I had to take Zoe to the Vet today for a regular puppy shot and the Vet asked me how I was doing. We talked a little and she knows the whole story. She was the one who put Poco to sleep just days after Jared took his life. She is kind to all but I think she has additional kindness for me. She said she is beginning to see life back in my eyes and especially when I look at Zoe.
This really made me think about things on my drive home from her office. I have said since my divorce there is one person in your life you must admit everything to and be 100% real with.....yourself. I tell everyone who asks, I am getting a little stronger everyday. That is true, but I have days that feel like it did just "that" day. I have moments and afternoons, and mornings that can be that same way. I see Jared everywhere, in things I do, places I go, and around the house. I catch glimpses, hear his voice, and catch his scent. Seem crazy?
I still have trouble remembering things, like why did I just walk into this room. That look I get from Rich when I have returned from the kitchen without tea....ummm dear did you forget me tea? Guess so. My attention span is short. Beauty in nature catches my eye a lot easier, and Zoe is a priority. Spending time with people has also become important to me. I really enjoy just being around people even if I am not talking to them. Sometime I find myself just enjoying them enjoying life.
I enjoy talking with Jared a lot. He still appears to me often. He still visits and plays with Zoe. He is very much guiding me with the foundation and telling me what I need to be doing.
Life can throw you curve balls you never dream of. I have found it so important not to dwell on what I don't have but what I do have. Even Jared. What I don't have is him physically. What I do have is him spiritually and in a few years (speaking in eternity form) I will be with him for eternity. Isn't that a great thought? FOR EVER! Beyond all fathomable numbers.....as Buzz Lightyear would say....to Infinity and Beyond.
I read an article today from a woman who lost her husband to suicide years ago and the 2 things she did not do at the time that changed the course of her grief path. 1 she refused guilt. I did that too. I agree with her article, we don't need to feel guilty we did everything we could do to help our loved one. I know that Jared would not want me to feel guilty. We actually talked about several months ago after he attempted suicide. He opened up to me about a great deal of what he was feeling inside and why he wanted to do it. I worked until the end to change his mind on why staying was a better choice.
2 she refuses to ask why. Well I didn't refuse, I pretty much knew why but found out much more later. But she learned this in a class as she and her husband were going through a divorce and just as in divorce, you will never really get a clear cut answer on why.
I have gotten to the point today where I can be support for others. I can support myself, most of the time. I find happiness in life. But not going to lie.....I would just be fine without the holidays ahead. Zoe will be traveling with me and I will enjoy watching her experience so much from airplane rides to Christmas lights and possibly snow.
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