Anniversary

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of arriving on island.  I didn't realize it until mid afternoon.  We had relaxed in the morning and took Zoe our new fur-baby a long haired Chihuahua to the beach for the first time.  When we got home I was uploading the pictures to Facebook and up popped a picture that said One Year Ago.  It was a picture of Jared holding Poco in the Nashville airport as they were people watching.  That was Poco's first plane ride.  Then it hit me...hard, it was about that exact time that we landed on island.  Both of us full of excitement and yet tired from early morning to the airport with little sleep during the night and travel all day fatigue.  So what do I do .... CRY.

How is it that just one year ago 3 of us boarded a plane and now just I am here.  Why is that?  Why couldn't they still be here with me?  It isn't fair!  But I have always been told Life is NOT fair.  I am so torn everyday inside.  I believe in God and I know he is the only one keeping me moving forward in faith and knowing that I will be eternally with Jared in the future.  BUT WHY?  Together Jared and I had survived so much.  Together we had come so far.  Why not tell him in that moment he must stay and work with me to stop others?

We finished out the day together with smoked pork loin, one of Jared's favorite and a favorite among the family, with mashed potatoes and peas.  Watched our normal Sunday night TV and retired.  Being mentally and emotionally drained it was a quick drift to slumber land.  Oh how I wish Jared would have been with me yesterday.  He would so enjoy Zoe and he she would love him.  Although I know he is present and she can see him.  I know because she is playing with someone that I can't see and she is doing the exact same things Poco did with Jared when they played.  It warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.

Rich and I are doing well.  We continue to try to get out on a regular basis and enjoy life.  We are looking forward to upcoming visits to the states and those of family and friends here.  We are looking ahead to the busy season picking up because that means restaurants will open back up, Jump Ups, Boat Parades, and Carnival.  It will all be coming on.

I know I will struggle through this Holiday Season but I will also insure that Jared is still a part of it.  Happy tears and sad ones I know will be shed.  

I know this post is all over the place but I decided to leave it that way so you can understand how my brain works these days.  ADD would not even begin to describe it.  It is scattered, incoherent at times, and down right forgetful.  I write notes and hope I remember the notes or I am SOL.  I drive Rich and myself crazy at times because I forget to fill a glass with tea that I went to the kitchen for.  Or go to fold laundry and forget to go the laundry room before I get there.  It is terrible.  I know with each day it gets better but heck about the time it rebounds I will then start forgetting because of old age.

I am asked by many if I regret anything.  Hell yes!  Then I let it go.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't have regrets but at the end of each day I have none.  Why?  Because, if Jared would have said he didn't want to move here, I wouldn't have agreed.  If Jared did not like it here, he wouldn't have been here.  So while I have those moments of "I should have never gotten on the plane a year ago" moments, that is exactly what they are.....moments.  Because I am quickly filled with other feelings and knowledge that says different.

I pray each day we can stop suicide.  I know that is a long battle to win the war on.  But I feel it will be worth it.  I must try.

Kelsey is still going strong in Kingston Springs and she is moving mountains there!  In addition to all she has done she is organizing Red Night at the last home football game.  She is organizing the Nashville International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.  She is organizing the Spring Campus Walk to stop suicide.  And oh yes, she got the Keepers Club up and running at HHS and they have their first meeting today.  What can't this girl do?  I don't know but she keeps me motivated.  She gives me strength to fight this fight.  Jared has brought many friendships together over the years and in his passing but I have to say this friendship he brought together between Kelsey and I and her family is so special.

I encourage you to find an event near you for November 22.  You can find that http://www.survivorday.org/
Nashville and St. Croix should be listed soon.

Reflections on Suicide Prevention Month

It has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged because many wonderful things have been taking place.  When I returned from Nashville where we did the Out of the Darkness Walk for Jared, I have been preparing for my talk at Good Hope Country Day School here, preparing to bring our furbaby home, and taking care of all the administrative things that come along with filing appropriate documents to finalize the 501c3 packet.

I have reflected a lot during September on life with Jared.  I began with preparing for Suicide Prevention week with Kelsey and helping to get items ordered and delivered in time for her to spread the message to the students at HHS.  I then had to pack and fly on World Suicide Prevention Day which ironically was the 4th anniversary of Jared's Dad's suicide.  I finished that week with friends of Jared's surrounding me with love.  I celebrated HHS Homecoming and watched tearfully as the Senior Float went by with Jared's name on it.  I finished out that week walking with the largest team who raised the most money and recognizing a beautiful young lady who is well on her way to becoming one amazing woman.  I am proud she has agreed to work with me hand in hand and side by side to stop suicide.  We all gathered up the next day and headed off to St. Louis where we were acknowledged on the score board numerous times with Jared's Keepers and an in memory of Jared Martin.  It was extra special as I wore his Molina jersey to the stadium.

As I flew back I wore my Out Of The Darkness t-shirt and my Jared's Keepers ribbon along with my stop suicide bracelet next to my Jared Michael Martin bracelet.  I was asked about them and passed out cards and spread the word throughout my travels of Jared and how we are trying to stop the stigma and suicide.  Many kind souls crossed my path that day.

When I arrived home, I had hugs waiting for me from my hubby.  Wow how I had missed those.  He had followed everything through Facebook and text messages.  We talked and caught up on our week and shared tears as well.

Rich had to then take off for work and I had to talk to the kids at Good Hope.  It was sponsored by SADD and they did a fantastic job.  I followed the counselor who spoke about suicide myths and facts so the students were prepared.  As I watched them throughout her talk I noticed some dazing off and some dozing off.  So I was preparing myself for what was to come.  When I took the stage, I felt a hug.  I felt a whisper in the ear to say tell them mom, tell them not to do what I did.  So I spoke, no notes, just spoke from the heart.  As I began the SADD members helped me out and each minute one came up and stood in front of the stage.  About 15 minutes in I stopped because by this time the students were picking up on them standing.  So I began to ask them why those kids were there.  Mouths dropped by students and teachers as I began to give them statistics.

1 suicide every minute somewhere in the World = each student represented this
1 represented a Soldier or Veteran who took their life = 1 each hour
1 represented a teen (15-24)
1 represented a medical professional (Dr, Nurse, EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, Police)

I then asked them if there was anyone in that Pavilion I had not touched with those statistics.  Is there anyone here who isn't related to or plan on becoming one of those professionals?
No one raised their hands.

I also noticed tears from some flowing,  But I noticed not a single person was zoned out or dozed off.

I finished the talk and told my story of being Jared's Mom and creating the foundation and how I had been coping since June.  I was greeted with hugs....Oh how I love hugs.
The assembly finished with the students adding new links to the Chain of Life.  What a great idea!  It is a chain that hangs in the library with each student and teachers name on it.  They talk about how that chain and the links in it represent them.  If one link breaks it can be repaired but the chain is never the same.  Each link has each students name and a message they wrote to themselves.  What a great idea for everyone to implement.

I then left to go visit our new furbaby as she was just waking from her surgery where she got her tubes tied and her ID chip implanted.  It was a surreal hour to hold a precious gift from God.  I then returned home to prepare to get her the next morning.....first thing.

Little Miss Zoe came home the next morning and she and I had a couple of days to ourselves that allowed her to get to know the house and me.  She was quiet and timid but not anymore.  She bounces around with energy bursts.  She gets to running so fast that she slides on the marble floors and whips her hind end around to get ready to take off again.  What fun she is bringing to the once quiet house.

I was asked to return back out to GHCDS on Friday afternoon where the students planted a tree above the soccer field overlooking the goal in memory of Jared.  They chose a Clusia Rosea or Autograph Tree.  It is named that because you can write on the leaves and it stays forever!  The tree rarely looses leaves and especially in this climate.  So I began and wrote....I will love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I am living, My baby you will be.  Love Mom.    Everyone else followed, including teachers.  It was so emotional.

I have had 3 encouters with Jared this month.  The first was when Kelsey and I had dinner in Nashville and our waiter was Jared.  Our Jared told Kelsey many times how he couldn't wait for us to meet and how I would like her.....he was right.  The next was as I walked to the pavilion to talk at GHCDS and a young bouncy boy came running in front of me....none other than Jared.  And yesterday at the store that brought tears to my eyes in the store as a water toy had a picture of what could have been him on it.  It was unbelievable.  He is here with me every day.

I hope to blog more regularly but I must focus on the Foundation and things are happening quickly.  I do hope that you all will find a World Survivor Walk on November 22 to be a part of.  It is not just suicide.  Participate, and be kind to each other.

I close with a request for prayers for those who struggle each day with depression and suicidal thoughts, prayers for those left behind who struggle each day with a piece of their heart gone, and prayers for humanity.

Jared's Signature from Freshman year that has been used on every float for the class of 2015.  Left side of 2

Fly High Jared

Photo before we lead the Nashville Out of the Darkness Walk

More of our group as we finished the walk

Coming to the finish line 2.2 miles

St. Louis Cardinal Game

My HS Band Director Paula and me.  She coordinated the Cardinal Game Tickets and Board.

The Autograph Tree above the GHCDS Soccer Field

Zoe and me

Zoe

Jared?

Being Jared's Mom Still

I landed in Nashville around 11pm central time on Wednesday.  This was the 4th anniversary of Dan's suicide.  I had an experience on my flight from Miami to Nashville that was amazing.  See I have let Jared sit next to the window so he could see out for his entire life.  I was usually in the middle.  For reasons unknown but welcomed, our plane was relatively empty.  In fact most of us had an entire row to ourselves.  So shortly after take off.....slide over to the window and stretched my feet out on the other two seats and began to read.  For whatever reason, my mind began to drift from what I was reading into memories of traveling with Jared.  Then I felt a weight lean against my arm and on my shoulder....the same weight I would feel as he would fall asleep and lean on me during flight.  I could feel him with me.  I talked to him and before long we were laughing and he said look at this mom..... The next thing I knew I was sharing a familiar game with him we had played throughout his life....what does that cloud look like....except it was the lights below.  We saw anchors, octopus, pirate ships, stars, horse, and much, much more.  Before I knew it the they are preparing to land in Nashville.  I heard him say to me...I must go for a while but enjoy for me.  WOW what he had in store for me.  I thought I was the one who was going to give the surprises.
Thursday Melanie and I got up and began running like a couple of teenage girls who just got their drivers license.  We stopped by the high school so I could talk with the principal.  I wanted to talk to him and thank him personally for being supportive of Kelsey.  I shared surprises that were about to take place with him and he was impressed and became a bigger supporter of the cause.  After tears and hugs with two of the kids who saw me in the office we were off and running.  Shopping for the new Fur Baby coming home mostly and some shopping she needed to do as well.  We had lunch together and then a stealth like arrival at the girls soccer game.  I left the stands during the first half to talk to some friends running the score board.  Half-time!  Here comes the girls to the goal near us.  Double looks shot my way and then tears began to fall......not mine.....theirs.  I feared I had just messed with their game but I had no idea what was to come.  The second half was AWESOME.  Those girls played so hard.  They won 3-2 over a team who did not make it easy.  In fact they tried every dirty, but legal, tactic to keep them from the win.  After the game and the coaches talk, here they came one by one.  Each the same, tears, hugs, apology for being stinky and sweaty, and I Love You Miss Debbie's.....can't get enough of those (even the stinky sweaty hugs).  After the game I kept hearing the parents say that was the best they have played all year.  Well, they had an Angel coaching them from above.  As I cuddled under the covers I began to get messages from the girls.  Many said they were sorry they didn't talk more but they didn't want to cry in front of me and upset me.  2 girls said they played so hard the second half for me and for Jared.  While that is sweet, it clearly was more for Jared, I was just a physical reminder of the determination he kept reminding them of.  Jared had served as their assistant in Middle School and was always there to help train their keeper.
We made our way from the field out to the senior float building location.  While I was invited out to surprise the class, I was the one surprised.  I had gotten a couple of text messages while sitting in the Miami airport of the "senior" sign on the float.  They had included Jared with "fly high Jared" written in balloon letters.  So there I am looking at this amazing float they had built and with a deep breath to the back I went with a friend who didn't realize they had done that.  While looking at another sign that said 2015 I saw a student that left to do online schooling.  I said, "Oh I didn't know he was back this year".  Lisa said, "he isn't this is from their Freshman year they keep reusing it."  I am sure my face was the look of shock.  What?!  Sure enough....there he was.  His signature right there.  Tears fell and I couldn't stop them.  I spent some time talking with the kids and we all headed home to get some rest.
Friday was Homecoming.  Again we were off and running to prepare items that we needed to get for the kids.  More shopping for Zoe the new Fur-Baby.  Then it is time for the parade.  I did well until....yes....the senior float came down the road.  The theme was Greek Gods and the Seniors got Hades.  The back float with flames surrounding it and a moving devil with evil black creatures with lit up red eyes came out of hell to deliver a defeat to the other team.  Smoke from hell poured off the float and then.....the back.  I could hear...that is pretty fricken cool mom.  I closed my eyes and said it sure is Jared.  This class worked hard each year and every year had been disqualified.  Last year Jared was so upset over the call...this year.....that kid was not going to let it even be a close call.  An Angel from above helped insure a win for the class....his class.  Well that was sealed when they float won.  I was so proud of the kids.
I met up with Kelsey, who I had tried to stay away from because I had a surprise for her that was getting harder and harder to keep.  I didn't want to spoil it but IT WAS HARD!  Little did we realize she was sitting 3 rows behind us.  LOL  Kelsey came down and we hugged and began to talk.  She was upset because they had announced that it was child cancer awareness month and she said they should announce it is suicide prevention month too.  Sitting in front of us was the guidance counselor and she turned to Kelsey and said, go tell them.  They will announce it.  After some support and encouragement, she marched up there and let them know it.  A friend who lost her husband, a former soccer coach to Jared, to suicide a little more than a year ago, had come to hug me and talk for a moment and then the announcement came.  Well it was a little more than what I expected.  She had also told them that I was there and for people to stop and say hello to me.  I hugged many friends and parents.  Some people said I thought that was you....LOL.  After shared tears between my survivor friend and I  we continued to watch the game.
During the second half I ended up down by the float, can't remember why now, but then some other parents said well this panel is their Junior year on the other side.  Sure enough the men took it off and there it was....his signature just before we moved to St. Croix.  Parents promised that none of them would be destroyed and one they would each be hung up in barns of parents.  The game ended and we all headed to get some rest because tomorrow we would be a big day.
It is WALK DAY.  It was a drizzly day and like other days I gave him orders for him and the other Angels were to help stop the rain and give good conditions for the walk.  It was beautiful.  Photos were placed on the wall that we brought.  I wrote a message to him and Dan on the wall.  Then off to the registration desk to check in.  The whirlwind then began.  We got beads that were color coded with significance by those who were lost.  I wore Blue for supporter/survivor, White for loss of child, Red for loss of spouse/partner (ex), and purple for loss of friend.  It was then that I realized this is too Damn many lost.  We then continued on and looked at silent auction items and came to the tree....a beautiful large canvas that was a leafless tree that we added leaves to.  We wrote messages on leaves and they hot glued them to the tree.  I wrote to Dan and Jared....together a father and son in Heaven.
It is now time for the surprises....I was asked to give my story...well that is what Kelsey thought.  While my story is very much her story too.  See my story began with June 14th turning from a day of tragedy into a day that a friendship was developing between two women that Jared wanted to meet but hadn't yet had the opportunity to do so.  I told of how we had three services in three geographical areas.  I told of how a young lady had sold bracelets, organized a soccer game and then one night within a couple of days of me returning to St. Croix had created a team to walk in Nashville.  After thorough research of the charity I gave permission to move forward with Jared's Keepers.  I told of her tenacity and "won't take no" attitude.  I told of how she, single handedly, has been able to tear down barriers and will now get the More Than Sad program in to HHS.  I told of how she handed out ribbons and cards with life savors on them for prevention week.  And then.....I asked her to join me on stage.  I told how out of the name of our team and Kelsey's determination to help stop suicide, a Foundation was formed.  It was only natural to call it the same.  And foundations have officers and that I felt she needed to be a significant part of that foundation and with the blessing of her parents she was being named as the Director of Student Outreach for Jared's Keepers Foundation.  She was shocked.  With nearly 60 walkers present we were asked to lead the walk and we gladly accepted.  The ceremony continued and we blew bubbles as they played music.  I cried but managed to hold it together.  They then had a prayer and the female minister began by acknowledging me as a strong woman she admired because she lost her son 13 years ago and it is still very raw.  That is when I lost it.  Melanie reached out and held me and another sweet friend was touching my shoulder.  I heard Jared say to me, Mom you deserve for the world to know how good you have always been to me.  I love you.  Well I lost it worse.  Pull it together was the only thing I could think of.  It is time to walk.  We quickly posed for a photo with our group and then we took off.  2.2 miles later after enjoying the peaceful sounds of Historic Music Row, we headed down for pizza and fellowship.
I visited with friends who made the day special for me.  I had a high school classmate and his wife drive 6 hours to walk with us.  I enjoyed catching up with them.
After the events we came back and a quick nap was had by all.  Then it was off for a little shopping Mel had to get done.  Back to the house and ready for a trip to St. Louis to watch the Cardinal game.
Early Sunday we were all up and running.  7 of us drove from Tennessee to St. Louis.  We met up with a childhood friend who lives in St. Louis and my high school band director and the school librarian met us there.  My former band director had been the one that coordinated the tickets.  I knew she asked for them to recognize us on the score board but a "in memory of Jared Martin" appeared and then we had a "Cardinals Welcomes Jared's Keepers" not just once.....MANY times!  It was amazing and to watch Kelsey light up was all worth it.  The kids got to go to the Arch and get pictures.
This has been such a healing trip for me.  I feel close to Jared and I know he is here with these kids.  I wish I could see his beautiful face and hear his laugh in real life but I hear it in spirit all the time.  Life has much more in store for me and I know Jared has much more for me to accomplish before I go to heaven.  But I do hope that he will visit one day soon and tell me all about it and what it looks like and what all he has been doing.....like he always did.