Through my processing of grief I have learned so much about grief that I never wanted or hoped to have to know. However, some of it I wish now, I had known years ago. In a healthy grieving process both Reassignment and Reorganization must take place. However, it must take place correctly.
Reassignment, seems easy enough to understand. It is a little deeper than that. Reassignment means many things both healthy and unhealthy. Healthy reassignment takes place when an individual responsible for a particular task is no longer able to do so. An example is when the husband is the one responsible for paying all the bills and running the household finances. He passes and the wife, or child of the deceased must now take over that assigned responsibility. In our house Jared has been for many years now responsible for the lawn care. That was his job. Albeit one he wanted as he was growing up and one that after a couple of years he saw as a burden. Now Rich and I share in this responsibility.
This at times takes place in unhealthy ways by parents (or at times the individual themselves) will try to have another individual assume the life of the one who is no longer there. Many times this can happen with twins. One will try to live the life of both. A parent may have a younger child become the older one that is gone.
Reorganization also has healthy and unhealthy ways of taking place. Again using the above example, when the husband passes he, the wife may now be thrust into a position of leadership in the family that she did not have before. She is now the one that is responsible for the direction of the family. This can be an overwhelming task for some.
With the help of our therapist and the book she gave me to help me through the process, How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, I have been able to recognize things that I might have easily slipped into. While it is natural to want to "replace" Jared I have learned it is a yearning to bring him back that I really want. Rational thinking people know that is not possible. If you know Jared....you know there is simply no "replacing" him either. He was definitely one of a kind.
I also learned that both of these took place in Jared's life when his father died by suicide. Jared's paternal grandmother could not cope with the loss, and did not seek help with it, she instead tried to replace Dan with Jared. She tried to reassign Dan's role in the family with Jared. This is what he was crying out in the last few days to end. He was feeling too much pressure to become his father and take that position in the family. This was intensified by the passing on of clothes that belonged to his Dad for him to wear, the passing on of possessions that belonged to his dad, and so on. This was also confirmed with information in his emails and texts he left behind on his phone that stated they had plans of filing emancipation paperwork while he was there for his visit and having him live in the house where his dad died by suicide.
I was once very angry with these things. I am not any longer. I have come to realize that holding on to this anger continues to keep people in my life that I don't care for. Therefore, I let go of the anger and they are gone too.
I hope this helps you understand a transformation that must take place with the loss of loved ones. I hope to that it will help for you to do it in a healthy way. I encourage you to read the book I spoke about. It is helpful in times of need.
No comments:
Post a Comment