How is it that just one year ago 3 of us boarded a plane and now just I am here. Why is that? Why couldn't they still be here with me? It isn't fair! But I have always been told Life is NOT fair. I am so torn everyday inside. I believe in God and I know he is the only one keeping me moving forward in faith and knowing that I will be eternally with Jared in the future. BUT WHY? Together Jared and I had survived so much. Together we had come so far. Why not tell him in that moment he must stay and work with me to stop others?
We finished out the day together with smoked pork loin, one of Jared's favorite and a favorite among the family, with mashed potatoes and peas. Watched our normal Sunday night TV and retired. Being mentally and emotionally drained it was a quick drift to slumber land. Oh how I wish Jared would have been with me yesterday. He would so enjoy Zoe and he she would love him. Although I know he is present and she can see him. I know because she is playing with someone that I can't see and she is doing the exact same things Poco did with Jared when they played. It warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.
Rich and I are doing well. We continue to try to get out on a regular basis and enjoy life. We are looking forward to upcoming visits to the states and those of family and friends here. We are looking ahead to the busy season picking up because that means restaurants will open back up, Jump Ups, Boat Parades, and Carnival. It will all be coming on.
I know I will struggle through this Holiday Season but I will also insure that Jared is still a part of it. Happy tears and sad ones I know will be shed.
I know this post is all over the place but I decided to leave it that way so you can understand how my brain works these days. ADD would not even begin to describe it. It is scattered, incoherent at times, and down right forgetful. I write notes and hope I remember the notes or I am SOL. I drive Rich and myself crazy at times because I forget to fill a glass with tea that I went to the kitchen for. Or go to fold laundry and forget to go the laundry room before I get there. It is terrible. I know with each day it gets better but heck about the time it rebounds I will then start forgetting because of old age.
I am asked by many if I regret anything. Hell yes! Then I let it go. I wouldn't be human if I didn't have regrets but at the end of each day I have none. Why? Because, if Jared would have said he didn't want to move here, I wouldn't have agreed. If Jared did not like it here, he wouldn't have been here. So while I have those moments of "I should have never gotten on the plane a year ago" moments, that is exactly what they are.....moments. Because I am quickly filled with other feelings and knowledge that says different.
I pray each day we can stop suicide. I know that is a long battle to win the war on. But I feel it will be worth it. I must try.
Kelsey is still going strong in Kingston Springs and she is moving mountains there! In addition to all she has done she is organizing Red Night at the last home football game. She is organizing the Nashville International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. She is organizing the Spring Campus Walk to stop suicide. And oh yes, she got the Keepers Club up and running at HHS and they have their first meeting today. What can't this girl do? I don't know but she keeps me motivated. She gives me strength to fight this fight. Jared has brought many friendships together over the years and in his passing but I have to say this friendship he brought together between Kelsey and I and her family is so special.
I encourage you to find an event near you for November 22. You can find that http://www.survivorday.org/
Nashville and St. Croix should be listed soon.
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