Just Struggling....

Some days you just struggle. Today is one of those days.  I was on the verge of tears all dang day!  It was a day I would have taken Jared with me.  Lots of stops and some would have been for him.  Off this morning about 10 to NAPA to get a battery for his Blazer so we can get it cleaned up to sell.  Yes that sucked.  Then to Home Depot to get a couple of things.  Then to the bank and Radio Shack to do some things for Rich.  Now off to two grocery stores.  One where I get milk and the cooler items and individual pieces and the next is like a Sam's Club.  Bulk items are purchased here.  Then one last stop....the post office.  I don't look forward to going there anymore because it usually means some college brochure for Jared.  Today...no mail.  By the end I was mentally exhausted.  I returned home by 1 and it was met with what is for lunch by Rich.  Yes Dear....I am on it.  Put groceries away and fix his lunch.  Then, message my neighbor who offered to help with the Blazer.  Later in the afternoon we began working on the getting the battery changed out.  After the addition of a washer then she fired up like a sweet girl should.  It almost brought tears to my eyes.  I sat in there talking to Jared....Please Jared for all that is good in this World help me get her started.  First turn of the key...there she went.  As I began to move her my neighbor laughed and said you have a passenger....what?  A lizard appeared on the hood.  He rode there the whole way up to the house.  I parked her next to the house.  Sprayed the inside for ants that had gotten in the back.  Closed it up and just before I did....who was on the head rest of the driver seat?  Yep the Lizard.  I have no idea if it was the same one but it was a lizard.  I closed up the Blazer for the night.  Brought in the tools and my neighbor brought a special gift over.  As a child raised Catholic I knew of this but I have done more research tonight.  They are honoring Jared with a Five Year enrollment in the Association of Marion Helpers http://www.marian.org/amh/whoweare.php  Jared will be remembered in the following spiritual ways:

• A daily Holy Mass celebrated for Marian Helpers
• A Holy Mass offered for members on the First Friday and First Saturday of each month
• A Holy Mass offered for deceased members on All Souls Day
• A special Mass offered on each feast day of Our Savior and His Blessed Mother, including The Presentation (Feb. 2), The Annunciation (Mar. 25), The Assumption (Aug. 15), The Birth of Mary (Sept. 8), and The Immaculate Conception (Dec. 8)
• The continuous Novena to The Divine Mercy at the National Shrine of The Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, Mass.
• The daily prayers offered by workers at the National Shrine of The Divine Mercy and the Marian Helpers Center

As a child of God, this is so exciting to me.  I know that for 5 years Jared will be celebrated.  He won't be forgotten.  That is the biggest fear of all parents who lose a child.  You will forget about my child.  

When I came in tonight I learned we lost a friend on island today.  He lives on a boat and fell out of his dighy and drown.  My heart aches so much.  He was the grumpy old man at times, the quiet old man at others, and the best friend to anyone who needed him.  He brought many tears of laughter to us over the last few months.  How can this be?  Another beautiful soul gone too soon.  I quickly reached out to a friend that was very close with him.  I needed to make sure he was ok.  He was celebrating Jake's life the way Jake would want it.  

Maybe the tears were things I just had yet to learn about.  I know there is a beautiful Heaven waiting for me to begin the after life.  I just will not let the after life come before God wants it to.  It would be very easy to slip into a very bad place right now.  I miss Jared so very much.  Heartache reopens wounds after Robing Williams.  And cruel words cut so deep.  I once thought suicide was selfish.  It just isn't.  Unfortunately, I didn't not get educated about it until after Jared took his life.  It is trying to save himself and those he loved closest to him.  

Likewise it is complete irresponsible reporting to be giving intimate details of any suicide.  Again, it can open up so many wounds that are trying to heal, give ideas to those who are contemplating, glorifying suicide, and most of all pouring salt in the very fresh wound of his family.  

Tonight I sat here and cried while Rich was on his walk.  I cried because I was given a gift tonight by my neighbors that they probably don't realize exactly how much of a gift they gave me.  I cried at the loss of a friend.  I cried because I miss Jared.  I cried because I am again getting into his personal items, his Blazer.  I cried because I am so very loved and blessed by so many.  I also cried because a very special young lady in Tennessee is doing all she can to promote awareness and to insure she won't lose anymore friends to suicide.  

Remember if you can't be nice....just don't be mean.

RIP Jake!