It has been a while since I last blogged and my head has been spinning. I know it is best to write through grief, but sometimes life gets in the way of time for myself.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
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