I have shared this with a couple of friends and my sister, I have a deep wish that some beautiful girl would tell me she is carrying my grandchild. At least I would see part of Jared live on.
I remember a friend, when I was teaching, talking about how she felt God was punishing her in some way because sixteen years after her youngest child she became pregnant. Just a couple of short years later her husband passed in a car accident. She then understood that she was being blessed. That child kept her from being in an empty home. She later met a wonderful man who had lost his wife and the two married.
So is it out of the realm of possibilities that a child could exist? No. But I also taught him to be responsible. His dad played a large part in that without knowing it. Jared had watched his dad have three boys with three women. He saw first hand the hurt and heartache that accompanied it. It still doesn't take away the slight hope. Even if the girl didn't want to raise the child I would. After all it would be my grandchild. My only grandchild. But I know in my heart that won't be. .. still doesn't stop me from wanting it.
It is hard to be real at times with my emotions and feelings. I don't know why, I guess because I don't want to hurt anymore than I do.
The pain I feel every day is real and is physical. Today I had to take a copy of Jared's death certificate to the Social Security Administration. I almost had a panic attack just sitting and waiting. Rich texted me to check on me at just the right time. He talked me into relaxation from it.
I find I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to grocery shop, go to Kmart, buy ice cream, I don't want to see Raisen Bran cereal, I don't want to do many things.
We are reaching new high numbers with Jared's Keepers Foundation. I am amazed and humbled. I love the fact we are honoring so many we have lost to suicide. Many times parents feel like those lost to suicide are forgotten as soon as the funeral is over. We honor those that were hopeless and felt they had no other choice to end the pain. I hope this foundation spreads around the globe. I think it will in time. After all this blog had been viewed in over twenty countries!
While my confession may alarm some, it is just the plain truth. If I do have a girl come to me with that accusation believe me I will have DNA testing done.
No comments:
Post a Comment