Struggling

The last several days I have been dealing with internal struggles.  Let me say this first, I have learned that there is a large difference on what you know to be true and what you feel to be true.

I know I raised Jared the very best I could.  I taught him right from wrong.  I taught him to be kind and respectful to others.  I was still teaching him how yo be a good man and future husband/father.  I know Jared loved me beyond words, as I did him.  I know I am dealing with my grief in a way many are not accustomed to.  I know I refuse to hide in shame or embarrassment of suicide.  I refuse to let suicide take my life in that capacity or any other.

Now what I feel is so drastically different that what I said above.  What I feel is I failed Jared.  I didn't shelter the real world and reality from him.  I didn't hide my struggles in life from him.  He knew when financial issues would come up and he would see me work through them.  Maybe I should have just painted sunny skis and roses.  That isn't me.  Maybe I WAS a terrible mother.  After all, I was sued so many times by my ex mother in law for that reason.  Maybe I didn't love him enough.  Maybe I should have sheltered him and not prepared him to be on his own...he could have just lived with me forever.  Maybe I am being punished.  I lost my dad at 8, had miscarriages, finally had Jared, now he is gone too.  Am I really so bad that this happened? Was I needing a Faith check?
Then there is this battle of.......worrying about how others feel when I talk about Jared.  This is a big struggle.  What the hell should I care how it impacts others.  Don't like me talking about Jared, go away.  That just isn't possible.  I am a proud momma. I will always talk about him.  I have been given a purpose, an important purpose in life to break stigmas of suicide and mental health help.
While I know my feeling are unsubstantiated, I still have them.  I find I no longer have a filter on many things. While I care for those around me, I try to let people know it is ok to talk to me.  I also want people to understand that sometimes, I struggle and for a couple of hours I just want to focus on listening to the band playing and having a couple of drinks.  Sometimes I just want to stare at the water and stars and think.
I know the next several weeks are going to suck on so many levels.  But I have hung Jared's stocking by his Urn and will probably continue to each year.  I did not do a letter and Christmas cards this year, and not sure I will again.
So I continue to struggle between what I know and what I feel.