This last week has been difficult for me. I have had emotional highs and lows. I have been short tempered and easily agitated. I have watched as children head back to school and off to college. Somehow it is more difficult this year than it was last year. Perhaps because I was still in that fog that helps to protect us following a tragedy. All of these beautiful pictures and wonderful thoughts and hopes I have for these young people quickly prompt thoughts of those experiences I will never have.
I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get. I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had. I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren. All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.
I have had anger that has been intense. Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college. While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again. They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child. Those who have lost a child never again get that. While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent. It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.
I want to be selfish. I want to be irresponsible. I want to pretend life is not how it really is. But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.
This is a difficult place to be. I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down. I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down. I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live. There is no good answer for any of it.
I want desperately to have the life back I once had. But that can never be. I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.
Anger has been hitting me from another angle. It is extreme and volatile. While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me. How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him. How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with. How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again. HOW DARE YOU!
So with this anger comes strong focus and determination. I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.
My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them. He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes. He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.
Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either. Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone. Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me. Why? Because they don't deserve my time. I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.
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