I Pray

I pray for an Easter miracle.  I really do.  I have been so extremely moody lately it is almost an out of body experience.  I try to not snip at Rich but sometimes it happens before I even realize.  I am so tired of being tired.  Tired of hurting physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I am exhausted.  I have a puppy that needs me and doesn't have a problem letting me know she does.  Nor does she have a problem letting me know she is upset with me.  I am trying to stay focused but it just isn't working some days.  I feel like I have no skeleton inside holding me up anymore.

I pray to God every day, several times a day.  I ask for a miracle.  Please God just bring back Jared, PLEASE!  I have watched the segments on the Today Show this week and science is backing up what I already know.  So if we are there where we can cross over and back than please God, let me visit Jared for a moment or just bring him back!

I have so much anxiety about this week I can't focus.  I should be happy and focused on an anniversary  of my marriage but I haven't even gotten him so much as a card.  Why?  I know I will get through this week one day at a time just as I have all the other holidays that have come and gone.  This is hard.  No Easter basket to put together with things Jared would like.  No birthday cake to make.  No presents to wrap nor excitement of getting him something he has wanted all year.

I have cried a bucket of tears this week.  Usually not at convenient times.  Like driving down the road and for seemingly no reason they just start flowing.  Or walking down the grocery store isle and like a pregnant woman who's water just broke there they come.  That isn't to mention watching commercials in Spanish that I don't even understand and start crying.  sigh.  Why?

I feel so close and yet so very far away from Jared.  I am blessed to have such a spiritual connection with him that continues.  But, I am human, therefore I am selfish, and I want more.  I know God has work for me to do, as well does Jared.  But for a moment in my sleep can He not just take me to visit His glorious home then bring me back to finish the work he needs?

I pray whatever He wants I do.  I pray I hear him clearly with instructions.  I pray that when it is my time to go, Jared is the first one that greets me beside the Lord.  I also pray that God will get email or Facebook even a phone for us to talk with our loved ones.  That would be an awesome Facebook page of God's selfies with our loved ones don't you think?  God at the soccer games?  God watching us?  Oh Lord....don't post those pics please.

I pray that people let go of the hate they are holding.  I can barely scroll through Facebook because of the terrible political bashing going on both directions and the bashing going on over a law that exists in more than half the country but they are ready to crucify the Indiana Governor.  HATE please let it go.  Tolerance of differences.  I think of all of us like Legos.  We are all different shapes, colors, and sizes.  Some of us fit together better than others.  But when we are all used correctly in harmony, we create a pretty darn cool place.  Take a look at this amazing Lego sculpture.

I pray you all have an amazing Easter.

Class of 2015

If I were to give a speech to the Class of 2015:

Hello class.  I want to thank you for listening to me.  We have been through a lot together, and I hope to never lose contact with you.  I would say that the Class of 2015 has had more than anyone's fair share of difficult times.  I decided to look back at all that has changed in the world and things that have impacted us all since you were born.  Here is some of what I have found.  We all learned the name Monica Lewinsky, watched President Clinton get impeached and then acquitted.  We have watched US Embassy bombings in Tanzania, Kenya, and Bengazi.  We have watched Gay and Lesbian movements including extreme brutality and endearing affections.  We have watched the Dow Jones yo-yo.  We watched what became the first, unfortunately many more to follow, school shootings at Columbine which has brought gun control and bullying into the debate it is today.  We have watched Mother Nature let us know who is in charge with her tornadoes in Oklahoma that killed 50 people to her floods in Tennessee that washed away homes.  We even survived the dreaded Y2K bug that was going to wipe us all out.  We have watched as foreign and domestic terrorists have attacked us by land, sea, and air.  We all learned the term "hanging chad" thanks to the 2000 election and the state of Florida.  We watched indestructible building fall on 9/11 as each of us hugged you a little tighter that night. We learned Anthrax was not just a heavy metal band name.  We watched as our family and friends went off to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom.  We watched as we lost the Space Shuttle Columbia and all the wonderful astronauts on board.  We watched as building and fire codes strengthened across the country after a series of fun nights in a night clubs turned deadly.   We watched as Saddam Hussein was captured as well as Osama Bin Laden.  We watched the launch of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and many other social networks.  We watched some of the deadliest hurricanes hit the US including Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Rita, Wilma, Ike, Irene, Sandy and Katrina.  We watched Massachusetts become the first state to legalize same sex marriage. We watched in horror as Virginia Tech was hit by tragedy.  We watched the I35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis.  We watched the beginning of the recession.  We watched as tornadoes killed over 60 people in Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Alabama, including many college students.  We watched gasoline prices rise to unbelievable highs, but to you they were just numbers on a sign and pump and normal.  We watched the first African-American president elected.  We watched the creation of the Tea Party.  We experienced the death of a pop icon, Michael Jackson and many of you were born when we lost a Princess.   We watched the last Space Shuttle touch down ending space exploration.  Sandyhook now brings instant sadness to us with just one word. We did see some technology invented together.  They include Ipods, Gamecubes, Xbox, Nintendo DS, PSP, Blu-Ray, Wii, Ipod Touch, Ipad, and Iphones.
So I thought about what positive has happened to us during this time?  Well here is what I feel.  You have a different outlook on life.  You have seen the evil that can take place, in what seems to be an overwhelming amount.  But you WILL make a difference on our world.  I believe you will make our world better.  You have compassion like no other generation, in my opinion.  You support your peers and adults alike.  While you can hurt one another with words, you also have shown you can build each other back up with actions.  You can make this world a better place if you so choose to do so.  But you will make a difference - which way will you make it?
You have lost parents, siblings, and classmates.  You are stronger today than yesterday.  You have an understanding that the "taboo" topics must be talked about if we are going to fix them.  You can change this world.  You can find cures for what is we are told will never be cured.  You can invent technology to help those who feel helpless.  You have helped to invent fun words like "selfie" and my hope is you help me delete the words like "suicide".   While we can't change the ways or minds of us old people, your minds are open to seeing the wonderful possibilities of what can, and should be.
Class of 2015 I beg you, please make this world a Kinder World, a More Understanding World, and a More Loving World.

My Sister

Many people don't even know I have a sister.  But she is also, quite possibly, my best friend, mentor, and at times my mother.

I will give you a little map of my family.  My mother married her high school sweetheart and had 3 children in order, my brother, my sister, and my brother.  That marriage broke up for reasons that don't concern me and my mother then became pregnant with me, then married my father.  Yes in that order.  Taboo at the time!  Probably where I get my rebel streak....lol.  Anyway, my father had been married more than he should have been.  His first marriage produced 3 boys, his second produced 1 son, and then you guessed it....the long awaited girl....me.  Well these are the kids we know about.  May be more but for all intense purposes with the government we are his children.  But then there are actually others that I consider to be close in a way that is difficult to explain.  My mother's first husband's wife had two boys and the youngest and I were close in age and I think felt a lot of the same confusing feelings about our place in the family.  So if you are not completely confused just wait.  Might help if you get a pen and paper and start drawing a tree or bush or......tumbleweed.

Anyway, let me go in reverse order, the oldest boy of my mom's ex-husband's wife's boys seemed to me to be the pride and joy of the family.  Again, this is just my young child view.  But the youngest that was close to my age, I always sensed was a little "left out" of things.  Not sure why, but just appeared that way to me.  He was sweet and kind and gentle natured.  To this day we still communicate and thanks to Facebook it makes it easier to do so.  He is doing well and has a beautiful family.
My siblings that share the same father as I on the other hand well, we are no Walton Family. In fact it was a 10 year gap from when my father passed to when I saw any of them again.  When I graduated high school I reached out to my father's brother, my uncle and asked him to supply their addresses so I could invite them to my graduation.  After all it was all my mother's fault I hadn't seen them in so long, RIGHT?????  Well the youngest and just a couple of years older than I was, and also an only child from the marriage, came to my graduation and surprised me.  We share a lot of anger towards our father's family but the difference is I have learned to let much of it go because it does me no good.  I feel he still struggles to this day.  We kept in touch in the year's following my high school graduation but in a very sparingly communicated way.  You see he was married at the time we were reunited and I then got married, he then went through a divorce, and I then went through a divorce....basically life happened.  But it was ok.
My other 3 brothers were full siblings.  They shared their own bond.  Two went military and were much older than I am and one went to college. In fact the youngest of those three made a career of the military.......for years!  We met up at my graduation and periodically throughout the years but no significant relationship as siblings ever manifested itself.
My uncle passed a few years ago and I was unable to make the service.  The youngest brother did attend and he called me so upset about how things happened at the service and beyond that he didn't approve of.  I shared my feelings on the whole event.  I told him, " I have learned to live without them as siblings this long, I don't need them now".  I also told him while we are are family by blood, that is about the extent of it when it comes to them and he could always talk to me.  I wasn't mean, I was just matter of fact.  He was struggling because of a now severed relationship with his mother.  This left him feeling completely alone.    He was the only one from Dad's children that attended Jared's funeral and the only one who had never met Jared.  Speaks volumes in my book.  We exchanged few words but lots of unspoken words.  I told him we would talk soon.  I know he wants nothing more than to make a family out of a puzzle that is missing more than half the pieces.

My mother's children and I have a much closer relationship.  Her youngest son and I are probably closer, because we spent the most time growing up together.  Although, he is ten years older than I am, we still have a pretty special bond.  He was always the one that could pick on me, but don't think you can or he will set you straight.  He and also share a bond that neither of us wish we had.  We both have experienced loss of child.  His youngest child was lost in 1994 after rolling off a bed onto the floor just before his first birthday.  What is hard to explain then, and now, is why did we all lose him.  When he reached out to me after the loss of Jared there was a lot, a LOT of quiet time on the phone but volumes said in silence.
My oldest brother lived with my grandparents after my parents got together and also went into the military.  I have been angry with him for many year.  Why?  Because in my eyes as my mother was struggling with making ends meet he had abandoned us.  Why would you let your mother and siblings struggle so much and why would you not help?  Well, I never have talked to him about any of these feelings but a few short years ago, I let all those feelings I felt go.  I realized they were not my feelings to have.  I don't know why he did, or really if he did, or did not do anything to help.  What I know is we all made it through just fine and we are strong individuals for it.
Lastly, my sister.  She has been a mother to me at times.  She has been a mentor to me without even knowing it.  She has been my best friend at times.  She has been a role model and an inspiration without trying.  She and my youngest brother did not graduate high school because of, what I blame on my father.  But my brother got his GED the week before his youngest daughter graduated high school fulfilling a promise he made to himself.  My sister also got her GED and went on to be successful by hard work and determination.  She was pregnant at 16 because of circumstances she should have never faced. She married and has two beautiful sons and also two step-children now.  She too faced a divorce in her life.  She raised her boys for many years on her own.
My sister reaches out to me, seemingly when I need it the most, and sends me a text with a simple "I love you" or like last week, sends me books to read.  Now my family knows I disliked reading all my life.  reading=punishment for me. But somehow, after Jared passed I am finding great comfort in reading.  I am not sure why but maybe because I feel I am being guided into what to read.  Like coded messages.
She sent me two books, The Ultimate Gift and The Ultimate Life.  Ironically at times I felt like I was reading my own story.  They talk about a disjointed family who is self absorbed and the grandfather tried to give them the best life only to realize at the end they didn't appreciate, nor learn life's most important lessons along the way.  However, he had one grandson that he saw hope in for reasons only a grandfather could know.  You follow this young man through his journey to achieve the ultimate Gift after a year of following his grandfather's directions in order to get his chunk of a very large pie.  See grandpa was an oil billionaire, a cattle billionaire, and a portfolio that seemed to never end.  So each of his living children got their piece of the estate including ranches, oil industries, etc.  Kind of reminded me of my father's passing.  Things were quickly ripped apart that by father's youngest son and I were left with nothing.  To me, it made life easier in retrospect.  I had nothing for them to come after.  But then after the family realized what he was left in the will, after he spent a year following the orders his grandfather left and all the tests of life given to him, well then guess what?  Yep!  His own flesh and blood, including his mother, sued him for his chunk.  This took me to a place that made me angry.  This took me to court in Tennessee after Dan died and the Petersburg Martin's sued me for my son.  Over and over and over again, one law suite after another in pursuit of having total control over everything.  In the book, if they family ever contested the will, they would give up everything they were left.  Something none of them took the time to realize until it was pointed out in court.  Sure they were to win and get the billions left to the grandson, they forged ahead.  Just as in my case.  Sure they were going to win Jared over and have him live with them, they continued relentlessly to achieve total control.  In the book, after a year of never ending court, the young grandson showed the Ultimate Gift of Love by asking the court to allow the family members to retain what his grandfather had given them.  Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky.  In fact, while the book was a win, win, mine was a lose, lose.
It also spoke of dreams, and love, and family, and gratitude among other things.  This stoked the fire in me to continue forward in Jared's Keepers Foundation and let no one, nor any thing, stand in my way of fulfilling Jared's dream of making people around him happy.  How you ask, am I doing that?  Well, simple, if I can help save one person from suicide, then I have made hundreds that would be touched by it, happy.
Now back to my sister.  You see she is pretty darn amazing.  She shared these books with me, in hopes I am sure, that I would share with others to spread such a message.  I will do that for sure.  I know my sister is there for me whenever I need her.  While we have always been miles apart, we are close.  I often see a post on Facebook "behind every sweet lady is the crazy sister".  I think we take turns at that part.  Mess with my sister and you will get me.
I have a wonderful family.  I have a few goofballs too.  I have some I prefer to not be around.  I have some I wish I had more time with.  I have short one, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones, smart ones, some not so much, and at the end of the day, I have completely devoted ones.  Some of these are by blood.  Some are by legal documents of marriage or adoption.  Some are simply by emotion and choice.
So to close, my sister is the one that gave me the gift today, to think about all my families.  And just as I have had to do for Rich, lol, here is a little family tree.

Catching Up

It has been a while since my last post. Lots of things have been going on. First I am no longer working after not getting paid for six weeks. That is another post. ....lol but it is a good thing.
I am heading stateside for almost a month in May and looking forward to it. I will be catching up on doctor and dentist appointment,  not looking forward to that part,  but also talking to some groups about suicide awareness and prevention and just how to talk about suicide in general.    I am happy that so many people are beginning to open up on the topic.
The most exciting thing is the giant fundraiser being planned.  I am so excited to have so much coming together in such a short amount of time. Bands,  auction items,  big auction items,  volunteers,  food,  and much more.
It is all so heart warming and I can't find the words to thank everyone.  Maybe the words don't exist?  
I have been able to refocus on me a little too. I am exhausted easily and feel the need to just rest. Probably the best thing I could do for myself. I have been very public in this journey,  not for sympathy,  for healing and to let people know I am not ashamed and I don't feel anyone should be.
I continually get called "strong ", but I am very weak. I rely on God to carry me most days.

My brain never quits thinking and that is beginning to drive me nuts and also exhausts me. It is now 2:30am and I am releasing some of that in hopes of returning to sleep for a few hours.
Zoe is growing older and very sassy. She is truly a Diva. That girl is a social butterfly but also a momma's girl all the way.
In a couple of weeks Rich and I will head out for a vacation. Actually more of running away for a difficult week. It will be our first Easter without Jared, our first anniversary without Jared, and his first birthday in heaven.   Bam all in five days!  Easter has always been a special time for Jared and I, not really sure why but it might have something to do with he was predicted to be born in Easter.   Like everything in Jared's life he was late for birth too. ..lol. Our anniversary and HIS birthday are just two days apart. In fact we took a cruise to get married and also celebrated his birthday. What a great  time that was. I expect  a roller coaster ride that week but I have been praying that I have the strength to celebrate it all.
I really feel like I am on this crazy slick slide or curvy road and I have to just let go of the wheel and hold on with lots of prayer.   Next week is St Patrick's Day here in island and it is a big celebration. Jared had a blast last year. Then Easter,  our anniversary,  Jared's birthday,  mother's day,  graduations of his friends,  Rich's birthday,  Dan's birthday,  Jared's angelversary, father's day.
If you don't believe in God all you have to do is just watch my life and see Him.   I promise you I could not survive it without Him and knowing Jared is right here with me through all of this.
I will try to be more faithful in keeping the blog current. Much love to all.

I Would Die For You

What a romantic notion that you would love someone so much you would die top save them. Our military know there is a chance they could lose their life for a cause they believe in.
Our emergency service workers know the risk they take each day.
But what about you?   With the wonderful developments of the past couple of days, I have really been thinking about this topic. I see comments about suicide and how those who die by suicide are weak or they are taking the easy way out or how they made their bed they should lie in it. Well I can't bring myself to be angry at those comments. In fact I once shared some of those thoughts but I was uneducated,  ignorant on the topic. Here is some truth about suicide that many people don't think about. Did you know most intentional suicides are in fact to protect those they love?  Don't feel bad if you didn't know that most people don't. Those that die by suicide are in such pain they want it to stop and they don't want pain to be inflicted on their loved ones. Unfortunately,  They don't think far enough past the short term to realize the eternal pain brought on by suicide. So they die for you,  and me.  
Jared died to protect me from pain that was getting ready to take place and he simply want equipped to know how to divert that pain from happening.   I feel a ton of guilt about that every day. I know I did all I could for him but I feel it should have, could have been more.   My job was to make sure he wasn't in pain.   He was protecting me!  I recently spoke to someone who said they struggle with guilt from their days in the military. A buddy died because he was protecting him.   He had carried this guilt for years.   That is when it really clicked with me why I have been having extreme grief attacks lately.   It is guilt creeping in.  
Yesterday was such am amazing day for me to watch take place.   Young adults took to the Tennessee State Capitol and made legislators listen. With grace,  professionalism,  and maturity they got the attention on a wonderful senator who had asked them to help him write legislation for the next session.  
I know Jared and many others had a hand in yesterdays events.   I know there are hundreds of young Angels who are cheering and celebrating in heaven because these teens are talking about the taboo subject of suicide.  
I challenged those students in June of 2014 to help me stop suicide and they took that seriously.   No one likes talking about suicide,  myself included,  but I will talk about it continuously until we can remove the word from the dictionary because it is no longer needed.  

Keepers

Tomorrow our Keepers from Harpeth High School head to the Tennessee State Capitol to talk with whatever law makers will listen to them about suicide prevention.  They have the focus of prevention with teens.  There have been so many obstacles placed in the path of these young adults and yet, together we have moved each one.  One of the things I really thought about today was how, with all that has been placed in front of them, they NEVER gave up!  They even are the ones saying, things will be great tomorrow and we will make them listen.  I don't doubt that.

I want to thank Tennessee Senator Kerry Roberts and his wife Dianne for reaching out and giving the Keepers special time with him tomorrow.

The other night a friend of mine sent me a video of her small child chanting: go momma go momma go momma go.  He chanted over and over.  She said she believes this is what Jared was saying to me in heaven.  I have to agree.  I think, as he always did, momma I need you to fix this, he fixed all the road blocks placed in front of us.
I belong to a private group on Facebook who are Mothers that have lost a child.  Most of them to suicide but all with a loss of child.  Tonight a post came across of a mother screaming, what I scream so often, I WANT MY BABY BACK!  Oh how I want my baby back.  I also have to remember at those times, he is right here beside me.  He is so near to me all the time.  In fact I feel his hugs and touches many times.

To say the past few days have been a roller coaster is an understatement but for completely different reasons than I usually sit on this unwanted ride.

I am having to evaluate many things right now.  I will share those as time goes by.

All is good with Rich and I and we are making more time for things that can be shared together, if even just dinner at a new location.  Sometimes you have a choice when tragedy strikes, pull tight to those who love you most, or isolate yourself and push them away.  I knew my choice in the beginning and made sure I did not push him away.

Zoe is being a normal puppy and pushing all the boundaries she can.  She also brings lots of smiles and laughter to this house that is much needed.

I hope you all have a very blessed day.

"A Good Day For A Heart To Heart"

Today I stopped and bought a paper and as I flipped through it I read my Horoscope.  I don't read them often and when I do it is at the end or even the day after to see if anything in it came true.  Today part of it said it was a great day to have a heart to heart with someone.  So I decided to share my heart to heart with Jared, with all of you.  I have heart to hearts with him almost daily.  I can tell him anything and I know it is safe.  I know he won't judge me and I also know that when possible, he will guide me what to do when I need it.

These past couple of weeks have been trying for me.  For multiple reasons but I needed some divine intervention.  I lifted my requests in prayer and talked to Jared and by Friday, my path was being cleared for me to see where my focus needed to be.  I was notified mid week that the Keeper Club at Harpeth had been granted excused absences to attend Suicide Prevention Day at the Tennessee State Capitol.  It was a HUGE accomplishment from a school district who has chosen until now, to bury their heads and act like nothing happened when they lost a student to suicide.  I cried happy tears knowing that Jared was still making people talk about him and helping others.  Friday I got a message from a young lady who is working on a yearbook page for him here on island.  She asked me to gather some photos.  The focus of their tribute is he not only touched people while on earth, he is still touching people and we have turned this tragedy into something positive.

My son, believe me or not, does communicate.  Loud and clearly if I just listen.  See when I asked him to help guide me this week he also pointed me back to an email that I had gotten some weeks ago.  It was asking me to come talk to a College in East Tennessee.  That made me think of another speaking engagement request and so I reached back out to them.  Then realizing that maybe we could reach a few others while doing all of this.  Let's plan a week and make a circuit so it is affordable.  I started sending out emails and they are starting to come back in.  Let's make this happen, he says to me.

I also shared with Jared in my heart to heart this week, I really want to move back to Tennessee.  He guided me to talk to Rich about it and see if it were best for us.  Jared and I have continued to talk throughout the week about this.  I feel a desire to return there but I also feel him telling me it isn't quite time.  Why isn't it time?  What does that mean?  I don't know but he does enjoy keeping secrets like that from me and he always has.  You were never going to find out what gift you were getting because he was tight lipped about things like that.  He has also given me some signs, I am not yet ready to share, about something else in my life.  Signs I am watching closely.  I have shared them with a few people and just when I start to dismiss them, I am flooded with them again.  I have begged him to share with me and fully disclose the meanings, but I get it is not time yet mom.   AAARRRRGGGGG really?

I have also shared some other things with Jared lately.  Things like how I get so hurt by people casting judgement on others for reaching out for mental health treatments.  How the media and TV think it funny to use suicide references to get a laugh.  How I am so tired of the stigma that comes with suicide and it is like dropping a four letter word in church!  I was then compelled to begin work on the 2015 campaign.....STOP THE STIGMA!  After Wednesday I will ask the kids to help me push this out and hopefully will get it to go viral.

Good things are happening.  I just have to be patient....not good at that sometimes.  I have also reevaluated life a lot.  See a few weeks ago I begged God to give me my son back.  HE is the only one that can do that.  What I have been brought to acknowledge is I HAVE my son.  He is just in a different capacity now than before.  He speaks to me differently, but he speaks loud and clear.  I feel his presence and his hugs when needed.  Like the night a few nights ago when I had a complete break down.  I begged God to Give me my boy back dammit!  I just want my boy back, I begged.  Then I asked if you won't give him back take me please.  To which I could hear Jared say, out loud, say, Mom it isn't your turn.

This ties back into the signs I can't yet share with you but I am told to be patient.

Well, it isn't my turn.  Don't know when that will be.  I have things to do, messages to get out, and lives to hopefully save.