But What Happened?

Saturday June 14th was supposed to be a busy day with me getting Jared up at 6:30 to take the ACT. Then get Rich up to go diving. Poco and I were going to stay home that morning to get meds and food into him as he hadn't been himself, even his sick self, for a few days. Then in the afternoon, Jared had asked Rich to go diving at Cane Bay so the plan was to pack up and head to the beach where I would just sit and relax. Saturday night I was supposed to help Jared make a Chocolate Rum Cake for Rich for Father's Day. On Sunday Jared had planned for he and Rich to go hike at Point Udall. But our day was turned up-side-down.
I got up to get Jared up and let Poco out to the bathroom. I walked into Jared's room and found he wasn't in bed, his fan was on, and Poco was wanting out of his kennel. I thought oh cool Jared is already up and ready. But I noticed a notebook lying on his bed next to his phone. No big deal but I didn't see Jared in the bathroom either. I grabbed the notebook....I don't know why. I proceeded outside to let Poco potty. I am standing there reading this and not processing a damn thing. Until I got to the part where he said "Mom I love you so very much and I am sorry you are the one who has to find me." "Rich I love you so much, you did your best for me, but I have to be with my Dad." I had this lump and at some point I was back in the house. I went back to his bedroom, looked out the front door for verification the scooter was still here, checked to see if he somehow got the Blazer to run. (it has a bad battery) And then.......I found him. I don't remember but I am told I screamed like I have never screamed before. I remember touching him and I knew he wasn't there. Rich is now with me, panic, fear, and a flood of feelings hit you when you experience something like this. I can't explain it. The next thing I remember is holding him. Hugging him. I must have said "No" a million times. I remember hearing Rich outside calling 911. Then I went somewhere in my mind to protect myself I think. I will not share the specifics as I feel that is private. But I will tell you as I look back on it, he chose what he felt was the easiest on me. It was peaceful.
The police arrived with ambulance and detectives and there must have been a dozen people in the house....maybe more. Eventually, we had investigators and coronors and they had contacted Jared's Psychiatrist Dr. Marshall. She cried with me and we talked and a nice lady with the police department sat with me and talked. So much is a blur.
What I do remember is how my husband turned into someone I had never seen before. He was sheltering me from everything. He didn't want me to see anything that might be difficult.....too late. I remember him going outside a lot and talking quietly so I couldn't hear him....he didn't want to upset me more. How is that possible?
Eventually it was Dr. Marshall and the Detective and us. We looked at phones, texts, emails, pictures, tablets....everything. I remember feeling like I was in a movie and I just wanted to wake up. Things were just as I had said in the beginning. Wasn't over a girl, wasn't over bad grades, wasn't over drugs....it was a broken heart. I remember the Detective saying something about you told me that when I walked in but I didn't understand what you meant. I remember Rich coming in right after that from calling my mom and his parents and trying to reach Brent. I, in NO way, could have done that task that day. In fact I found myself literally having to remind myself to breath in, breath out. Eventually everything the Detective needed was gathered up and taken away. He apologized and explained that in the Virgin Islands suicide is a serious felony....problem there isn't anyone to prosecute. So Jared also got to add felony to his speeding tickets.
They eventually left and I sat here numb my arms felt like they weighed a ton each. I felt like a blow up snowman at Christmas that the fan had been shut off and I was just a pile. I eventually was able to reach out to an old friend at the Menard County Sheriff's office and asked him to help with notifying Jared's Grandparents there. They are my ex-in-laws and no secret they hate me. In fact they hate me far more than they ever loved Jared. When I notified my ex-mother-in-law about Jared's struggles and he was going to need support over Christmas....I was greeted with it was all my fault and I don't love him and I never listen to him. So do I want to hear this again right now? No and would I ask my husband who is just as fragile as I am right now to do this? No. The Friend agreed, then he called back to insure that he had heard me correctly and to digest it himself. He let me know as soon as notification had been made so I could post the message your read in the previous blog so everyone heard at once. This is a small island and news was already traveling.
I received as mean message through Facebook from a friend of the ex-in-laws and after I read it I deleted it. I remember thinking "Go F____ Yourself". Maybe because I have ill feelings that my son had to find out about his father's suicide via a text message from his Dad's neighbor and a voice mail his grandmother left him. Then she called me. My son was just 13 years old! You didn't think it important enough to notify me first to support him? No you hated me more than you loved him. So as I was trying to shelter Jared from this he found his phone and read the coldest text possible...."Dude I just heard your Dad shot himself in the head. There are ambulances there." So do I care that not all the extended family hadn't been notified yet? NO I DON'T!
After posting the notification I broke down. I then started getting messages from family and friends.
I then realized it is after noon and I have not heard Poco cry, wimper, bark....nothing....where is my sick dog. Lying behind his Dad's chair where he feels safe. Rich held me the whole day. He made sure I was safe and ok...he fielded calls, he did laundry, he did dishes. He was amazing. Not sure how he did it but that was his way of trying to process everything. I love my husband more that I could ever express to him.