Burn the Cloak of Shame!

Recently a friend invited me over to share a glass of wine and catch up on life.   We had returned to her home after enjoying lunch at a local cafe feasting on southern style meat and 3 and our sweet tea all while sitting outside breathing in the sweet Tennessee air.  I am not sure we stopped talking from the moment we saw one another.  It was one of the most uplifting and somehow spiritual conversations I have had in a long time.  We spoke of the struggles a mutual friend of ours deals with from the suicide of her child.  That turned the conversation to the cloak of shame conversation.   As if it was Jared showing up to join in, a bird flew up and sat near us on the step, then in the tree next to us, followed by my 3 birds soaring high above.  Birds are, and have been, my spiritual connection to Jared since he passed.  My friend shared how she can't believe the way some people still react to us and how people's fear of suicide makes them act in rude and unnatural behaviors. 
I can't believe Jared will be gone 2 years tomorrow.  At times it is like I lost him yesterday, and other times it feels like forever. 
I looked back and I realized that each time someone has tried to put the cloak of shame on me (as if I am wearing the scarlet letter ) I have refused to put it on.  In some cases, I think I have put it on them, for shame on them for trying to make me be ashamed of my child.....like H&!! you will.  Maybe I have not allowed this because I acknowledge the only way to stop suicide is to talk about it and let people know there is a support system. 

For as long as I can remember, I would hear adults talk about suicide and everyone would chime in on the "why did it happen" theories.  You know what I am talking about.  Husband cheating, wife cheating, money problems, criminal problems, losing their house, blah blah.  What I have learned is that we are an instant, fix it now, generation.  If I can't find the answer on Google, I don't need it.  Remember the days you had to go to a library and use the card catalog to look stuff up?  WATCH IT, I AM NOT THAT OLD!  Seriously, that wasn't long ago.  If you haven't walked into a school library recently, you might just be shocked.  In fact, I walked into the "library" at my Alma Mater and it was now a lunch room.  No books, just tables and vending machines.  The librarians desk is used to house the popcorn machine.  Anyway, we want it now.  Remember when you were a child and you got hurt?  We weren't rushed to the ER our parents washed us off, wrapped it up, and kissed our booboo and off we went again. I still have scars to prove it.  Other times the solution was to rub dirt in it and keep going.  Dr Mom always had the answer.  Windows were open, so were front doors, and kids bounced between houses getting goodies along the way.  Candy from one, ice pop from the next, glass of Kool Aide from another.  Over the years, we have all learned to isolate ourselves.  Don't believe me?  Are your doors and windows open and can you hear nature?  Or are they sealed up tightly with your air conditioner running because you are hot?  Do you talk to people in person or do you text and chat online?  Do you sit on your front porch and visit with neighbors and family or in your LaZboy?  

Well most likely you sit in your house with your AC on high chatting with people electronically.  The right now approach.  After all, visiting would require planning of some kind, traveling for someone, and undivided attention.  

Well with suicide, there are no right here, right now answers.  Not when you are doing all you can to save a life.  Not when you are picking up the pieces left behind.  Not anytime.  Not about any part of it. It is a multi layer issue.  That is why most people want to look the other way rather than tackle the issue.  It is like trying to capture a cloud for most of us.  Just when you think you will capture it, it changes form, and it is impossible to capture.  Just as no two clouds are the same, neither are suicides.  

Suicide does not mean the person lost was not loved, or did not give love.  In fact, it is quite the reverse.  They often are surrounded by so much love and give so much love, that it is incomprehensible when they are lost to suicide.  How can that be?  They were such a happy person.  They were so loved.  Suicide has NOTHING to do with amount or lack of love, it is far deeper than that.

Suicide is a method of death.  Equal to all other forms of death.  What does separate it is it carries a HUGE stigma.  A stigma that is at times enlarged by culture, by color, by age, by socioeconomic class, by profession, just to name a few.  I live in the Caribbean and I have found that both culturally and in the black community, suicide carries a larger stigma than in the white community.  It carries a larger stigma than those in the Latino community but the Latino's here have a larger one than whites.  I have become close friends with a black lady here who lost her son a few years ago.  He was off at college in the states when he took his life.  She struggles because of the stigma associated form multiple directions.  She fights back each time someone tries to put that cloak of shame on her.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.  My child struggled with a disease that we could not find the root of.  A disease that was being treated.  He was a great kid/young adult.  Why should I be ashamed?  I should be ashamed because of their lack of education on the subject?  I should be ashamed because they are uncomfortable saying the words?  

So just try to put that cloak of shame on me again.  I will remove it from my shoulders each and every time.  I will give it back to you or burn it - be prepared.  I have enough weight to carry everyday in my grief, I don't need unnecessary weight from a stupid cloak.  

So if you happen to be around with the cloak of shame is given to someone.....stand with them as they refuse it.  If they are struggling, help them take it off.  

Last week, because a group of teens in Tennessee refused to wear the cloak of shame something great happened.  A bill was signed into law.  A bill that mandates more training for schools and now requires every employee of the school be trained in suicide prevention, intervention, and post-vention.  Schools must also have policies and procedures in place with a student reaches out for help or when an intervention needs to take place or for the wake of the aftermath.  This bill strengthened the Jason Flatt Act and was named Jared's Law #JaredsLaw.  Nashville took to supporting the law and lit a downtown bridge up red on Friday night of CMA fest, ironically Chris Stapleton was performing that night and had just received an award for his suicide awareness song, Fire Away.  

No matter the cause of death, I hope you never allow the cloak to be worn by anyone, ever again. #burnthecloak.

Below is photos of Nashville lit up Red and Governor Bill Haslam seated with Senator Kerry Roberts, AFSP Shannon Hall, TSPN Misty Leitsch, TSPN Executive Director Scott Ridgway, Jared's Keepers Student Ambassador Cameron Eanes, Jared's Keepers co-founder and Director of Student Outreach Kelsey Neeley, Mrs Dianne Roberts, Representative Mary Littleton

Reflections

I returned Friday afternoon from another trip to the states to talk to teens about suicide prevention and awareness.  I spoke at high schools and middle schools.  I even had one PTO meeting and a Chamber of Commerce Meeting.  While the Chamber meeting was pretty self contained, we had a great response from those who attended.  The PTO meeting was at a school that had been touched by suicide.  What is sad is that the parents of the young man lost were present and saw first hand the empty offerings that come when a loved one is lost.  I don't think it is only to suicide this happens but during all losses.  People who say they want to support you and learn more and they will be there for you, but they don't show up.  If you have ever lost anyone then you know who I am talking about.

Yet, I feel so overwhelmed with love when I talk to teens.  They are genuine, speak from the heart, and mean what they say.  They don't offer empty promises.  They have a pure love and they know empathy.  They ask questions with an extreme purpose behind them.  They have a desire for knowledge to solve a problem and when they are empowered with helping me solve the issue of suicide they step up and are loud and proud to save a friend.

So where is it between teen and adult that we lose that?  Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty gestures of kindness?  Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty promises?  Where is it we lose the desire to change the world for the better?

I am amazed when I tell teens I need something done, something seemingly unobtainable, and they get it done.  I sent 19 students to the Tennessee State Capitol last February to help the AFSP get the message out about suicide prevention and awareness to the Legislature.  It filled my heart to listen to all the stories from each of those young adults when they left about getting to talk to every elected official except 2 that refused them.  The innocence of it all is they didn't have appointments to see any of them, they just walked in with a News Camera Crew and like magic they got in to see the official.  They didn't know you needed an appointment, they just did what they felt should be the way.  I have to agree, it should be, it once was, even at the White House you were allowed in to see and talk to the President.  Oh how times have changed.

I got to talk with Keepers Clubs and my oh my how I left with a full heart.  I talked with individuals and groups.  I listened to them tell me of Senior Projects, events they had taken part in, upcoming trips, struggles, and triumphs over dark times.  I felt Jared near them all.  I talked with administrators that are struggling to help struggling students.  How they want to take the pain away and make the children better.  I talked to parents and community members who were amazed at the students in their area taking on suicide and making adults talk about and help them fix it.

I talked to friends from school that I was close with, grew apart, and now are close once more.  I talked with friends who were once casual acquaintances who are now strong supporters of my efforts and in my inner circle of friends.

I met with law makers to help draft legislation to make a real difference and to help the students achieve what they feel is necessary to combat the issue of suicide.

While at times these struggles I feel with prevention and awareness are legitimate, they quickly give way to the acute awareness that my target audience is hearing the message loud and clear.  This also gives way to frustrations at times because so many administrators are stuck between what they want to do and what political powers are telling them to do.  How very sad!  I will say this, I do hold those "political powers" and "avoid at all cost" parents accountable for every teen lost.  That blood is on your hands.  I wonder how you would feel if that blood belongs to your own child.

Wouldn't it be great that if we didn't talk about a problem it would just go away?  Well then, stop talking about sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, budgets, low income, crime, homicide, race, etc.....it will all go away if you just stop talking about it.  If only.

I met a wonderful principal along my travels this time too.  He is a giant teddy bear.  I think his students feel the same way.  He towers over them all but is quick to offer a hug and a kind word.  He also took some extreme action to make a talk to his students take place.  He was amazing.

I wish the adults had an open mind like the teens do.  I wish they had an understanding and grasp of the real problems the teens are facing.  I wish.......so much.

Keepers

Tomorrow our Keepers from Harpeth High School head to the Tennessee State Capitol to talk with whatever law makers will listen to them about suicide prevention.  They have the focus of prevention with teens.  There have been so many obstacles placed in the path of these young adults and yet, together we have moved each one.  One of the things I really thought about today was how, with all that has been placed in front of them, they NEVER gave up!  They even are the ones saying, things will be great tomorrow and we will make them listen.  I don't doubt that.

I want to thank Tennessee Senator Kerry Roberts and his wife Dianne for reaching out and giving the Keepers special time with him tomorrow.

The other night a friend of mine sent me a video of her small child chanting: go momma go momma go momma go.  He chanted over and over.  She said she believes this is what Jared was saying to me in heaven.  I have to agree.  I think, as he always did, momma I need you to fix this, he fixed all the road blocks placed in front of us.
I belong to a private group on Facebook who are Mothers that have lost a child.  Most of them to suicide but all with a loss of child.  Tonight a post came across of a mother screaming, what I scream so often, I WANT MY BABY BACK!  Oh how I want my baby back.  I also have to remember at those times, he is right here beside me.  He is so near to me all the time.  In fact I feel his hugs and touches many times.

To say the past few days have been a roller coaster is an understatement but for completely different reasons than I usually sit on this unwanted ride.

I am having to evaluate many things right now.  I will share those as time goes by.

All is good with Rich and I and we are making more time for things that can be shared together, if even just dinner at a new location.  Sometimes you have a choice when tragedy strikes, pull tight to those who love you most, or isolate yourself and push them away.  I knew my choice in the beginning and made sure I did not push him away.

Zoe is being a normal puppy and pushing all the boundaries she can.  She also brings lots of smiles and laughter to this house that is much needed.

I hope you all have a very blessed day.