I can see clearly now. ...a line in a song that was one of the first songs I could listen to after Dan and I separated. It was many months before I could listen to the radio. My music was toddler cassette tapes in the van. As I have learned, I was grieving the loss of my marriage and family unit.
I was thinking about random things today as they popped into my head. My first airplane ride with Jared. Taking him to Disney World and having him take in all he could. His first cruise and how he loved everything and wanted to do everything. How we came home with a couple dozen drink umbrellas of a rainbow of colors.
As I cooked dinner and was writing items on the shopping list that I was getting low on or just ran out of, I realized how much clearer life was beginning to be. Less than two months ago I couldn't stand long enough to read a recipe, let alone fix dinner. Now I am strong enough to wash dishes, fix a meal, respond to text messages, update shopping lists, and set the table without forgetting why I am even in the kitchen.
I have learned that the people who told me it wouldn't hurt as much in a few weeks are WRONG. It hurts more each day. I have learned how to deal with this handicap. That is what this is. I have lost a part of me just as someone who has lost an arm. You learn how to live without that part of you. The pain however, does not go away.
I understand why many who go through this kind of trauma turn to medication to numb themselves or to alcohol. I increased my alcohol intake for sure. I was always aware to insure I was not addicted to the need, although without the support that I had (still have) it could have easily gotten to that point.
The shock continues to wear off, reality continues to set in. I am learning more each day of how to live with my handicap. I am learning how to cook for two. Most of all I am learning how to live again. Thank you to my friends and family and all who have supported me and continue to support me through this dark journey.
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