These past couple of weeks have been trying for me. For multiple reasons but I needed some divine intervention. I lifted my requests in prayer and talked to Jared and by Friday, my path was being cleared for me to see where my focus needed to be. I was notified mid week that the Keeper Club at Harpeth had been granted excused absences to attend Suicide Prevention Day at the Tennessee State Capitol. It was a HUGE accomplishment from a school district who has chosen until now, to bury their heads and act like nothing happened when they lost a student to suicide. I cried happy tears knowing that Jared was still making people talk about him and helping others. Friday I got a message from a young lady who is working on a yearbook page for him here on island. She asked me to gather some photos. The focus of their tribute is he not only touched people while on earth, he is still touching people and we have turned this tragedy into something positive.
My son, believe me or not, does communicate. Loud and clearly if I just listen. See when I asked him to help guide me this week he also pointed me back to an email that I had gotten some weeks ago. It was asking me to come talk to a College in East Tennessee. That made me think of another speaking engagement request and so I reached back out to them. Then realizing that maybe we could reach a few others while doing all of this. Let's plan a week and make a circuit so it is affordable. I started sending out emails and they are starting to come back in. Let's make this happen, he says to me.
I also shared with Jared in my heart to heart this week, I really want to move back to Tennessee. He guided me to talk to Rich about it and see if it were best for us. Jared and I have continued to talk throughout the week about this. I feel a desire to return there but I also feel him telling me it isn't quite time. Why isn't it time? What does that mean? I don't know but he does enjoy keeping secrets like that from me and he always has. You were never going to find out what gift you were getting because he was tight lipped about things like that. He has also given me some signs, I am not yet ready to share, about something else in my life. Signs I am watching closely. I have shared them with a few people and just when I start to dismiss them, I am flooded with them again. I have begged him to share with me and fully disclose the meanings, but I get it is not time yet mom. AAARRRRGGGGG really?
I have also shared some other things with Jared lately. Things like how I get so hurt by people casting judgement on others for reaching out for mental health treatments. How the media and TV think it funny to use suicide references to get a laugh. How I am so tired of the stigma that comes with suicide and it is like dropping a four letter word in church! I was then compelled to begin work on the 2015 campaign.....STOP THE STIGMA! After Wednesday I will ask the kids to help me push this out and hopefully will get it to go viral.
Good things are happening. I just have to be patient....not good at that sometimes. I have also reevaluated life a lot. See a few weeks ago I begged God to give me my son back. HE is the only one that can do that. What I have been brought to acknowledge is I HAVE my son. He is just in a different capacity now than before. He speaks to me differently, but he speaks loud and clear. I feel his presence and his hugs when needed. Like the night a few nights ago when I had a complete break down. I begged God to Give me my boy back dammit! I just want my boy back, I begged. Then I asked if you won't give him back take me please. To which I could hear Jared say, out loud, say, Mom it isn't your turn.
This ties back into the signs I can't yet share with you but I am told to be patient.
Well, it isn't my turn. Don't know when that will be. I have things to do, messages to get out, and lives to hopefully save.
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