When I was in early elementary school my grandfather had a stroke which left him incapable of taking care of himself. This was devastating to him as he had been an active farmer all his life. My uncle was well known in our community and had much rental property in our small town. My uncle lived on the corner of our block and our house was beside it. My uncle had recently purchased a property on the other side of his which backed up to the back side of our property. The family chose to move my grandparents in to that location to allow us to all assist in taking care of my grandfather. In our family putting someone in a nursing home was just not what we did. In fact it was always my grandparents who took in the elderly in the family to care for them.
My grandfather needed assistance with everything and my grandmother had always been the sickly one. So we were only a phone call and a holler out the window away. It was hard on Gramp to allow any of us to help him out and see him the way we all must in order to take care of him. We had to assist in every way.
My grandparents were kind people, yet like most seniors they developed a very sharp tongue. It became sharper each year and the filter we all carry began to disappear. Looking back on it this is probably why my grandmother shared some things with me when she did.
Throughout my years living at home I would clean my grandparents home each week and earn money for camps and other things. I would also help my grandmother with balancing check books and she tried her best to teach me how to cook. That seemed to come naturally to her and not to me. She also taught me that you don't have to have all the fancy gadgets to do things. I learned to iron with her metal iron she heated up on the stove and a towel on the kitchen table as a board. Let me tell you she ironed EVERYTHING including the sheets and pillow cases. Laundry was hung out on the line to dry with every opportunity with the underwear located in the middle line and outer wear, towels, and sheets on the outside lines. Underwear went up last and came down first. I wonder what they would think these days when girls wear them as clothes. LOL
One day I remember cleaning and a family member came over that we all kept a close eye on for multiple reasons. I asked grandma why she even allowed him in. She responded that you can't choose your family but you can choose the ones you claim. I was taken back by that answer. But I think of that often.
I also think that works in reverse. While we may not be family by blood, we can choose who we connect with as family.
Grandma also told me many other things that were wise. First, use your fine silver often or it will tarnish. She said even if it is just eating bologna sandwiches and beans. Use your good china and silver. Now was she planting a seed to nurture? Because unlike my grandmother with an amazing green thumb, I on the other hand have little luck. But maybe she was also explaining to me that just because something or someone seems to be extremely valuable, they are not if they just sit and are never valued for their purpose.
She also said never go to bed mad or you will wake up mad. She was right. Tried that once and learned my lesson. Not again.
She also taught me how to focus on the things needed to be done first while putting the others on the back burner and pulling them up one at a time. I do that often. As example.....Today I must grocery shop to eat tonight, tomorrow I have a radio interview for our event on Saturday so in the morning I will prepare for that, Friday finish last minute items for Saturday and get rest, Saturday morning set up and event, Sunday or Saturday afternoon send thank yous out, Sunday rest, Monday my birthday and Rich has planned a great evening out with friends, Tuesday....rest, Wednesday prepare for Thanksgiving as much as possible, Thanksgiving make all the side dishes to Rich's smoked turkey. Friday Jump Up, Saturday and Sunday - rest. Then the following week begin promotion for Giving Tuesday. Then focus on the Red Out Nights coming up and helping the new Keepers Clubs get everything organized for them.
Grandma taught me a lot. Much I didn't even recognize until years after she was gone.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Anger
I have every right to be angry. Who are you to say I don't? I can be pissed if I want to. I can be happy if I want to. Lately, I have been fighting anger. Anger at people who are not worth my emotions. Anger at a society who refuses to acknowledge a problem. Anger with life.
I am fortunate because I can rationalize myself from this place but some powwow can't.
I want my baby back. Why can't he come back? Because death is permanent, forever, never ending.
I can let anger consume me or I can get stronger from it.
I choose to be stronger from it.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Reflections
I returned Friday afternoon from another trip to the states to talk to teens about suicide prevention and awareness. I spoke at high schools and middle schools. I even had one PTO meeting and a Chamber of Commerce Meeting. While the Chamber meeting was pretty self contained, we had a great response from those who attended. The PTO meeting was at a school that had been touched by suicide. What is sad is that the parents of the young man lost were present and saw first hand the empty offerings that come when a loved one is lost. I don't think it is only to suicide this happens but during all losses. People who say they want to support you and learn more and they will be there for you, but they don't show up. If you have ever lost anyone then you know who I am talking about.
Yet, I feel so overwhelmed with love when I talk to teens. They are genuine, speak from the heart, and mean what they say. They don't offer empty promises. They have a pure love and they know empathy. They ask questions with an extreme purpose behind them. They have a desire for knowledge to solve a problem and when they are empowered with helping me solve the issue of suicide they step up and are loud and proud to save a friend.
So where is it between teen and adult that we lose that? Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty gestures of kindness? Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty promises? Where is it we lose the desire to change the world for the better?
I am amazed when I tell teens I need something done, something seemingly unobtainable, and they get it done. I sent 19 students to the Tennessee State Capitol last February to help the AFSP get the message out about suicide prevention and awareness to the Legislature. It filled my heart to listen to all the stories from each of those young adults when they left about getting to talk to every elected official except 2 that refused them. The innocence of it all is they didn't have appointments to see any of them, they just walked in with a News Camera Crew and like magic they got in to see the official. They didn't know you needed an appointment, they just did what they felt should be the way. I have to agree, it should be, it once was, even at the White House you were allowed in to see and talk to the President. Oh how times have changed.
I got to talk with Keepers Clubs and my oh my how I left with a full heart. I talked with individuals and groups. I listened to them tell me of Senior Projects, events they had taken part in, upcoming trips, struggles, and triumphs over dark times. I felt Jared near them all. I talked with administrators that are struggling to help struggling students. How they want to take the pain away and make the children better. I talked to parents and community members who were amazed at the students in their area taking on suicide and making adults talk about and help them fix it.
I talked to friends from school that I was close with, grew apart, and now are close once more. I talked with friends who were once casual acquaintances who are now strong supporters of my efforts and in my inner circle of friends.
I met with law makers to help draft legislation to make a real difference and to help the students achieve what they feel is necessary to combat the issue of suicide.
While at times these struggles I feel with prevention and awareness are legitimate, they quickly give way to the acute awareness that my target audience is hearing the message loud and clear. This also gives way to frustrations at times because so many administrators are stuck between what they want to do and what political powers are telling them to do. How very sad! I will say this, I do hold those "political powers" and "avoid at all cost" parents accountable for every teen lost. That blood is on your hands. I wonder how you would feel if that blood belongs to your own child.
Wouldn't it be great that if we didn't talk about a problem it would just go away? Well then, stop talking about sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, budgets, low income, crime, homicide, race, etc.....it will all go away if you just stop talking about it. If only.
I met a wonderful principal along my travels this time too. He is a giant teddy bear. I think his students feel the same way. He towers over them all but is quick to offer a hug and a kind word. He also took some extreme action to make a talk to his students take place. He was amazing.
I wish the adults had an open mind like the teens do. I wish they had an understanding and grasp of the real problems the teens are facing. I wish.......so much.
Yet, I feel so overwhelmed with love when I talk to teens. They are genuine, speak from the heart, and mean what they say. They don't offer empty promises. They have a pure love and they know empathy. They ask questions with an extreme purpose behind them. They have a desire for knowledge to solve a problem and when they are empowered with helping me solve the issue of suicide they step up and are loud and proud to save a friend.
So where is it between teen and adult that we lose that? Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty gestures of kindness? Where is it we find it acceptable to offer empty promises? Where is it we lose the desire to change the world for the better?
I am amazed when I tell teens I need something done, something seemingly unobtainable, and they get it done. I sent 19 students to the Tennessee State Capitol last February to help the AFSP get the message out about suicide prevention and awareness to the Legislature. It filled my heart to listen to all the stories from each of those young adults when they left about getting to talk to every elected official except 2 that refused them. The innocence of it all is they didn't have appointments to see any of them, they just walked in with a News Camera Crew and like magic they got in to see the official. They didn't know you needed an appointment, they just did what they felt should be the way. I have to agree, it should be, it once was, even at the White House you were allowed in to see and talk to the President. Oh how times have changed.
I got to talk with Keepers Clubs and my oh my how I left with a full heart. I talked with individuals and groups. I listened to them tell me of Senior Projects, events they had taken part in, upcoming trips, struggles, and triumphs over dark times. I felt Jared near them all. I talked with administrators that are struggling to help struggling students. How they want to take the pain away and make the children better. I talked to parents and community members who were amazed at the students in their area taking on suicide and making adults talk about and help them fix it.
I talked to friends from school that I was close with, grew apart, and now are close once more. I talked with friends who were once casual acquaintances who are now strong supporters of my efforts and in my inner circle of friends.
I met with law makers to help draft legislation to make a real difference and to help the students achieve what they feel is necessary to combat the issue of suicide.
While at times these struggles I feel with prevention and awareness are legitimate, they quickly give way to the acute awareness that my target audience is hearing the message loud and clear. This also gives way to frustrations at times because so many administrators are stuck between what they want to do and what political powers are telling them to do. How very sad! I will say this, I do hold those "political powers" and "avoid at all cost" parents accountable for every teen lost. That blood is on your hands. I wonder how you would feel if that blood belongs to your own child.
Wouldn't it be great that if we didn't talk about a problem it would just go away? Well then, stop talking about sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, budgets, low income, crime, homicide, race, etc.....it will all go away if you just stop talking about it. If only.
I met a wonderful principal along my travels this time too. He is a giant teddy bear. I think his students feel the same way. He towers over them all but is quick to offer a hug and a kind word. He also took some extreme action to make a talk to his students take place. He was amazing.
I wish the adults had an open mind like the teens do. I wish they had an understanding and grasp of the real problems the teens are facing. I wish.......so much.
Monday, October 12, 2015
What Has Changed?
This is a question that has been eating at me for a week now. While feeling warmth from the display one of our Keepers Clubs did in Illinois and all the positive media coverage it got a punch in the gut happened. Oh I knew it would just wasn't expecting the age of the individual. I always prepare myself for the rudest of rude people. I saw the comments, how about you display all the lives lost to mass school shootings or how about you display all the murder rates? Truth is I could add all those up and include all the deaths from our military and they do NOT equate to the number of people we loose from suicide. Sometimes I just want to unleash and say, why don't you look up Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc before you ask such dumb questions? But I don't. But then a retired man posted this...my 90 year old mother said that people who couldn't handle problems in her day were locked up and restrained if needed. Seems we are missing something. What has changed since then?
Full disclosure, I read that comment while sitting on the Boardwalk sharing adult beverages with a couple of friends and my husband. I told myself, while I had a knee jerk answer to wait until morning to reply. Which I did. My answer started out with EVERYTHING. So even after answering him in a mature way this still has been eating at me. WHY?
The actions of those who share this world with us continue to point this out to me. First, I shook my head the entire time I responded to that man. Thinking to myself, he is seriously asking me this because he doesn't understand. He wasn't being rude. So I Googled It....That is one answer.
This list is from literock969.com of Northfield, NJ
So a few things have changed since his mother was a child. Likewise accountability is no longer understood. We constantly hear people screaming they have a right to know this and a right to know that. We have a responsibility to protect too. Example, the leaks of the spies that were gathering intelligence for us that an individual took upon himself to expose and ultimately cost them their life. Yes he had a right to know, but more than that he had a responsibility to that human life to keep it to himself until they were safe.
Recently the Halloween displays that are causing controversy are the same. People have a right to them. They also have a responsibility to children not to cause emotional harm, to law enforcement and the tax payers to insure that countless hours are not spent insuring the display is not real people, and to anyone who has experienced such horror.
The media has also changed. When I was a child the news would have NEVER shown anything as graphic as it does today. Let alone think nothing of showing it. I remember being home sick when President Reagan was shot. I was only in 2nd grade but remember it well. I also remember the news anchors being overwhelmed with grief and sadness and would not show the actual moment the President was shot. They showed up until and taking down the suspect. But actual footage did not get shown after the live coverage until years later.
I would also say a mega shift in parenting has taken place. More people have babies than have families in my opinion. They have babies for multiple reasons. I hear people say it often that they need a break from parenting. Nope that didn't happen in his mother's time now did it? Mom was at home with the children and had a full time job there with gardening, mending, cleaning, etc. Now we run to Wal-mart and grab a new item instead of fixing anything, we hire people to clean our houses and do floral gardening not vegetable gardening. We go to the local Farmer's Market because it makes us feel good to have "organic" food. Then we run by McDonald's and grab dinner for the family on the way home. So what has changed?
We had children go to school far fewer hours with a higher quality education too. Oh boy stand back while the arrows fly at me for that one. IT IS TRUE! The students of a 100 years ago didn't go near the number or hours they do now. They are no smarter now than then in fact some would argue they are far less intelligent. The children had chores before school and after school and responsibilities to the family. Now, many children won't see their parents for two or more days and they certainly don't eat anything until they get to school. So the schools had to extend their days to allow time to eat, nap, exercise and release the built up energy of the children. Then after school programs were put into place. Homework, HOW DARE YOU CRAZY SCHOOL MY CHILD HAS TOO MUCH TO DO TO DO YOUR STUPID HOMEWORK. Don't believe me? Log onto Facebook. I see parents posting all the time how their child has 2 worksheets and they don't understand why the teacher doesn't let them do it at school they have sports and shopping and this and that to do no time for homework. (eyes rolling) Gone are the days of home from school, have snack, do homework, play outside.
So when did the F-bomb turn into an acceptable adjective? Wow do I remember when my mother THOUGHT I said the F-bomb. Let alone my grandfather. Now toddlers are flipping the bird on posts by and with parents and dropping the F-bomb like an infant drops their pacifier. I think we can say they are not bombs any longer.
Criminal activity once upon a time was frowned upon now it is glorified. We celebrate those who climb to the top of a flag pole and rip down government property. We see nothing wrong with people getting angry and burning down stores and stealing everything they can get their hands on. Now it has non stop coverage on CNN and it is ok, they are angry. BS I call BS.
Once upon a time we held PEOPLE accountable now we blame things. A shooter goes into a school, theater, mall, etc and it is the guns fault. No it is his/her fault. May have others at fault too but gun didn't shoot by itself. We had 911 and that killed thousands of people and destroyed many more, we didn't blame the planes we blamed the terrorists.
Accountability and Responsibility have been lost. That is my opinion on what has changed. We can write all the laws we want. Until the "system" follows them things won't change for the better.
Full disclosure, I read that comment while sitting on the Boardwalk sharing adult beverages with a couple of friends and my husband. I told myself, while I had a knee jerk answer to wait until morning to reply. Which I did. My answer started out with EVERYTHING. So even after answering him in a mature way this still has been eating at me. WHY?
The actions of those who share this world with us continue to point this out to me. First, I shook my head the entire time I responded to that man. Thinking to myself, he is seriously asking me this because he doesn't understand. He wasn't being rude. So I Googled It....That is one answer.
1913 The zipper
1914 Motorized movie cameras
1915 Pyrex
1916 Electric power drill
1917 Radio tuners
1918 The superheterodyne radio circuit
1919 The pop up toaster
1920 The hairdryer
1921 The modern lie detector
1922 Electric kettle
1923 Self-winding watch
1924 Loudspeaker
1925 Modern day can opener
1926 Tevelox robot
1927 Aerosol can
1928 Baird Television Department Company television
1929 Car radio
1930 Jet engine
1931 Electric razor
1932 Electric can opener
1933 The Teasmade tea maker
1934 Zippo lighter
1935 Radar
1936 First voice recognition machine
1937 Dirt Devil
1938 The biro ballpoint pen
1939 Helicopter
1940 Modern color television
1941 Artificial heart
1942 The turboprop engine
1943 The Slinky
1944 Kidney dialysis machine
1945 Clock radio
1946 Disposable diapers
1947 Kenwood food mixer
1948 First pager
1949 Photo-Pac disposable camera
1950 Alkaline batteries
1951 Power steering
1952 SAGE modem
1953 Black box flight recorder
1954 Regency pocket radio
1955 Breathalyser
1956 Behind the ear hearing aid
1957 Casio digital watch
1958 Pacemaker
1959 Black and Decker cordless drill
1960 Stereos/hi-fi
1961 Kodak Instamatic
1962 LED.. light-emitting diode
1963 The Telefunken ‘mouse’
1964 Plasma television
1965 Y. Hatano’s pedmoter
1966 El-Gi 1:12 Ferrari radio controlled car
1967 Polaroid
1968 Smoke detector
1969 The Internet
1970 Digital thermometer
1971 Handy pocket calculator
1972 Multi socket power plug
1973 The Ethernet
1974 Breville sandwich maker
1975 Kodak digital camera
1976 Lithium batteries
1977 Mattel Electronic Football
1978 Victor HR-3300REK – first VHS video recorder
1979 Texas Instruments Speak and Spell
1980 Sony Walkman
1981 Epson HX-20 – the world’s first laptop
1982 Sony Watchman – CD player
1983 Commodore 64
1984 Sony Disc-man
1985 The Leatherman multi-tool
1986 Bose noise cancelling headphones
1987 Sony super VHS camcorder
1988 Digital mobile phones
1989 World Wide Web
1990 Nintendo Game Boy
1991 Nintendo SNES
1992 Palm Pilot
1993 Dyson vacuum cleaner
1994 Digital cordless telephone /Mega Drive
1995 PlayStation 1
1996 Audio Highway – world’s first MP3 player
1997 Motorola StarTac
1998 Panasonic portable DVD player
1999 DVR by TiVo
2000 The Trek Tech/IBM – flash drive
2001 Apple iPod
2002 PlayStation 2
2003 Blackberry 6210
2004 Samsung OLED TV
2005 Xbox 360
2006 SanDisk Micro SD
2007 Apple iPhone
2008 Beats by Dre
2009 Twitter
2010 Apple iPad
2011 Kindle Fire
2012 Nexus 7
2013 PlayStation 4
This list is from literock969.com of Northfield, NJ
So a few things have changed since his mother was a child. Likewise accountability is no longer understood. We constantly hear people screaming they have a right to know this and a right to know that. We have a responsibility to protect too. Example, the leaks of the spies that were gathering intelligence for us that an individual took upon himself to expose and ultimately cost them their life. Yes he had a right to know, but more than that he had a responsibility to that human life to keep it to himself until they were safe.
Recently the Halloween displays that are causing controversy are the same. People have a right to them. They also have a responsibility to children not to cause emotional harm, to law enforcement and the tax payers to insure that countless hours are not spent insuring the display is not real people, and to anyone who has experienced such horror.
The media has also changed. When I was a child the news would have NEVER shown anything as graphic as it does today. Let alone think nothing of showing it. I remember being home sick when President Reagan was shot. I was only in 2nd grade but remember it well. I also remember the news anchors being overwhelmed with grief and sadness and would not show the actual moment the President was shot. They showed up until and taking down the suspect. But actual footage did not get shown after the live coverage until years later.
I would also say a mega shift in parenting has taken place. More people have babies than have families in my opinion. They have babies for multiple reasons. I hear people say it often that they need a break from parenting. Nope that didn't happen in his mother's time now did it? Mom was at home with the children and had a full time job there with gardening, mending, cleaning, etc. Now we run to Wal-mart and grab a new item instead of fixing anything, we hire people to clean our houses and do floral gardening not vegetable gardening. We go to the local Farmer's Market because it makes us feel good to have "organic" food. Then we run by McDonald's and grab dinner for the family on the way home. So what has changed?
We had children go to school far fewer hours with a higher quality education too. Oh boy stand back while the arrows fly at me for that one. IT IS TRUE! The students of a 100 years ago didn't go near the number or hours they do now. They are no smarter now than then in fact some would argue they are far less intelligent. The children had chores before school and after school and responsibilities to the family. Now, many children won't see their parents for two or more days and they certainly don't eat anything until they get to school. So the schools had to extend their days to allow time to eat, nap, exercise and release the built up energy of the children. Then after school programs were put into place. Homework, HOW DARE YOU CRAZY SCHOOL MY CHILD HAS TOO MUCH TO DO TO DO YOUR STUPID HOMEWORK. Don't believe me? Log onto Facebook. I see parents posting all the time how their child has 2 worksheets and they don't understand why the teacher doesn't let them do it at school they have sports and shopping and this and that to do no time for homework. (eyes rolling) Gone are the days of home from school, have snack, do homework, play outside.
So when did the F-bomb turn into an acceptable adjective? Wow do I remember when my mother THOUGHT I said the F-bomb. Let alone my grandfather. Now toddlers are flipping the bird on posts by and with parents and dropping the F-bomb like an infant drops their pacifier. I think we can say they are not bombs any longer.
Criminal activity once upon a time was frowned upon now it is glorified. We celebrate those who climb to the top of a flag pole and rip down government property. We see nothing wrong with people getting angry and burning down stores and stealing everything they can get their hands on. Now it has non stop coverage on CNN and it is ok, they are angry. BS I call BS.
Once upon a time we held PEOPLE accountable now we blame things. A shooter goes into a school, theater, mall, etc and it is the guns fault. No it is his/her fault. May have others at fault too but gun didn't shoot by itself. We had 911 and that killed thousands of people and destroyed many more, we didn't blame the planes we blamed the terrorists.
Accountability and Responsibility have been lost. That is my opinion on what has changed. We can write all the laws we want. Until the "system" follows them things won't change for the better.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Anger
Anger is an overwhelming emotion at times. If we don't keep it in check it will consume us like a deadly cancer. Anger is a normal stage in grief, and as most of us know, we go in and out of stages for varying periods of time. While we all know how devastating depression can be on us, we often times forget about just how destructive anger can be.
Many people experience anger toward the loved one whom we lost. For me, I have been angry at Jared for taking his life, for leaving me alone, for not being here with me, for hurting his friends, for.....well many things. I have also been angry at those who continued to stand in the way of my son healing healthy after the loss of his father less than four years prior. I have been angry at God. I have been angry at myself. I have just been angry.
What I realized, and come to understand through my loss, is anger can call you to action or destroy you. It is your choice.
If you choose to let anger destroy you, most likely you will take others down with you. You can let it consume you to the point of becoming physically ill. You can become so focused on control of things and people around you that you forget to love those around you. Anger can drive those that love you the most away.
One of the issues born from anger that we see more of today, especially in schools, is bullying. Those who are angry within and have not been taught how, or not supported in, processing and releasing anger in a healthy manner can turn to being the bully. It is especially common with boys. They are taught to show no emotions and not to talk about problems. So they keep it inside. Unfortunately, we are all like a balloon, we can only hold so much before we pop. We must learn and teach our children to release those emotions in healthy, constructive ways.
We have seen the news where angry individuals walk into schools, churches, movie theaters and other public locations and kill or harm many individuals there. Innocent people hurt because of unresolved, uncontrolled anger. Many of the stories of those who do such heinous crimes, we later learn, had been suffering from a mental illness of some sort that had gone untreated. That mental illness could be depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or more severe illnesses like clinical depression, schizophrenia, or any number of other illnesses.
The first step in all of this is to stop the stigma! Stop joking about mental illnesses.
Reach out for help when needed and support those around you who are wanting to reach out for help. Don't discourage them in fear of embarrassment. If someone near you needs help then encourage and support them to seek professional help.
Anger can also call you to action. Many times amazing charities are born out of anger towards a problem. This happened with me. Jared's friends were angry at losing teens to suicide and together we started Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc. We put our anger to work to solve a problem that we didn't see much help for. The problem of teen suicide. Many other wonderful organizations have come from the same anger channel. Many people have come to volunteer at organizations and help others from their anger at a problem. MADD was born out of anger toward the problem of drunk driving. Motivational speakers have turned anger into inspiration. Others use the anger they have inside to drive them to success in life. Astronaut Story Musgrave is a testament to this. He lost both parents and a brother to suicide and used all that anger to drive him to success in life.
In grief, there are no easy answers, especially when it comes to anger. We each have a choice. What is yours?
Many people experience anger toward the loved one whom we lost. For me, I have been angry at Jared for taking his life, for leaving me alone, for not being here with me, for hurting his friends, for.....well many things. I have also been angry at those who continued to stand in the way of my son healing healthy after the loss of his father less than four years prior. I have been angry at God. I have been angry at myself. I have just been angry.
What I realized, and come to understand through my loss, is anger can call you to action or destroy you. It is your choice.
If you choose to let anger destroy you, most likely you will take others down with you. You can let it consume you to the point of becoming physically ill. You can become so focused on control of things and people around you that you forget to love those around you. Anger can drive those that love you the most away.
One of the issues born from anger that we see more of today, especially in schools, is bullying. Those who are angry within and have not been taught how, or not supported in, processing and releasing anger in a healthy manner can turn to being the bully. It is especially common with boys. They are taught to show no emotions and not to talk about problems. So they keep it inside. Unfortunately, we are all like a balloon, we can only hold so much before we pop. We must learn and teach our children to release those emotions in healthy, constructive ways.
We have seen the news where angry individuals walk into schools, churches, movie theaters and other public locations and kill or harm many individuals there. Innocent people hurt because of unresolved, uncontrolled anger. Many of the stories of those who do such heinous crimes, we later learn, had been suffering from a mental illness of some sort that had gone untreated. That mental illness could be depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or more severe illnesses like clinical depression, schizophrenia, or any number of other illnesses.
The first step in all of this is to stop the stigma! Stop joking about mental illnesses.
Reach out for help when needed and support those around you who are wanting to reach out for help. Don't discourage them in fear of embarrassment. If someone near you needs help then encourage and support them to seek professional help.
Anger can also call you to action. Many times amazing charities are born out of anger towards a problem. This happened with me. Jared's friends were angry at losing teens to suicide and together we started Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc. We put our anger to work to solve a problem that we didn't see much help for. The problem of teen suicide. Many other wonderful organizations have come from the same anger channel. Many people have come to volunteer at organizations and help others from their anger at a problem. MADD was born out of anger toward the problem of drunk driving. Motivational speakers have turned anger into inspiration. Others use the anger they have inside to drive them to success in life. Astronaut Story Musgrave is a testament to this. He lost both parents and a brother to suicide and used all that anger to drive him to success in life.
In grief, there are no easy answers, especially when it comes to anger. We each have a choice. What is yours?
Monday, September 21, 2015
Learning To Be Happy For Others While Grieving
It is so hard at times to keep that smile on and not shout out, "shut the BLEEP up!" In the early weeks of Jared's loss people walked on eggshells around me. I encouraged them to celebrate their children, even as I mourn the loss of mine. After all, Jared was always the one celebrating his friends and cheering them on. I felt it important for those around me to know it is ok to talk about their child or children. As time goes on though, I do find myself arguing with....myself. Sometimes you get that parent who just wants to make excuses why they haven't called, emailed, messaged, or otherwise acknowledged your existence since you lost your child. That is when the "other" side of me screams inside my head, "shut up already, I know your child is alive and well and life is grand". Then I also think, wish you could feel this for just one hour, not a minute more, just one hour to understand. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want people to understand. I want them to understand that your child is important to me, you are important to me, but my child was also important to me. I hate when people try to justify their loss of things they enjoyed in life to my loss of a child. NOPE, not the same. I am sorry your friends are all too busy to go have dinner each week and that makes you sad and I know it is a big loss to you, BUT it is nothing like my loss. Thank you for trying.
I have worked hard on myself to insure I did not, and do not, become bitter, isolated, and allow myself to go to a dark area of life. That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Why? Because it is easy to do all of those things. It is easy to be sad. In fact it takes no work whatsoever to be sad. THAT, is sad. It takes no work to isolate yourself from other. It takes lots of work to gain the strength, courage, and motivation to leave the house and deal with the looks, stares, back turning, and avoidance that takes place to those who are left behind. While I am left behind from my only child taking his life, I think this is true no matter what loved one is lost and how they were lost. People just don't know what to say, so they avoid it at all costs to them.
I have learned to develop coping skills when I am confronted with the extremely gloating parent (usually momma) who just continues to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their pride and joy. How their child is the smartest, most talented, most high achieving child to ever live. First, I smile. I think to myself, Jared would tell you quite a different story after we left. He would also say, they are just a proud mom, just like you. OK, Fine that makes sense.
Next, I keep my mouth shut. Your loss of your small child and my loss of my child cannot be compared, so I don't even try to explain to them. Jared would tell me that too.
Last, I always try to complement the child being praised by the happy parent. It is good they are doing that. Unfortunately, I have found too many who know little to nothing about what their child does.
I have made my focus in life to save lives now. I tried with all my might to save Jared and lost that fight. If I can save one, it was worth the fight. I would never tell a parent to quit talking about their child, because I will never quit talking about mine. I can be happy for the child and the parent in these situations because I can watch that child blossom into an amazing adult.
While I gave birth to just one child, I have always found myself surrounded by many. In a way that is God's way of giving me children.
I have worked hard on myself to insure I did not, and do not, become bitter, isolated, and allow myself to go to a dark area of life. That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Why? Because it is easy to do all of those things. It is easy to be sad. In fact it takes no work whatsoever to be sad. THAT, is sad. It takes no work to isolate yourself from other. It takes lots of work to gain the strength, courage, and motivation to leave the house and deal with the looks, stares, back turning, and avoidance that takes place to those who are left behind. While I am left behind from my only child taking his life, I think this is true no matter what loved one is lost and how they were lost. People just don't know what to say, so they avoid it at all costs to them.
I have learned to develop coping skills when I am confronted with the extremely gloating parent (usually momma) who just continues to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their pride and joy. How their child is the smartest, most talented, most high achieving child to ever live. First, I smile. I think to myself, Jared would tell you quite a different story after we left. He would also say, they are just a proud mom, just like you. OK, Fine that makes sense.
Next, I keep my mouth shut. Your loss of your small child and my loss of my child cannot be compared, so I don't even try to explain to them. Jared would tell me that too.
Last, I always try to complement the child being praised by the happy parent. It is good they are doing that. Unfortunately, I have found too many who know little to nothing about what their child does.
I have made my focus in life to save lives now. I tried with all my might to save Jared and lost that fight. If I can save one, it was worth the fight. I would never tell a parent to quit talking about their child, because I will never quit talking about mine. I can be happy for the child and the parent in these situations because I can watch that child blossom into an amazing adult.
While I gave birth to just one child, I have always found myself surrounded by many. In a way that is God's way of giving me children.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Traveling
I am writing this from high above the ocean on the way to Miami. It is an unusually clear afternoon and the sun is beginning to set. The colors are the most amazing colors and so vibrant. It is absolutely breath taking. As we have flown over several islands and sandbars I am amazed at God's beauty he has given us to enjoy. Likewise, the people who have come across my path have blessed me. A man in line asked me what I do and I shared with him what I do and why I am headed back to the states. He first wasn't sure how to reapond. But he quickly thanked me and said more people need to join the fight. On to the waiting area where I met a nice couple. They too asked as small talk that quickly turned into a connection. When the young woman found out what I did, she began to cry. I said, you have lost someone, and she shook her haed. As I got tissues from my purse to share, she said too many. I looked at her and she repeated I have lost too many. She took our flyer and said she would share with her group in Atlanta. Let me time hop.....
This morning when I awoke, I followed my normal routine to the bathroom where a beautiful bird was looking in the window at me. Remember Jared connects through birds. I walked by 3 times before getting my phone to take a picture. I took three picture and a video. He let me go right up to that window and never showed fear. A few tears of happiness fell and then I said I must go back and rest as I will have a long day of travel. I posted those pictures on Facebook, set my phone down to charge to full, and stared out the window, when another bird landed on our balcony rail. He looked at me and then ran across the rail. All the time looking in the windows. I found it an amazing sign on the day I was to fly to the states to begin my speaking tour on prevention.
Zoe knew something was going on and moped around and spent much of her time on my lap. Then the phone call amd email came. Flight delayed. GREAT! YET, I was still required to check in at the original time.
Now back to my story....
Before our delayed plane arrived the first man came back to me to share a website with about spiritual connections. How awesome!
Not sure what lies ahead on this trip but I know I have an army of Angels working beside me. I feel safe and protected.
More to come......we are on an uneventful flightto Nashville. I guess that is good. I am on a regional jet so it is 2 seats on either side of the isle. I am sitting with a nice woman who is stationed at Ft Campbell, KY. Thankfully it is quiet and many readers and sleepers on this leg....lol. The only downfall to these planes are no TV and music so I read amd that makes me sleepy. Stop that you have to drive on the right not left, you must be wide awake!. I do love these jets because the leg room is awesome. The seats are comfortable but pressure changes are extremely noticible for me.
The Captain says we are decending and almost reached 10,000 feet right now. Ear pop, ear pop, ugghhh. Maybe we will be early.....I know wishful thinking.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Accepting
I was the youngest child for both my parents, and the only child between them. I had the benefits of growing up in a large family and being the only child at the same time. I was closer to one brother than all other siblings. He was 10 years older than I am and wasn't only a brother but also a protector. My father died when I was just eight from complications from alcoholism during the he and my mother were going through a divorce.
I remember the exact moment and location and vividly remember all the items around me when I was told my father had died. I was his only girl so there was extra special bonding there. He was perfect, far from it. In fact I would even say part evil. However, the true him was kind, generous, and loving. The alcoholic him was pure evil. I remember going to the funeral home and picking out the casket, or listening as it was all being done. It was my first real experience in a funeral home. I look back on it and wish someone would have realized that as an eight year old child, I needed guidance. What do you do at a funeral home? How do you act at a funeral home? Why does everyone come to a funeral home? I am a child and it will be ok.....
I remember the visitation and the funeral. I remember the heart shaped pillow with the word Daddy in gold that held flowers that they had me plane in his casket. That pillow was given to me as a keep sake. Still not sure why I have it but it is tucked away in my cedar chest. I also remember the grave side service and wondering why all this was going on. I am eight! I was in second grade. None of this made any sense.
I never dealt with those emotions because it was never explained to me what they were. I worried about my mother a lot growing up and never really visited friends houses or "ran around" with them. In my teen years I went wild for a short period of time which was far out of character for me to do. I was the good kid. Well that got me into counseling at the school and lots of things came out that had been bottled up for years. Honestly? It was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A few years later I would lose my grandfather. He had been ill for years after suffering a stroke and depended completely on his family to provide care for him. We all took shifts helping him with everything from using the commode to bathing and getting dressed. He would cry each time I helped because he felt he was a burden to his family. But truth is, he deserved all we did and more. I had visited him just hours before he passed and he seemed fine. I lived just an hour away and by the time I had reached home the phone was ringing. He had already been transported by ambulance to the hospital, and had passed after my grandmother asked him if he was in pain and he said, "not any more". The funeral in the days following was emotional. We were losing my grandfather and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby and would find out the gender that day. A boy was to be born.
A little more than a year later, I am engaged to be married and prior to that wedding our family was struck by tragedy. That baby boy would be taken from us days before he turned a year old. He was a feisty little guy and brought joy to everyone around him. He took a tumble off the bed and landed on a hard wood floor. I don't know a baby that hasn't had a tumble that scared the pudding out of the parents but this was different. That sweet baby laid in the hospital trying with all his might to make it, but that wasn't meant to be. I still struggle with his death because it just isn't fair. The only answer I can come up with is God needed him, but why? Why do that to my family? Why do that to his parents and siblings? Why? Ultimately, this loss put a great strain on the family. In fact throughout the years it has built the Great Wall of Grief between my sister-in-law and my mother. That too brings pain to many of us in the family. In fact outside of Jared's funeral last summer, I can't remember the last time they were in the same building together. I know how it pains me, I can't imagine how it pains my brother.
What pained me then, and still does for different reasons now, is that I didn't know how to support them. I didn't know the loss they were feeling.
We honored my nephew on our wedding ceremony and made him a part of the event. To this day I keep his picture on my dresser.
Since that time his siblings have grown and have children of their own and we talk about their brother Jacob. I think of him often as he must have been there to greet Jared into heaven.
After suffering the loss of Jared I have had a new understanding of loss. I understand that even very young children grieve and they need the grieving process to be explained to them and what they are experiencing. I have learned that even when we look strong, we are incredibly weak. I have learned that we will change emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have learned that actions can be explained but not necessarily justified. I have learned that I can love two people who can't seem to look at one another and not judge them. I have also learned that we become uncensored with loss. If you ask us our opinion, please be prepared for the answer. I have learned that compassion doesn't mean that I have to let you drag me into a dark place. I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't stop things from happening. I could not stop by dad from drinking, my grandfather from aging, my nephew from from having injuries that could not be healed, my mother and sister-in-law to get along, nor could I save my son from suicide.
While I do not like to accept any of these things, I must. I must also accept all the other things in life that played into of the paths that brought us all to where we are today.
My wish is for peace, understanding, and a world without pain. Is that really too much to ask for?
I remember the exact moment and location and vividly remember all the items around me when I was told my father had died. I was his only girl so there was extra special bonding there. He was perfect, far from it. In fact I would even say part evil. However, the true him was kind, generous, and loving. The alcoholic him was pure evil. I remember going to the funeral home and picking out the casket, or listening as it was all being done. It was my first real experience in a funeral home. I look back on it and wish someone would have realized that as an eight year old child, I needed guidance. What do you do at a funeral home? How do you act at a funeral home? Why does everyone come to a funeral home? I am a child and it will be ok.....
I remember the visitation and the funeral. I remember the heart shaped pillow with the word Daddy in gold that held flowers that they had me plane in his casket. That pillow was given to me as a keep sake. Still not sure why I have it but it is tucked away in my cedar chest. I also remember the grave side service and wondering why all this was going on. I am eight! I was in second grade. None of this made any sense.
I never dealt with those emotions because it was never explained to me what they were. I worried about my mother a lot growing up and never really visited friends houses or "ran around" with them. In my teen years I went wild for a short period of time which was far out of character for me to do. I was the good kid. Well that got me into counseling at the school and lots of things came out that had been bottled up for years. Honestly? It was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A few years later I would lose my grandfather. He had been ill for years after suffering a stroke and depended completely on his family to provide care for him. We all took shifts helping him with everything from using the commode to bathing and getting dressed. He would cry each time I helped because he felt he was a burden to his family. But truth is, he deserved all we did and more. I had visited him just hours before he passed and he seemed fine. I lived just an hour away and by the time I had reached home the phone was ringing. He had already been transported by ambulance to the hospital, and had passed after my grandmother asked him if he was in pain and he said, "not any more". The funeral in the days following was emotional. We were losing my grandfather and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby and would find out the gender that day. A boy was to be born.
A little more than a year later, I am engaged to be married and prior to that wedding our family was struck by tragedy. That baby boy would be taken from us days before he turned a year old. He was a feisty little guy and brought joy to everyone around him. He took a tumble off the bed and landed on a hard wood floor. I don't know a baby that hasn't had a tumble that scared the pudding out of the parents but this was different. That sweet baby laid in the hospital trying with all his might to make it, but that wasn't meant to be. I still struggle with his death because it just isn't fair. The only answer I can come up with is God needed him, but why? Why do that to my family? Why do that to his parents and siblings? Why? Ultimately, this loss put a great strain on the family. In fact throughout the years it has built the Great Wall of Grief between my sister-in-law and my mother. That too brings pain to many of us in the family. In fact outside of Jared's funeral last summer, I can't remember the last time they were in the same building together. I know how it pains me, I can't imagine how it pains my brother.
What pained me then, and still does for different reasons now, is that I didn't know how to support them. I didn't know the loss they were feeling.
We honored my nephew on our wedding ceremony and made him a part of the event. To this day I keep his picture on my dresser.
Since that time his siblings have grown and have children of their own and we talk about their brother Jacob. I think of him often as he must have been there to greet Jared into heaven.
After suffering the loss of Jared I have had a new understanding of loss. I understand that even very young children grieve and they need the grieving process to be explained to them and what they are experiencing. I have learned that even when we look strong, we are incredibly weak. I have learned that we will change emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have learned that actions can be explained but not necessarily justified. I have learned that I can love two people who can't seem to look at one another and not judge them. I have also learned that we become uncensored with loss. If you ask us our opinion, please be prepared for the answer. I have learned that compassion doesn't mean that I have to let you drag me into a dark place. I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't stop things from happening. I could not stop by dad from drinking, my grandfather from aging, my nephew from from having injuries that could not be healed, my mother and sister-in-law to get along, nor could I save my son from suicide.
While I do not like to accept any of these things, I must. I must also accept all the other things in life that played into of the paths that brought us all to where we are today.
My wish is for peace, understanding, and a world without pain. Is that really too much to ask for?
Monday, August 24, 2015
It Is Time To Stand Up
This last week has been difficult for me. I have had emotional highs and lows. I have been short tempered and easily agitated. I have watched as children head back to school and off to college. Somehow it is more difficult this year than it was last year. Perhaps because I was still in that fog that helps to protect us following a tragedy. All of these beautiful pictures and wonderful thoughts and hopes I have for these young people quickly prompt thoughts of those experiences I will never have.
I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get. I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had. I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren. All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.
I have had anger that has been intense. Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college. While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again. They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child. Those who have lost a child never again get that. While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent. It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.
I want to be selfish. I want to be irresponsible. I want to pretend life is not how it really is. But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.
This is a difficult place to be. I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down. I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down. I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live. There is no good answer for any of it.
I want desperately to have the life back I once had. But that can never be. I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.
Anger has been hitting me from another angle. It is extreme and volatile. While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me. How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him. How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with. How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again. HOW DARE YOU!
So with this anger comes strong focus and determination. I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.
My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them. He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes. He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.
Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either. Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone. Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me. Why? Because they don't deserve my time. I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.
I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get. I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had. I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren. All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.
I have had anger that has been intense. Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college. While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again. They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child. Those who have lost a child never again get that. While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent. It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.
I want to be selfish. I want to be irresponsible. I want to pretend life is not how it really is. But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.
This is a difficult place to be. I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down. I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down. I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live. There is no good answer for any of it.
I want desperately to have the life back I once had. But that can never be. I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.
Anger has been hitting me from another angle. It is extreme and volatile. While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me. How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him. How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with. How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again. HOW DARE YOU!
So with this anger comes strong focus and determination. I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.
My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them. He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes. He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.
Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either. Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone. Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me. Why? Because they don't deserve my time. I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Healing Takes Forever
Early on in my grief journey, I realized this was not going to be a "get over it quickly" type of thing. I had a strong desire to read everything I could on grief, suicide, and the afterlife. I came to realize quickly that this journey will not end until I take my last breath. People have asked me how I stay strong and this is what I explain to them.
Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery. Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out. If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time. So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free. Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.
Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks. I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them. Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most. I don't like anger and/or hate. In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him. Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow. This also goes hand in hand with guilt. The "if only"s drive me crazy at times. If only he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery. You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control. However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.
As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night. One of those is my Tear Bucket. I have what I refer to as the tear bucket. When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket. I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears. Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.
Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm. It is learning to live completely different. It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently. It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently. It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way. This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery. If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger. For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness. I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.
Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss. My support system has changed and morphed during my journey. I also know as time continues it will continue to change. Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street. Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family. Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.
Also like surgery, some cannot recover. Grief too, can take those who cannot recover. While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet. There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child. Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.
Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief. It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it. We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.
Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery. Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out. If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time. So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free. Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.
Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks. I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them. Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most. I don't like anger and/or hate. In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him. Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow. This also goes hand in hand with guilt. The "if only"s drive me crazy at times. If only he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery. You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control. However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.
As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night. One of those is my Tear Bucket. I have what I refer to as the tear bucket. When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket. I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears. Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.
Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm. It is learning to live completely different. It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently. It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently. It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way. This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery. If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger. For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness. I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.
Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss. My support system has changed and morphed during my journey. I also know as time continues it will continue to change. Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street. Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family. Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.
Also like surgery, some cannot recover. Grief too, can take those who cannot recover. While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet. There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child. Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.
Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief. It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it. We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Finding Peace In A Spiritual Connection
As I travel this road of healing, I have come across many people who travel this same route. Some appear to have an easier time navigating it than others. We all wish there were a Rand McNally that could guide us, but it just isn't there. Some have encountered road closures, potholes, detours, and at times U-turns. We all have different vehicles that transport us through grief. While some appear to be on a locomotive running wide open, I feel to be on a snail.
I have learned through my connections I have made with other Angel parents that some cling to their religion, while others to hope, and yet others, well they are struggling every moment. Grief makes us question our beliefs. For me grief made me remember and it confirmed my beliefs. It also opened a door to another universe. For me it opened the door to communications with my son through signs and spiritual messages.
From a very young age Jared and I loved birds. When we would leave early in the morning to head to daycare and work, he asked one day, what are the birds saying? Thinking on my toes I responded, Good Morning Jared. So from that moment on for several years, he would greet chirping birds with, Good Morning birds. The two weeks following his death a bird sat outside my window day and night and chirped. Of course, in those first couple of days it didn't register with me. However, as I laid in bed awake most of the night, I realized this bird is chirping, at night, continuously. I stepped out the bedroom door onto the balcony about 2am one morning and there he sat in the tree. He wasn't afraid of me and didn't even try to fly away. He just chirped and chirped. I remember looking at him so intently and this is Jared talking to me like he always did when he would come home from school. He is telling me all about heaven and what he is seeing and who he has met and what it is like. If I could only speak bird!
As days passed other signs began to happen. Birds and egrets would land in the yard near me. As I went swimming, fish gathered around me. I felt like I was in the movie Evan Almighty, the way animals were following me. Even my husband began to look at me in a puzzled look trying to believe what he was seeing with his own eyes. At one point while swimming, he said it was just a coincidence, had to be, right? So we moved, and the fish followed us. From that day on, I began really paying attention. My little social butterfly on earth was in heaven being his social butterfly self. I felt as though it was one of those elementary school moments of, hey are you Jared's Mom? Several more of those happened in the months following his death.
I am just over a year into my grief journey and I consistently have three birds that are near me day and night. It has now become something my friends look for when I am around. In May, I spent the month in Nashville and several friends paid close attention and were amazed and have now told their friends about my connection with Jared through birds.
I also have a great connection through spirit with him. I feel extremely blessed to have this. I hear him talking to me. He plays practical jokes on me through things you would do as a child and through technology. I laugh at these things because I know it is to help me know he is close by. I feel blessed because I believe God has work for us to do and yet Jared still makes sure he is with me. I questioned that one night and got the response that you don't sleep in heaven so he can get a lot of work done while I am sleeping so he can be near me.
I recently had a friend of the family reach out to me from Holland. He was crying and needed to share with me something. He asked me not to think he was crazy, and I promised I would not. He said he was at a train station and was getting ready to step in front of a train when Jared grabbed him and told him not to do it. He asked me if I believed him and I told him I most certainly did. He said Jared told him great things were in his future he just had to make it and it would all be ok. He asked me what that meant. I told him I had no idea but if that is what Jared said we both better listen. He said Jared sat with him and talked to him for several minutes and he just couldn't believe what he had just experienced. He asked me why Jared would do that. I replied, it is simple he cares for you as a friend. He was puzzled because Jared had only spent a week with him on a vacation we had taken where we met him and yet Jared was watching out for him. I told him, this should prove we make bigger impacts on people than we realize. Just a couple weeks ago I got another frantic message from our friend. This time it was to tell me that his best friend, a female, had returned from a long trip to another country and found that she loved him as more than just friends. He was so excited to share this news. He said he shared his story of Jared with her and she shared some spiritual encounters with him as well. Not sure if that was Jared but I bet he had a hand in talking with her.
Sometimes I feel so very alone, even when there are people around. I have come to find great comfort in this connection God has granted me with Jared in his Afterlife. Until I am reunited with him I will continue to watch for his signs.
As I get ready to post this look what appears out my window....
3 egrets
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Alone In A Sea Of People
Since I was very young I have always felt out of place and unsure of my place within the family. I am youngest of eight but they are all half siblings. My mother had three children with her first husband and they have the full sibling bond and each born approximately a year apart. My Father had three boys by his first wife who also have the full sibling bond, then a boy by a second marriage, who I have found feels very much like me at times and he still struggles with it. Finally, my mother and father had me. I was the second girl for my mother ten years behind her youngest son, and first girl for my father. My parents separated when I was very young and ultimately my father passed away when I was eight from a heart attach induced by alcoholism. My father was no angel, in fact he was physically abusive and a classic case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So my mother's three children got out as soon as possible. My oldest brother lived with my grandparents until he graduated and went into the Air Force and became an air traffic controller. My sister and brother ultimately dropped out of school. I watched from the time I can remember, the hurt and sadness they both carried. They too made their way out the only way they could. Leaving me at eight dealing with being the only child to a now single parent home while by siblings began having children of their own. From the time my parents split until I reached at when I graduated high school, I didn't have my dad's children as siblings in my life. I stumbled through the years and was a "kid" sister. The "adult" conversations never really happened because I was the babysitter while the older ones did what young adults do. I enjoyed every moment of being the aunt. Except that time I caught my nephew cutting my niece's hair....not fun.
While I reached out to my dad's children it was very short lived. As I grew it became ok with me. I realized, I didn't need them to get where I was and I don't need them now. Bitter? Probably but that is how I looked at it. Still do really.
I met a wonderful young man my Junior year in high school. I can honestly say he was my one true love. The one you measure all others to. He was a true sole mate. I could laugh, cry, and really enjoy life. He was a year older than I was and as he went off to college his mother demanded he break up with me. That was a short break off and later I found out it was hidden from his parents. You know where this story ends...right? Well I may not have been good enough for him but I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me to realize that love exists, and with patience it will find you.
I then met Jared's Dad a couple year's later. I had talked myself into the fact I must quit comparing him to my first love. Nobody could every meet those expectations. Jared's dad and I had a good love but they say you search out a man like your father. Boy did I and not realize it. He was very much like my father. He was abusive physically and mentally. He was a cheater. But he also had a huge heart. The problem was he never learned to love himself, therefore, he could never love another.
Of course he and I divorced in what has to be the longest contested divorce in Illinois history for NOTHING! We are case law when it comes to removal of child from the state. Kind of crazy to think other lawyers refer to my case to show the child should be allowed to leave the state of Illinois at the time of the divorce. This was another time where I felt alone in a sea of people. Lot's of people around but really felt like I was alone. While his side paraded witnesses in and out, I had but just a couple. Of course I later learned, or confirmed, it wasn't really Jared's Dad behind the parade but rather his mother. How, you ask? Easy the cases she filed after his death to get custody of Jared. She had the same parade of witnesses coming in to tell the same thing over and over and over again. This time I had my husband by my side. At least for one of the days I did. Seemed silly to me to ask him to take additional days off to sit and listen to the garbage.
The constant in my life since 1997 was Jared. No matter what, he was there, loved me unconditionally, and without prejudice. He also became a big protector of me. I learned at the age of 3 he was sleeping in front of the door at night to protect mom from getting hurt. That came from a therapist. I only knew I kept finding him laying on the rug each morning. After Rich and I married he was a ball of fire because he felt that burden lifted. Rich was there to protect mom now. He could be a kid! Then after his father passed and the court proceedings fired up again from grandma, he went back to the protector of mom. This, ultimately, was the cause of his death. Once again, I am alone....so I thought.
I came to realize this all about Jared in the last couple of days as I looked through photos of him chronologically. Talk about a message from Jared! He showed me exactly what led to him taking his life and put puzzle pieces in place for me. I guess he felt it was time and I could now digest it a little better.
I find myself still in alone with many people around me. I drift off into happy times with Jared. Listening to him giggle, laugh, tell a joke, and catch me up on all the latest high school gossip. Sometimes this is in large crowds. Sometimes this is alone in a room.
Lately, I have really been listening with my heart and sole. I forgot to do that for a while. When I do, I really find peace. I find answers, direction, calmness, and true peace. This also means I have to distance myself from those I feel pull me away from these. It isn't that I don't want to be a part of their life or have them a part of mine, but I must put distance there to be healthy.
In the past few days I have watched this world go absolutely off its' axis. I have watched as hate took total control over the people of the US. They broke out in a Civil War not between North and South but between Hate and Love. No, not Black and White, it was pure Hate vs Love. I watched as a terrible act of hate took place at a church but the church responded with love. I watched as the community responded with love against that hate. The only people fueling the fire of hate "because of that incident" was people who were not even a part of that community. Nor would they listen to those that were devastated by the event who begged people to respond with love.
Today I watched news unfold of more murders. More Hate!
If you look back at all that I have written in this blog, you will see I have lots of people and reasons to hate. I could hate my father, my mother, my siblings, my economic suppression while growing up, my ex-husband, my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, the court system who clearly stated they were giving a judgement that if appealed would be overturned, and a number of other things. But why? Why should I hate? It is exhausting and quite honestly, only destroys me. Oh it could destroy others if I would choose the path of those who commit murder. But ultimately, that too would destroy me. Instead, I again listen with my heart and sole, and know that it is not my place to judge. I won't take sides on gay marriage. Why? Because it is not my place to judge. Do I believe everyone has a right to be loved, you bet your bottom. Is it my place to say who should love who? No. So is it my place to get involved in the Bruce Jenner craziness? Nope. Not my place to judge. I do have an opinion when it come to records. I do not believe that names on DD214s should be changed or any other record. I do believe a record of change should be created stating that while a person was X gender with X name they transitioned to Y gender with Y name. More of a paper trail than anything. But nobody asked me.
So now I walk the path of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. Talk about ALONE! Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that gives a damn. Then you get a message or text or post saying how proud of you someone is or that you gave someone strength to have a conversation to save themselves or others.
Anyway, I hope that if you feel alone in a sea of people you look inside yourself and find peace. I hope you find comfort, and guidance, and most of all peace.
While I reached out to my dad's children it was very short lived. As I grew it became ok with me. I realized, I didn't need them to get where I was and I don't need them now. Bitter? Probably but that is how I looked at it. Still do really.
I met a wonderful young man my Junior year in high school. I can honestly say he was my one true love. The one you measure all others to. He was a true sole mate. I could laugh, cry, and really enjoy life. He was a year older than I was and as he went off to college his mother demanded he break up with me. That was a short break off and later I found out it was hidden from his parents. You know where this story ends...right? Well I may not have been good enough for him but I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me to realize that love exists, and with patience it will find you.
I then met Jared's Dad a couple year's later. I had talked myself into the fact I must quit comparing him to my first love. Nobody could every meet those expectations. Jared's dad and I had a good love but they say you search out a man like your father. Boy did I and not realize it. He was very much like my father. He was abusive physically and mentally. He was a cheater. But he also had a huge heart. The problem was he never learned to love himself, therefore, he could never love another.
Of course he and I divorced in what has to be the longest contested divorce in Illinois history for NOTHING! We are case law when it comes to removal of child from the state. Kind of crazy to think other lawyers refer to my case to show the child should be allowed to leave the state of Illinois at the time of the divorce. This was another time where I felt alone in a sea of people. Lot's of people around but really felt like I was alone. While his side paraded witnesses in and out, I had but just a couple. Of course I later learned, or confirmed, it wasn't really Jared's Dad behind the parade but rather his mother. How, you ask? Easy the cases she filed after his death to get custody of Jared. She had the same parade of witnesses coming in to tell the same thing over and over and over again. This time I had my husband by my side. At least for one of the days I did. Seemed silly to me to ask him to take additional days off to sit and listen to the garbage.
The constant in my life since 1997 was Jared. No matter what, he was there, loved me unconditionally, and without prejudice. He also became a big protector of me. I learned at the age of 3 he was sleeping in front of the door at night to protect mom from getting hurt. That came from a therapist. I only knew I kept finding him laying on the rug each morning. After Rich and I married he was a ball of fire because he felt that burden lifted. Rich was there to protect mom now. He could be a kid! Then after his father passed and the court proceedings fired up again from grandma, he went back to the protector of mom. This, ultimately, was the cause of his death. Once again, I am alone....so I thought.
I came to realize this all about Jared in the last couple of days as I looked through photos of him chronologically. Talk about a message from Jared! He showed me exactly what led to him taking his life and put puzzle pieces in place for me. I guess he felt it was time and I could now digest it a little better.
I find myself still in alone with many people around me. I drift off into happy times with Jared. Listening to him giggle, laugh, tell a joke, and catch me up on all the latest high school gossip. Sometimes this is in large crowds. Sometimes this is alone in a room.
Lately, I have really been listening with my heart and sole. I forgot to do that for a while. When I do, I really find peace. I find answers, direction, calmness, and true peace. This also means I have to distance myself from those I feel pull me away from these. It isn't that I don't want to be a part of their life or have them a part of mine, but I must put distance there to be healthy.
In the past few days I have watched this world go absolutely off its' axis. I have watched as hate took total control over the people of the US. They broke out in a Civil War not between North and South but between Hate and Love. No, not Black and White, it was pure Hate vs Love. I watched as a terrible act of hate took place at a church but the church responded with love. I watched as the community responded with love against that hate. The only people fueling the fire of hate "because of that incident" was people who were not even a part of that community. Nor would they listen to those that were devastated by the event who begged people to respond with love.
Today I watched news unfold of more murders. More Hate!
If you look back at all that I have written in this blog, you will see I have lots of people and reasons to hate. I could hate my father, my mother, my siblings, my economic suppression while growing up, my ex-husband, my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, the court system who clearly stated they were giving a judgement that if appealed would be overturned, and a number of other things. But why? Why should I hate? It is exhausting and quite honestly, only destroys me. Oh it could destroy others if I would choose the path of those who commit murder. But ultimately, that too would destroy me. Instead, I again listen with my heart and sole, and know that it is not my place to judge. I won't take sides on gay marriage. Why? Because it is not my place to judge. Do I believe everyone has a right to be loved, you bet your bottom. Is it my place to say who should love who? No. So is it my place to get involved in the Bruce Jenner craziness? Nope. Not my place to judge. I do have an opinion when it come to records. I do not believe that names on DD214s should be changed or any other record. I do believe a record of change should be created stating that while a person was X gender with X name they transitioned to Y gender with Y name. More of a paper trail than anything. But nobody asked me.
So now I walk the path of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. Talk about ALONE! Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that gives a damn. Then you get a message or text or post saying how proud of you someone is or that you gave someone strength to have a conversation to save themselves or others.
Anyway, I hope that if you feel alone in a sea of people you look inside yourself and find peace. I hope you find comfort, and guidance, and most of all peace.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Doing A Download
It has been a while since I last blogged and my head has been spinning. I know it is best to write through grief, but sometimes life gets in the way of time for myself.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
Friday, June 5, 2015
My Year Of Firsts.....They Never End
While attending Jared's second Memorial service, the one held in Tennessee, I visited with some friends and the family of one of Jared's former soccer coaches. His coach had taken his life the year before Jared and his young daughter and I were talking and in a shaky voice from behind tears she said, I just finished my year of firsts. I had to ask her to repeat it but when she did it finally hit me, I am just beginning my year of firsts! How will I make it through this? WTF? Someone take me out of this nightmare! PLEASE GOD TAKE ME NOW!
Well in just 9 short days I will complete that calendar year. What I have come to realize is this, my firsts without Jared will not end there. Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? Is it just a thing? See this year has thrown a few things that wouldn't have thought of a year ago. I never thought I would have started a foundation, talked in front of groups of people at schools and organizations. I never thought I would become an advocate for the AFSP. I also never thought many other things. I never thought I could look at another picture of him and not cry. I never thought I would be able to smile again. I never thought happiness would ever be obtainable again.
While the year of firsts are coming to an end, it hit me this week that my "firsts" without Jared are really just beginning. I had my first holidays and birthdays and all that we think about. Yet I have many more firsts to go through. I also have been through my first graduation that Jared should have been a part of and will attend my second tomorrow. I have the first yearbook he should have been in as a senior but is a memory page. I still have to go through lots of first. The first baby will be born this fall into the family that will never know Jared, only through pictures and stories. The first funeral since Jared's. The first new car. The first vacation without him. We have done that one. We actually did that during the week of Easter, our wedding anniversary, and what should have been Jared's 18th birthday. Our first puppy that never met Jared. I have done that one too. First new job since he passed, first trip home, first friend getting married, first friend having a baby, first, first, first. They simply will never stop.
When I realized this I almost had a grief attack. Then a calmness came over me. It is ok. He will see everything, even if we can't see him. It is ok, because as long as we continue to have those firsts, we are still alive. It is ok, because Jared wants us to be happy and enjoy life. It is ok.
I do look forward to the first time I see his beautiful face again. I do look forward to the first time I feel him near me again. I do look forward to the first time I smell him again. I do look forward to the first......
I am not sure what other firsts are on the horizon, but I know I will be ok. With Jared as my Keeper, I am ok. I will continue to listen and be guided through my life by God and Jared. Jared continues to say it is not my turn, so until it is, there is work to be done.
Well in just 9 short days I will complete that calendar year. What I have come to realize is this, my firsts without Jared will not end there. Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? Is it just a thing? See this year has thrown a few things that wouldn't have thought of a year ago. I never thought I would have started a foundation, talked in front of groups of people at schools and organizations. I never thought I would become an advocate for the AFSP. I also never thought many other things. I never thought I could look at another picture of him and not cry. I never thought I would be able to smile again. I never thought happiness would ever be obtainable again.
While the year of firsts are coming to an end, it hit me this week that my "firsts" without Jared are really just beginning. I had my first holidays and birthdays and all that we think about. Yet I have many more firsts to go through. I also have been through my first graduation that Jared should have been a part of and will attend my second tomorrow. I have the first yearbook he should have been in as a senior but is a memory page. I still have to go through lots of first. The first baby will be born this fall into the family that will never know Jared, only through pictures and stories. The first funeral since Jared's. The first new car. The first vacation without him. We have done that one. We actually did that during the week of Easter, our wedding anniversary, and what should have been Jared's 18th birthday. Our first puppy that never met Jared. I have done that one too. First new job since he passed, first trip home, first friend getting married, first friend having a baby, first, first, first. They simply will never stop.
When I realized this I almost had a grief attack. Then a calmness came over me. It is ok. He will see everything, even if we can't see him. It is ok, because as long as we continue to have those firsts, we are still alive. It is ok, because Jared wants us to be happy and enjoy life. It is ok.
I do look forward to the first time I see his beautiful face again. I do look forward to the first time I feel him near me again. I do look forward to the first time I smell him again. I do look forward to the first......
I am not sure what other firsts are on the horizon, but I know I will be ok. With Jared as my Keeper, I am ok. I will continue to listen and be guided through my life by God and Jared. Jared continues to say it is not my turn, so until it is, there is work to be done.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
"Them Kids"
How did you say that? Go ahead say it outloud. "Them Kids"
Did you say it with frustration in your voice? Did you say it with awe in your voice? Did you day it with disbelief in your voice? Did you say it with anger in your voice? Did you day or with disappointment in your voice? Did you say it worth amazement in your voice?
Throughout this month I have heard those two words used with many inflections. You know they say emails can be read the wrong way? Well these two words are living proof.
I have heard "them kids" more than I can count this month. I have also reflected and contemplated on this. Here is how I feel about "them kids".
I have had people share stories with me of children "coming out" with thier family about being gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual recently. A friend of mine confided in me, then felt guilty as if they had burdened me with thier issue. The issue was fear for loss of thier marriage and family unit. What my friend didn't realize is they shared that fear and then had support no matter the outcome of supporting the child in the coming days as the rest of the family unit was told.
I have had stories shared about children who chose unexpected paths. As an example, one story was of a young man who was extremely talented in the theatrical arts, while dad was a standout athlete. I also heard the story of an academically over achieving young woman who is headed to a trade school or possible military.
I have heard stories of young people being destructive and how the youth today just don't care about anything.
I have heard stories of young men who have saved lives by getting involved when others didn't. I heard stories of how one young lady wasn't going to let some of her classmates fail and not graduate so she volunteered her time to help every one of them make it.
Them kids!
So this is what I think.
Adults are selfish! That is what I think. Why? What? How dare I?
See in every situation I encountered it wasn't about what was best for or made the young adult happy it was about how it made the adults feel. I know some of you just said "Deb the butter just slipped off your noodle." Here is why I say this. See the story I told you first, it was fear of how the parent would react. Fear of embarrassment of the parent. Fear of shame put on the parent by others. Oh boy, it is time to practice what we as parents have preached for ever, don't worry what others will think about you. Easier said than done isn't it?
The athlete, artistic, and trade or military stories I shared, well they too are selfish parents. Not my kid! My child will be in the NFL or will go to Harvard because I want that bumper sticker to make me look important and make "me" happy. Well parents, it isn't about us, it is about our children's happiness and if you can't be happy and proud of them for being the best at whatever they do, shame on you, not them.
Now how about thoseother two stories, how does that make the adults selfish? Well, certaily pride for those young adults are easily seen in the eyes of thier parents but more interesting is that it is the surrounding adults who want to take the glory for something they didn't do! I watched as school officials took pride in the fact they had a student do what THEY should have been doing. This student made that school look great on all those state reports to hit thier graduation percentile.
But here is what I saw. I saw "them kids" who are amazing, lazy, caring, selfish, empathetic, compassionate, purpose driven, inquisitive, love deprived, abused, neglected, ignored, over achieving, under achieving, achieving, stressed, emotional, emotionless, clean, dirty, happy, sad, disappointed, elated, proud, and perfect the way they are. They are perfect the way they are! Say that again slowly, THEY ARE PERFECT THE WAY THEY ARE!
The things I have heard and seen this month is mind boggling on many levels.
But parents I am calling you out on this one. If your child reaches out to you for help, shut up, listen, forget about how people will think of you, and think of your child. Get that child help if they ask for it. I have had more cases of this than I care to think about this month. When your child says to you they are cutting, they don't mean class they mean thier bodies HELP THEM! When they tell you they are huffing, that doesn't mean they are frustrated they are getting high! Please for the love of God and your child stop your BS and help your child!
I don't want to have your name come across for a Keeper Box. I don't want you in this sorority of Angel Parents. I don't want you to feel the pain that we feel.
I also want to address those who feel suicide is cowardly. I am sorry you feel that way. I too once thought that, because that is what I had always heard. Reality is, that is false. What is true is suicide is a permanent solution to what MIGHT be a temporary problem. What IS true is suicide is about stopping a pain so deep, so dark, so vast, that those who never have felt such pain, have no way to empathize with such pain.
Them kids are our future. Then kids are going to do some wonderful things. Them kids are just the way they are supposed to be.
Them adults, well we need to work on a few things.
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