This week I started a part time job that I dearly love. I takes me to a happy place when I am there. I have also been busy organizing two Survivors of Suicide Loss Days and loving on my husband and Zoe as much as possible. I have really been feeling like I am moving forward but once in a while it hits me like a brick wall at 180 miles an hour. ANGER, RAGE, HEARTBREAK, HURT, REGRET, HELPLESSNESS, FRUSTRATION, DISAPPOINTMENT, LONELINESS, GUILT, LOVE, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, and many many other emotions that I am not sure if they have a name. I wish so many things right now. Mostly, I wish the holidays were not coming, but this year they are coming faster than I have ever felt them before. I feel like I am on a huge downhill ice covered road with deep ditches on both sides and an unknown at the bottom or if there IS a bottom. I am just trying to keep it on the road and out of the ditch.
How do you tell yourself to quit listening to part of what is going on inside but TO listen to other parts? I am leaning heavy on my faith and my belief in Angels walking among us. I am also confused right now. If you have followed me you know I have a strong connection with Jared through birds. Lately, when I feel him the strongest there are 3 birds. I figure, no I know one is him, one I assume is Poco, and I am baffled on who the third might be. I have ideas and feelings but why? One thing is Jared was a social butterfly so he was always with people, usually girls. So am I completely wrong? Is it not Poco but girls? LOL I won't know for sure for years, but I know they watch me often.
I wonder at times will this world ever get it? How can we have such double standards in this place? How is it compassion pours for a woman who commits medically assisted suicide but not those who do it on their own? How is it one is ok and the other is thought to be "giving up" on life? Why can't people educate themselves? Why is it that elected officials flippantly joke that reporters that have been following his campaign need to be put on suicide watch? WTH? Have you EVER been on suicide watch? I have and it sucks! Sitting in a chair all night in the most uncomfortable position you can find so not to fall asleep so you don't lose your child. Yes it sucks big time. Have you ever followed your child around virtually to make sure they were moving and not stopped somewhere for too long? I have. Have you ever stalked their social media so you could try to pick up on little signs? I have. So how dare you ignorant people say that my son, and others like him, are giving up on life and are different than the woman who was told she would die in a few months? Doctors make mistakes maybe she would have had a miracle? Maybe they were wrong. But it is ok for her but not my son? BULLSHIT. He hurt too. A pain you will never understand, I hope. A pain I tried desperately to take away from him. BUT I FAILED and now I live with that each day and night.
Here is what I have learned. We, ALL OF US, have got to drop the BS and band together to help those who need the support for mental and emotional struggles. I am not saying I don't have compassion or that I do or don't support assisted suicide, what I AM saying is suicide is suicide is suicide.
People hurt and don't want those they love the most to suffer. THAT is what it is about. Still we try to justify or worse yet dismiss the suicide as "drug overdose" or they were a "junkie" or "addict". Really people? Why do people turn to drugs and alcohol in such strong force that they become an addict? PAIN They are suffering a pain of some sort.
I watch the work young adults are doing to help get the message out to kids and adults alike to stay with us we need you....YOU ARE A KEEPER. Sometimes, my sweet girl in Tennessee gets frustrated but I try to reassure her she is making a difference. Other times, I am down and she seems to sense it and message me when I need it the most.
This build up in emotions prompted me this week to begin work on a book. Many people asked me in the first month following Jared's passing to write a book and help others. I felt this week it was time to begin that journey. When completed I will make the decision on if I should try to get it published but, one step at a time.
Sorry for the rant tonight but I feel better having gotten that off my mind.
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