I have not posted in a few days because quite honestly, I have been suffering inside. I am hurting so deeply that some days I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep in hopes of waking up and this is just a terrible nightmare. That won't happen.
Over the weekend we went down to the beach for a few hours. Things were fine. THEN the tears started to fall, then pour out of my eyes. Why or dear why Lord? Rich thought he said something to upset me. He asked me what he did...did I do anything, something? The answer was no. In my head memories flooded over me. Little boys playing in the water, giggling, building sand castles. Older boys tossing shells into the water. Boys diving by my side, a young boy learning how to swim and snorkel. Why Lord? You should have told him no...you should have told him it wasn't his time yet!
We returned home and talked for quite a while. A friend had asked for pictures when we felt that we could. It is sometimes shocking to us that we spend so much time with friends and family, yet we don't capture those moments on film. So we sat at the computer and began going through the photos from the time we moved to Tennessee. I think I was able to make it through 2 years of photos....I just broke completely. Full on Grief Attack. How, Why, When did this happy, bouncy, boy that I often called Tigger and Bambi Dear as he would run down the basketball court, lose his inner happiness? Well I know that answer....September 10, 2010.
There are days that I am angry with his Dad. I am angry he didn't talk to Jared and tell him to move forward and be happy and help me help Jared. Then at times I think he did. I think Jared just was not listening. A teenager not listen? While Jared had a strong faith, I am sure it was confusing when he would get signs and messages from his Dad.
I wish so many things....but mostly I wish Jared peace and happiness in Heaven. I hope he and his Dad are doing all the things they couldn't do on Earth, but most of all I KNOW they are spending time together without negative powers.
I also have been struggling and trying to ignore all the publicity over Robin Williams' suicide. It seems to be the way of the world to pay tribute then he is gone. I hoped that his fellow stars would come out and stand up for suicide. I hoped they would rally to call to stop this terrible disease. But they would rather talk about the details of taking his life. I have a real issue with that. I don't like seeing death on TV at all...movies, news, it doesn't matter. I did not watch the video of Tony Stewart's racing accident. I did not watch the video of the shooting in MO. I don't like that. I think it is irresponsible of the media to put it out for everyone to see. I am sick that we say it is the right of free speech.....that is true. HOWEVER, what about my rights as a family member to not have to see that over and over and over and over and over and over again? I used to have a sign hanging in my classroom in Illinois "Having Rights = Having Responsibilities". The media need to understand that. While they have the right to report on things they SHOULD BE responsible enough to have compassion to those who are hurting. The thing is...it is more than just those in that place at the time. What do I mean? I mean, Robin Williams' suicide touches everyone who has lost a loved one by suicide. It reopens the wounds that so many struggle every day to heal. The racing tragedy opens wounds to all who have lost a loved one on a track. The Missouri tragedy opens the wounds of those who have been trying to heal from violence. Both BLACK AND WHITE!
Two months ago today, friends on island said goodbye to Jared in their own way. They celebrated him and the way he touched them. They played their hearts out on the soccer field. Then we celebrated with other friends on the Boardwalk as he would have wanted as I watched a beautiful bird continue to fly over us.
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