In the early morning hours today, Tropical Storm Bertha visited the Virgin Islands. I did not get much rest because of the overwhelming anxiety that accompanied the first storm on island. Like so many other experiences since June 14TH, the anxiety was worse than the experience. We had a young man who also took refuge here to insure safety, he had become known as our island son after he ranked a friend. He has an amazing story of his own and continues to inspire me not to allow myself to become bitter and hard hearted. If anyone should be, he should be, but instead he is extremely kind hearted. Was this part of my anxiety? Having someone I now feel responsible for the safety of? I don't know but looking back on it, this is all I can come up with.
I wonder every day how I am going to make it but today there was additional reasoning. I enjoyed sitting at the table having breakfast and again at lunch. Sitting at the table hasn't happened here since That Morning. I guess making it through the storm was a testament that I will be fine but just like the storm today there will be calm winds, no winds, strong winds, light rain, no rain, heavy rains, and moments of sunshine. Perhaps what I realized tonight as we drive home after having dinner on the Boardwalk, there will be beautiful life after the storm. As we drove home we saw birds playing in the dusk, egrets out for fresh bugs, frogs and toads everywhere, a crab walking down the road (not sure about where he thought he was going lol), and as we turned towards our house there was a doe mixing on our flowering bushes and her fawn standing across the road. As we pulled slowly in the drive to avoid the fawn we also had to navigate around the dozens of frogs and toads. During the calm periods during the storm, we were blessed with hummingbirds and lizards.
I remember the year after Jared's Dad and I were married our neighbor next door lost a huge old tree. Our neighbor across the street also lost a large old tree. But she was the first one out after they fell. She was so worried because a nest off newborn squirrels were in the tree and she was worried about them. I thought at the time how does she know this and why does she care? She had come close to death. .. that is why. I didn't understand being a young woman starting my life why she knew every nest of wildlife in the neighborhood. I understand now. When you suffer a loss that cuts so deep you tend to notice beauty in everything. You tend to care a little more about every living being. Drama fades into the background into the file of I don't give a shit. Love and caring about people is first and front. I have found when drama starts to creep into my space I step away from it.
I had a friend ask me this week for advice on a relationship. I looked at her and said, I no longer have a filter. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. If you really want that kind of an opinion you may ask again. If you don't ask I won't be upset. She asked again. ... and she got my unfiltered opinion. In short it was this. ... She knew what her man was about and how he behaved. Likewise he knew the same about her. They need to figure it out or get away from one another because fighting and telling everyone around about the issues is not healthy. Relationships are like the weather they will change and you have to be ready and roll with it.
We have friends that live on their boats. Some made it ok and others left in fear. Symbolic of life and grief I think.
I know my life boat occasionally takes on water. I bail it out and keep on floating. Some days I hold on tight. .. very tight. Other days I sit back and relax and allow myself to be soothed by the motion.
I am not sure what all the future has in store but I will do my best to hang on, keep the water bailed out, and share my raft if needed.
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