Just Keeping My Eye On The Future

I have been focusing most of my energy, which is increasing each day, on Jared's Keepers and the positive things we have going on.  National Suicide Prevention Week is in 2 weeks and so is World Suicide Prevention day.  I ask that you wear a red ribbon on Wednesday September 10th in memory of those you have lost to suicide.  I will be flying that day and I am anticipating an emotional time.  This date is also the 4th year since Jared's Dad died by suicide.  I have learned different terminology and have been using it appropriately.  First, died by suicide.  That is what happens.  We can candy coat it, which I did for a while but I realized this past week to say what it really is.  I wear a bracelet every day that says Stop Suicide so let's be real with it.  Also I no longer use the word "successful" when talking about suicide.  They are completed and incomplete suicides, as well as attempted.

I have been focusing on the walk in Nashville on September 13th.  I look forward to it as I will be with many people who loved Jared.  I look forward to sharing the day of stories and memories and feeling him there with us.  There are some very exciting things happening that day.  I also look forward to attending the St. Louis Cardinal game on the 14th with some of his Keepers.

I am excited to see what all is going on in the schools.  I will visit Harpeth High and celebrate Homecoming with them.  I received some pictures from them this past weekend of more students doing the YOU ARE A KEEPER photo challenge.  I am also just looking forward to spending some much needed time with friends just being.

I got a call this weekend from one of the schools here and there are some exciting things that will begin to take place here too.  I will share more about that later.

I have been focusing more on me and inner healing.  I talk to Jared everyday and sometimes he answers with humor and sometimes just guidance.  I have opened my heart to listening rather than my ears.  He gives me signs that I smile at and connect with him.

Tonight I watched as Tony Stewart was introduced before the Atlanta race.  I saw so much grief in his face even behind his sunglasses.  I could tell he was crying and doing his best to hold it together.  I wanted to reach through the TV and hug him.  Even though he isn't my driver.....GO RYAN NEWMAN.

I met up with one of Jared's soccer coaches this weekend and got the biggest hug.  I love hugs they are truly healing.  We talked about the FIFA team and how they did at the World Cup Qualifier in Jamaica.  They performed well and grew as a team but unfortunately did not advance.  I also ran into his AD from GHCDS.  We talked and I felt good when I walked away.  It is so nice to share things with people and talk about the good things Jared did.

I enjoyed time out and about Friday night listening to a local band and talking with friends.  Saturday, we attended the Beer Fest to support the Wounded Warrior Project, where I met up with Jared's soccer coach and AD.  Enjoyed some tacos and beer brewed here on the island.  My favorite Mango Beer was sold out before the event started....but all for a good cause.  Then finished the night off looking into the harbour and talking with friends.  Today we played tourist and took a trip to Fredricksted while the cruise ship was in.  Then back for a soda on the Boardwalk and relaxed at home tonight.  Tomorrow we head to Buck Island and have a beach BBQ.

When I return from the states I will begin blogging about Jared's life growing up and give you more back story to help in your processing his death.  He had an amazing life and did amazing things.  I am glad we were able to provide those things for him to enjoy and experience.

I am getting stronger every day.  I am learning how to live with the pain.  I am learning to live without part of me.  Life is short...love one another....
Like Thumper said....If you can't say anything nice....don't say anything at all.

Hugs to you who are reading this.

Me Time

Over the past few days I have taken some time to work on me.  I have had to come to peace with internal struggles that have been taking place.  I have also had some unexpected blessings. On Wednesday, I had a message from the Principal at Free Will Baptist School here on island.  He asked if we could talk.  So I said I would be in his area and I would stop by.  When Jared attended Manor School he was to play soccer for FWBS but he transferred to Good Hope Country Day just as the season began, thus causing him to compete against them.  Nonetheless, he made great friends there.  I was feeling a spiritual pull to stop by the school but I didn't know why.  When I arrived I saw students of all middle school and high school age come out of the buildings.  My heart filled with joy.  I didn't understand it.  I asked where the Principal could be found and was directed toward his office.  As I came around the corner I locked eyes with his wife.  A little background for those who do not know.  I feel a connection to her that is special.  I can't explain it really but see she is from Dickson, TN just down the road from where we lived.  In addition she had a brother Jared who died in a car accident several years ago.  Her mother asked her to give me her information so we could connect.  I look forward to that connection next month.  Her husband also helped officiate Jared's service here on island.  Just another connection Jared has made for me.
When we embraced I began to cry.  It was like I had a tight hug that was helping to suck the sorrow out of my heart that I had been carrying for several days.  We then went into the office and she was telling me how crazy it was because today was the first day of school.  I was surprised....why was this connection made on the first day of school?  Did Jared know I needed to see happy kids?  While there I met a young man who attends Welch College in Nashville.  We talked and he stated...I will be there to walk with you in Nashville.  He just met me, never knew Jared, but he is going to walk with me?  There are 4 other students attending Welch that Jared did know.  I understand they too will be walking with us in Nashville.
Finally he was free and back we went to the Principal's office....haha.  He didn't know how to approach a question but he knew I would be a resource for information.  A long time teacher at the school had passed away stateside while receiving treatments.  His family asked if he would accompany the remains to St. Croix for his final resting place and to be spread at sea.  Well....unfortunately, I know a little about transporting a loved one's remains.  I explained that they would be carried on and they must go through the screening process and the container they are in must be able to be screened.  By complete luck, Jared's Urn was.  I explained to him the paperwork he should carry with him in case of any issues as he would be flying out of Washington DC.  After the business was addressed and I could now laugh about Jared's experiences in the scanners on our travels, we then turned to how are Rich and I doing.  I shared with him my struggles as well as my observation of Rich's.  We then turned the conversation to Jared's Keepers Foundation and I hope we can get the program into the school this year.

After leaving I had to run some errands and then to the Post Office.  In the box were two yellow slips....this means packages that won't fit in the box.  But we didn't order anything.  I was blessed with a beautiful daily devotional book from a dear sweet friend who lost her husband to suicide.  She and I have been able to share heartaches together.  She wrote a sweet message to me and I cherish is more than I could ever express.  I immediately opened it to June 14 and read.  It was as if Jared had written me a letter.  I had chills and was frozen in place.  I read and reread that message.  I then turned to August 20th, that was God speaking to me.  More peace came over me.

Then I opened a box from a friend in my hometown.  He is on the volunteer fire/rescue squad with my mom and has been since I was about 8.  I couldn't imagine what this was...I began to read the letter he wrote to me about how a picture I had posted touched him because I said it was my favorite picture of Jared and I because it was spontaneous.  I wasn't supposed to be in the pictures that day but Jared continued to hug on me so the photographer captured it....I am forever grateful.  He had created a beautiful wood carving of that picture!

It now hangs above my desk that I sit at to write this post.  I can't express to him how special this gift is to me.  It brought peace as well and warmth to my heart.

That evening we spent at the beach with friends having a bonfire.  It was spiritual for me.  I looked up at the stars and could hear Jared at about the age he was in the photo above saying "Mom, whenever I miss you I look at the stars and moon because you are looking at the same ones and I know you are not far away."  Pretty profound for a little guy.  I said you are right Jared....just look up and I am looking at them too.

I spent Thursday mowing in the morning and weed eating in the evening while Rich mowed....that is until I sliced my hand open on our fence.  Then it was taking care of my hand for the rest of the night.  

Friday we ventured down to the Boardwalk after the storms that dumped heavy rains on us all day to find a group of happy military guys from West Virginia on island, then the Men's National Soccer Team arrived, and the place came alive with hustle and bustle.  

I continue to find more information in Jared's phone as it is now mine as of Wednesday.  I had planned on Jared going with me to help me pick one out the Monday after he passed.  We even talked about it the night before, and he said you need a phone like mine mom.  Well, his was only 2 months old and so now I have one like his....better it was his.  But Jared had things in hidden folders.  Interesting because I just stumble onto them once in a while.  Like he is giving me a little at a time to digest and understand.  He also seems to only let me see what he wants when he wants.  

This week his Blazer and stereo equipment was listed for sale.  We got a call from a friend of ours and tomorrow I will meet a lady and her daughter who just arrived on island to attend UVI to look at the Blazer.  Again, his time, when he was ready.  I have learned to be patient.  Not easy at times.  I know there is more he is telling me and a time goes along, he will bring it to me in a form that others will see too.  

Good Night my little Keeper....I love you to heaven and back!

Stepping Away

I have not posted in a few days because quite honestly, I have been suffering inside.  I am hurting so deeply that some days I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep in hopes of waking up and this is just a terrible nightmare.  That won't happen.  

Over the weekend we went down to the beach for a few hours.  Things were fine. THEN the tears started to fall, then pour out of my eyes.  Why or dear why Lord?  Rich thought he said something to upset me.  He asked me what he did...did I do anything, something?  The answer was no.  In my head memories flooded over me.  Little boys playing in the water, giggling, building sand castles.  Older boys tossing shells into the water.  Boys diving by my side, a young boy learning how to swim and snorkel.  Why Lord? You should have told him no...you should have told him it wasn't his time yet!  

We returned home and talked for quite a while.  A friend had asked for pictures when we felt that we could.  It is sometimes shocking to us that we spend so much time with friends and family, yet we don't capture those moments on film.  So we sat at the computer and began going through the photos from the time we moved to Tennessee.  I think I was able to make it through 2 years of photos....I just broke completely.  Full on Grief Attack.  How, Why, When did this happy, bouncy, boy that I often called Tigger and Bambi Dear as he would run down the basketball court, lose his inner happiness?  Well I know that answer....September 10, 2010.  

There are days that I am angry with his Dad.  I am angry he didn't talk to Jared and tell him to move forward and be happy and help me help Jared.  Then at times I think he did.  I think Jared just was not listening.  A teenager not listen?  While Jared had a strong faith, I am sure it was confusing when he would get signs and messages from his Dad.  

I wish so many things....but mostly I wish Jared peace and happiness in Heaven.  I hope he and his Dad are doing all the things they couldn't do on Earth, but most of all I KNOW they are spending time together without negative powers.  

I also have been struggling and trying to ignore all the publicity over Robin Williams' suicide.  It seems to be the way of the world to pay tribute then he is gone.  I hoped that his fellow stars would come out and stand up for suicide.  I hoped they would rally to call to stop this terrible disease.  But they would rather talk about the details of taking his life.  I have a real issue with that.  I don't like seeing death on TV at all...movies, news, it doesn't matter.  I did not watch the video of Tony Stewart's racing accident.  I did not watch the video of the shooting in MO.  I don't like that.  I think it is irresponsible of the media to put it out for everyone to see.  I am sick that we say it is the right of free speech.....that is true.  HOWEVER, what about my rights as a family member to not have to see that over and over and over and over and over and over again?  I used to have a sign hanging in my classroom in Illinois "Having Rights = Having Responsibilities".  The media need to understand that.  While they have the right to report on things they SHOULD BE responsible enough to have compassion to those who are hurting.  The thing is...it is more than just those in that place at the time.  What do I mean?  I mean, Robin Williams' suicide touches everyone who has lost a loved one by suicide.  It reopens the wounds that so many struggle every day to heal.  The racing tragedy opens wounds to all who have lost a loved one on a track.  The Missouri tragedy opens the wounds of those who have been trying to heal from violence.  Both BLACK AND WHITE!  

Two months ago today, friends on island said goodbye to Jared in their own way.  They celebrated him and the way he touched them.  They played their hearts out on the soccer field.  Then we celebrated with other friends on the Boardwalk as he would have wanted as I watched a beautiful bird continue to fly over us.

Reassignment And Reorganization

Through my processing of grief I have learned so much about grief that I never wanted or hoped to have to know.  However, some of it I wish now, I had known years ago.  In a healthy grieving process both Reassignment and Reorganization must take place.  However, it must take place correctly.

Reassignment, seems easy enough to understand.  It is a little deeper than that.  Reassignment means many things both healthy and unhealthy.  Healthy reassignment takes place when an individual responsible for a particular task is no longer able to do so.  An example is when the husband is the one responsible for paying all the bills and running the household finances.  He passes and the wife, or child of the deceased must now take over that assigned responsibility.  In our house Jared has been for many years now responsible for the lawn care.  That was his job.  Albeit one he wanted as he was growing up and one that after a couple of years he saw as a burden.  Now Rich and I share in this responsibility.

This at times takes place in unhealthy ways by parents (or at times the individual themselves) will try to have another individual assume the life of the one who is no longer there.  Many times this can happen with twins.  One will try to live the life of both.  A parent may have a younger child become the older one that is gone.

Reorganization also has healthy and unhealthy ways of taking place.  Again using the above example, when the husband passes he, the wife may now be thrust into a position of leadership in the family that she did not have before.  She is now the one that is responsible for the direction of the family.  This can be an overwhelming task for some.

With the help of our therapist and the book she gave me to help me through the process, How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, I have been able to recognize things that I might have easily slipped into.  While it is natural to want to "replace" Jared I have learned it is a yearning to bring him back that I really want.  Rational thinking people know that is not possible.  If you know Jared....you know there is simply no "replacing" him either.  He was definitely one of a kind.

I also learned that both of these took place in Jared's life when his father died by suicide.  Jared's paternal grandmother could not cope with the loss, and did not seek help with it, she instead tried to replace Dan with Jared.  She tried to reassign Dan's role in the family with Jared.  This is what he was crying out in the last few days to end.  He was feeling too much pressure to become his father and take that position in the family.  This was intensified by the passing on of clothes that belonged to his Dad for him to wear, the passing on of possessions that belonged to his dad, and so on.  This was also confirmed with information in his emails and texts he left behind on his phone that stated they had plans of filing emancipation paperwork while he was there for his visit and having him live in the house where his dad died by suicide.

I was once very angry with these things.  I am not any longer.  I have come to realize that holding on to this anger continues to keep people in my life that I don't care for.  Therefore, I let go of the anger and they are gone too.

I hope this helps you understand a transformation that must take place with the loss of loved ones.  I hope to that it will help for you to do it in a healthy way.  I encourage you to read the book I spoke about.  It is helpful in times of need.

Just Struggling....

Some days you just struggle. Today is one of those days.  I was on the verge of tears all dang day!  It was a day I would have taken Jared with me.  Lots of stops and some would have been for him.  Off this morning about 10 to NAPA to get a battery for his Blazer so we can get it cleaned up to sell.  Yes that sucked.  Then to Home Depot to get a couple of things.  Then to the bank and Radio Shack to do some things for Rich.  Now off to two grocery stores.  One where I get milk and the cooler items and individual pieces and the next is like a Sam's Club.  Bulk items are purchased here.  Then one last stop....the post office.  I don't look forward to going there anymore because it usually means some college brochure for Jared.  Today...no mail.  By the end I was mentally exhausted.  I returned home by 1 and it was met with what is for lunch by Rich.  Yes Dear....I am on it.  Put groceries away and fix his lunch.  Then, message my neighbor who offered to help with the Blazer.  Later in the afternoon we began working on the getting the battery changed out.  After the addition of a washer then she fired up like a sweet girl should.  It almost brought tears to my eyes.  I sat in there talking to Jared....Please Jared for all that is good in this World help me get her started.  First turn of the key...there she went.  As I began to move her my neighbor laughed and said you have a passenger....what?  A lizard appeared on the hood.  He rode there the whole way up to the house.  I parked her next to the house.  Sprayed the inside for ants that had gotten in the back.  Closed it up and just before I did....who was on the head rest of the driver seat?  Yep the Lizard.  I have no idea if it was the same one but it was a lizard.  I closed up the Blazer for the night.  Brought in the tools and my neighbor brought a special gift over.  As a child raised Catholic I knew of this but I have done more research tonight.  They are honoring Jared with a Five Year enrollment in the Association of Marion Helpers http://www.marian.org/amh/whoweare.php  Jared will be remembered in the following spiritual ways:

• A daily Holy Mass celebrated for Marian Helpers
• A Holy Mass offered for members on the First Friday and First Saturday of each month
• A Holy Mass offered for deceased members on All Souls Day
• A special Mass offered on each feast day of Our Savior and His Blessed Mother, including The Presentation (Feb. 2), The Annunciation (Mar. 25), The Assumption (Aug. 15), The Birth of Mary (Sept. 8), and The Immaculate Conception (Dec. 8)
• The continuous Novena to The Divine Mercy at the National Shrine of The Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, Mass.
• The daily prayers offered by workers at the National Shrine of The Divine Mercy and the Marian Helpers Center

As a child of God, this is so exciting to me.  I know that for 5 years Jared will be celebrated.  He won't be forgotten.  That is the biggest fear of all parents who lose a child.  You will forget about my child.  

When I came in tonight I learned we lost a friend on island today.  He lives on a boat and fell out of his dighy and drown.  My heart aches so much.  He was the grumpy old man at times, the quiet old man at others, and the best friend to anyone who needed him.  He brought many tears of laughter to us over the last few months.  How can this be?  Another beautiful soul gone too soon.  I quickly reached out to a friend that was very close with him.  I needed to make sure he was ok.  He was celebrating Jake's life the way Jake would want it.  

Maybe the tears were things I just had yet to learn about.  I know there is a beautiful Heaven waiting for me to begin the after life.  I just will not let the after life come before God wants it to.  It would be very easy to slip into a very bad place right now.  I miss Jared so very much.  Heartache reopens wounds after Robing Williams.  And cruel words cut so deep.  I once thought suicide was selfish.  It just isn't.  Unfortunately, I didn't not get educated about it until after Jared took his life.  It is trying to save himself and those he loved closest to him.  

Likewise it is complete irresponsible reporting to be giving intimate details of any suicide.  Again, it can open up so many wounds that are trying to heal, give ideas to those who are contemplating, glorifying suicide, and most of all pouring salt in the very fresh wound of his family.  

Tonight I sat here and cried while Rich was on his walk.  I cried because I was given a gift tonight by my neighbors that they probably don't realize exactly how much of a gift they gave me.  I cried at the loss of a friend.  I cried because I miss Jared.  I cried because I am again getting into his personal items, his Blazer.  I cried because I am so very loved and blessed by so many.  I also cried because a very special young lady in Tennessee is doing all she can to promote awareness and to insure she won't lose anymore friends to suicide.  

Remember if you can't be nice....just don't be mean.

RIP Jake!

The Brightest Lights In Our Lives Are The Darkest Inside

The love between a mother and son is simply not like any other love.  I remember the psychology classes in college and studying Freud who said it is a sexual attraction that makes father and daughters close and mother and sons close.   While I don't completely agree with his theory I tend to believe that as mothers we try to show our sons what we look for in a man so they will be the perfect man for a future wife.   We want compassion,  large heart,  tender hands,  warm hugs.   Well maybe I am alone in this,  but I dont think so.
As I learn of more and more suicides and learn about each of them, I hear over and over. ... They never knew a stranger. .... life of the party. ... funny. ... huge heart.   I realize they mask their hurt with the happy personality they put upfront.  
I used to think those that died by suicide were selfish.   I have learned it simply isn't true.   In fact it is the opposite.    See they are trying to protect the ones they love.   They justify suicide by convincing themselves it is beneficial to their loved ones.   For those who are not in the deep valley of darkness it seems nonsensical.   However,  those who get to that place have a near impossible task of seeing things any other way.  
Today was a hard afternoon for me.   I experienced another grief attach.  I realized this afternoon that I am approaching the two month mark.   I thought to myself how proud I was because I was healing enough that I am not consuming myself with hours, days, weeks, months since he left.  I have been preparing myself for days to start back in on going through Jared's bathroom and closet.   OK Deb you are strong you can do this.  THE TOWEL. ... that damn towel.   There it hangs just as Jared left it.   So I turned to the caddy that held bandaid and toilet paper.   No problem put those items away since this bathroom will now only be used for the office many things are not needed in there any longer.   I then took a deep breath and removed the toothpaste tube from the sink.   Hung a wreath from his school here up.   Rearranged some wall art. AND THEN. ... YEP the towel.   I smelled it as I do nearly every day.   The smell is fading but it is there.   I began to cry.   I then took an even deeper breath and pulled it down. .... yep I lost it. ... flood gates of tears opened.  After several minutes I composed myself enough to refold the still unwashed towel and hang it on the towel bar.   I then opened the shower curtain the rest of the way open and gather shampoo, face cleaner, and body wash after disposing of the folded up bandaid left in the corner of the tub.   As I carried the items across the house to the master bath to put them away,  it hit.   I couldn't call out to Rich nor could I physically carry myself to him to be held.   I was able to get to the step next to the whirlpool to sit.   There was a towel I had sat out on the tub and I used it to cry into and wipe the tears as they fell.   I had already soaked my shirt with tears. My sinuses opened and I began to choke and hyperventilate.   After what seemed to be an eternity,  Rich came to check on me.   He helped to calm me and get me to the sofa.   I talked with him for well over an hour.  I asked him if he would sit with me in the office tonight as I continued working on things.   He agreed and he helped with many items.   With his support and assistance I was able to get through quite a bit more.  
Remember to light a candle for the beautiful people who have been lost to suicide on September 10th.

Remembering Robin

Even if you are from the plant Ork you know Robin Williams.  I don't know of a person on this planet that hasn't been touched by him no matter what your age is.  Like all the others that have taken their life, Robin Williams was so happy on the outside.  He was always making us laugh, entertaining us, and bringing happiness to others, all the while battling a daemon inside.  It is ironic how his Disney character may say it best.  You are free now Genie.  He has been trapped and trying to get out of captivity and he chose the only way he knew.  Those of us who are intimate with suicide know how to read the reports and know how he took his life.  I have extreme sadness today as I did as a fell to sleep last night, a physical pain in my heart.  I feel for his wife, his 2 ex-wives, and for his three children.  They each will go through a grief like no other.  What will make it worse for them is he is loved and known around the World.  You will hear all kind of stories posted online and on TV.  Some of these stories will be very hurtful to the family.
Last night on the boardwalk I was engaged in a conversation about Robin Williams.  I had to leave an area just before that because of a young woman and young man who were seemingly intoxicated going on and on and talking about suicide and how could he and the multiple ways he probably did it.  I then landed in a conversation about how another person's best friend took his life.
If there were one thing I could change about the World is we would quit talking about graphic details of such terrible things.  Why are we so interested.  When you get a vision of such horror in your head you can't get it out.  When you see things of such horror, you can't un-see those things.  I refused to watch the video that was posted everywhere of the Tony Stewart accident that took the life of a fellow competitor.  I can't un-see that if I watch it.  I don't need that in my head.  For this exact reason we haven't shared the method Jared chose.  We don't want our friends and family to have a visual of such sadness.  I have had many people reach out and ask how, but I am extremely careful in who I tell.  Some I know can handle it but I will not share with young people.  They don't need it.
I am proud the media and the family of Robin Williams is telling you why he took his life....depression.  That is the reason everyone does.  There is an inner demon in depression....some call the devil.  Please if you are touched by this demon in the future, don't ask why they took their life, you know that answer.  Many will leave notes or post on social media how people drove them to it, how someone upset them.  These are the mechanisms to allow themselves to justify their actions.  Why is depression.
I hope that Robin Williams' death will bring the much needed attention to this 100% preventable cause of death.  WHO (World Health Organization) has already realized this is an epidemic and it needs to be stopped, that is why it is their focus through 2020.  Why then do schools not want to do all they can to bring awareness to students that there is help?  Why do employers not want to hang a poster up with a phone number in case anyone needs help?  It doesn't cost anything to do this?
Many people have reached out to me since last night to insure I was OK.  Yes, this pours salt in an open wound that is trying to heal.  But I know, like Jared's tragedy, Robin Williams will work from above to help reach people.

Blessed - What One Word Describes Your Life?

I have contemplated this question for days.  I have come to realize that I keep coming back to positive words.  I have thought: lonely, tragic, happy, loved, survived, hurt, and on and on.  But I am blessed.  I am all those other things too, but they only help me to realize how truly blessed I am.  I have had many tragic moments in my life.  The first I remember is my father being physically abusive to my mother.  Then my father passing away the day after I had prayed for God to take him off the Earth.  Yes, that one stung for a long time.  In fact it resurfaced as a teenager when I went drinking with some friends and let it all bubble out.  With some therapy I was able to work through it and understood I didn't cause his death.  You see he would stalk me while I was at school.  The teachers and local police were always watching me.  I couldn't go anywhere by myself.  Everyone was afraid for my safety.   Little did I know that would just prepare me for later in life.
There was other abuse that I don't want to talk about here and now.  I have worked through it as a teen and was counseled for it but it is hurtful to family members that didn't know what was going on.  I certainly don't blame them at all, but it hurts them I know.
Then my grandfather suffered a debilitating stroke.  This was very disturbing to me.  I quickly went from a child who enjoyed riding on the tractor with him to caring for him.  He had to have assistance with every task in life.  After the loss of my dad I really clinched onto him and my brother who is just 10 years older than I am.  At this same time frame my brother is dating and getting married.  All the men in my life are GONE.  Not really, but if felt like it.
With the loss of my parents marriage and death of my father I lost most of my Dad's family with it.  We were like pool balls at the break....knocked all over the place.  They had their life to live and didn't think much about me.  I had my life to focus on.
I didn't have many close friends but the ones I did meant a great deal to me.  Then one of my best friends and I had a falling out.  Within a couple of months she was tragically electrocuted.  Why?  I also lost a friend to murder on her way home from work one summer.  She was older and we were not close but we were in so many things together and she always was kind and made you feel as if you were her best friend.
When Dan and I got engaged my grandfather passed.  About the same time by brother that was like my "dad" figure was expecting his 4th child.  The following year we would lose that child just before his first birthday to a freak accident.  He had rolled off a bed as so many children do.  Unfortunately for us, he was called Home.  I know his first treat in Heaven was meeting Grandpa and having a chocolate milk shake.  About this same time I was sitting with Dan's Grandmother and watching the news to see another high school friend's car on the news.  No it can't be......She and another girl had been murdered.  Oh Dear Lord, PLEASE?
Other family and friends were lost along the way.  Marriages died.  Family units became broken.
Then of course my marriage, family unit broke.  Really it was broken before it started but as all young couples you can make it work with love alone.....right?
But I have been blessed by far more than all these tragedies together.  I am LOVED by GOD!  I am loved by family.  I am loved by friends.  I am loved by my husband.  I was/am loved by Jared.  There is only one greater love than that of what you share with your child and that is what you share with the Lord.  I am blessed because I have them both.  I live in a beautiful place surrounded by God's beauty and I have come to enjoy every bit of it.  I love the rain.  I love the sun.  I love the colorful flowers.  I love the beautiful blues and turquoise colors of the ocean.  I love every sunset, every moon, every star, and every cloud.  I say Thanks every morning when I wake for another beautiful sun is risen and I have been blessed to enjoy another day.
I am blessed because I have been able to let go of all the anger toward my ex-in-laws.  In fact I find humor in the asinine things they do and say.
I am blessed by Jared by being his Mom and for him directing me to start this Foundation.  We are already reaching people and that is what it is all about.
All those tragedies I talked about above, I was blessed by them too.  How?  Well that is easy.  Each one touched my life in a different way. With my Dad he taught me to not put up with the crap he gave my mother and his other wives.  He also taught me that alcohol can destroy talent.  I also was blessed by the other abuse.  I learned that I can survive.  My Grandfather taught me many things.  Maybe he and Grandma taught me that no matter what you wear to church that God Loves you.  You see I didn't have any church clothes and so Grandma took the dress off the Raggedy Ann doll and dressed me.  Yes I hid under the pew the entire service until I had to go all the way to the front of the church for Children's Time.  Again, I survived.  But they also taught me how to care for life as it became more fragile.  My young nephew taught me that death does not discriminate based on age.  Enjoy every moment and don't take one for granted.  My friends I lost, they taught me that I am blessed by friendship and at anytime I could lose that friend but enjoy every moment of your time together and cause a little trouble along the way.  You see everyone, even the not nice ones, bless me in some way.  The not nice people bless me because it brings back into consciousness how not to let your heart get so hard that you behave in such a manner.
I pray your life is blessed.  I pray you surround yourself with Angels.  Enjoy every moment, every flower, every season, every smell, every creature.

I Can See Clearly Now. ....Well Clearer Anyway

I can see clearly now. ...a line in a song that was one of the first songs I could listen to after Dan and I separated.   It was many months before I could listen to the radio.   My music was toddler cassette tapes in the van.   As I have learned,  I was grieving the loss of my marriage and family unit.
I was thinking about random things today as they popped into my head.   My first airplane ride with Jared.  Taking him to Disney World and having him take in all he could.   His first cruise and how he loved everything and wanted to do everything.   How we came home with a couple dozen drink umbrellas of a rainbow of colors.
As I cooked dinner and was writing items on the shopping list that I was getting low on or just ran out of, I realized how much clearer life was beginning to be.   Less than two months ago I couldn't stand long enough to read a recipe,  let alone fix dinner.   Now I am strong enough to wash dishes, fix a meal, respond to text messages,  update shopping lists,  and set the table without forgetting why I am even in the kitchen.
I have learned that the people who told me it wouldn't hurt as much in a few weeks are WRONG.  It hurts more each day.   I have learned how to deal with this handicap.   That is what this is.   I have lost a part of me just as someone who has lost an arm.   You learn how to live without that part of you.   The pain however,  does not go away.
I understand why many who go through this kind of trauma turn to medication to numb themselves or to alcohol.   I increased my alcohol intake for sure.   I was always aware to insure I was not addicted to the need,  although without the support that I had (still have) it could have easily gotten to that point.
The shock continues to wear off,  reality continues to set in.   I am learning more each day of how to live with my handicap.   I am learning how to cook for two.  Most of all I am learning how to live again.   Thank you to my friends and family and all who have supported me and continue to support me through this dark journey.

Taking Time To Heal

Yesterday Rich and I spent the day at Buck Island.  He knew I needed to get out of the house and away from everyday stressers.  He booked us on an all day trip to Buck Island that had some swimming time, snorkel time, then off to another beach for a BBQ and rum punch with more water.  

When we first arrived I was ready to get in the water.  That is a bit unusual for me.  As you can see from the picture above the water is crystal clear turquoise and you can see to the ocean floor.  I was standing in the water and noticed, after feeling a peck to my pinkie toe, I was surrounded by beautiful fish at my feet.  It was spiritual.  They were surrounding me in a circle and there were many, and many different fish.  I moved a step to the right and they all followed me.  I moved to the left and they followed me.  At that moment I could hear "Are you Jared's Mom? He is really cool."  It reminded me of the scene in Evan Almighty where all the birds and animals followed him into work.  I stood for a few minutes and appreciated the moment.  I then lifted my feet and began to float.  We floated around the boat and after awhile returned to where we started.  Rich then was in the same area and he said "They are all around me now."  I just smiled.  I knew they were I had already heard a voice say, "Here comes Rich.  This is your step Dad?"  

I wish I could describe in words the feeling I get inside when I hear these voices and see things happen around me.  There just simply isn't words.  

We proceeded over to the reef for snorkeling but I chose not to go.  The water was a bit choppy and I was already having emotions running high.  After the snorkel was over we headed back out to another beach where the BBQ would take place.  While standing in the water with Rich a powerboat came by pulling kids on a tube.  I smiled and choked up.  Rich looked at me and I told him this was pretty difficult for me.  He asked why.  I said because this is where Jared spent 2 of the last 3 days of his life.  Tubing with friends and hanging out at Buck Island.  He didn't realize that connection but he said he was proud of me and I was doing well with it.  

It was then time to head home and sitting at the front of the Catamaran for the ride back to town, three ladies and I struck up a conversation.  It started with a fear one of their husbands had about her coming to an island after the well publicized Natalie Halloway case in Aruba.  I hate that has frightened so many from visiting islands.  In all honesty there was more criminal activity in the county I lived in, in Tennessee then there is here.  It is all about being smart.  Know where you can go and where you can't.  The conversation then turned to what do you do here on the island.  I hesitated to say that I now run a Foundation bringing awareness to suicide because we are on this boat for a good time.  But again a voice said it is ok say it.  So with a deep breath I shared that I am the founder and President of Jared's Keepers Foundation.  They then began to ask many questions about it.  I shared with them honest answers.  They each had been touched by suicide as well.  So one went immediately back to her room after the trip and "Liked" Jared's Keepers Facebook page and sent a message.  Her husband is a high school counselor in the state of Washington and is connecting us together to help spread the message.  By this morning the other two ladies had also "Liked" Jared's Keepers page.  One from Pennsylvania and one from Oregon.

Jared continues to inspire me and help to drive me when I need it.  He obviously put me in that place with those ladies for a reason.  

When I attended church in Petersburg when Jared was young, our pastor was talking about Angels one morning when the children were in church with us.  Usually they had Children's Church with the same message downstairs but one Sunday a month they came to big peoples church.  During the service a little boy asked his mom if the Angels were the ones who were around the pastor as he was speaking.  His mom wasn't quite sure how to answer that at the moment.  A few months we released balloons celebrating VBS and Jared asked me who catches the balloons, God or Angels.  I said I bet it was both but we could ask Mr. Ed our pastor.  So he marched right up to Mr. Ed and wanted to know who catches those balloons?  Taken back a little he said you know Jared I am not sure but I think your mom is right, there are so many I bet they all are catching them.  

I want to see the movie Heaven is Real.  I know it is, but perhaps I can understand more of where Jared is.  

I wish we could all keep the open mind of a 3 year old, the spirit of a 5 year old, and the carefree love of life of a 7 year old.  

Touched By An Angel

Remember yesterday when I talked about reading the book Payment For Passage?  Joann visits her mother as an Angel.   She spoke to her mother at length one time and talked about being places taking care of her mother and brother.   Janie had an experience today after she posted a sweet message to me.   She came close to being hit head on.   At the last minute the vehicle took a hard right and landed on the porch of an animal clinic.   Unfortunately two people are deceased. Janie have her report and then traveled home.   I am sure she was praying for everyone in the vehicle.   I believe that she had her Angel taking care of her.
When Jared was little he used to play with my hair.   A few months ago he day beside me on the sofa and did it again.   It always have me a warm feeling and goose bumps.   The last few nights I have experienced that same feeling several times.   I feel a hand going up my neck and into my hair.
Jared was always the one who mowed and now Rich and I share that chore.   Not my favorite.   Like I have a favorite chore. ..lol.  However,  some pretty amazing things were set in motion today and I needed time to process then all.   I reached out to my "Bestie" and informed her of the exciting things coming our way.   See last night we had ideas but were figuring out how to make them work and really reach people.
After delivering her the news I heard Jared say mom we need to mow.   Without complaining I just got my mowing clothes on and out I went.   Mowing is one of those tasks that allow me to think and process.   Boy was my mind racing.   Then Jared talked to me.   He told me I missed a spot on the front. ... and I had. He also have me direction on how to get all the puzzle pieces I had been given in the last 48 hours together.   The conversation continued as I came in to shower.   When I finished I quickly went to the computer and sent a road map of how we could get all the dreams to become reality to my Bestie.   That is what Jared called her and it is appropriate.
As the afternoon continued more and more things continued to fall into place.   Whet funding concerns existed. ... they were met.   Where message distribution issues were a concern. ... they were resolved.
I truly feel I have been and continue to be touched by an Angel.   I know he is an  Angel.  How?   Signs everywhere.   Many white feathers have crossed paths with me for the past couple of days. I have always believed that Angels walk among us.   I am pretty sure my Angel was just on loan from heaven.

Payment For Passage by Janie Wells

There is a connection that I can't describe that is between mothers who have lost a child.  At Jared's service on St. Croix a lady came up to me and I knew instantly she had lost a child.  We hugged and cried and she handed me a letter.  She said when I was ready to call her she included her number.  In the days weeks to follow a beautiful young lady who I had sat next to at soccer games had reached out via Facebook.  What do the two have in common?  They are mother and daughter.  In short they lost a 17 year old blond haired blue eyed son/brother to drowning when a small tsunami hit the island.  He was swimming at the beach and was swept in and hit his head on the rocks making him unable to save himself.  With God's guidance they found him in the day(s) following the tragedy.  This young lady will be attending college in a little over a week from now.  Where?  Nashville, TN!  She contacted me to ask if she could walk on Jared's Keepers Team with me because she would be attending a small college there this fall.  Without even hesitating absolutely!  We all have to drive right past your school one of us can pick you up we would love to have you!  I then felt someone tell me....Mom have her connect with Kelsey they will like each other.  Great idea!  So I messaged Kelsey and also my friend Melanie to say this young lady will be coming in please let her know you are there if she needs you.  They all connected on Facebook and in next month will meet.

At Jared's service in Tennessee a dear friend gave me a book she had written about her journey that came from the murder of her beautiful daughter. Even being in such a dense fog that night her words are still very clear to me. Don't read this until you are ready. It didn't make sense to me then, but two days ago I began to read it. It is clear as to why.  I am not, and never have been, a reader. But I couldn't put it down. It spoke to me. Even though our loss was different it is the same. At first I thought I couldn't put it down because of knowing the family and Jared was friends with her grandsons and even played soccer with them and was coached by her son. Through the years I have always enjoyed talking with her in the stands watching soccer. But tonight after two and a half hours of reading I am almost done. I am blessed to have her and her family as friends. I am sad to not have met her daughter but I am guessing Jared has. I have learned that grief at times puts you in autopilot and you may do things out of character to numb or stop the pain. There are so many beautiful messages in this book I recommend it to anyone who has lost a piece of their heart with the death of a loved one, especially a child. While this is not a thick book I find myself reading each word and digesting it, owning it, and at times getting chills from them.  Last night as I read one of the section where her daughter came to her as an Angel with feet, I could feel a hand go up my neck and into my hair.  And then I felt a hug.  I think my Angel was there with me.  I feel him with me a lot.  Last night on the scooter ride with Rich, I rode Jared's scooter.  I almost felt like I had a passenger with their hands on my shoulders and then wrapped tightly around my stomach.

Payment For Passage by Janie Wells is a must read for those who are believers, were believers, or struggling to believe again.

Thank you Janie for sharing this beautiful book with me.  

My Secret Confession

I have shared this with a couple of friends and my sister,  I have a deep wish that some beautiful girl would tell me she is carrying my grandchild.   At least I would see part of Jared live on.
I remember a friend, when I was teaching, talking about how she felt God was punishing her in some way because sixteen years after her youngest child she became pregnant.   Just a couple of short years later her husband passed in a car accident.   She then understood that she was being blessed.   That child kept her from being in an empty home.   She later met a wonderful man who had lost his wife and the two married.
So is it out of the realm of possibilities that a child could exist?   No.   But I also taught him to be responsible.   His dad played a large part in that without knowing it.   Jared had watched his dad have three boys with three women.   He saw first hand the hurt and heartache that accompanied it.   It still doesn't take away the slight hope.   Even if the girl didn't want to raise the child I would.   After all it would be my grandchild.   My only grandchild.   But I know in my heart that won't be. .. still doesn't stop me from wanting it.
It is hard to be real at times with my emotions and feelings.   I don't know why,  I guess because I don't want to hurt anymore than I do.
The pain I feel every day is real and is physical.   Today I had to take a copy of Jared's death certificate to the Social Security Administration.  I almost had a panic attack just sitting and waiting.   Rich texted me to check on me at just the right time.   He talked me into relaxation from it.
I find I don't want to do anything anymore.   I don't want to grocery shop,  go to Kmart,  buy ice cream,  I don't want to see Raisen Bran cereal,  I don't want to do many things.

We are reaching new high numbers with Jared's Keepers Foundation.   I am amazed and humbled.   I love the fact we are honoring so many we have lost to suicide.   Many times parents feel like those lost to suicide are forgotten as soon as the funeral is over.   We honor those that were hopeless and felt they had no other choice to end the pain.   I hope this foundation spreads around the globe.   I think it will in time.   After all this blog had been viewed in over twenty countries!

While my confession may alarm some,  it is just the plain truth.   If I do have a girl come to me with that accusation believe me I will have DNA testing done.

Continuing To Deal With Stuff

There are so many things to deal with that it almost opens up wounds again.  Will I, Should I, let someone else handle them?  NO.  It is my issues and quite honestly I know I must work through them as part of the healing process.
Last week I had to call the Social Security Administration I assumed it was to verify why the Survivor Benefits Jared received were being returned.  But nope, they just needed to verify he was deceased.  REALLY?  OMG  So today I must take a copy of his death certificate to the office and update his phone number and address (even though they called me and sent me a letter)  Government work at its' best I suppose.  I find it somewhat disturbing and amusing that I need to update HIS phone number and address.
I think the World today lacks common sense and in times like this it is verified.
I also have another difficult task this week.  I hope I can get through it today, but no promises.  I did however promise to have it resolved by Friday.  I must take care of shutting off his cell phone.  I have so many emotions with this.  This is so stupid to let this bother me but it does.  He isn't coming back and won't need it. He didn't take it to heaven with him so I could talk to him.  Instead he laid it next to his final letter for me to read the emails and text messages he had saved.  I have so many emotions because my our last night together I was looking for a new phone because I am eligible for an upgrade at this point.  My battery is going to junk and doesn't hold a charge the way it should.  So what do I do?  He told me you need a phone like mine mom.  Then he left it for me.  It is only a couple months old so why not just keep it and transfer my number to it?  What do I do?
I also still have an entire walk in closet to deal with and a bathroom.  I am pretty confident that will not be dealt with today or this week.

His friends are heading back to school this week in Tennessee and a couple of weeks here and it is difficult.  I want him to be going back to school.  I want to be bitching about tuition, school supplies, fees, all the usual stuff.  But I am not.

The kids in Tennessee are pushing hard with the campaign of YOU ARE A KEEPER.  Teams are jumping on board and taking pictures we plan on using in posters for a National Campaign.  It was so awesome to get a picture last night of signs that had been made up to be used in a picture today.  A tear of happiness fell down my cheek when I saw it.

I watch the "Likes" come in on Jared's Keepers Foundation Facebook and I continue to be amazed at how far we are reaching.  Literally we are reaching around the World.  Just as this blog has.

I must go for now I have to wipe the tears, and take this bull by the horns and get this stuff behind me.

Smart Phones Are Dumb

Most of the time I post from my smart phone....then I go back and read the posts and sometimes laugh so hard at what the "smart" phone auto corrected things to say.  Sometimes, I get so frustrated I want to scream.  So my apologies for gibberish that may come from my "smart"ass phone.

Fighting Back Tears Day After Day

It gets so frustrating for me to be in the middle of a bite of food to have an overwhelming feeling to cry.  I am focusing on working on things for Jared's Keepers Foundation today and I have smiled, giggled, and fought back tears all day.  I walk by pictures and can't believe it is even possible.  How can he be gone?  It feels like he should just walk in the door....why won't he just walk in the damn door?  I just want to hug him.  I want to talk to him and laugh with him.  This week I should be putting him on a plane to Illinois for two weeks.  I should be helping him get his bags packed, plane tickets ready, snack food bought, but instead I am crying.  I know if he were here today he would be at a beach somewhere with friends because it is just a beautiful day.  I wish so much I could will him back with us.  I wish with all my being I could bring him back to life.  I gave him life once...if only I could again.
Today I have a stronger passion to make his foundation something unbelievable.  I know it will reach many people with all the love behind the project.
Tonight I plan to spend time with Rich going for a scooter ride.  One of us will be on Jared's scooter.  It will be nice to have us all together in that ride.
I love you Jared....

Finding Peace In My Love For Jared

Yes it is true.   I find so much peace in the love I have for Jared.   When Jared told me one night when I was really down that his Grandma X was crazy she didn't know what she was talking about when she said I was a horrible mom,  I asked him why he did that.   He told me I was the best mom because I was always there to support what he wanted and what was best.   He said Grandma X was just there to buy his love and get him away from me.   It warmed my heart that he had her figured out.  He also was a normal teen and used it to his advantage.   He told her he "needed" something and she would send him hundreds of dollars to show her "love".   I don't much care because he had it figured out.
Once, Grandma and Grandpa X came to visit in Tennessee. .. can't remember exactly why but they were there.   They came to a basketball game and I was sat with them.   Not because I liked them, but because I wanted Jared to know I loved him enough to be kind.   His fifth grade year the basketball team made the championship to the surprise of everyone. .. and it was Dad's visitation weekend.
  Dad agreed to swap but Grandma X refused so they drove down and watched the night game. .. made him leave his celebration party early and drive all the way back ( 6 hours) with them.  Was this in Jared's best interest?   I don't think having a sleepy driver behind the wheel is best,  but that is my opinion.
Over the years continued B.S. happened and I found peace in the love I had for Jared.   I really had,  have,  much more love for Jared,  than discontent for my ex in-laws.   I appreciate the friends,  true friends,  I have that let me know of things going on.   Like when funerals are planned without telling the mother of the deceased,  when ex in-laws contact them about suing me for custody of Jared's remains,  and when crazy posts take place on social media.   Like the one referencing me falling in a hole and getting buried alive. .. or the one calling me a devil because I didn't do things the way they thought they should have been done,  or the latest one posted.   I don't let the posts bother me. .. in fact I am somewhat entertained by them.
It is a true shame that keeping up appearances are more important than your family.   Here is a fact that will be proven.   I was not yet divorced before child two was conceived. In fact my divorce was not final because Dan didn't sign the papers until November and the second child was born in March.   The judge granted our divorce in July!
Today has been an emotional one for an unknown reason  but I have found so much peace today knowing the love Jared and I shared and continue to share is far stronger and larger in amount than anything else.
Let your children know how special they are to you everyday.   Tell your parents how much you appreciate them.   Love your friends and family and enjoy every moment of life.

Weathering The Storm

In the early morning hours today,  Tropical Storm Bertha visited the Virgin Islands.   I did not get much rest because of the overwhelming anxiety that accompanied the first storm on island.   Like so many other experiences since June 14TH, the anxiety was worse than the experience.  We had a young man who also took refuge here to insure safety,  he had become known as our island son after he ranked a friend.   He has an amazing story of his own and continues to inspire me not to allow myself to become bitter and hard hearted.   If anyone should be,  he should be,  but instead he is extremely kind hearted.   Was this part of my anxiety?  Having someone I now feel responsible for the safety of?   I don't know but looking back on it,  this is all I can come up with.
I wonder every day how I am going to make it but today there was additional reasoning.  I enjoyed sitting at the table having breakfast and again at lunch.   Sitting at the table hasn't happened here since That Morning.   I guess making it through the storm was a testament that I will be fine but just like the storm today there will be calm winds,  no winds,  strong winds,  light rain,  no rain,  heavy rains, and moments of sunshine.   Perhaps what I realized tonight as we drive home after having dinner on the Boardwalk, there will be beautiful life after the storm.  As we drove home we saw birds playing in the dusk,  egrets out for fresh bugs,  frogs and toads everywhere,  a crab walking down the road (not sure about where he thought he was going lol), and as we turned towards our house there was a doe mixing on our flowering bushes and her fawn standing across the road.   As we pulled slowly in the drive to avoid the fawn we also had to navigate around the dozens of frogs and toads.   During the calm periods during the storm, we were blessed with hummingbirds and lizards.
I remember the year after Jared's Dad and I were married our neighbor next door lost a huge old tree. Our neighbor across the street also lost a large old tree.   But she was the first one out after they fell.   She was so worried because a nest off newborn squirrels were in the tree and she was worried about them.   I thought at the time how does she know this and why does she care?  She had come close to death. .. that is why.  I didn't understand being a young woman starting my life why she knew every nest of wildlife in the neighborhood.   I understand now.   When you suffer a loss that cuts so deep you tend to notice beauty in everything.   You tend to care a little more about every living being.   Drama fades into the background into the file of I don't give a shit.   Love and caring about people is first and front.   I have found when drama starts to creep into my space I step away from it.
I had a friend ask me this week for advice on a relationship.  I looked at her and said,  I no longer have a filter.  I don't care if I hurt your feelings.   If you really want that kind of an opinion you may ask again.   If you don't ask I won't be upset.   She asked again. ... and she got my unfiltered opinion.   In short it was this. ... She knew what her man was about and how he behaved. Likewise he knew the same about her. They need to figure it out or get away from one another because fighting and telling everyone around about the issues is not healthy.   Relationships are like the weather they will change and you have to be ready and roll with it.
We have friends that live on their boats.   Some made it ok and others left in fear.   Symbolic of life and grief I think.
I know my life boat occasionally takes on water.   I bail it out and keep on floating. Some days I hold on tight. .. very tight.   Other days I sit back and relax and allow myself to be soothed by the motion.
I am not sure what all the future has in store but I will do my best to hang on,  keep the water bailed out,  and share my raft if needed.