It is so hard at times to keep that smile on and not shout out, "shut the BLEEP up!" In the early weeks of Jared's loss people walked on eggshells around me. I encouraged them to celebrate their children, even as I mourn the loss of mine. After all, Jared was always the one celebrating his friends and cheering them on. I felt it important for those around me to know it is ok to talk about their child or children. As time goes on though, I do find myself arguing with....myself. Sometimes you get that parent who just wants to make excuses why they haven't called, emailed, messaged, or otherwise acknowledged your existence since you lost your child. That is when the "other" side of me screams inside my head, "shut up already, I know your child is alive and well and life is grand". Then I also think, wish you could feel this for just one hour, not a minute more, just one hour to understand. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want people to understand. I want them to understand that your child is important to me, you are important to me, but my child was also important to me. I hate when people try to justify their loss of things they enjoyed in life to my loss of a child. NOPE, not the same. I am sorry your friends are all too busy to go have dinner each week and that makes you sad and I know it is a big loss to you, BUT it is nothing like my loss. Thank you for trying.
I have worked hard on myself to insure I did not, and do not, become bitter, isolated, and allow myself to go to a dark area of life. That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Why? Because it is easy to do all of those things. It is easy to be sad. In fact it takes no work whatsoever to be sad. THAT, is sad. It takes no work to isolate yourself from other. It takes lots of work to gain the strength, courage, and motivation to leave the house and deal with the looks, stares, back turning, and avoidance that takes place to those who are left behind. While I am left behind from my only child taking his life, I think this is true no matter what loved one is lost and how they were lost. People just don't know what to say, so they avoid it at all costs to them.
I have learned to develop coping skills when I am confronted with the extremely gloating parent (usually momma) who just continues to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their pride and joy. How their child is the smartest, most talented, most high achieving child to ever live. First, I smile. I think to myself, Jared would tell you quite a different story after we left. He would also say, they are just a proud mom, just like you. OK, Fine that makes sense.
Next, I keep my mouth shut. Your loss of your small child and my loss of my child cannot be compared, so I don't even try to explain to them. Jared would tell me that too.
Last, I always try to complement the child being praised by the happy parent. It is good they are doing that. Unfortunately, I have found too many who know little to nothing about what their child does.
I have made my focus in life to save lives now. I tried with all my might to save Jared and lost that fight. If I can save one, it was worth the fight. I would never tell a parent to quit talking about their child, because I will never quit talking about mine. I can be happy for the child and the parent in these situations because I can watch that child blossom into an amazing adult.
While I gave birth to just one child, I have always found myself surrounded by many. In a way that is God's way of giving me children.
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