I had to take Zoe to the Vet today for a regular puppy shot and the Vet asked me how I was doing. We talked a little and she knows the whole story. She was the one who put Poco to sleep just days after Jared took his life. She is kind to all but I think she has additional kindness for me. She said she is beginning to see life back in my eyes and especially when I look at Zoe.
This really made me think about things on my drive home from her office. I have said since my divorce there is one person in your life you must admit everything to and be 100% real with.....yourself. I tell everyone who asks, I am getting a little stronger everyday. That is true, but I have days that feel like it did just "that" day. I have moments and afternoons, and mornings that can be that same way. I see Jared everywhere, in things I do, places I go, and around the house. I catch glimpses, hear his voice, and catch his scent. Seem crazy?
I still have trouble remembering things, like why did I just walk into this room. That look I get from Rich when I have returned from the kitchen without tea....ummm dear did you forget me tea? Guess so. My attention span is short. Beauty in nature catches my eye a lot easier, and Zoe is a priority. Spending time with people has also become important to me. I really enjoy just being around people even if I am not talking to them. Sometime I find myself just enjoying them enjoying life.
I enjoy talking with Jared a lot. He still appears to me often. He still visits and plays with Zoe. He is very much guiding me with the foundation and telling me what I need to be doing.
Life can throw you curve balls you never dream of. I have found it so important not to dwell on what I don't have but what I do have. Even Jared. What I don't have is him physically. What I do have is him spiritually and in a few years (speaking in eternity form) I will be with him for eternity. Isn't that a great thought? FOR EVER! Beyond all fathomable numbers.....as Buzz Lightyear would say....to Infinity and Beyond.
I read an article today from a woman who lost her husband to suicide years ago and the 2 things she did not do at the time that changed the course of her grief path. 1 she refused guilt. I did that too. I agree with her article, we don't need to feel guilty we did everything we could do to help our loved one. I know that Jared would not want me to feel guilty. We actually talked about several months ago after he attempted suicide. He opened up to me about a great deal of what he was feeling inside and why he wanted to do it. I worked until the end to change his mind on why staying was a better choice.
2 she refuses to ask why. Well I didn't refuse, I pretty much knew why but found out much more later. But she learned this in a class as she and her husband were going through a divorce and just as in divorce, you will never really get a clear cut answer on why.
I have gotten to the point today where I can be support for others. I can support myself, most of the time. I find happiness in life. But not going to lie.....I would just be fine without the holidays ahead. Zoe will be traveling with me and I will enjoy watching her experience so much from airplane rides to Christmas lights and possibly snow.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Anniversary
Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of arriving on island. I didn't realize it until mid afternoon. We had relaxed in the morning and took Zoe our new fur-baby a long haired Chihuahua to the beach for the first time. When we got home I was uploading the pictures to Facebook and up popped a picture that said One Year Ago. It was a picture of Jared holding Poco in the Nashville airport as they were people watching. That was Poco's first plane ride. Then it hit me...hard, it was about that exact time that we landed on island. Both of us full of excitement and yet tired from early morning to the airport with little sleep during the night and travel all day fatigue. So what do I do .... CRY.
How is it that just one year ago 3 of us boarded a plane and now just I am here. Why is that? Why couldn't they still be here with me? It isn't fair! But I have always been told Life is NOT fair. I am so torn everyday inside. I believe in God and I know he is the only one keeping me moving forward in faith and knowing that I will be eternally with Jared in the future. BUT WHY? Together Jared and I had survived so much. Together we had come so far. Why not tell him in that moment he must stay and work with me to stop others?
We finished out the day together with smoked pork loin, one of Jared's favorite and a favorite among the family, with mashed potatoes and peas. Watched our normal Sunday night TV and retired. Being mentally and emotionally drained it was a quick drift to slumber land. Oh how I wish Jared would have been with me yesterday. He would so enjoy Zoe and he she would love him. Although I know he is present and she can see him. I know because she is playing with someone that I can't see and she is doing the exact same things Poco did with Jared when they played. It warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.
Rich and I are doing well. We continue to try to get out on a regular basis and enjoy life. We are looking forward to upcoming visits to the states and those of family and friends here. We are looking ahead to the busy season picking up because that means restaurants will open back up, Jump Ups, Boat Parades, and Carnival. It will all be coming on.
I know I will struggle through this Holiday Season but I will also insure that Jared is still a part of it. Happy tears and sad ones I know will be shed.
I know this post is all over the place but I decided to leave it that way so you can understand how my brain works these days. ADD would not even begin to describe it. It is scattered, incoherent at times, and down right forgetful. I write notes and hope I remember the notes or I am SOL. I drive Rich and myself crazy at times because I forget to fill a glass with tea that I went to the kitchen for. Or go to fold laundry and forget to go the laundry room before I get there. It is terrible. I know with each day it gets better but heck about the time it rebounds I will then start forgetting because of old age.
I am asked by many if I regret anything. Hell yes! Then I let it go. I wouldn't be human if I didn't have regrets but at the end of each day I have none. Why? Because, if Jared would have said he didn't want to move here, I wouldn't have agreed. If Jared did not like it here, he wouldn't have been here. So while I have those moments of "I should have never gotten on the plane a year ago" moments, that is exactly what they are.....moments. Because I am quickly filled with other feelings and knowledge that says different.
I pray each day we can stop suicide. I know that is a long battle to win the war on. But I feel it will be worth it. I must try.
Kelsey is still going strong in Kingston Springs and she is moving mountains there! In addition to all she has done she is organizing Red Night at the last home football game. She is organizing the Nashville International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. She is organizing the Spring Campus Walk to stop suicide. And oh yes, she got the Keepers Club up and running at HHS and they have their first meeting today. What can't this girl do? I don't know but she keeps me motivated. She gives me strength to fight this fight. Jared has brought many friendships together over the years and in his passing but I have to say this friendship he brought together between Kelsey and I and her family is so special.
I encourage you to find an event near you for November 22. You can find that http://www.survivorday.org/
Nashville and St. Croix should be listed soon.
How is it that just one year ago 3 of us boarded a plane and now just I am here. Why is that? Why couldn't they still be here with me? It isn't fair! But I have always been told Life is NOT fair. I am so torn everyday inside. I believe in God and I know he is the only one keeping me moving forward in faith and knowing that I will be eternally with Jared in the future. BUT WHY? Together Jared and I had survived so much. Together we had come so far. Why not tell him in that moment he must stay and work with me to stop others?
We finished out the day together with smoked pork loin, one of Jared's favorite and a favorite among the family, with mashed potatoes and peas. Watched our normal Sunday night TV and retired. Being mentally and emotionally drained it was a quick drift to slumber land. Oh how I wish Jared would have been with me yesterday. He would so enjoy Zoe and he she would love him. Although I know he is present and she can see him. I know because she is playing with someone that I can't see and she is doing the exact same things Poco did with Jared when they played. It warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.
Rich and I are doing well. We continue to try to get out on a regular basis and enjoy life. We are looking forward to upcoming visits to the states and those of family and friends here. We are looking ahead to the busy season picking up because that means restaurants will open back up, Jump Ups, Boat Parades, and Carnival. It will all be coming on.
I know I will struggle through this Holiday Season but I will also insure that Jared is still a part of it. Happy tears and sad ones I know will be shed.
I know this post is all over the place but I decided to leave it that way so you can understand how my brain works these days. ADD would not even begin to describe it. It is scattered, incoherent at times, and down right forgetful. I write notes and hope I remember the notes or I am SOL. I drive Rich and myself crazy at times because I forget to fill a glass with tea that I went to the kitchen for. Or go to fold laundry and forget to go the laundry room before I get there. It is terrible. I know with each day it gets better but heck about the time it rebounds I will then start forgetting because of old age.
I am asked by many if I regret anything. Hell yes! Then I let it go. I wouldn't be human if I didn't have regrets but at the end of each day I have none. Why? Because, if Jared would have said he didn't want to move here, I wouldn't have agreed. If Jared did not like it here, he wouldn't have been here. So while I have those moments of "I should have never gotten on the plane a year ago" moments, that is exactly what they are.....moments. Because I am quickly filled with other feelings and knowledge that says different.
I pray each day we can stop suicide. I know that is a long battle to win the war on. But I feel it will be worth it. I must try.
Kelsey is still going strong in Kingston Springs and she is moving mountains there! In addition to all she has done she is organizing Red Night at the last home football game. She is organizing the Nashville International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. She is organizing the Spring Campus Walk to stop suicide. And oh yes, she got the Keepers Club up and running at HHS and they have their first meeting today. What can't this girl do? I don't know but she keeps me motivated. She gives me strength to fight this fight. Jared has brought many friendships together over the years and in his passing but I have to say this friendship he brought together between Kelsey and I and her family is so special.
I encourage you to find an event near you for November 22. You can find that http://www.survivorday.org/
Nashville and St. Croix should be listed soon.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Hope and Healing
November 22nd is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. We are hosting an event in Nashville, TN and here on St. Croix. There is a lot of planning and a lot of things to do for it. It is overwhelming at times. Yesterday I was just about ready, no I did give up. I hung my head in prayer and said Lord and Jared I need your help. I am doing as you want and as you are guiding me, but I need some help. I need a location for these events and I need donations to fund it. Within minutes an email popped in that we can us Lipscomb University in Nashville and a few minutes later we had our first donation from a source I had not even thought of. By the end of the afternoon I was thanking them both endlessly. Here I am again this morning, stressed and asking them for direction and assistance. I am taking a break from all the planning and frustration to just have some me time.
This event is about hope and healing for those who suffer from loss of a loved one. I wonder if I had one hour with Jared what would I do? Would I just hug him and never stop, would I cry? Maybe I would just stare at his handsome face. I don't know. I do wish I had that opportunity to find out what I would do.
For me, and so many others, we are headed into the holidays without our loved one. It SUCKS! Jared loved the fall, back to school with friends, Halloween, Thanksgiving, My Birthday, Christmas, New Years....all of them. He loved football season and supporting all the sports teams. He loved just being with friends. I feel him so strongly around me and I see it in Zoe when he is present. He plays with her and she looks intently at something and I can't see him. Just like babies, animals see spirits. Why can't we as adults?
I hope that you will find an event near you and attend. It is a day of awareness and maybe, just maybe, we can stop others from having this pain. Wouldn't that be nice?
This event is about hope and healing for those who suffer from loss of a loved one. I wonder if I had one hour with Jared what would I do? Would I just hug him and never stop, would I cry? Maybe I would just stare at his handsome face. I don't know. I do wish I had that opportunity to find out what I would do.
For me, and so many others, we are headed into the holidays without our loved one. It SUCKS! Jared loved the fall, back to school with friends, Halloween, Thanksgiving, My Birthday, Christmas, New Years....all of them. He loved football season and supporting all the sports teams. He loved just being with friends. I feel him so strongly around me and I see it in Zoe when he is present. He plays with her and she looks intently at something and I can't see him. Just like babies, animals see spirits. Why can't we as adults?
I hope that you will find an event near you and attend. It is a day of awareness and maybe, just maybe, we can stop others from having this pain. Wouldn't that be nice?
Monday, October 13, 2014
Reflections During a Hurricane
I have spent much time lately reflecting on my life with Jared. I knew I loved him and that we were very close but it isn't until you reflect on life that you realize exactly how close you were. I want to share something that has been happening that has invoked much reflection.
I have been noticing Zoe playing, at first what seemed by herself, but with someone who wasn't there. I mean she is waving her paws in the air at someone as she is on her back. She is talking and tilting her head in complete interest. She exhibits this when she is in play with me too. It wasn't until Saturday that it was "in my face" what I believe is happening. Saturday I had the very tall egret return to the house. Remember the egret from right after Jared passed? Zoe was outside to go potty and the Egret came to her and she to him. They weren't frightened by one another but rather intrigued and almost engaged in conversation. They both made gentle noises and stared at one another and bobbed heads and had this amazing exchange of information. I watched as tears fell down my cheeks. I was trying to keep them wiped away so I could take it all in and not miss a moment. I gently said, Jared? The Egret looked up and shook his head yes. Then it was back to Zoe with all his attention. I wish I could have understood what was being communicated. They both finished and the Egret disappeared behind the dirt pile and Zoe off to do business. I couldn't help but just drench myself in tears. Is it possible? Could it be? When I returned into the house I gave Zoe her piece of cheese as a reward for outside potty. Then went to the stove to make tea....there next to the other white feather from the last time that same Egret visited was another on the screen. I can't help but believe it was Jared visiting Zoe. Was he just checking her out? Was he instructing her in something?
Another unusual occurrence is the night Zoe came home 2 cats have appeared at the house. They jumped up on the balcony which is an adventure for them. They are young adults. One black cat and one pure white cat. They startled me when I first saw them. They both were laying outside the living room sliding screen door on the mat gazing in at Zoe. I chased them off as we do any cat because of the number of fleas and such the strays carry. But these two were different. I had never seen them. They spent the night on the balcony and I saw them again the next day. The day after Rich came home and I was telling him about the cats. Well, we haven't seen those cats again....until today. Today after I dropped Rich at the airport, I was meeting with a young lady here to organize the November 22 event on island and who is at the door? The white cat.
Another odd thing has been happening, LIZARDS.....all over inside this house. Baby ones. According to native Crucians, baby lizards means there is a baby on the way. I have seen no less than 12 in this house in the last week. Which continues to confirm my feelings of a baby girl. I don't know what that means....but all I know is a baby girl is on the way.
All of these signs happen and I am taking them in and processing and reflecting. I saw a piece on TV the other night that talked about scientific proof that spirits, Angels, ghosts, whatever you want to call them, walk among us. So I researched more about it. Feathers are a big sign from Angels. Coins, songs, and many other signs have been linked our loved ones visiting us.
I have reflected on Jared a lot today. I have talked to him telling him how much I wish he were here with me for this storm. I know he would be totally in awe of Zoe and she would have him wrapped around her paw. I have asked Jared to watch over us and keep us safe as we wait for this hurricane to hit us tonight. I also try to continue to heal. That is the hardest part. I really want to curl up and cry uncontrollably and endlessly, cry. I don't want to get up until the Lord takes me to be with Jared again. Then with a warm feeling, Mom I need you to stop this and make a difference. I have given you a job and I need you to do it. At time I then go through moments of anger with him. Why the hell didn't you stay and team with me to get this message out? Then he says, I am here with you. You just don't see me but I touch you and you know I do. YES, I know you touch me. This weekend I realized something amazing. My hurt is temporary. It will go away the day I go to Heaven and unite with Jared again. Then we will be together eternally. How amazing is that? Eternally! ForEVER AND EVER! That is such a warm feeling. When you look at life that way, I may be on earth another 40-50 years but I will be in Heaven with my loved ones a million times that long.
So while I am here, I will do what I am guided to do by God and Jared, raise Zoe to be a precious sweet girl, and take care of my husband.
I have been noticing Zoe playing, at first what seemed by herself, but with someone who wasn't there. I mean she is waving her paws in the air at someone as she is on her back. She is talking and tilting her head in complete interest. She exhibits this when she is in play with me too. It wasn't until Saturday that it was "in my face" what I believe is happening. Saturday I had the very tall egret return to the house. Remember the egret from right after Jared passed? Zoe was outside to go potty and the Egret came to her and she to him. They weren't frightened by one another but rather intrigued and almost engaged in conversation. They both made gentle noises and stared at one another and bobbed heads and had this amazing exchange of information. I watched as tears fell down my cheeks. I was trying to keep them wiped away so I could take it all in and not miss a moment. I gently said, Jared? The Egret looked up and shook his head yes. Then it was back to Zoe with all his attention. I wish I could have understood what was being communicated. They both finished and the Egret disappeared behind the dirt pile and Zoe off to do business. I couldn't help but just drench myself in tears. Is it possible? Could it be? When I returned into the house I gave Zoe her piece of cheese as a reward for outside potty. Then went to the stove to make tea....there next to the other white feather from the last time that same Egret visited was another on the screen. I can't help but believe it was Jared visiting Zoe. Was he just checking her out? Was he instructing her in something?
Another unusual occurrence is the night Zoe came home 2 cats have appeared at the house. They jumped up on the balcony which is an adventure for them. They are young adults. One black cat and one pure white cat. They startled me when I first saw them. They both were laying outside the living room sliding screen door on the mat gazing in at Zoe. I chased them off as we do any cat because of the number of fleas and such the strays carry. But these two were different. I had never seen them. They spent the night on the balcony and I saw them again the next day. The day after Rich came home and I was telling him about the cats. Well, we haven't seen those cats again....until today. Today after I dropped Rich at the airport, I was meeting with a young lady here to organize the November 22 event on island and who is at the door? The white cat.
Another odd thing has been happening, LIZARDS.....all over inside this house. Baby ones. According to native Crucians, baby lizards means there is a baby on the way. I have seen no less than 12 in this house in the last week. Which continues to confirm my feelings of a baby girl. I don't know what that means....but all I know is a baby girl is on the way.
All of these signs happen and I am taking them in and processing and reflecting. I saw a piece on TV the other night that talked about scientific proof that spirits, Angels, ghosts, whatever you want to call them, walk among us. So I researched more about it. Feathers are a big sign from Angels. Coins, songs, and many other signs have been linked our loved ones visiting us.
I have reflected on Jared a lot today. I have talked to him telling him how much I wish he were here with me for this storm. I know he would be totally in awe of Zoe and she would have him wrapped around her paw. I have asked Jared to watch over us and keep us safe as we wait for this hurricane to hit us tonight. I also try to continue to heal. That is the hardest part. I really want to curl up and cry uncontrollably and endlessly, cry. I don't want to get up until the Lord takes me to be with Jared again. Then with a warm feeling, Mom I need you to stop this and make a difference. I have given you a job and I need you to do it. At time I then go through moments of anger with him. Why the hell didn't you stay and team with me to get this message out? Then he says, I am here with you. You just don't see me but I touch you and you know I do. YES, I know you touch me. This weekend I realized something amazing. My hurt is temporary. It will go away the day I go to Heaven and unite with Jared again. Then we will be together eternally. How amazing is that? Eternally! ForEVER AND EVER! That is such a warm feeling. When you look at life that way, I may be on earth another 40-50 years but I will be in Heaven with my loved ones a million times that long.
So while I am here, I will do what I am guided to do by God and Jared, raise Zoe to be a precious sweet girl, and take care of my husband.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
20 Years
I was busy working this morning on sending emails and request letters out to plan not 1 but 2 AFSP World Survivors of Suicide Loss Days, one in Nashville and one in St Croix on November 22. Time is quickly shrinking and things must get going! I looked at the date on the bottom of my computer screen and stopped all movement for what seemed like an eternity. 10/8/14. I was immediately taken back to Saturday, October 8, 1994 the day I married Jared's Dad. It was almost like in the movies where you feel like you are being time warped backwards. Things flashed so fast through my head I was dizzy. Moving from Tennessee to St. Croix, years and visits he made to see Jared in Tennessee and watching him play basketball and soccer, exchange visits in Marion, pulling up in Illinois to drop him off at meeting points, his funeral, Us moving to our house we shared across from the church we married in, bringing Jared home, working in the yard, moving into our first house and our wedding day. I am sure it wasn't more that a minute in time but it was a flood of memories. Why? The ironic thing was it was all happy memories of Dan. Not a single sad or bad memory. Message from above? I don't know. Lord knows I had a truck load of bad memories that could have come to me. I guess it was just a moment that was to remind me that time goes by so quickly that I need to enjoy and hang on the good and let all the bad drift away from my memory.
I have had a lot of emotions in the last couple of weeks. Some days I just collapse in tears while others my tears remain to fall only on the inside. I am glad we can organize these events on November 22. I guess it is kind of a gift I am giving myself for my birthday. A day of Hope and Healing. Maybe it is Jared's gift to me. Whatever it is, it will be a great one.
I am trying to create a birthday/ Christmas list for the family this year and all I can do is cry. Seems silly but that is what is happening. So I am taking a break from that to cry while typing this.
I certainly would not trade my life with Rich at all, but I would give everything I have and I am to have Jared back. My peace with that is that I will one day be with him eternally and right now he and his dad are spending some time together that each desperately wanted but most often was denied here on earth.
I have had a lot of emotions in the last couple of weeks. Some days I just collapse in tears while others my tears remain to fall only on the inside. I am glad we can organize these events on November 22. I guess it is kind of a gift I am giving myself for my birthday. A day of Hope and Healing. Maybe it is Jared's gift to me. Whatever it is, it will be a great one.
I am trying to create a birthday/ Christmas list for the family this year and all I can do is cry. Seems silly but that is what is happening. So I am taking a break from that to cry while typing this.
I certainly would not trade my life with Rich at all, but I would give everything I have and I am to have Jared back. My peace with that is that I will one day be with him eternally and right now he and his dad are spending some time together that each desperately wanted but most often was denied here on earth.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Reflections on Suicide Prevention Month
It has been a couple of weeks since I last blogged because many wonderful things have been taking place. When I returned from Nashville where we did the Out of the Darkness Walk for Jared, I have been preparing for my talk at Good Hope Country Day School here, preparing to bring our furbaby home, and taking care of all the administrative things that come along with filing appropriate documents to finalize the 501c3 packet.
I have reflected a lot during September on life with Jared. I began with preparing for Suicide Prevention week with Kelsey and helping to get items ordered and delivered in time for her to spread the message to the students at HHS. I then had to pack and fly on World Suicide Prevention Day which ironically was the 4th anniversary of Jared's Dad's suicide. I finished that week with friends of Jared's surrounding me with love. I celebrated HHS Homecoming and watched tearfully as the Senior Float went by with Jared's name on it. I finished out that week walking with the largest team who raised the most money and recognizing a beautiful young lady who is well on her way to becoming one amazing woman. I am proud she has agreed to work with me hand in hand and side by side to stop suicide. We all gathered up the next day and headed off to St. Louis where we were acknowledged on the score board numerous times with Jared's Keepers and an in memory of Jared Martin. It was extra special as I wore his Molina jersey to the stadium.
As I flew back I wore my Out Of The Darkness t-shirt and my Jared's Keepers ribbon along with my stop suicide bracelet next to my Jared Michael Martin bracelet. I was asked about them and passed out cards and spread the word throughout my travels of Jared and how we are trying to stop the stigma and suicide. Many kind souls crossed my path that day.
When I arrived home, I had hugs waiting for me from my hubby. Wow how I had missed those. He had followed everything through Facebook and text messages. We talked and caught up on our week and shared tears as well.
Rich had to then take off for work and I had to talk to the kids at Good Hope. It was sponsored by SADD and they did a fantastic job. I followed the counselor who spoke about suicide myths and facts so the students were prepared. As I watched them throughout her talk I noticed some dazing off and some dozing off. So I was preparing myself for what was to come. When I took the stage, I felt a hug. I felt a whisper in the ear to say tell them mom, tell them not to do what I did. So I spoke, no notes, just spoke from the heart. As I began the SADD members helped me out and each minute one came up and stood in front of the stage. About 15 minutes in I stopped because by this time the students were picking up on them standing. So I began to ask them why those kids were there. Mouths dropped by students and teachers as I began to give them statistics.
1 suicide every minute somewhere in the World = each student represented this
1 represented a Soldier or Veteran who took their life = 1 each hour
1 represented a teen (15-24)
1 represented a medical professional (Dr, Nurse, EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, Police)
I then asked them if there was anyone in that Pavilion I had not touched with those statistics. Is there anyone here who isn't related to or plan on becoming one of those professionals?
No one raised their hands.
I also noticed tears from some flowing, But I noticed not a single person was zoned out or dozed off.
I finished the talk and told my story of being Jared's Mom and creating the foundation and how I had been coping since June. I was greeted with hugs....Oh how I love hugs.
The assembly finished with the students adding new links to the Chain of Life. What a great idea! It is a chain that hangs in the library with each student and teachers name on it. They talk about how that chain and the links in it represent them. If one link breaks it can be repaired but the chain is never the same. Each link has each students name and a message they wrote to themselves. What a great idea for everyone to implement.
I then left to go visit our new furbaby as she was just waking from her surgery where she got her tubes tied and her ID chip implanted. It was a surreal hour to hold a precious gift from God. I then returned home to prepare to get her the next morning.....first thing.
Little Miss Zoe came home the next morning and she and I had a couple of days to ourselves that allowed her to get to know the house and me. She was quiet and timid but not anymore. She bounces around with energy bursts. She gets to running so fast that she slides on the marble floors and whips her hind end around to get ready to take off again. What fun she is bringing to the once quiet house.
I was asked to return back out to GHCDS on Friday afternoon where the students planted a tree above the soccer field overlooking the goal in memory of Jared. They chose a Clusia Rosea or Autograph Tree. It is named that because you can write on the leaves and it stays forever! The tree rarely looses leaves and especially in this climate. So I began and wrote....I will love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I am living, My baby you will be. Love Mom. Everyone else followed, including teachers. It was so emotional.
I have had 3 encouters with Jared this month. The first was when Kelsey and I had dinner in Nashville and our waiter was Jared. Our Jared told Kelsey many times how he couldn't wait for us to meet and how I would like her.....he was right. The next was as I walked to the pavilion to talk at GHCDS and a young bouncy boy came running in front of me....none other than Jared. And yesterday at the store that brought tears to my eyes in the store as a water toy had a picture of what could have been him on it. It was unbelievable. He is here with me every day.
I hope to blog more regularly but I must focus on the Foundation and things are happening quickly. I do hope that you all will find a World Survivor Walk on November 22 to be a part of. It is not just suicide. Participate, and be kind to each other.
I close with a request for prayers for those who struggle each day with depression and suicidal thoughts, prayers for those left behind who struggle each day with a piece of their heart gone, and prayers for humanity.
I have reflected a lot during September on life with Jared. I began with preparing for Suicide Prevention week with Kelsey and helping to get items ordered and delivered in time for her to spread the message to the students at HHS. I then had to pack and fly on World Suicide Prevention Day which ironically was the 4th anniversary of Jared's Dad's suicide. I finished that week with friends of Jared's surrounding me with love. I celebrated HHS Homecoming and watched tearfully as the Senior Float went by with Jared's name on it. I finished out that week walking with the largest team who raised the most money and recognizing a beautiful young lady who is well on her way to becoming one amazing woman. I am proud she has agreed to work with me hand in hand and side by side to stop suicide. We all gathered up the next day and headed off to St. Louis where we were acknowledged on the score board numerous times with Jared's Keepers and an in memory of Jared Martin. It was extra special as I wore his Molina jersey to the stadium.
As I flew back I wore my Out Of The Darkness t-shirt and my Jared's Keepers ribbon along with my stop suicide bracelet next to my Jared Michael Martin bracelet. I was asked about them and passed out cards and spread the word throughout my travels of Jared and how we are trying to stop the stigma and suicide. Many kind souls crossed my path that day.
When I arrived home, I had hugs waiting for me from my hubby. Wow how I had missed those. He had followed everything through Facebook and text messages. We talked and caught up on our week and shared tears as well.
Rich had to then take off for work and I had to talk to the kids at Good Hope. It was sponsored by SADD and they did a fantastic job. I followed the counselor who spoke about suicide myths and facts so the students were prepared. As I watched them throughout her talk I noticed some dazing off and some dozing off. So I was preparing myself for what was to come. When I took the stage, I felt a hug. I felt a whisper in the ear to say tell them mom, tell them not to do what I did. So I spoke, no notes, just spoke from the heart. As I began the SADD members helped me out and each minute one came up and stood in front of the stage. About 15 minutes in I stopped because by this time the students were picking up on them standing. So I began to ask them why those kids were there. Mouths dropped by students and teachers as I began to give them statistics.
1 suicide every minute somewhere in the World = each student represented this
1 represented a Soldier or Veteran who took their life = 1 each hour
1 represented a teen (15-24)
1 represented a medical professional (Dr, Nurse, EMT, Paramedic, Firefighter, Police)
I then asked them if there was anyone in that Pavilion I had not touched with those statistics. Is there anyone here who isn't related to or plan on becoming one of those professionals?
No one raised their hands.
I also noticed tears from some flowing, But I noticed not a single person was zoned out or dozed off.
I finished the talk and told my story of being Jared's Mom and creating the foundation and how I had been coping since June. I was greeted with hugs....Oh how I love hugs.
The assembly finished with the students adding new links to the Chain of Life. What a great idea! It is a chain that hangs in the library with each student and teachers name on it. They talk about how that chain and the links in it represent them. If one link breaks it can be repaired but the chain is never the same. Each link has each students name and a message they wrote to themselves. What a great idea for everyone to implement.
I then left to go visit our new furbaby as she was just waking from her surgery where she got her tubes tied and her ID chip implanted. It was a surreal hour to hold a precious gift from God. I then returned home to prepare to get her the next morning.....first thing.
Little Miss Zoe came home the next morning and she and I had a couple of days to ourselves that allowed her to get to know the house and me. She was quiet and timid but not anymore. She bounces around with energy bursts. She gets to running so fast that she slides on the marble floors and whips her hind end around to get ready to take off again. What fun she is bringing to the once quiet house.
I was asked to return back out to GHCDS on Friday afternoon where the students planted a tree above the soccer field overlooking the goal in memory of Jared. They chose a Clusia Rosea or Autograph Tree. It is named that because you can write on the leaves and it stays forever! The tree rarely looses leaves and especially in this climate. So I began and wrote....I will love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I am living, My baby you will be. Love Mom. Everyone else followed, including teachers. It was so emotional.
I have had 3 encouters with Jared this month. The first was when Kelsey and I had dinner in Nashville and our waiter was Jared. Our Jared told Kelsey many times how he couldn't wait for us to meet and how I would like her.....he was right. The next was as I walked to the pavilion to talk at GHCDS and a young bouncy boy came running in front of me....none other than Jared. And yesterday at the store that brought tears to my eyes in the store as a water toy had a picture of what could have been him on it. It was unbelievable. He is here with me every day.
I hope to blog more regularly but I must focus on the Foundation and things are happening quickly. I do hope that you all will find a World Survivor Walk on November 22 to be a part of. It is not just suicide. Participate, and be kind to each other.
I close with a request for prayers for those who struggle each day with depression and suicidal thoughts, prayers for those left behind who struggle each day with a piece of their heart gone, and prayers for humanity.
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| Jared's Signature from Freshman year that has been used on every float for the class of 2015. Left side of 2 |
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| Fly High Jared |
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| Photo before we lead the Nashville Out of the Darkness Walk |
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| More of our group as we finished the walk |
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| Coming to the finish line 2.2 miles |
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| St. Louis Cardinal Game |
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| My HS Band Director Paula and me. She coordinated the Cardinal Game Tickets and Board. |
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| The Autograph Tree above the GHCDS Soccer Field |
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| Zoe and me |
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| Zoe |
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| Jared? |
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