Triggers

We all have "triggers" that instantly take up to happy or sad places in our lives.  It could be the smell of a cologne, perfume, flower, food, or pungent smell.  I have triggers that take me to happy and sad places as well.  The smell of dirty, stinky, sweaty, soccer.....takes me to a happy place believe it or not.  It reminds me of all the time I spent with Jared watching him do what he loved to do.
This Christmas I found a new trigger that was not pleasant at all.  In fact it brought nightmares to me.  It is a family tradition with my in-laws to watch, It's A Wonderful Life.  Didn't realize until this year how many times in one day they play the movie.  I also didn't fully recognize the plot.  Do you know it?  If you were to have asked me a couple of years ago I would say it was a Guardian Angel sent to make George understand all the blessings he has.  While that is true.....let's go to the beginning, where Gabriel was sent because George was getting ready to take his life......that is right....suicide.  I never picked that part up until this year.  Man did it come crashing down on my like a building collapsing and taking my breath away.  I tried to occupy myself with my phone playing mindless games until my battery went dead.  Then, I had to leave the room.  I could have brought it to the attention of everyone but there was a fear of doing so.  After all, I am an advocate to stop suicide, why would this silly movie get to me so much?  Well the only way I can explain it is this.  Touching someone on the arm with a new unsharpened pencil would not hurt.  Yet if I did that on the arm with an open wound it would hurt beyond words.  All holidays are open wounds when we are grieving for our loved ones.
I have had to learn many coping mechanisms to get through each day.  Some are easier than others.  I am not sure that Christmas will ever get easier.
I know that I have had many triggers and some I am able to flat out ignore before I get to the point of "out of control" with them.  As an example, the media sensationalizing suicides and homicides.  We don't need the details!  When I think there is a trigger in the article I won't read it.  Others are unavoidable.  Much like learning the breathing techniques for labor, I have had to learn how to breath for grief.  Sounds silly doesn't it?  Yet, it is true.  I have had to learn to breath at all sometimes.  I have had to learn to breath short quick breaths and slow into longer, deeper breaths to slow my heart rate down from strong emotions to keep from hyperventilating.  I have had to learn to breath with long exhales to clear my mind, emotions, and gain control over my thoughts.
For me the worst part of triggers is they can bring happiness and sadness at the same time.  Pictures do this often for me.  So many times I smile with happiness and cry with sadness at the exact same moment.
As we start a new year, I pray no parent will have to lose a child.  I pray no person will have to suffer.  I pray for peace of heart for those who are grieving.