back row near the isle where they always sat.  That was fine until it was time for Children's Service where we all had to go to the front pew and sit.  I was humiliated!  But I survived....I survived.  Well I was told that God didn't care what we wore to church as long as we listened
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When I was in Junior High my Grandfather had a stroke.  It completely took his Independence from him.  My Uncle who owned much land in town was able to move my grandparents into town in a trailer that was adjacent to his property and ours.  That way we could all be there to care for my Grandfather when needed. For the next several years I cleaned my grandparents house each weekend and assisted my grandfather whenever needed.  I remember one Sunday the preacher came to visit as he did every Sunday since my grandparents couldn't attend church, in response to my grandparents feeling guilty for not being in service, God listens to you no matter where you are.  WHAT?  I don't have to be in church for him to listen?  The minister turned and said...come sit with us....he said, God doesn't care what we wear, how much money we have, or even what car we drive.   He DOES care if we trust him and believe in him.  What a revelation!  After all, I had been placed in a Catholic School for part of a year at my Dad's request and I hated every minute...why?  Because I had to wear a dress!  Tom-boys don't wear dresses.  So I am now being told God listens to me if I am in the yard....HOLY COW....watch what you say.

As I grew through high school and off to college I then met Jared's Dad and was engaged.  My brother and sister-in-law were pregnant with their 4th child and had announced to us that "you sister-in-law is pregnant".  I had a look of horror on my face.  Why?  I thought she had been fixed after the 3rd....I said by who?  They both laughed and even today we have a good laugh about that.  On January 2, 1994 I had been to visit my family and returned home with Jared's Dad (yes we lived in sin) and got the call that after leaving Grandpa had to go to the hospital.  He had passed away shortly after my grandmother asked if he was in pain and he said not any more.  My grandmother said he just waited until he seen me.  That was a lot for someone to carry.  Especially being a young adult at the time.  But somehow it was comforting.

My nephew was born in the May and was he ever a bundle of joy.  Dan and I would babysit the 4 kids and got our first taste of what is was like to drive a fussy infant around at 2 AM!  Well, it was something I hold dear to my heart getting to have a special relationship with all of them.  The following year, my nephew had an accident and rolled off a bed, but unlike others he didn't recover.  He had to be on breathing treatments most of his life.  With his medical history, looking back, he was a pretty tough cookie.  Unfortunately, it was just too much.  I remember being at my brothers house the night we all came from the hospital.  I would say about 8 PM that night a van pulled up and out came a group of Amish that had hired a Mennonite driver to drive them to where my brother lived.  TO HIS HOUSE 2.5 HOURS AWAY.  Now they had no idea where he lived.  They had no idea of what had happened to my nephew.  When they all came to the kitchen with the most delicious smelling food you will ever smell...they said we knew something was wrong and we had to come.  Rusty, my brother who delivered feed to the Amish, wasn't on his route....something was wrong.  But how did you know where he lived?  We asked God to guide us and he did.  I let this go at the time but have thought about it many times since.
My brother once said, Gramp sits next to me in the truck a lot and we talk.  Ok...my brother has done has his butter slip off his noodle.  That isn't possible.

Flash forward several years to Jared is now 2 going on 3 and I am in the middle of a nasty marathon of a divorce and I am praying like never before.  God, I need someone to help me through this.  I need someone who will support me and give me strength on earth.  Poof....I meet Rich.  A year later Rich is offered a job in Nashville and I again pray for help.  God you brought him into my life now if it is your will please grant my divorce, after all it is now 3 years worth of divorcing, and let the judge allow Jared to move.  Poof...granted.  To everyone's surprise I was awarded SOLE custody and granted permission to remove the child to Tennessee.  Yes that is called Case Law.  The first ever in Illinois history the child could be removed at the time of the divorce.

I have always known God was there.  After all when I was the weakest he certainly carried me.  Now I have to say I have never been weaker in my life.  I can honestly tell you there is only but one set of prints in the sand and they don't belong to me.  I have learned that if I listen with my heart and sole I hear a great deal more than I can with my ears.  I hear pure, honest, and healing words.

I hear God and Jared talk to me A LOT.  In fact tonight Rich and I shared much more than what I am sharing with you tonight.  I hope that in a few months to share it all with you but now is not quite the time.  I have listened to God and Jared guiding me every step of the way on the foundation, who to reach out to, and much more.

This week I will travel to Tennessee and stay with friends and visit many more friends.  I look forward to bonding with some special teens and their parents.  I travel on September 10th...World Suicide Prevention Day and the 4th anniversary of Dan dying by suicide.  You see I didn't know it was WSPD and I didn't realize the date until after it was booked.  Ironic I think.  I will walk on September 13th in the Music City Suicide Prevention Walk....3 months to the day of the last day I spent with Jared.  On this day over 60 people will walk for him and others we have lost to suicide.  On the 14th we will attend a St. Louis Cardinal Game...his favorite team.  I will wear one of his jerseys to the game.  And, yes that will be 3 months to the day of his death.

I found out last week that I will be traveling from St. Croix to Miami with a girl from here that is returning home.  She is struggling for many reasons but I believe, from what I have seen and heard, she is battling a demon.  At first I was like....great, just my luck!  But over the last couple of days, I have had a different feeling.  Like maybe she was put on there so we could talk for the 3 hour trip to Miami and maybe I can get through to her to reach out for help when she arrives home.

When I return Rich and I will be adopting a Long Haired Chihuahua from the animal shelter her on island.  A baby girl who is so cute!

Over the past week I have been talking to God a great deal.  Wanting him to give me signs he has Jared and taking good care of him.  Well....on Friday I got that sign.  It was a "chance" thing that Heaven Is For Real was on sale for e-books.  Jared was given a gift card for Christmas and although I had been told I could redeem it online, I couldn't get it to work.  Then I saw this ad that said it was on sale for 2.99!  I had planned on buying the DVD with it in the states.  In fact it was already packed and ready to travel.  I quickly ran to get the card and said a prayer.  A little bit later, there it was on my nook app for Android.  HOLY COW!  Well last night I began to read the book.  I am not a reader and never have been...but I read and read and read.  Until I fell asleep that is.  Then this morning I finished the final two chapters.  Then it referenced a CNN article and yes I went to check it out too!  It was the sign I asked God to give me.  Remember I told you in earlier posts about miscarrying before Jared?  Well, I know Jared is in Heaven with his full siblings and when I get there I will meet them too.  I will then find out if they were girls or boys.  

What amazed me is the book I told you my friend wrote called Payment for Passage talked about many things Heaven is For Real talked about and they were written about the same time.  Identical messages, different states, different reasons......SAME MESSAGE!  I know Jared is in Heaven and he has feet...you will understand after you read both books.  

What about my Rock you are wondering?  He is dealing with things his own way.  He is a typical man and doesn't like to discuss things until I pull them out of him.  He doesn't want me to hurt but he is learning that is just life for me now.  He also has learned I like to talk about Jared it makes things better for me.  I think it is helping him to work through things too.  I know the puppy was a hard decision.  See Rich had to bury Poco a week after Jared passed.  How emotional that must have been.  Why would he want to take a chance on ever having to do that again?  Well?  I think he realized because we both are ready for a little noise and distraction to life.  Besides....who can resist those beautiful eyes.

I don't expect to blog until I return but I might.  Remember God is SOOOO Very Good.

Payment For Passage by Janie Wells

There is a connection that I can't describe that is between mothers who have lost a child.  At Jared's service on St. Croix a lady came up to me and I knew instantly she had lost a child.  We hugged and cried and she handed me a letter.  She said when I was ready to call her she included her number.  In the days weeks to follow a beautiful young lady who I had sat next to at soccer games had reached out via Facebook.  What do the two have in common?  They are mother and daughter.  In short they lost a 17 year old blond haired blue eyed son/brother to drowning when a small tsunami hit the island.  He was swimming at the beach and was swept in and hit his head on the rocks making him unable to save himself.  With God's guidance they found him in the day(s) following the tragedy.  This young lady will be attending college in a little over a week from now.  Where?  Nashville, TN!  She contacted me to ask if she could walk on Jared's Keepers Team with me because she would be attending a small college there this fall.  Without even hesitating absolutely!  We all have to drive right past your school one of us can pick you up we would love to have you!  I then felt someone tell me....Mom have her connect with Kelsey they will like each other.  Great idea!  So I messaged Kelsey and also my friend Melanie to say this young lady will be coming in please let her know you are there if she needs you.  They all connected on Facebook and in next month will meet.

At Jared's service in Tennessee a dear friend gave me a book she had written about her journey that came from the murder of her beautiful daughter. Even being in such a dense fog that night her words are still very clear to me. Don't read this until you are ready. It didn't make sense to me then, but two days ago I began to read it. It is clear as to why.  I am not, and never have been, a reader. But I couldn't put it down. It spoke to me. Even though our loss was different it is the same. At first I thought I couldn't put it down because of knowing the family and Jared was friends with her grandsons and even played soccer with them and was coached by her son. Through the years I have always enjoyed talking with her in the stands watching soccer. But tonight after two and a half hours of reading I am almost done. I am blessed to have her and her family as friends. I am sad to not have met her daughter but I am guessing Jared has. I have learned that grief at times puts you in autopilot and you may do things out of character to numb or stop the pain. There are so many beautiful messages in this book I recommend it to anyone who has lost a piece of their heart with the death of a loved one, especially a child. While this is not a thick book I find myself reading each word and digesting it, owning it, and at times getting chills from them.  Last night as I read one of the section where her daughter came to her as an Angel with feet, I could feel a hand go up my neck and into my hair.  And then I felt a hug.  I think my Angel was there with me.  I feel him with me a lot.  Last night on the scooter ride with Rich, I rode Jared's scooter.  I almost felt like I had a passenger with their hands on my shoulders and then wrapped tightly around my stomach.

Payment For Passage by Janie Wells is a must read for those who are believers, were believers, or struggling to believe again.

Thank you Janie for sharing this beautiful book with me.