Burn the Cloak of Shame!

Recently a friend invited me over to share a glass of wine and catch up on life.   We had returned to her home after enjoying lunch at a local cafe feasting on southern style meat and 3 and our sweet tea all while sitting outside breathing in the sweet Tennessee air.  I am not sure we stopped talking from the moment we saw one another.  It was one of the most uplifting and somehow spiritual conversations I have had in a long time.  We spoke of the struggles a mutual friend of ours deals with from the suicide of her child.  That turned the conversation to the cloak of shame conversation.   As if it was Jared showing up to join in, a bird flew up and sat near us on the step, then in the tree next to us, followed by my 3 birds soaring high above.  Birds are, and have been, my spiritual connection to Jared since he passed.  My friend shared how she can't believe the way some people still react to us and how people's fear of suicide makes them act in rude and unnatural behaviors. 
I can't believe Jared will be gone 2 years tomorrow.  At times it is like I lost him yesterday, and other times it feels like forever. 
I looked back and I realized that each time someone has tried to put the cloak of shame on me (as if I am wearing the scarlet letter ) I have refused to put it on.  In some cases, I think I have put it on them, for shame on them for trying to make me be ashamed of my child.....like H&!! you will.  Maybe I have not allowed this because I acknowledge the only way to stop suicide is to talk about it and let people know there is a support system. 

For as long as I can remember, I would hear adults talk about suicide and everyone would chime in on the "why did it happen" theories.  You know what I am talking about.  Husband cheating, wife cheating, money problems, criminal problems, losing their house, blah blah.  What I have learned is that we are an instant, fix it now, generation.  If I can't find the answer on Google, I don't need it.  Remember the days you had to go to a library and use the card catalog to look stuff up?  WATCH IT, I AM NOT THAT OLD!  Seriously, that wasn't long ago.  If you haven't walked into a school library recently, you might just be shocked.  In fact, I walked into the "library" at my Alma Mater and it was now a lunch room.  No books, just tables and vending machines.  The librarians desk is used to house the popcorn machine.  Anyway, we want it now.  Remember when you were a child and you got hurt?  We weren't rushed to the ER our parents washed us off, wrapped it up, and kissed our booboo and off we went again. I still have scars to prove it.  Other times the solution was to rub dirt in it and keep going.  Dr Mom always had the answer.  Windows were open, so were front doors, and kids bounced between houses getting goodies along the way.  Candy from one, ice pop from the next, glass of Kool Aide from another.  Over the years, we have all learned to isolate ourselves.  Don't believe me?  Are your doors and windows open and can you hear nature?  Or are they sealed up tightly with your air conditioner running because you are hot?  Do you talk to people in person or do you text and chat online?  Do you sit on your front porch and visit with neighbors and family or in your LaZboy?  

Well most likely you sit in your house with your AC on high chatting with people electronically.  The right now approach.  After all, visiting would require planning of some kind, traveling for someone, and undivided attention.  

Well with suicide, there are no right here, right now answers.  Not when you are doing all you can to save a life.  Not when you are picking up the pieces left behind.  Not anytime.  Not about any part of it. It is a multi layer issue.  That is why most people want to look the other way rather than tackle the issue.  It is like trying to capture a cloud for most of us.  Just when you think you will capture it, it changes form, and it is impossible to capture.  Just as no two clouds are the same, neither are suicides.  

Suicide does not mean the person lost was not loved, or did not give love.  In fact, it is quite the reverse.  They often are surrounded by so much love and give so much love, that it is incomprehensible when they are lost to suicide.  How can that be?  They were such a happy person.  They were so loved.  Suicide has NOTHING to do with amount or lack of love, it is far deeper than that.

Suicide is a method of death.  Equal to all other forms of death.  What does separate it is it carries a HUGE stigma.  A stigma that is at times enlarged by culture, by color, by age, by socioeconomic class, by profession, just to name a few.  I live in the Caribbean and I have found that both culturally and in the black community, suicide carries a larger stigma than in the white community.  It carries a larger stigma than those in the Latino community but the Latino's here have a larger one than whites.  I have become close friends with a black lady here who lost her son a few years ago.  He was off at college in the states when he took his life.  She struggles because of the stigma associated form multiple directions.  She fights back each time someone tries to put that cloak of shame on her.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.  My child struggled with a disease that we could not find the root of.  A disease that was being treated.  He was a great kid/young adult.  Why should I be ashamed?  I should be ashamed because of their lack of education on the subject?  I should be ashamed because they are uncomfortable saying the words?  

So just try to put that cloak of shame on me again.  I will remove it from my shoulders each and every time.  I will give it back to you or burn it - be prepared.  I have enough weight to carry everyday in my grief, I don't need unnecessary weight from a stupid cloak.  

So if you happen to be around with the cloak of shame is given to someone.....stand with them as they refuse it.  If they are struggling, help them take it off.  

Last week, because a group of teens in Tennessee refused to wear the cloak of shame something great happened.  A bill was signed into law.  A bill that mandates more training for schools and now requires every employee of the school be trained in suicide prevention, intervention, and post-vention.  Schools must also have policies and procedures in place with a student reaches out for help or when an intervention needs to take place or for the wake of the aftermath.  This bill strengthened the Jason Flatt Act and was named Jared's Law #JaredsLaw.  Nashville took to supporting the law and lit a downtown bridge up red on Friday night of CMA fest, ironically Chris Stapleton was performing that night and had just received an award for his suicide awareness song, Fire Away.  

No matter the cause of death, I hope you never allow the cloak to be worn by anyone, ever again. #burnthecloak.

Below is photos of Nashville lit up Red and Governor Bill Haslam seated with Senator Kerry Roberts, AFSP Shannon Hall, TSPN Misty Leitsch, TSPN Executive Director Scott Ridgway, Jared's Keepers Student Ambassador Cameron Eanes, Jared's Keepers co-founder and Director of Student Outreach Kelsey Neeley, Mrs Dianne Roberts, Representative Mary Littleton

Reflections

I returned Friday afternoon from another trip to the states to talk to teens about suicide prevention and awareness.  I spoke at high schools and middle schools.  I even had one PTO meeting and a Chamber of Commerce Meeting.  While the Chamber meeting was pretty self contained, we had a great response from those who attended.  The PTO meeting was at a school that had been touched by suicide.  What is sad is that the parents of the young man lost were present and saw first hand the empty offerings that come when a loved one is lost.  I don't think it is only to suicide this happens but during all losses.  People who say they want to support you and learn more and they will be there for you, but they don't show up.  If you have ever lost anyone then you know who I am talking about.

Yet, I feel so overwhelmed with love when I talk to teens.  They are genuine, speak from the heart, and mean what they say.  They don't offer empty promises.  They have a pure love and they know empathy.  They ask questions with an extreme purpose behind them.  They have a desire for knowledge to solve a problem and when they are empowered with helping me solve the issue of suicide they step up and are loud and proud to save a friend.

So where is it between teen and adult that we lose that?  Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty gestures of kindness?  Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty promises?  Where is it we lose the desire to change the world for the better?

I am amazed when I tell teens I need something done, something seemingly unobtainable, and they get it done.  I sent 19 students to the Tennessee State Capitol last February to help the AFSP get the message out about suicide prevention and awareness to the Legislature.  It filled my heart to listen to all the stories from each of those young adults when they left about getting to talk to every elected official except 2 that refused them.  The innocence of it all is they didn't have appointments to see any of them, they just walked in with a News Camera Crew and like magic they got in to see the official.  They didn't know you needed an appointment, they just did what they felt should be the way.  I have to agree, it should be, it once was, even at the White House you were allowed in to see and talk to the President.  Oh how times have changed.

I got to talk with Keepers Clubs and my oh my how I left with a full heart.  I talked with individuals and groups.  I listened to them tell me of Senior Projects, events they had taken part in, upcoming trips, struggles, and triumphs over dark times.  I felt Jared near them all.  I talked with administrators that are struggling to help struggling students.  How they want to take the pain away and make the children better.  I talked to parents and community members who were amazed at the students in their area taking on suicide and making adults talk about and help them fix it.

I talked to friends from school that I was close with, grew apart, and now are close once more.  I talked with friends who were once casual acquaintances who are now strong supporters of my efforts and in my inner circle of friends.

I met with law makers to help draft legislation to make a real difference and to help the students achieve what they feel is necessary to combat the issue of suicide.

While at times these struggles I feel with prevention and awareness are legitimate, they quickly give way to the acute awareness that my target audience is hearing the message loud and clear.  This also gives way to frustrations at times because so many administrators are stuck between what they want to do and what political powers are telling them to do.  How very sad!  I will say this, I do hold those "political powers" and "avoid at all cost" parents accountable for every teen lost.  That blood is on your hands.  I wonder how you would feel if that blood belongs to your own child.

Wouldn't it be great that if we didn't talk about a problem it would just go away?  Well then, stop talking about sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, budgets, low income, crime, homicide, race, etc.....it will all go away if you just stop talking about it.  If only.

I met a wonderful principal along my travels this time too.  He is a giant teddy bear.  I think his students feel the same way.  He towers over them all but is quick to offer a hug and a kind word.  He also took some extreme action to make a talk to his students take place.  He was amazing.

I wish the adults had an open mind like the teens do.  I wish they had an understanding and grasp of the real problems the teens are facing.  I wish.......so much.

My Year Of Firsts.....They Never End

While attending Jared's second Memorial service, the one held in Tennessee, I visited with some friends and the family of one of Jared's former soccer coaches.  His coach had taken his life the year before Jared and his young daughter and I were talking and in a shaky voice from behind tears she said, I just finished my year of firsts.  I had to ask her to repeat it but when she did it finally hit me, I am just beginning my year of firsts!  How will I make it through this?  WTF?  Someone take me out of this nightmare!  PLEASE GOD TAKE ME NOW!

Well in just 9 short days I will complete that calendar year.  What I have come to realize is this, my firsts without Jared will not end there.  Is that a good thing?  Is that a bad thing?  Is it just a thing?  See this year has thrown a few things that wouldn't have thought of a year ago.  I never thought I would have started a foundation, talked in front of groups of people at schools and organizations.  I never thought I would become an advocate for the AFSP.  I also never thought many other things.  I never thought I could look at another picture of him and not cry.  I never thought I would be able to smile again.  I never thought happiness would ever be obtainable again.

While the year of firsts are coming to an end, it hit me this week that my "firsts" without Jared are really just beginning.  I had my first holidays and birthdays and all that we think about.  Yet I have many more firsts to go through.  I also have been through my first graduation that Jared should have been a part of and will attend my second tomorrow.  I have the first yearbook he should have been in as a senior but is a memory page.  I still have to go through lots of first.  The first baby will be born this fall into the family that will never know Jared, only through pictures and stories.  The first funeral since Jared's.  The first new car.  The first vacation without him.  We have done that one.  We actually did that during the week of Easter, our wedding anniversary, and what should have been Jared's 18th birthday.  Our first puppy that never met Jared.  I have done that one too.  First new job since he passed, first trip home, first friend getting married, first friend having a baby, first, first, first.  They simply will never stop.

When I realized this I almost had a grief attack.  Then a calmness came over me.  It is ok. He will see everything, even if we can't see him.  It is ok, because as long as we continue to have those firsts, we are still alive.  It is ok, because Jared wants us to be happy and enjoy life.  It is ok.

I do look forward to the first time I see his beautiful face again.  I do look forward to the first time I feel him near me again.  I do look forward to the first time I smell him again.  I do look forward to the first......

I am not sure what other firsts are on the horizon, but I know I will be ok.  With Jared as my Keeper, I am ok.  I will continue to listen and be guided through my life by God and Jared.  Jared continues to say it is not my turn, so until it is, there is work to be done.

Why Are You In My Life

Have you ever asked yourself why someone was in your life?  Be it good or bad, people are in our lives for a reason.  Some to grant us peace when needed.  Some to help us grow in a way that we will need later in life.  Some to entertain us.

I have thought a lot about this subject recently.  I have talked about the dividers we place in our lives.  The divider of before and after graduation, the divider before and after I got married, the divider before and after I had children.  I have the divider, before and after Jared passed.  So I have been thinking about friends I had before and now.  I had friends that were casual friends that have become extremely close.  I have had stranger that are now a deep connection, I had close friends that stepped away and I had family members of Jared's who have completely disappeared.  Before that divider was placed, I might have cared about those who choose to walk away, but in some cases I find it a blessing.  I find it a disappointment for others, and I find it indifferent on others.

I have had many friends of Jared's become friends of mine and likewise become friends with their parents.  Some of these people I lived around for 14 years but we never took the time to get to know each other for one reason or another.  Some close friends of Jared's have stepped away to process their grief in isolation.  Some of my friends have been silent supporters with a hug when needed, be it cyber or in person, and some of my friends have stepped away because of fear of "if it could happen to you then it could happen to me" thoughts.

But I have been blessed with other friendships that have been connections on a much deeper level that was not present before.  Before they were casual friends that I would sit next to at soccer games, or occasionally chat with on Facebook.  They have shared stories and their loss.  It is a sorority of sorts that no one want to belong to.  I have had connections with people who were close or attempted to take their life at one point.

There are those that share their talents with you that you never knew they had.  There are those that run away because they don't want to be asked to help.

We live in a gated neighborhood here and to say we have upscale neighbors would be truthful.  I was befriended by a couple of ladies when I first moved here that have since gone into hiding.  It hurt at first but I was able to talk with one at a gathering on Halloween.  She explained they simply don't know what to say to me.  I told her, I am still the same person they knew before just broken.  I can still talk about things and I am happy to answer questions you may have.  Something else happened that night, our neighbor who was just a wave as we go by type neighbor, has become more.  They gave me a special gift of true friendship.  They don't treat me like I have the plague.  They treat me like a human mother that lost her child.  A hug each time we meet, followed by a heartfelt compliment that leads into a conversation about other aspects of life.

Today I spoke to another mother of loss.  She cried because she found someone else here who understands her pain as a mother.  It is difficult when you feel you have no one that understands near you.  She has been grieving in silence for four years now.  She didn't even know this event existed on Saturday until she saw a flyer at her place of employment.
I then had the pleasure of going to lunch with a young woman who we have had a casual friendship and our conversation turned into realizing we had more of a friendship than once realized.  One of intellectual conversations, laughs, and fun lunches.  I think there will be more to come.

I also have excepted the evil people who are in my life.  They too are there for a reason.  I think one reason is to make me appreciate all the wonderful people I have around me.  I used to feel sorry for some people because of different things, but I don't any longer.  I feel compassion, empathy, and understanding, but not sorry for anyone.  One of the conversations at lunch was we all have a story to tell.  Some people glue the dark pages together so they can't be read and others let those pages work in one of two ways.  Some choose to want exceptions made for them because of the path they have traveled and others let those pages remind them of how strong they really are.

Some of you who read this blog I know and some I do not.  But we have crossed paths for a reason.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

Anniversary

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of arriving on island.  I didn't realize it until mid afternoon.  We had relaxed in the morning and took Zoe our new fur-baby a long haired Chihuahua to the beach for the first time.  When we got home I was uploading the pictures to Facebook and up popped a picture that said One Year Ago.  It was a picture of Jared holding Poco in the Nashville airport as they were people watching.  That was Poco's first plane ride.  Then it hit me...hard, it was about that exact time that we landed on island.  Both of us full of excitement and yet tired from early morning to the airport with little sleep during the night and travel all day fatigue.  So what do I do .... CRY.

How is it that just one year ago 3 of us boarded a plane and now just I am here.  Why is that?  Why couldn't they still be here with me?  It isn't fair!  But I have always been told Life is NOT fair.  I am so torn everyday inside.  I believe in God and I know he is the only one keeping me moving forward in faith and knowing that I will be eternally with Jared in the future.  BUT WHY?  Together Jared and I had survived so much.  Together we had come so far.  Why not tell him in that moment he must stay and work with me to stop others?

We finished out the day together with smoked pork loin, one of Jared's favorite and a favorite among the family, with mashed potatoes and peas.  Watched our normal Sunday night TV and retired.  Being mentally and emotionally drained it was a quick drift to slumber land.  Oh how I wish Jared would have been with me yesterday.  He would so enjoy Zoe and he she would love him.  Although I know he is present and she can see him.  I know because she is playing with someone that I can't see and she is doing the exact same things Poco did with Jared when they played.  It warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.

Rich and I are doing well.  We continue to try to get out on a regular basis and enjoy life.  We are looking forward to upcoming visits to the states and those of family and friends here.  We are looking ahead to the busy season picking up because that means restaurants will open back up, Jump Ups, Boat Parades, and Carnival.  It will all be coming on.

I know I will struggle through this Holiday Season but I will also insure that Jared is still a part of it.  Happy tears and sad ones I know will be shed.  

I know this post is all over the place but I decided to leave it that way so you can understand how my brain works these days.  ADD would not even begin to describe it.  It is scattered, incoherent at times, and down right forgetful.  I write notes and hope I remember the notes or I am SOL.  I drive Rich and myself crazy at times because I forget to fill a glass with tea that I went to the kitchen for.  Or go to fold laundry and forget to go the laundry room before I get there.  It is terrible.  I know with each day it gets better but heck about the time it rebounds I will then start forgetting because of old age.

I am asked by many if I regret anything.  Hell yes!  Then I let it go.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't have regrets but at the end of each day I have none.  Why?  Because, if Jared would have said he didn't want to move here, I wouldn't have agreed.  If Jared did not like it here, he wouldn't have been here.  So while I have those moments of "I should have never gotten on the plane a year ago" moments, that is exactly what they are.....moments.  Because I am quickly filled with other feelings and knowledge that says different.

I pray each day we can stop suicide.  I know that is a long battle to win the war on.  But I feel it will be worth it.  I must try.

Kelsey is still going strong in Kingston Springs and she is moving mountains there!  In addition to all she has done she is organizing Red Night at the last home football game.  She is organizing the Nashville International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.  She is organizing the Spring Campus Walk to stop suicide.  And oh yes, she got the Keepers Club up and running at HHS and they have their first meeting today.  What can't this girl do?  I don't know but she keeps me motivated.  She gives me strength to fight this fight.  Jared has brought many friendships together over the years and in his passing but I have to say this friendship he brought together between Kelsey and I and her family is so special.

I encourage you to find an event near you for November 22.  You can find that http://www.survivorday.org/
Nashville and St. Croix should be listed soon.

Reflections on Suicide Prevention Month

It has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged because many wonderful things have been taking place.  When I returned from Nashville where we did the Out of the Darkness Walk for Jared, I have been preparing for my talk at Good Hope Country Day School here, preparing to bring our furbaby home, and taking care of all the administrative things that come along with filing appropriate documents to finalize the 501c3 packet.

I have reflected a lot during September on life with Jared.  I began with preparing for Suicide Prevention week with Kelsey and helping to get items ordered and delivered in time for her to spread the message to the students at HHS.  I then had to pack and fly on World Suicide Prevention Day which ironically was the 4th anniversary of Jared's Dad's suicide.  I finished that week with friends of Jared's surrounding me with love.  I celebrated HHS Homecoming and watched tearfully as the Senior Float went by with Jared's name on it.  I finished out that week walking with the largest team who raised the most money and recognizing a beautiful young lady who is well on her way to becoming one amazing woman.  I am proud she has agreed to work with me hand in hand and side by side to stop suicide.  We all gathered up the next day and headed off to St. Louis where we were acknowledged on the score board numerous times with Jared's Keepers and an in memory of Jared Martin.  It was extra special as I wore his Molina jersey to the stadium.

As I flew back I wore my Out Of The Darkness t-shirt and my Jared's Keepers ribbon along with my stop suicide bracelet next to my Jared Michael Martin bracelet.  I was asked about them and passed out cards and spread the word throughout my travels of Jared and how we are trying to stop the stigma and suicide.  Many kind souls crossed my path that day.

When I arrived home, I had hugs waiting for me from my hubby.  Wow how I had missed those.  He had followed everything through Facebook and text messages.  We talked and caught up on our week and shared tears as well.

Rich had to then take off for work and I had to talk to the kids at Good Hope.  It was sponsored by SADD and they did a fantastic job.  I followed the counselor who spoke about suicide myths and facts so the students were prepared.  As I watched them throughout her talk I noticed some dazing off and some dozing off.  So I was preparing myself for what was to come.  When I took the stage, I felt a hug.  I felt a whisper in the ear to say tell them mom, tell them not to do what I did.  So I spoke, no notes, just spoke from the heart.  As I began the SADD members helped me out and each minute one came up and stood in front of the stage.  About 15 minutes in I stopped because by this time the students were picking up on them standing.  So I began to ask them why those kids were there.  Mouths dropped by students and teachers as I began to give them statistics.

1 suicide every minute somewhere in the World = each student represented this
1 represented a Soldier or Veteran who took their life = 1 each hour
1 represented a teen (15-24)
1 represented a medical professional (Dr, Nurse, EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, Police)

I then asked them if there was anyone in that Pavilion I had not touched with those statistics.  Is there anyone here who isn't related to or plan on becoming one of those professionals?
No one raised their hands.

I also noticed tears from some flowing,  But I noticed not a single person was zoned out or dozed off.

I finished the talk and told my story of being Jared's Mom and creating the foundation and how I had been coping since June.  I was greeted with hugs....Oh how I love hugs.
The assembly finished with the students adding new links to the Chain of Life.  What a great idea!  It is a chain that hangs in the library with each student and teachers name on it.  They talk about how that chain and the links in it represent them.  If one link breaks it can be repaired but the chain is never the same.  Each link has each students name and a message they wrote to themselves.  What a great idea for everyone to implement.

I then left to go visit our new furbaby as she was just waking from her surgery where she got her tubes tied and her ID chip implanted.  It was a surreal hour to hold a precious gift from God.  I then returned home to prepare to get her the next morning.....first thing.

Little Miss Zoe came home the next morning and she and I had a couple of days to ourselves that allowed her to get to know the house and me.  She was quiet and timid but not anymore.  She bounces around with energy bursts.  She gets to running so fast that she slides on the marble floors and whips her hind end around to get ready to take off again.  What fun she is bringing to the once quiet house.

I was asked to return back out to GHCDS on Friday afternoon where the students planted a tree above the soccer field overlooking the goal in memory of Jared.  They chose a Clusia Rosea or Autograph Tree.  It is named that because you can write on the leaves and it stays forever!  The tree rarely looses leaves and especially in this climate.  So I began and wrote....I will love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I am living, My baby you will be.  Love Mom.    Everyone else followed, including teachers.  It was so emotional.

I have had 3 encouters with Jared this month.  The first was when Kelsey and I had dinner in Nashville and our waiter was Jared.  Our Jared told Kelsey many times how he couldn't wait for us to meet and how I would like her.....he was right.  The next was as I walked to the pavilion to talk at GHCDS and a young bouncy boy came running in front of me....none other than Jared.  And yesterday at the store that brought tears to my eyes in the store as a water toy had a picture of what could have been him on it.  It was unbelievable.  He is here with me every day.

I hope to blog more regularly but I must focus on the Foundation and things are happening quickly.  I do hope that you all will find a World Survivor Walk on November 22 to be a part of.  It is not just suicide.  Participate, and be kind to each other.

I close with a request for prayers for those who struggle each day with depression and suicidal thoughts, prayers for those left behind who struggle each day with a piece of their heart gone, and prayers for humanity.

Jared's Signature from Freshman year that has been used on every float for the class of 2015.  Left side of 2

Fly High Jared

Photo before we lead the Nashville Out of the Darkness Walk

More of our group as we finished the walk

Coming to the finish line 2.2 miles

St. Louis Cardinal Game

My HS Band Director Paula and me.  She coordinated the Cardinal Game Tickets and Board.

The Autograph Tree above the GHCDS Soccer Field

Zoe and me

Zoe

Jared?

Being Jared's Mom Still

I landed in Nashville around 11pm central time on Wednesday.  This was the 4th anniversary of Dan's suicide.  I had an experience on my flight from Miami to Nashville that was amazing.  See I have let Jared sit next to the window so he could see out for his entire life.  I was usually in the middle.  For reasons unknown but welcomed, our plane was relatively empty.  In fact most of us had an entire row to ourselves.  So shortly after take off.....slide over to the window and stretched my feet out on the other two seats and began to read.  For whatever reason, my mind began to drift from what I was reading into memories of traveling with Jared.  Then I felt a weight lean against my arm and on my shoulder....the same weight I would feel as he would fall asleep and lean on me during flight.  I could feel him with me.  I talked to him and before long we were laughing and he said look at this mom..... The next thing I knew I was sharing a familiar game with him we had played throughout his life....what does that cloud look like....except it was the lights below.  We saw anchors, octopus, pirate ships, stars, horse, and much, much more.  Before I knew it the they are preparing to land in Nashville.  I heard him say to me...I must go for a while but enjoy for me.  WOW what he had in store for me.  I thought I was the one who was going to give the surprises.
Thursday Melanie and I got up and began running like a couple of teenage girls who just got their drivers license.  We stopped by the high school so I could talk with the principal.  I wanted to talk to him and thank him personally for being supportive of Kelsey.  I shared surprises that were about to take place with him and he was impressed and became a bigger supporter of the cause.  After tears and hugs with two of the kids who saw me in the office we were off and running.  Shopping for the new Fur Baby coming home mostly and some shopping she needed to do as well.  We had lunch together and then a stealth like arrival at the girls soccer game.  I left the stands during the first half to talk to some friends running the score board.  Half-time!  Here comes the girls to the goal near us.  Double looks shot my way and then tears began to fall......not mine.....theirs.  I feared I had just messed with their game but I had no idea what was to come.  The second half was AWESOME.  Those girls played so hard.  They won 3-2 over a team who did not make it easy.  In fact they tried every dirty, but legal, tactic to keep them from the win.  After the game and the coaches talk, here they came one by one.  Each the same, tears, hugs, apology for being stinky and sweaty, and I Love You Miss Debbie's.....can't get enough of those (even the stinky sweaty hugs).  After the game I kept hearing the parents say that was the best they have played all year.  Well, they had an Angel coaching them from above.  As I cuddled under the covers I began to get messages from the girls.  Many said they were sorry they didn't talk more but they didn't want to cry in front of me and upset me.  2 girls said they played so hard the second half for me and for Jared.  While that is sweet, it clearly was more for Jared, I was just a physical reminder of the determination he kept reminding them of.  Jared had served as their assistant in Middle School and was always there to help train their keeper.
We made our way from the field out to the senior float building location.  While I was invited out to surprise the class, I was the one surprised.  I had gotten a couple of text messages while sitting in the Miami airport of the "senior" sign on the float.  They had included Jared with "fly high Jared" written in balloon letters.  So there I am looking at this amazing float they had built and with a deep breath to the back I went with a friend who didn't realize they had done that.  While looking at another sign that said 2015 I saw a student that left to do online schooling.  I said, "Oh I didn't know he was back this year".  Lisa said, "he isn't this is from their Freshman year they keep reusing it."  I am sure my face was the look of shock.  What?!  Sure enough....there he was.  His signature right there.  Tears fell and I couldn't stop them.  I spent some time talking with the kids and we all headed home to get some rest.
Friday was Homecoming.  Again we were off and running to prepare items that we needed to get for the kids.  More shopping for Zoe the new Fur-Baby.  Then it is time for the parade.  I did well until....yes....the senior float came down the road.  The theme was Greek Gods and the Seniors got Hades.  The back float with flames surrounding it and a moving devil with evil black creatures with lit up red eyes came out of hell to deliver a defeat to the other team.  Smoke from hell poured off the float and then.....the back.  I could hear...that is pretty fricken cool mom.  I closed my eyes and said it sure is Jared.  This class worked hard each year and every year had been disqualified.  Last year Jared was so upset over the call...this year.....that kid was not going to let it even be a close call.  An Angel from above helped insure a win for the class....his class.  Well that was sealed when they float won.  I was so proud of the kids.
I met up with Kelsey, who I had tried to stay away from because I had a surprise for her that was getting harder and harder to keep.  I didn't want to spoil it but IT WAS HARD!  Little did we realize she was sitting 3 rows behind us.  LOL  Kelsey came down and we hugged and began to talk.  She was upset because they had announced that it was child cancer awareness month and she said they should announce it is suicide prevention month too.  Sitting in front of us was the guidance counselor and she turned to Kelsey and said, go tell them.  They will announce it.  After some support and encouragement, she marched up there and let them know it.  A friend who lost her husband, a former soccer coach to Jared, to suicide a little more than a year ago, had come to hug me and talk for a moment and then the announcement came.  Well it was a little more than what I expected.  She had also told them that I was there and for people to stop and say hello to me.  I hugged many friends and parents.  Some people said I thought that was you....LOL.  After shared tears between my survivor friend and I  we continued to watch the game.
During the second half I ended up down by the float, can't remember why now, but then some other parents said well this panel is their Junior year on the other side.  Sure enough the men took it off and there it was....his signature just before we moved to St. Croix.  Parents promised that none of them would be destroyed and one they would each be hung up in barns of parents.  The game ended and we all headed to get some rest because tomorrow we would be a big day.
It is WALK DAY.  It was a drizzly day and like other days I gave him orders for him and the other Angels were to help stop the rain and give good conditions for the walk.  It was beautiful.  Photos were placed on the wall that we brought.  I wrote a message to him and Dan on the wall.  Then off to the registration desk to check in.  The whirlwind then began.  We got beads that were color coded with significance by those who were lost.  I wore Blue for supporter/survivor, White for loss of child, Red for loss of spouse/partner (ex), and purple for loss of friend.  It was then that I realized this is too Damn many lost.  We then continued on and looked at silent auction items and came to the tree....a beautiful large canvas that was a leafless tree that we added leaves to.  We wrote messages on leaves and they hot glued them to the tree.  I wrote to Dan and Jared....together a father and son in Heaven.
It is now time for the surprises....I was asked to give my story...well that is what Kelsey thought.  While my story is very much her story too.  See my story began with June 14th turning from a day of tragedy into a day that a friendship was developing between two women that Jared wanted to meet but hadn't yet had the opportunity to do so.  I told of how we had three services in three geographical areas.  I told of how a young lady had sold bracelets, organized a soccer game and then one night within a couple of days of me returning to St. Croix had created a team to walk in Nashville.  After thorough research of the charity I gave permission to move forward with Jared's Keepers.  I told of her tenacity and "won't take no" attitude.  I told of how she, single handedly, has been able to tear down barriers and will now get the More Than Sad program in to HHS.  I told of how she handed out ribbons and cards with life savors on them for prevention week.  And then.....I asked her to join me on stage.  I told how out of the name of our team and Kelsey's determination to help stop suicide, a Foundation was formed.  It was only natural to call it the same.  And foundations have officers and that I felt she needed to be a significant part of that foundation and with the blessing of her parents she was being named as the Director of Student Outreach for Jared's Keepers Foundation.  She was shocked.  With nearly 60 walkers present we were asked to lead the walk and we gladly accepted.  The ceremony continued and we blew bubbles as they played music.  I cried but managed to hold it together.  They then had a prayer and the female minister began by acknowledging me as a strong woman she admired because she lost her son 13 years ago and it is still very raw.  That is when I lost it.  Melanie reached out and held me and another sweet friend was touching my shoulder.  I heard Jared say to me, Mom you deserve for the world to know how good you have always been to me.  I love you.  Well I lost it worse.  Pull it together was the only thing I could think of.  It is time to walk.  We quickly posed for a photo with our group and then we took off.  2.2 miles later after enjoying the peaceful sounds of Historic Music Row, we headed down for pizza and fellowship.
I visited with friends who made the day special for me.  I had a high school classmate and his wife drive 6 hours to walk with us.  I enjoyed catching up with them.
After the events we came back and a quick nap was had by all.  Then it was off for a little shopping Mel had to get done.  Back to the house and ready for a trip to St. Louis to watch the Cardinal game.
Early Sunday we were all up and running.  7 of us drove from Tennessee to St. Louis.  We met up with a childhood friend who lives in St. Louis and my high school band director and the school librarian met us there.  My former band director had been the one that coordinated the tickets.  I knew she asked for them to recognize us on the score board but a "in memory of Jared Martin" appeared and then we had a "Cardinals Welcomes Jared's Keepers" not just once.....MANY times!  It was amazing and to watch Kelsey light up was all worth it.  The kids got to go to the Arch and get pictures.
This has been such a healing trip for me.  I feel close to Jared and I know he is here with these kids.  I wish I could see his beautiful face and hear his laugh in real life but I hear it in spirit all the time.  Life has much more in store for me and I know Jared has much more for me to accomplish before I go to heaven.  But I do hope that he will visit one day soon and tell me all about it and what it looks like and what all he has been doing.....like he always did.