The Keeper

def: a person who manages or looks after something or someone.

Sports def: A player assigned to protect the goal in various sports.

One of Jared's coaches told me that he was placed in the most important position for all the team.  This position was not only to block the ball from entering but it was to observe, digest, and act as a "coach" from the field.  This position needed to be able to reassure the team he would stop any ball that had gotten past them, or in other words "he had their back".  This position was to coach and cheer on his team and motivate as this position had a better observation of the game then even the coach.  

I watched Jared closely in his position he had been given after that talk.  Being the over protective mother I was, I was concerned that was a lot of weight just put on his shoulders.  I saw him take that weight and grow stronger from it.  He learned to do exactly what the coach needed him to do and to also communicate with the coach for the coach to make better decisions.  

This week has been one hell of a week for me.  Downs, Ups, drowning, flying, exhaustion and completely helpless.  These are just a few of the emotions from this week.  

I began to think yesterday afternoon as I felt Jared's presence very strong, about the true meaning of a Keeper.  I remembered what that coach had told me.  I remembered watching Jared become a strong Keeper, both physically and mentally.  I also thought about this:  Jared is still the Keeper.  He is keeping his team going to stop "block" suicide (stop the ball).  He is putting each of us in our position on the field and putting a support system in the stands.  He is putting people at the gate collecting money to insure the team can continue to play on a level field with good lighting, and a successful outcome.  He has put the coaches in place that cheer on the team members.  He has more team members than ever before signing up to join his team.  We have a great defense!  I also thought, just as the best of the best teams out there, once in a while a ball will get past all of us.  No matter how strong our defense was/is.  So, I can scream for a minute but then, just like Jared, I have to get my head back in the game.  

Our Keepers across the US and around the world are growing in numbers, our defenses are getting stronger.  Our cheers are getting louder.  Our name is getting known.  Our mission is being heard.  Our "goals" are adding up.  

I hear often from those who knew Jared that he is proud of me and the work I am doing.  I think he is most proud of holding his team together.  See my gift to Jared pales in comparison to that he gives me each day.  He made wonderful, strong willed, determined, driven friends and he gifted them all to me.  Without them, I couldn't continue nor would I have ever started.  

I wish Jared would have taken his hurt from losing his father and done what Kelsey and I have done with ours.  He would have had all the same supporters.  

I look forward to heaven.  I really do.  I can be with Jared again and watch he and his team "God's Giants" or "Heavenly Havoc" playing some awesome soccer.  I am sure that it is the greatest place, it has to be with all the beautiful Angels that live there with God.  

Reflections During a Hurricane

I have spent much time lately reflecting on my life with Jared.  I knew I loved him and that we were very close but it isn't until you reflect on life that you realize exactly how close you were.  I want to share something that has been happening that has invoked much reflection.
I have been noticing Zoe playing, at first what seemed by herself, but with someone who wasn't there.  I mean she is waving her paws in the air at someone as she is on her back.  She is talking and tilting her head in complete interest.  She exhibits this when she is in play with me too.  It wasn't until Saturday that it was "in my face" what I believe is happening.  Saturday I had the very tall egret return to the house.  Remember the egret from right after Jared passed?  Zoe was outside to go potty and the Egret came to her and she to him.  They weren't frightened by one another but rather intrigued and almost engaged in conversation.  They both made gentle noises and stared at one another and bobbed heads and had this amazing exchange of information.  I watched as tears fell down my cheeks.  I was trying to keep them wiped away so I could take it all in and not miss a moment.  I gently said, Jared?   The Egret looked up and shook his head yes.  Then it was back to Zoe with all his attention.  I wish I could have understood what was being communicated.  They both finished and the Egret disappeared behind the dirt pile and Zoe off to do business.  I couldn't help but just drench myself in tears.  Is it possible?  Could it be?  When I returned into the house I gave Zoe her piece of cheese as a reward for outside potty.  Then went to the stove to make tea....there next to the other white feather from the last time that same Egret visited was another on the screen.  I can't help but believe it was Jared visiting Zoe.  Was he just checking her out?  Was he instructing her in something?
Another unusual occurrence is the night Zoe came home 2 cats have appeared at the house.  They jumped up on the balcony which is an adventure for them.  They are young adults.  One black cat and one pure white cat.  They startled me when I first saw them.  They both were laying outside the living room sliding screen door on the mat gazing in at Zoe.  I chased them off as we do any cat because of the number of fleas and such the strays carry.  But these two were different.  I had never seen them.  They spent the night on the balcony and I saw them again the next day.  The day after Rich came home and I was telling him about the cats.  Well, we haven't seen those cats again....until today.  Today after I dropped Rich at the airport, I was meeting with a young lady here to organize the November 22 event on island and who is at the door?  The white cat.
Another odd thing has been happening, LIZARDS.....all over inside this house.  Baby ones.  According to native Crucians, baby lizards means there is a baby on the way.  I have seen no less than 12 in this house in the last week.  Which continues to confirm my feelings of a baby girl.  I don't know what that means....but all I know is a baby girl is on the way.
All of these signs happen and I am taking them in and processing and reflecting.  I saw a piece on TV the other night that talked about scientific proof that spirits, Angels, ghosts, whatever you want to call them, walk among us.  So I researched more about it.  Feathers are a big sign from Angels.  Coins, songs, and many other signs have been linked our loved ones visiting us.
I have reflected on Jared a lot today.  I have talked to him telling him how much I wish he were here with me for this storm.  I know he would be totally in awe of Zoe and she would have him wrapped around her paw.  I have asked Jared to watch over us and keep us safe as we wait for this hurricane to hit us tonight.  I also try to continue to heal.  That is the hardest part.  I really want to curl up and cry uncontrollably and endlessly, cry.  I don't want to get up until the Lord takes me to be with Jared again.  Then with a warm feeling, Mom I need you to stop this and make a difference.  I have given you a job and I need you to do it.  At time I then go through moments of anger with him.  Why the hell didn't you stay and team with me to get this message out? Then he says, I am here with you.  You just don't see me but I touch you and you know I do.  YES, I know you touch me.  This weekend I realized something amazing.  My hurt is temporary.  It will go away the day I go to Heaven and unite with Jared again.  Then we will be together eternally.  How amazing is that?  Eternally!  ForEVER AND EVER!  That is such a warm feeling.  When you look at life that way, I may be on earth another 40-50 years but I will be in Heaven with my loved ones a million times that long.
So while I am here, I will do what I am guided to do by God and Jared, raise Zoe to be a precious sweet girl, and take care of my husband.

Bilblical Revelation

Remember when you were a child, if you can't think of a small child you know, think of how innocent you were.  How whatever you were told was truth.  Remember that?  I do.  See when I was a child my father was Catholic.  Not a practicing Catholic, except when it suited him, but Catholic nonetheless.  My mother was raised Baptist.  As a young child I remember spending the night with my grandparents and going to church but not having any church clothes so Grandma took the Raggedy Ann dress off the doll and put me in it....tell you how small I was?  I remember hiding under the pew the back row near the isle where they always sat.  That was fine until it was time for Children's Service where we all had to go to the front pew and sit.  I was humiliated!  But I survived....I survived.  Well I was told that God didn't care what we wore to church as long as we listened
.
When I was in Junior High my Grandfather had a stroke.  It completely took his Independence from him.  My Uncle who owned much land in town was able to move my grandparents into town in a trailer that was adjacent to his property and ours.  That way we could all be there to care for my Grandfather when needed. For the next several years I cleaned my grandparents house each weekend and assisted my grandfather whenever needed.  I remember one Sunday the preacher came to visit as he did every Sunday since my grandparents couldn't attend church, in response to my grandparents feeling guilty for not being in service, God listens to you no matter where you are.  WHAT?  I don't have to be in church for him to listen?  The minister turned and said...come sit with us....he said, God doesn't care what we wear, how much money we have, or even what car we drive.   He DOES care if we trust him and believe in him.  What a revelation!  After all, I had been placed in a Catholic School for part of a year at my Dad's request and I hated every minute...why?  Because I had to wear a dress!  Tom-boys don't wear dresses.  So I am now being told God listens to me if I am in the yard....HOLY COW....watch what you say.

As I grew through high school and off to college I then met Jared's Dad and was engaged.  My brother and sister-in-law were pregnant with their 4th child and had announced to us that "you sister-in-law is pregnant".  I had a look of horror on my face.  Why?  I thought she had been fixed after the 3rd....I said by who?  They both laughed and even today we have a good laugh about that.  On January 2, 1994 I had been to visit my family and returned home with Jared's Dad (yes we lived in sin) and got the call that after leaving Grandpa had to go to the hospital.  He had passed away shortly after my grandmother asked if he was in pain and he said not any more.  My grandmother said he just waited until he seen me.  That was a lot for someone to carry.  Especially being a young adult at the time.  But somehow it was comforting.

My nephew was born in the May and was he ever a bundle of joy.  Dan and I would babysit the 4 kids and got our first taste of what is was like to drive a fussy infant around at 2 AM!  Well, it was something I hold dear to my heart getting to have a special relationship with all of them.  The following year, my nephew had an accident and rolled off a bed, but unlike others he didn't recover.  He had to be on breathing treatments most of his life.  With his medical history, looking back, he was a pretty tough cookie.  Unfortunately, it was just too much.  I remember being at my brothers house the night we all came from the hospital.  I would say about 8 PM that night a van pulled up and out came a group of Amish that had hired a Mennonite driver to drive them to where my brother lived.  TO HIS HOUSE 2.5 HOURS AWAY.  Now they had no idea where he lived.  They had no idea of what had happened to my nephew.  When they all came to the kitchen with the most delicious smelling food you will ever smell...they said we knew something was wrong and we had to come.  Rusty, my brother who delivered feed to the Amish, wasn't on his route....something was wrong.  But how did you know where he lived?  We asked God to guide us and he did.  I let this go at the time but have thought about it many times since.
My brother once said, Gramp sits next to me in the truck a lot and we talk.  Ok...my brother has done has his butter slip off his noodle.  That isn't possible.

Flash forward several years to Jared is now 2 going on 3 and I am in the middle of a nasty marathon of a divorce and I am praying like never before.  God, I need someone to help me through this.  I need someone who will support me and give me strength on earth.  Poof....I meet Rich.  A year later Rich is offered a job in Nashville and I again pray for help.  God you brought him into my life now if it is your will please grant my divorce, after all it is now 3 years worth of divorcing, and let the judge allow Jared to move.  Poof...granted.  To everyone's surprise I was awarded SOLE custody and granted permission to remove the child to Tennessee.  Yes that is called Case Law.  The first ever in Illinois history the child could be removed at the time of the divorce.

I have always known God was there.  After all when I was the weakest he certainly carried me.  Now I have to say I have never been weaker in my life.  I can honestly tell you there is only but one set of prints in the sand and they don't belong to me.  I have learned that if I listen with my heart and sole I hear a great deal more than I can with my ears.  I hear pure, honest, and healing words.

I hear God and Jared talk to me A LOT.  In fact tonight Rich and I shared much more than what I am sharing with you tonight.  I hope that in a few months to share it all with you but now is not quite the time.  I have listened to God and Jared guiding me every step of the way on the foundation, who to reach out to, and much more.

This week I will travel to Tennessee and stay with friends and visit many more friends.  I look forward to bonding with some special teens and their parents.  I travel on September 10th...World Suicide Prevention Day and the 4th anniversary of Dan dying by suicide.  You see I didn't know it was WSPD and I didn't realize the date until after it was booked.  Ironic I think.  I will walk on September 13th in the Music City Suicide Prevention Walk....3 months to the day of the last day I spent with Jared.  On this day over 60 people will walk for him and others we have lost to suicide.  On the 14th we will attend a St. Louis Cardinal Game...his favorite team.  I will wear one of his jerseys to the game.  And, yes that will be 3 months to the day of his death.

I found out last week that I will be traveling from St. Croix to Miami with a girl from here that is returning home.  She is struggling for many reasons but I believe, from what I have seen and heard, she is battling a demon.  At first I was like....great, just my luck!  But over the last couple of days, I have had a different feeling.  Like maybe she was put on there so we could talk for the 3 hour trip to Miami and maybe I can get through to her to reach out for help when she arrives home.

When I return Rich and I will be adopting a Long Haired Chihuahua from the animal shelter her on island.  A baby girl who is so cute!

Over the past week I have been talking to God a great deal.  Wanting him to give me signs he has Jared and taking good care of him.  Well....on Friday I got that sign.  It was a "chance" thing that Heaven Is For Real was on sale for e-books.  Jared was given a gift card for Christmas and although I had been told I could redeem it online, I couldn't get it to work.  Then I saw this ad that said it was on sale for 2.99!  I had planned on buying the DVD with it in the states.  In fact it was already packed and ready to travel.  I quickly ran to get the card and said a prayer.  A little bit later, there it was on my nook app for Android.  HOLY COW!  Well last night I began to read the book.  I am not a reader and never have been...but I read and read and read.  Until I fell asleep that is.  Then this morning I finished the final two chapters.  Then it referenced a CNN article and yes I went to check it out too!  It was the sign I asked God to give me.  Remember I told you in earlier posts about miscarrying before Jared?  Well, I know Jared is in Heaven with his full siblings and when I get there I will meet them too.  I will then find out if they were girls or boys.  

What amazed me is the book I told you my friend wrote called Payment for Passage talked about many things Heaven is For Real talked about and they were written about the same time.  Identical messages, different states, different reasons......SAME MESSAGE!  I know Jared is in Heaven and he has feet...you will understand after you read both books.  

What about my Rock you are wondering?  He is dealing with things his own way.  He is a typical man and doesn't like to discuss things until I pull them out of him.  He doesn't want me to hurt but he is learning that is just life for me now.  He also has learned I like to talk about Jared it makes things better for me.  I think it is helping him to work through things too.  I know the puppy was a hard decision.  See Rich had to bury Poco a week after Jared passed.  How emotional that must have been.  Why would he want to take a chance on ever having to do that again?  Well?  I think he realized because we both are ready for a little noise and distraction to life.  Besides....who can resist those beautiful eyes.

I don't expect to blog until I return but I might.  Remember God is SOOOO Very Good.