I attended Freddy's memorial soccer game yesterday. As his Momma came up his Step-Dad told her my name but I recognized she was in the same Fog I had been in. So as I hugged her she began to go limp and wail the familiar wail I do. I later learned she spoke little English but there was a connection that mothers have that have lost a child. It is so unique and there are no words to describe. I found joy in the game as I could see Jared and Freddy both on the field playing with everyone. Several College Freshmen had made it back in time to participate and was so wonderful seeing them. What was also nice is I met the parents of a girl I would sit next to at games and she now attends college in Nashville. She lost her brother, blond hair, blue eyed, soccer player, a few years ago to the Tide Pools to a rogue wave. We connected instantly and somehow knew who each other was. We talked and shared stories of our boys and ways we cope with life. She and her husband had to leave and shortly after I thought I need to as well. I made my way down to hug Momma again and it was then I learned that she spoke little English. The minister's wife interpreted and she then realized who I was. She held my hands and didn't want to let go. She said Freddy would talk about Jared all the time. Oh how that warmed my heart! As I left I would hear a voice call out, hi Mrs. Martin and I would look to find a student who was coming toward me with open arms. They have no idea how much that means to me. Then soccer coaches realized I was there and a couple hugs were shared between us. I finally reached the truck and headed back to the house when the emotions became too much. The river of tears fell.
I talked with Freddy's step brother and hugged him so much. I knew him from the Boardwalk and mutual friends. He is struggling on a much different level. He informed me that Freddy was an only child and his Dad had three children. So that put Momma's connection stronger yet.
Continued:
I continue to grieve a whole new grief this week. I always think I am stronger than what I turn out to be. Tomorrow I will board a plane and head to Illinois to be with family for the Holidays. It will be Zoe's first experience of winter, plane rides, and meeting new family as well. I am struggling with the Holiday. I just don't want it to come at all. But I have no control over that. I am ready for my interview with the radio station and looking forward to that. I want to remember Jared in a special way at Christmas but unsure what that will be until that moment. I know I will light a candle while we are together. I also have been filling his stocking with notes from me to him.
No Christmas cards were sent this year. Each year we write a letter telling of our year's activities and joys. I just couldn't do it. Not this year. Maybe next year...or maybe not.
I have been deep in thought the last couple of weeks about life, religion, Heaven, and purpose. I have done a great deal of thought on each. While I am traveling I plan on blogging more frequently and reflecting on those topics.
Prayers are appreciated and I wish each of you a Peace Filled Holiday Season.
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