Ready to Fly

We were up early this morning,  neither of us slept well at all.   We picked up a friend who is keeping our truck so we don't have to pay for parking this week.   Things went ok until I got to the TSA screeners.   They were in such a hurry to get the AA passengers through that the screener running the machine didn't listen to the lady assisting me.   She grabbed the tote with Jared in it and slid it down the belt hollering for secondary screening.   I lost it.   I broke down I said can't you be careful my son is in there.   Rich is trying to get through to console me then another screener see what just happened.   I went around the corner to get the anger to go away and gather myself.   A really nice man then gently picked him up and asked me to go with him.   He asked if I would like to go to a private room for the screening.   I told him no but please be gentle.   He was so loving and caring of Jared and gave me condolences.   Rich had gotten hung up with his laptop and now we were back together.   Protecting as always. ... she didn't know.   She felt awful when she realized what she had done.   She should I thought.  The flight was inspirational.  Something peaceful came over me and calmed me.  We had a five hour layover in San Juan.   I found that things that never bothered me before are driving me NUTS.  Rude people, those that have group D boarding trying to board with group A, people who are clueless in the security lines.  Contrary to that the things that used to bug me like over priced food and not having our boarding passes for the US Airways legs had no impact on me.
I was reading a book that Dr Marshall had loaned me while in flight to Charlotte.   The flight attendant came by offering drinks and gently asked how I liked the book I was reading.  I told her it helps.  She explained her sister just lost her husband.  I told her it would be ok that two weeks ago today we lost our 17 year old son and that he was at my feet.   I explained we were taking him to the states for services.  She was super sweet and continued to check on us the rest of the flight.
Our last leg was a special flight.   I sat next to a lady on her way to Nashville for the first time.   She explained her brother had suffered a stroke at just 52 years old.   He was relocated by his company a year ago from New Jersey.   We talked and she asked about my travels.   After explaining it we held hands and prayed for healing for everyone Jared had touched and healing for her brother.   She was a colored lady and spoke with a familiar dialect.   She said she had t'ree sisters and her brother.   I smiled and asked where she was from originally.   She said they had moved from Guiana t'irty years ago as refugees.   By the end of the flight we exchanged information.   Another life touched by Jared.   A prayer on a plane by two strangers grieving.
At the end we met up with my step son who I often refer to as our oldest, at the Nashville airport.   He was waiting for us at the gate.  He had flown in earlier today.   Hugs and silence was shared.  We got to luggage claim and met up with dear friends and exchanged more tears and hugs.   As we got to our room I took Jared out of his bag and set him on the table.   Now our friends and our oldest get time to grieve and to process what they are seeing.   I know this week will be emotional and healing.   Hug the ones you love,  say hello or smile kindly to someone you don't. ... it might just have a bigger impact than you think.

Ready To Fly - Don't Miss The World Cup Action

All the due diligence has been done.  I can only pray that all goes smoothly tomorrow.  I have verified Jared can fly in the Urn that was chosen.  I have all the paperwork needed.  Packing has been done.
Jared has been sitting on my table where he could see the TV and watch the US Men's Soccer Team advance to the finals.  This afternoon I tenderly wrapped him up in a towel and placed him gently into his #24 soccer bag.  I will carry him on the plane and back to the states for final farewells.  We will land in Nashville tomorrow evening and for the first time since "it" happened see my step-son.  I know he will be just as ready to see us as we are to see him.  We will be picked up by very close friends of ours and I look forward to getting the familiar hugs that I have been needing.
What will be odd is that every time we have flown Jared has been in the seat next to me.  Always in the window seat and always with his long legs stretched into my leg space.  I am Mom so I don't care I will sit here for the entire flight with no leg room.  Well he won't be in the window seat but he will still be taking my leg room. : )
In the morning I will strap him to my back and together we will make this journey.  I was horrified at the thought of Jared having to be scanned by the TSA but I then heard him say "Cool".  I remember how he giggled at the new scanners in Nashville that put you in a cylinder and blew air on you.  

On Tuesday we will be traveling between Tennessee and Illinois but I know we will be listening to the Men's Game from Brazil.  Jared was looking forward to the World Cup and wanted to meet Tim Howard and wanted to be like him.  In my eyes he was.  I have no doubt Jared would have made it onto that team.  When I watch them play it is like I can see him out there.  I can hear him sitting on the couch next to us yelling at the TV.  One of the coolest memories is going to see the Women's US Olympic Team compete in Nashville a year ago with him and Rich.  It was cold but it didn't stop us.  Just our luck we are seated behind the traveling fan group.  You know the ones that dress up and chant?  Yes....Jared sang those chants....forever.  He really enjoyed that.

So as I travel this week with My Keeper may the Keeper for the US, Tim Howard, have an angel help him block every shot.

We Love Ya

We love ya, we love ya, we love ya

And where you go we'll follow, we'll follow, we'll follow

'Cuz we support the US, the US, the US

That's the way we like it, we like it, we like it

WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tim Howard

Tim Timeree

Tim Timeree

Tim. Tim, Teroo

We have Tim Howard

and he says

Screw You!

Come On, US, Score a Goal

(tune of Yankee Doodle – this often evolves into the Let‟s Go mental chant at tailgates)

Come on, U.S. score a goal,

It‟s really very simple,

Put the ball into the net,

And we‟ll go stupid mental!

DA DA-DA DA DA DA DA!

DA DA-DA DA DA DA!

DA DA-DA DA DA DA DA!

DA DA-DA DA DA DA DA!

Grieving in a Social Media World

I have a mom that cringes at the word Facebook.  "Oh I hate Facebook"  I have met people that say they can't stand all the drama on Facebook.  Well, Facebook long ago added the option of the carrot that allows you to "unfollow" a person.  I have done that over the years to a few.  I don't want to "Unfriend" them because I do care about them and enjoy pictures they have.  But, I too do not like the drama or the F bomb every other word or the pictures of people flipping people off, etc.  One of the first things I checked "that" morning was Jared's Facebook to see if he posted anything.  He hadn't.  However, since "that" day many of his friends have posted pictures of good times they celebrated with him, funny stories, or just a public farewell.  It is not healthy to hold it all in and Facebook has allowed people to grieve together.  It has brought many new Friend requests.  Most importantly, it has the ability for a parent to see into the thoughts of a teen that most of the time is locked up very tightly.  Texting....My phone has so many texts from people...but for me, it was good.  Why?  Because I didn't want to "talk" to anyone.  But I could type a message.  Sometimes I just could not talk but through crocodile tears I could type a ty or thank you or love you too, back.  And this blog....I never expected it to go where it is going.  Over 4500 viewings in 9 countries/territories.  Amazing!  It has led to emails of support from people I have never met but they saw the blog or it was shared at church by a member, or other mothers who have lost a child, other fathers who have lost a child, or parents who are making their children read it.  Not sure if I would have done that but kids and parents alike have expressed how they are seeing into how much pain is associated with a decision that is many times viewed as selfish.  The saying it is a small World is so true.
I guess I look at Social Media as a tool.  Like all tools it can be used for good or bad.  I choose to use all Social Media as a tool for good things.  And like all things when it is no longer needed it needs to be dealt with properly.  That is why in the near future Jared's page will be taken down. Not because I don't love him but because everyone needs to heal.  Jared and I talked about his Dad's Facebook page a few times and he said how so often it hurt him to look at it.  It hurt to see things posted on it post-mortem as a constant reminder to him he was gone.  We had a conversation on June 12th about that very subject.  He was very upset about something that had been posted and cried for over an hour about it.  He said I wish they would just take it down.  He had even written to Facebook and asked them to remove it.  I don't know when he did that because I didn't ask....I just hugged him and told him I knew it hurt to see some things.
Social Media allows you to connect with people who are thousands of miles away and grieve together.  It also allows you to meet and be supported by a "club" you now belong to.
My brother and sister-in-law lost a child in 1994.  I remember because it was just a few months before I got married to Jared's Dad.  I hurt so much for them.  I hurt for their three children who had lost a baby brother just shy of his first birthday.  My brother called me (which he NEVER does) just a couple of days after.  I think it took him that long to be able to call.  When I saw who it was and answered and heard his voice it was a connection that I felt for the first time.  A connection I know neither of us wish we have.  At Jared's service here on Island, a mother came up to me and with a look we connected.  She then handed me a letter and said when I am ready call her.  She had lost her son in a water tragedy here.
While I do not know where this path or road will lead in the future, I know that Social Media will help me find where I am supposed to be.  I will have the love and support of family and friends who are far away.  I will have critics too.  I hope to touch one person who is contemplating suicide as an answer to a problem(s) or comfort one parent who must travel this same road.  While it doesn't feel like it now, I know that I will one day, get to the end of this grieving process.  But  long before I get to the end (because that happens when I pass away), I will learn how to cope with the grief, manage the grief, live with the grief, and use the grief to help others.....just as Jared helped so many.


The picture below is one Rich took on the Sunday before Jared passed.  We were hiking on the West End of St. Croix and went down this road to find a destination that we never made it to.  I think it is beautiful, more now than ever.  It is like my path through grief.  I am not sure what is just beyond what I can see but I know one step at a time, carefully keeping my footing, with a slip every now and then, I will get to where I am going.

My Rock

What do you think of when you hear that?  A gravel drive?  A country road? A diamond ring? I think of a cute little boy in Kindergarten who had found a beautiful shiny rock on the playground and dressed up in his suit the last day of school and took that rock to a Kindergarten teacher and asked her to marry him.  I think of that same teacher telling that story a few years later and saying she still has that rock in her jewelry box and gave her, then fiance, a hard time because Jared had given her a bigger rock.  LOL
I also think of my wonderful husband.  He has been supportive, strong, protective and at time I see his vulnerable side.  To say he is amazing doesn't begin to describe it.
When Jared had his scooter accident in April, Rich was searching everywhere to find the a$$hole who did this to our son.  Little did he know this person was placed in an ambulance with Jared and me, where feelings rushed my body.  Rich was the rock.  He was the one we leaned on to see that everything was going to be ok.  He drove Jared's scooter home as Mom (who was visiting) and I took Jared to the ER.  He followed up on making sure the scooter was safe and drivable.
Then "this".   I can't tell you how, because it is such a fog but he jumped into a focused state of clarity.  He was my rock.  Deb come here, Deb sit down, Deb here is water, Deb here is tissues, Deb.....
He took on all the things I could not do.  I could not talk.  I could not sit up....I was like a wilted flower.  I couldn't raise my arms, it was like they were attached but I could not make them do anything.  He called 911, he called my mom, he called his parents, he called our close friend in Tennessee who was like a second mom to Jared, and he called my step-son, his son to say the brother you have known most all your life is gone.  I couldn't walk, let alone think straight.  He took care of everything. He gathered every business card, every piece of paper with a number and name written on it, he did laundry and dishes and cared for dying pup.  He tried to conceal anything he thought might trigger a tear filled feeling inside me.  Problem was, everything triggered tear filled feelings.
It wasn't for a couple of days before I began asking questions about the autopsy, police reports, detectives, items they had to take, cremation, can Jared fly? Oh my GOD what if he can't fly...we have services and family and friends and ...... Calm down Rich has already thought about it and checked into everything.  I couldn't comprehend anything.  I would watch a television show and Rich would ask what I was watching as he came up on commercial and I couldn't even remember what I was watching.  I know I asked him a few questions multiple times and with gentle and loving tones he would answer....over and over and over again.
I haven't seen my husband vulnerable but once in our 14 years together.  I have seen him very vulnerable the last couple of weeks.  I have continued to watch him make sure nothing or no one would hurt me anymore.  But as we all know that just isn't possible.  I love him for it, but it just isn't possible.
This past Mother's Day Brent wrote me a letter and told me some very deep emotions and he said I was the glue that holds this family together.  I have thought a lot about that these past several days.  I don't know about glue but I will do anything to protect him.  I told Rich the other night I feel like I am on an old metal slide like we had on the playgrounds that would get so hot in the sun and in addition it is covered in baby oil and very slick and I can't slow down, I can't stop, and it hurts.  At the bottom of that slide is my rock.  He catches me everytime I feel I need to just collapse.  I love him more than I could ever express in words or ever show him.  So it is with a warm hug, a gentle kiss, and a soft "I love you" that I say to him....You are my whole World.

This is about Jared! NOT US! and NOT THEM!

Many friends and family have watched my struggles through the years with my now ex-in-laws.  It started at our wedding when friends and family had help set up and decorate only to find when we came in the morning of the wedding things had been changed.  With all the commotion I don't remember caring that much.  But it continued throughout our marriage.  I know it is hard for some of you to believe but I am a stubborn person...pretty thick headed and the daughter of a red headed father.  However, don't bully me.  Throughout our marriage my husband developed what I call "Little Man Syndrome".  It was his way or if need be, it was by force.  He also had a problem with faithfulness.  Now, my ex-mother-in-law did everything to slaughter my name in town but as time went on people saw it was not me that could not be faithful.  My ex-husband also struggled with suicidal issues.  I got him to go to counseling but once his mother found out she convinced him he had nothing wrong and it was me.  So he stopped going.  He had written several letters and told of his inner struggle.  One of these letters still exist today.  He wrote it on the back of our family portrait that hung above our fireplace.  I still have that and long ago turned that backing around so it couldn't be seen.  It now sits in a storage unit with a family portrait consisting of 3 people, two of which are no longer on Earth.  I tried to reach out to his parents and beg them to help me help him, but it was turned back on me.  I was the problem...if I didn't make him mad he wouldn't hit me.  If I didn't upset him he wouldn't have bad feelings.
After a couple of counseling sessions alone, and unknown to my husband, I decided I couldn't do "it" anymore.  I couldn't watch this man I loved so much fall to pieces and no one help me help him.  Most of all I couldn't let him drag me down too.....I have a 2 year old that needs his mother.
I made the hardest decision of my life to that point to leave.  I moved out of our home we had bought together and a life we built together and became a single mom the weekend following Labor Day 1999.  At first things were in Jared's best interest...but that lasted about as long as it took for "Grandma" to hear about it.  Jared's Dad and I had agreed on division of property, visitation schedules, and even child support.  We were going to do this to be the easiest on Jared.  I had taken the paperwork we had drawn up to a lawyer and he filed the documents.  Within a couple of days I get served papers that my ex-mother-in-law is suing me for custody of my son!  Are you kidding me?  Within a month the Supreme Court ruled Grandparents have No Rights.  Case was dropped then I get papers served my husband was suing me for sole custody. By this time I have met Rich.  We have been dating, not really sure why he wanted to stick around with all the drama but I am so very thankful he did, and he has been offered and accepted a job in Tennessee, and has moved. In the end of a THREE year divorce I was awarded Sole Custody and Given Permission to move to Tennessee.  This is known as Case Law...we were the first in Illinois to be awarded permission to move the child out of state at the time of the divorce.  As you can imagine this ignited a firestorm.  I was back in court so many times I can't remember them all.  I can remember a filing that I was unfit because I had pre-cancerous cells removed so that made me unfit to care for Jared, I remember the "she lied" case that went nowhere. The ultimate bankruptcy of my Ex which drug me down as my name was still on many things....which backfired on him because the divorce papers showing property had come out and showed hiding of assets.  By this time he had married the girl he was seeing and had a child with her.  I say girl because she was in high school when I had Jared.
Labor Day was one of Jared's scheduled visitation weekends with his Dad.  He asked if we could go in and talk at the Arby's in Marion for a little bit.  He told Jared in front of me that he and wife #2 were separating and he was moving out the following weekend.  (The weekend after Labor Day)  Their child was 2 years old and had a birthday of just a couple weeks before Jared.  As we walked back out to our cars to get on the road for our 3 hour journey, he asked me what I thought.....PSA don't ask your ex-wife what she thinks....she will tell you!
I said I think you should not get married again and I think you should quit reproducing.  He half listened like every other man in the World.  He did not marry again, but he did have a third child.  That child's birthday is about a month before Jared's.
These five years were nice...really.  He had calmed down when it came to us.  We got along and could talk and work for Jared's best interest.  But all good things must come to an end, as they say.  September 12, 2010 he took his life as he was separating with his live in girlfriend the mother of his third child, who was in 7th grade when I had Jared and their child was 2.
See the pattern?  Every 5 years on the weekend after Labor Day he would have a relationship end.  Every 5 years he would have a boy born within a 30 day span of each other.....like clock work.
And then....the lawsuits began AGAIN!  By April of 2011 I had been sued for custody once again in Tennessee Courts this time.  It was asking for custody and if not then they wanted Jared's father's visitation schedule.  I will spare you all the details but in short they were not granted what they asked for.  They were granted a total of 12 days for the year. Perhaps the worst part was my son was forced to testify in a courtroom...pinning him between his mother and his grandparents....This should NEVER be!  Then after I reached out to them to discuss moving to the VI (Virgin Islands) I get ANOTHER LAWSUIT!  Are you F'n kidding me?  That one was ultimately dropped and filed as such just a couple of days before we left Tennessee.  This past Christmas we returned to the States where we shared the Holiday with our families and I allowed Jared to have much additional time with his Grandparents.  They were ordered to 1 day at Thanksgiving and 1 day at Christmas and I had given them almost a week.  I had reached out to Grandma and expressed my concerns and that Jared was struggling with some issues and needed to be watched carefully.  I needed to be contacted if ANY thing happened.  I was greeted with...It is all your fault, you don't love him, you never have, you are a terrible mom, he doesn't want to be with you. - WHATEVER this is about Jared.
Now, I know I am the biggest B in the World....ask them, they will tell you.
I am NOW in a situation where I am having to make hardest decisions of my life.  Do I do what I have been asked to do by Jared or do I do what has been "tradition" or "normal" in our family to do?
I had the Sheriff's Department notify them of the situation prior to making it public.  As soon as I got the notification they knew I posted on Facebook.  I was already getting people here on island asking questions.  On Sunday I called and got my ex-father-in-law and at first I felt relief.  He and I had always had a good working relationship....but NO more.  Here came the - he needs this done....he needs to be buried here, don't cremate, etc, etc  we will pay for everything if you will not cremate and bury him next to his Dad....I am sure that is what he would want if he knew it were available.  With all the energy I could find from within I politely said, Thank you for the offer but I must do what he has asked. This was met with more I can't believe he would not want this and be buried next to his dad......  I am still waiting for the next lawsuit.....will they try to block the cremation?  VI verified that can't happen and I now have him.  He got his wish. Will they try to sue me for his remains......TRY ME
"Thank you and I will notify you of arrangements.  Please let me know if you will be attending."
After arrangements were made in Tennessee and Illinois, where he said they would be interested in attending, I asked my husband to contact them.  I just didn't have the inner strength to deal with it again.   He got an answering machine.  He left his cell number and email (hey if you don't want to talk to us that is fine email us - probably prefer this) Please let us know of the following people who will be there so we can have special seating for them.  Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, Uncle, Brother +1, Brother +1.  The same arrangements as for my family.  After all, Jared was extremely upset and apologized for them and the way I was treated at his Dad's funeral.  This is for Jared....not me.
As of yet, five days later, no answer from them.  I sat beside Jared last night and talked to him before I went to bed.  I apologized to him.  I told him I am trying but I can't make them do anything.  I told him of how I have told family and friends who are rallying around me to keep me safe during this time, how this is not about us and NOT about them.  I will not let it be.  This (these services) is about Jared.  They are about his life.  I hope his family and friends attend and remember that.
Those who have asked what they can do to help I ask you to pray.  Pray his family will attend and lay down the hatred they have for me and lift up the love they have for Jared and celebrate his life at his services.
 This is about Jared.


Update
It appears I need to clarify about Jared's funeral services. It was brought to my attention this afternoon the Martin's of Petersburg have planned a funeral and burial for this Friday. I will not be in attendance, nor was I informed by them of any service for my son. JARED IS NOT BEING BURIED IN PETERSBURG. Jared will remain with us as he requested. He will be at the service in Kingston Springs on Monday and the service in Waverly on Wednesday. Again, I am sorry for any confusion and thank you to the many people who have reached out to me to get clarification.

• Heather White Barnhouse, Stacey Lang Schafer, Paul Nelson and 5 others like this.
• 

  Susan Whatley oh no - let love for Jared work this out.

  1 hr · Like
• 

  Debbie Martin Susan Whatley I have already talked to Jared and cried and told him I was sorry they are choosing to continue to divide instead of unite. It wasn't until lately that I realize how much hurt he was dealing with

  1 hr · Like
• 

  Susan Whatley Debbie Martin - you are doing Great! I have been following every word that you have posted. (As has multitude of others,) Let the Love shine through.

  55 mins · Unlike · 1
• 

  Debbie Martin Thank you Susan Whatley. I think tomorrow (later today) I will need a cup of tea about 3 o'clock. : )

  54 mins · Like
• 

  Susan Whatley Oh - We both need that tea.

He is Home

We got the call last night that all the paperwork had finally come through.  I say finally but in reality it was very quickly for the islands.  Jared would be ready to come home in the morning.  I made sure I could sleep through the night and this morning I was full of anxiety.  I would get this lump in my throat each time the phone would ring.  Then the dreaded no ring but voicemail notification.  That is odd...they have been calling Rich....this isn't them.  It was Dr. Marshall.  She was calling to check on us and to offer a book she found in her office for us to read.  So we made arrangements to meet her and pick it up.  Rich then placed a phone call to see if Jared was ready for us to pick him up.  And......he was.  It was a pleasant experience.....as these things go.  I cried with the phone call, I cried on the way there, I cried sitting in the office waiting on the death certificate and cremation certificate to be printed, and I cried when I saw him come through the door.  She gave us a few minutes alone and the flood of emotions that came through my body....I can't tell you what all they were.   I know I felt like he was there.  I know crazy but it was a feeling.  I also heard that voice after a few minutes..."Come on Mom I wanna go home".  So I picked up the Urn and I remember saying.....good grief kid you are heavy!  I was not prepared for the weight of it.  But with loving arms I carried him to the truck.  Rich asked are you sure you want to carry him and I replied yes, I carried him into this World and carried him home the first time and I will do it this time too.  We then stopped by Dr. Marshalls to pick up the book she offered us on loan and back to the house so Rich could work.  I sat him on the pedestal which ironically is right in line where he could watch the World Cup!  I picked Poco up and let him see what was going on....he has been very sad and mopey and sick.  How much is sadness and how much is illness?  I don't know.  But he looked at Jared then at me and then dropped his head.  That broke my heart.  As we prepare to travel I know that he may not be here when we get back.  He is so ill but he is almost 100 in dog years!  Again, my husband and my rock was with me through this all trying to protect me every moment.  But this is a path I must walk and I will come out on the other end stronger.
This afternoon I went for a scoot to clear my head (scooter ride) and to get the mail.  It was invigorating.  The air blowing on my face, the smell of salty air, the clarity.  AMAZING  I talked to Jared.  I told him I was ok but I am mad at him.  I am mad because........
I love you so much Jared.  I reflected on our scoots together.  How we would ride together in the mornings on his way to school and how we scooted together a couple of weeks ago to go look at tablets.  It was fun.  We rode side by side and enjoyed talking and teasing each other at each stop we came to.  Had I have known the future I would have ridden around this island a 100 times with him.  I stopped on the way in the neighborhood to see a friend and had a nice talk as I looked out over the ocean.  I thought about all the wonderful times I have enjoyed with Jared in and under the water.  Cruising, snorkeling, diving, boating, swimming, and baptism.
Tonight his best friend from the island will come for a visit and I can just hear Jared now......Let's watch the World Cup....mom can you make me lemonade and something to eat?
Tonight we will enjoy our visit with friends a little more....without cell phones or other electronic devices distracting us.  Just listening, laughing, and enjoying one another.

Come Pick Me Up

This morning, like others, I hear his voice telling me to get up, let Poco out to the bathroom , get coffee on, fix breakfast for Rich, breath in, breath out, and Mom get your shower I need you to come get me.  It gave me chills.  I would get that call all the time...come pick me up.
I knew already I had to go to the post office and pick up his forever resting place.  I walked in and handed them my card to get my package and they met me at the door .  With an "I'm so sorry" smile she handed me a box marked "fragile".  If you only knew I thought.

I knew I had to open it and I wasn't going to sit in front of the Post Office so I headed down to sit to look into the harbour but I couldn't get into there either.  So I pulled to the side of the road and took my Scooter key and opened the box.  It is beautiful....and heavy as hell!   

Rich has researched to see if we need any special permission or charges on the flights and learned if it/he could go through the TSA scanner we would have no problem.  At first it brought me to tears thinking he would have to go through a scanner like a piece of luggage....then I hear...."Cool, that'll be fun".  Sounds just like him.  So with tear filled eyes I was on my way to the airport.  My loving husband had an instinct like no other and called me as I turned onto the road to the airport.....just to see how I was.  I told him where I was and how beautiful it was.  We hung up as I pulled in to the airport.  I took the ball in and asked for a TSA agent and was pointed to Customs.  I explained with a lump in my throat was I was holding and why I was asking and if they could please verify they could screen it and not be an issue.  The agent took me to Customs where it was a quick absolutely no problem to carry on.  Then she took me over to the screeners and in Spanish or some version of, she told the lady something and I got "that look" and then she explained what I was needing.  They again told me as long as it could go through.  That is why I am here could you please send it through so when we fly this weekend I don't have any issues....absolutely.  I stood there and tears fell...couldn't stop them....tried...but nope couldn't do it.  Deep breathes, Calm Down I said....nope. So let them fall I thought.  The lady came back and said not a problem and she said there is nothing in there....it is empty....with such caution.  I said yes I just picked it up and on my way to crematorium to drop it off but I needed to make sure after I get it back I won't have a problem we have to go to the states this weekend.  She was so nice and told me what I would see once the ashes are in there and prepared for the screening process.  She asked me when we are flying and I told her so as all ears were perked in the area, she said I will make sure everyone here knows and will be watching for you. Everyone in there with her agreed with her.  I am sure I just rocked their day in a way they were not expecting....after all we are St Croix about the worst they deal with is someone trying to take bananas on the plane.

Within 15 minutes I am back on the road headed to drop off this Urn feeling relieved and calling Rich to assure him I am fine.  I had this indescribable feeling as I pulled into the parking lot.  A door was open next to the one I needed to go into.  I don't know if it was the same suite on not but you wonder.  I met with the lady and left the Urn after the Condolences and I'm so sorrys.  I know Jared is here.  I know somewhere in this building my son is lying there.  I heard him say earlier come pick him up and the urge to want to go see him one last time was so strong.  As I climbed into the truck I hear him say I'm not ready yet Mom.  I will call you.  Sigh...really Jared?  I know paperwork is holding everything up.  But he isn't ready to come home yet.  So I need to get my nails fixed before I travel and I was determined to make myself go.  Along the way my mom called to say just check on me.  How did she know?  Nevermind...she is Mom....she knew.  I explain what has happened in my day and where I am headed and she said that is exactly what I need.  I walked in to the salon and something said you should get a pedicure.  I rarely ever do that.  The lady said pick out the color.....I went straight for this red and blue glitter and she said you need a color under it again straight for a dark blue.....Harpeth Blue.  I don't even remember any other colors all I remember is this very long wall with a rainbow of color.  I closed my eyes and felt the chair massage me trying to hold back tears that wanted to fall when I hear "they look nice Mom"  I opened my eyes as I was startled but he wasn't there.  I looked down and they are nice Blue with Read and Blue Glitter on top.  This is SSSOOOOO out of character for me.  I usually get red or pink.....I don't go outside that box.  So why?  I think it is just someone having some fun and getting me ready for a Harpeth Soccer Game.

I returned home and Rich and I have had lunch.  Waiting for a call to "Come Pick Me Up"

At about 5:00 Atlantic Time we got the call that all the paperwork has come through and they were caring for Jared and he will be able to come home in the morning.

In The Beginning....A Child Is Born

Jared was a blessing to Dan and I.  We had lost 3 early into the pregnancy and wondered if it wasn't meant to be.  Then finally a stubborn baby decided to stick around.  To say we were excited is an understatement.  Jared was born on April 9, 1997.  It was witnessed by his Dad, Dan and my mom.  He came out perfect, not wrinkly and all.  This photo was just 3 days old.  He always was off the charts with his development and height and on target for weight.  He was healthy and always smiling.  Even at this age he was bright eyed and ready to explore the world....and looking for mischief to get into.

But What Happened?

Saturday June 14th was supposed to be a busy day with me getting Jared up at 6:30 to take the ACT. Then get Rich up to go diving. Poco and I were going to stay home that morning to get meds and food into him as he hadn't been himself, even his sick self, for a few days. Then in the afternoon, Jared had asked Rich to go diving at Cane Bay so the plan was to pack up and head to the beach where I would just sit and relax. Saturday night I was supposed to help Jared make a Chocolate Rum Cake for Rich for Father's Day. On Sunday Jared had planned for he and Rich to go hike at Point Udall. But our day was turned up-side-down.
I got up to get Jared up and let Poco out to the bathroom. I walked into Jared's room and found he wasn't in bed, his fan was on, and Poco was wanting out of his kennel. I thought oh cool Jared is already up and ready. But I noticed a notebook lying on his bed next to his phone. No big deal but I didn't see Jared in the bathroom either. I grabbed the notebook....I don't know why. I proceeded outside to let Poco potty. I am standing there reading this and not processing a damn thing. Until I got to the part where he said "Mom I love you so very much and I am sorry you are the one who has to find me." "Rich I love you so much, you did your best for me, but I have to be with my Dad." I had this lump and at some point I was back in the house. I went back to his bedroom, looked out the front door for verification the scooter was still here, checked to see if he somehow got the Blazer to run. (it has a bad battery) And then.......I found him. I don't remember but I am told I screamed like I have never screamed before. I remember touching him and I knew he wasn't there. Rich is now with me, panic, fear, and a flood of feelings hit you when you experience something like this. I can't explain it. The next thing I remember is holding him. Hugging him. I must have said "No" a million times. I remember hearing Rich outside calling 911. Then I went somewhere in my mind to protect myself I think. I will not share the specifics as I feel that is private. But I will tell you as I look back on it, he chose what he felt was the easiest on me. It was peaceful.
The police arrived with ambulance and detectives and there must have been a dozen people in the house....maybe more. Eventually, we had investigators and coronors and they had contacted Jared's Psychiatrist Dr. Marshall. She cried with me and we talked and a nice lady with the police department sat with me and talked. So much is a blur.
What I do remember is how my husband turned into someone I had never seen before. He was sheltering me from everything. He didn't want me to see anything that might be difficult.....too late. I remember him going outside a lot and talking quietly so I couldn't hear him....he didn't want to upset me more. How is that possible?
Eventually it was Dr. Marshall and the Detective and us. We looked at phones, texts, emails, pictures, tablets....everything. I remember feeling like I was in a movie and I just wanted to wake up. Things were just as I had said in the beginning. Wasn't over a girl, wasn't over bad grades, wasn't over drugs....it was a broken heart. I remember the Detective saying something about you told me that when I walked in but I didn't understand what you meant. I remember Rich coming in right after that from calling my mom and his parents and trying to reach Brent. I, in NO way, could have done that task that day. In fact I found myself literally having to remind myself to breath in, breath out. Eventually everything the Detective needed was gathered up and taken away. He apologized and explained that in the Virgin Islands suicide is a serious felony....problem there isn't anyone to prosecute. So Jared also got to add felony to his speeding tickets.
They eventually left and I sat here numb my arms felt like they weighed a ton each. I felt like a blow up snowman at Christmas that the fan had been shut off and I was just a pile. I eventually was able to reach out to an old friend at the Menard County Sheriff's office and asked him to help with notifying Jared's Grandparents there. They are my ex-in-laws and no secret they hate me. In fact they hate me far more than they ever loved Jared. When I notified my ex-mother-in-law about Jared's struggles and he was going to need support over Christmas....I was greeted with it was all my fault and I don't love him and I never listen to him. So do I want to hear this again right now? No and would I ask my husband who is just as fragile as I am right now to do this? No. The Friend agreed, then he called back to insure that he had heard me correctly and to digest it himself. He let me know as soon as notification had been made so I could post the message your read in the previous blog so everyone heard at once. This is a small island and news was already traveling.
I received as mean message through Facebook from a friend of the ex-in-laws and after I read it I deleted it. I remember thinking "Go F____ Yourself". Maybe because I have ill feelings that my son had to find out about his father's suicide via a text message from his Dad's neighbor and a voice mail his grandmother left him. Then she called me. My son was just 13 years old! You didn't think it important enough to notify me first to support him? No you hated me more than you loved him. So as I was trying to shelter Jared from this he found his phone and read the coldest text possible...."Dude I just heard your Dad shot himself in the head. There are ambulances there." So do I care that not all the extended family hadn't been notified yet? NO I DON'T!
After posting the notification I broke down. I then started getting messages from family and friends.
I then realized it is after noon and I have not heard Poco cry, wimper, bark....nothing....where is my sick dog. Lying behind his Dad's chair where he feels safe. Rich held me the whole day. He made sure I was safe and ok...he fielded calls, he did laundry, he did dishes. He was amazing. Not sure how he did it but that was his way of trying to process everything. I love my husband more that I could ever express to him.

Anger and Pity

Good Evening...PSA: Many people have friend requested me and sent me private messages asking me to continue to share my experiences with them. Some for healing themselves and others to understand and explain to their own children. So if this is too much please click the carrot in the upper right hand corner and "unfollow" my posts.
The past couple of days I have experienced a couple of emotions that are Normal but don't get talked about much. Anger and Pity. I am angry at Jared Martin for leaving me. I am angry for him leaving me here without him. I am angry for him doing this to his friends. I am angry at him....just because.
I pity myself....isn't that awful? But I do....or did and probably will again. I don't get Senior Pictures, Senior Night, Graduation, College, Senior prom, I don't get to "hate" the girl who steals my baby's heart, and I won't get grandchildren. Which sparks the anger again. How dare you!
Don't get me wrong....I have a beautiful step son Brent, and I love him as much as I do Jared, but I make a conscious decision to NOT step on "Mom Territory". Brent knows I am here if he ever needs me but I will not try to take the place of anyone.
Over the past week I have learned a few things about Jared. And they make me laugh. Like him getting extremely drunk at Reef Jam. I know many of you are probably cringing right now. But 18 is legal age here to drink and we all know he looked every bit of that. But you know what....I am glad. Why? Because he got to experience it. He also got to experience puking and a hangover. I also learned that our bill at The Mill was larger when Jared was there because he bought friends of ours beers....on our tab....LOL What a kind heart. I am sure that as time goes on I will learn more. I hope I do anyway.
But I really enjoyed learning what a kind heart he showed everyone. At his service here there were Christians, Catholics, Jews, Islamics, young, old, black, white, unpopular, popular, rich and poor. What I am so very proud of is he treated everyone the same. The lady at our guard shack who came in her 2nd job uniform and said he is the only one that speaks to her every time he goes by and every morning says Good Morning. The boy who came up and stuttered as he said he wanted me to know how special Jared made him feel because Jared always laughed at his jokes no matter how corny they were. He said he doesn't have many friends but Jared always took time to talk to him. All of this then again sparks anger and pity.
While I know this is all normal and I work through it with a very wonderful supportive husband, it is a struggle at times.
What it has reminded us is to say hello, smile, wave, acknowledge everyone around us. As we left the neighborhood tonight Rich muted the radio and rolled down his window as we approached the shack and I asked him what he was doing....he replied....I am saying Good Evening.
Jared embraced the Island life style which is Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening. He was happy here. I know this many ways but confirmed in his own words. However, he was "homesick" for Tennessee. He missed his friends there and the way things were. But as we all know things change.
I hope everyone says hello or Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening to someone new tomorrow. It will make you feel good.

2 SharesLikeLike ·  · Share

• Sandra Lashley, Chasity Swartz Bandor, Donald Deal and 84 others like this.
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  Melanie Dixon Good evening. Talk to you tomorrow. Ly. Hope you both sleep well.... or at least better

  June 22 at 12:18am · Unlike · 1
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  Corey Stewart You are in my thoughts and prayers, Debbie Martin. I can't (and hope I never have to) experience the array of emotions you must be feeling. I am sure everything you feel is completely normal. Please let me know if you need anything.

  June 22 at 12:19am · Unlike · 1
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  Alicia Drake Norris You have every right to feel all of those emotions. I can't imagine what you are going through. My heart aches so bad for you. Every picture you post, I see the gentle boy that was Jared. I can feel the love you had for him through your posts. You raised him to be that loving man. You get to grieve and I hope people understand that.  to you over this next week as you go through the services.

  June 22 at 12:19am · Unlike · 2
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  Lisa Vann Gusty Love, Laughter and Peace to you and your family, Debbie! You have a right to be you and feel the way you do...no one else understands what you have been and going through....but you know, you are strong and it will take time. But Jared will always be with you in your heart and soul. He was a wonderful kid who had a kind heart! You are an awesome and loving Mom! Don't ever let anyone's words tell you any difference...you know who you are and that is what matters! Jared loved you very much!

  June 22 at 12:37am · Edited · Unlike · 3
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  Rachel Titus Atta Girl! You are normal. What you're feeling is normal. You working through it and sharing is healing. You're an amazing woman and I love that through the anger, self pity, and sadness, you're learning a new way of life. Through your loss, you are awakening. Always a thought and prayer for you passes through my days. I appreciate you for what I'm learning through your journey. Thank you Deb.

  June 22 at 3:00am · Unlike · 2
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  Donna Jimmerson Thank you Rachel Titus, You hit the nail on the head!!! So well said. Think of you Debbie Martin all the time. Keep strong!

  June 22 at 8:25am · Unlike · 1
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  Janene Johnson VanBebber I have never lost a child to suicide and I know my experience is really no comparison to your's. What I do know is I have walked through those times and I know those emotions well. At times I hated myself for it especially thoughts of jealousy for those who were blessed to not experience it. Those thoughts, emotions, questions of why are all VERY normal and I would be more concerned for you if you didn't experience it. Unfortunately it is the path of grief, but I have no doubt that you will survive. It won't be pretty at times, but the end results will bring beauty just as they are now by being real to others about this. You are inspiration to many including me.

  June 22 at 8:42am · Unlike · 3
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  Colleen Carley Debbie Martin thanks for sharing.

  June 22 at 9:41am · Unlike · 1
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  Beth Hoffman Tiesler I will not be clicking "the carrot". I love that you are able to share with us your very personal stories. I hope it helps you too. BTW , I m still hugging your neck really hard!

  June 22 at 10:51am · Unlike · 4
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  DeeDee Burns McCarty Debbie that was so well said. I had goosebumps the whole time I read it. I can't imagine how u feel, we have been through a lot of those thoughts but still have our son. Just can't stop thinking about u:((

  June 22 at 3:39pm · Unlike · 1
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  Debbie Martin Thank you all so much. I love you all.

  June 22 at 3:48pm · Like · 2
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  Meaghan Helton Morris Mrs. Martin,
  I can't say that I understand the pain and feelings that you are going through. However, what I can say is this you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. No one can tell a mother who has lost their child to feel a certain way. I have been amazed at the strength and courage you have shown over the last week. You are truly an amazing woman and mother!!

  June 22 at 5:34pm · Unlike · 2
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  Janet Redpath I had a sister that had four boys and three of them committed suicide so that left one and she passed away this last august and I don't know how she did it

  June 22 at 7:07pm · Unlike · 1
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  Lori Boyd Minks Debbie thank you for sharing with us the good and the bad. I would worry about you if you didn't have the anger. Praying for you.

  June 22 at 8:04pm · Unlike · 1
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  Jen Reiterman-Bailey Debbie Martin jared knows you are angry and sad and hurt andbhe knew before he left earth bit one thing you can think about is this.... jared knows you love him no matter how hurt or angry or sad you are and he knew you will always love him him. You h...See More

  June 22 at 8:24pm · Unlike · 1
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  Melinda Muller Debbie I am keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayets! Every time you post something I read it and want to give you the biggest hug. You are going through the right emotions for what your going through. I wish that no one every had to deal with everything that is left after a suicide. Again love ya and giving you big hugs and prayers. You had an amazing and good looking son!! ♡♡

  June 22 at 11:42pm · Unlike · 1
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  Sandra Lashley Much love to you Debbie. I won't click the carrot. I cannot imagine what you're going through and I'm grateful that you are willing to share some of it with us. I am in awe of your strength, your sense of humor, and your generosity of spirit.

  Yesterday at 5:36am · Unlike · 1