After a couple of counseling sessions alone, and unknown to my husband, I decided I couldn't do "it" anymore. I couldn't watch this man I loved so much fall to pieces and no one help me help him. Most of all I couldn't let him drag me down too.....I have a 2 year old that needs his mother.
I made the hardest decision of my life to that point to leave. I moved out of our home we had bought together and a life we built together and became a single mom the weekend following Labor Day 1999. At first things were in Jared's best interest...but that lasted about as long as it took for "Grandma" to hear about it. Jared's Dad and I had agreed on division of property, visitation schedules, and even child support. We were going to do this to be the easiest on Jared. I had taken the paperwork we had drawn up to a lawyer and he filed the documents. Within a couple of days I get served papers that my ex-mother-in-law is suing me for custody of my son! Are you kidding me? Within a month the Supreme Court ruled Grandparents have No Rights. Case was dropped then I get papers served my husband was suing me for sole custody. By this time I have met Rich. We have been dating, not really sure why he wanted to stick around with all the drama but I am so very thankful he did, and he has been offered and accepted a job in Tennessee, and has moved. In the end of a THREE year divorce I was awarded Sole Custody and Given Permission to move to Tennessee. This is known as Case Law...we were the first in Illinois to be awarded permission to move the child out of state at the time of the divorce. As you can imagine this ignited a firestorm. I was back in court so many times I can't remember them all. I can remember a filing that I was unfit because I had pre-cancerous cells removed so that made me unfit to care for Jared, I remember the "she lied" case that went nowhere. The ultimate bankruptcy of my Ex which drug me down as my name was still on many things....which backfired on him because the divorce papers showing property had come out and showed hiding of assets. By this time he had married the girl he was seeing and had a child with her. I say girl because she was in high school when I had Jared.
Labor Day was one of Jared's scheduled visitation weekends with his Dad. He asked if we could go in and talk at the Arby's in Marion for a little bit. He told Jared in front of me that he and wife #2 were separating and he was moving out the following weekend. (The weekend after Labor Day) Their child was 2 years old and had a birthday of just a couple weeks before Jared. As we walked back out to our cars to get on the road for our 3 hour journey, he asked me what I thought.....PSA don't ask your ex-wife what she thinks....she will tell you!
I said I think you should not get married again and I think you should quit reproducing. He half listened like every other man in the World. He did not marry again, but he did have a third child. That child's birthday is about a month before Jared's.
These five years were nice...really. He had calmed down when it came to us. We got along and could talk and work for Jared's best interest. But all good things must come to an end, as they say. September 12, 2010 he took his life as he was separating with his live in girlfriend the mother of his third child, who was in 7th grade when I had Jared and their child was 2.
See the pattern? Every 5 years on the weekend after Labor Day he would have a relationship end. Every 5 years he would have a boy born within a 30 day span of each other.....like clock work.
And then....the lawsuits began AGAIN! By April of 2011 I had been sued for custody once again in Tennessee Courts this time. It was asking for custody and if not then they wanted Jared's father's visitation schedule. I will spare you all the details but in short they were not granted what they asked for. They were granted a total of 12 days for the year. Perhaps the worst part was my son was forced to testify in a courtroom...pinning him between his mother and his grandparents....This should NEVER be! Then after I reached out to them to discuss moving to the VI (Virgin Islands) I get ANOTHER LAWSUIT! Are you F'n kidding me? That one was ultimately dropped and filed as such just a couple of days before we left Tennessee. This past Christmas we returned to the States where we shared the Holiday with our families and I allowed Jared to have much additional time with his Grandparents. They were ordered to 1 day at Thanksgiving and 1 day at Christmas and I had given them almost a week. I had reached out to Grandma and expressed my concerns and that Jared was struggling with some issues and needed to be watched carefully. I needed to be contacted if ANY thing happened. I was greeted with...It is all your fault, you don't love him, you never have, you are a terrible mom, he doesn't want to be with you. - WHATEVER this is about Jared.
Now, I know I am the biggest B in the World....ask them, they will tell you.
I am NOW in a situation where I am having to make hardest decisions of my life. Do I do what I have been asked to do by Jared or do I do what has been "tradition" or "normal" in our family to do?
I had the Sheriff's Department notify them of the situation prior to making it public. As soon as I got the notification they knew I posted on Facebook. I was already getting people here on island asking questions. On Sunday I called and got my ex-father-in-law and at first I felt relief. He and I had always had a good working relationship....but NO more. Here came the - he needs this done....he needs to be buried here, don't cremate, etc, etc we will pay for everything if you will not cremate and bury him next to his Dad....I am sure that is what he would want if he knew it were available. With all the energy I could find from within I politely said, Thank you for the offer but I must do what he has asked. This was met with more I can't believe he would not want this and be buried next to his dad...... I am still waiting for the next lawsuit.....will they try to block the cremation? VI verified that can't happen and I now have him. He got his wish. Will they try to sue me for his remains......TRY ME
"Thank you and I will notify you of arrangements. Please let me know if you will be attending."
After arrangements were made in Tennessee and Illinois, where he said they would be interested in attending, I asked my husband to contact them. I just didn't have the inner strength to deal with it again. He got an answering machine. He left his cell number and email (hey if you don't want to talk to us that is fine email us - probably prefer this) Please let us know of the following people who will be there so we can have special seating for them. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, Uncle, Brother +1, Brother +1. The same arrangements as for my family. After all, Jared was extremely upset and apologized for them and the way I was treated at his Dad's funeral. This is for Jared....not me.
As of yet, five days later, no answer from them. I sat beside Jared last night and talked to him before I went to bed. I apologized to him. I told him I am trying but I can't make them do anything. I told him of how I have told family and friends who are rallying around me to keep me safe during this time, how this is not about us and NOT about them. I will not let it be. This (these services) is about Jared. They are about his life. I hope his family and friends attend and remember that.
Those who have asked what they can do to help I ask you to pray. Pray his family will attend and lay down the hatred they have for me and lift up the love they have for Jared and celebrate his life at his services.
This is about Jared.
Update
It appears I need to clarify about Jared's funeral services. It was brought to my attention this afternoon the Martin's of Petersburg have planned a funeral and burial for this Friday. I will not be in attendance, nor was I informed by them of any service for my son. JARED IS NOT BEING BURIED IN PETERSBURG. Jared will remain with us as he requested. He will be at the service in Kingston Springs on Monday and the service in Waverly on Wednesday. Again, I am sorry for any confusion and thank you to the many people who have reached out to me to get clarification.
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