This past Saturday was International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. As you may know, Jared's Keepers Foundation hosted the one here on St. Croix. We had over 20 people come out on a very rainy day. In fact so rainy many roads were flooded. It was a good day. Teens and adults shared a special day together. They learned from one another and grew in their healing process.
Sunday was my (31st birthday again). I enjoyed it relaxing at home, out to lunch with my hubby overlooking Buck Island, then a few drinks with friends before he took me to the Casino where I won a few dollars. I shared one special memory with my mom on the phone, it was a few years ago and Mom was watching Jared for us while we had gone on a trip. We returned on my birthday. Waiting for us, late at night, was a blond haired blue eyed boy who was so proud he had made me a Red Velvet Birthday Cake with Cream Cheese icing. Candles and "Happy Birthday Mom" made it complete.
I had the day off yesterday and began to prepare for the upcoming Thanksgiving meal. I am not sure I am ready for the flood of emotions I am sure will accompany the day. But I made it through Sunday so I will make it through Thursday too.
I have taken a job 3 days a week but for the next 2 weeks it will be 5 as the owner is off island for some much needed rest and relaxation. I enjoy the job, it is in a Bridal Boutique and it is also where Jared rented his Tux for prom. It makes me happy and I see his smiling face everywhere there.
This week is full and I may be dark for a few days. Thursday is Thanksgiving, Friday kicks off the Carnival Season with Jump Up Celebration, I hope we island hop to St Thomas on Sunday, then back to work to end on the 6th of Dec so I can entertain my in-laws who are coming to visit for a week. I am looking forward to them coming.
Zoe is growing and being stinker at times. But, just lets me know she is normal.
May you have a blessed and peaceful Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Twas The Night Before International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day
I have reminded myself many times this week that thing will be fine. I took on a huge task and at times felt overwhelmed. Today was different. Throw me a curve ball I dare you....no biggie. No cooler for deinks? Who cares. No sandwiches donated...,who cares. I have learned that things just don't bother me like they once did. I will duck, jump, roll out of the way, or catch the ball in the gut if need be.
Tomorrow across the World Survivors and Survivors of Loss will gather to heal and support each other.
Speech written, info for film facilitator, check, quilt project, check, Jared's Keepers,check. Hubby filming,check. We are good.
Sometimes you must lean on other people for help and yet that can be the hardest thing to do. I look forward to sharing my experiences in a few days. Tomorrow is the event and Sunday I will be 31 with 11 years experience.
Until we talk again.
Tomorrow across the World Survivors and Survivors of Loss will gather to heal and support each other.
Speech written, info for film facilitator, check, quilt project, check, Jared's Keepers,check. Hubby filming,check. We are good.
Sometimes you must lean on other people for help and yet that can be the hardest thing to do. I look forward to sharing my experiences in a few days. Tomorrow is the event and Sunday I will be 31 with 11 years experience.
Until we talk again.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Why Are You In My Life
Have you ever asked yourself why someone was in your life? Be it good or bad, people are in our lives for a reason. Some to grant us peace when needed. Some to help us grow in a way that we will need later in life. Some to entertain us.
I have thought a lot about this subject recently. I have talked about the dividers we place in our lives. The divider of before and after graduation, the divider before and after I got married, the divider before and after I had children. I have the divider, before and after Jared passed. So I have been thinking about friends I had before and now. I had friends that were casual friends that have become extremely close. I have had stranger that are now a deep connection, I had close friends that stepped away and I had family members of Jared's who have completely disappeared. Before that divider was placed, I might have cared about those who choose to walk away, but in some cases I find it a blessing. I find it a disappointment for others, and I find it indifferent on others.
I have had many friends of Jared's become friends of mine and likewise become friends with their parents. Some of these people I lived around for 14 years but we never took the time to get to know each other for one reason or another. Some close friends of Jared's have stepped away to process their grief in isolation. Some of my friends have been silent supporters with a hug when needed, be it cyber or in person, and some of my friends have stepped away because of fear of "if it could happen to you then it could happen to me" thoughts.
But I have been blessed with other friendships that have been connections on a much deeper level that was not present before. Before they were casual friends that I would sit next to at soccer games, or occasionally chat with on Facebook. They have shared stories and their loss. It is a sorority of sorts that no one want to belong to. I have had connections with people who were close or attempted to take their life at one point.
There are those that share their talents with you that you never knew they had. There are those that run away because they don't want to be asked to help.
We live in a gated neighborhood here and to say we have upscale neighbors would be truthful. I was befriended by a couple of ladies when I first moved here that have since gone into hiding. It hurt at first but I was able to talk with one at a gathering on Halloween. She explained they simply don't know what to say to me. I told her, I am still the same person they knew before just broken. I can still talk about things and I am happy to answer questions you may have. Something else happened that night, our neighbor who was just a wave as we go by type neighbor, has become more. They gave me a special gift of true friendship. They don't treat me like I have the plague. They treat me like a human mother that lost her child. A hug each time we meet, followed by a heartfelt compliment that leads into a conversation about other aspects of life.
Today I spoke to another mother of loss. She cried because she found someone else here who understands her pain as a mother. It is difficult when you feel you have no one that understands near you. She has been grieving in silence for four years now. She didn't even know this event existed on Saturday until she saw a flyer at her place of employment.
I then had the pleasure of going to lunch with a young woman who we have had a casual friendship and our conversation turned into realizing we had more of a friendship than once realized. One of intellectual conversations, laughs, and fun lunches. I think there will be more to come.
I also have excepted the evil people who are in my life. They too are there for a reason. I think one reason is to make me appreciate all the wonderful people I have around me. I used to feel sorry for some people because of different things, but I don't any longer. I feel compassion, empathy, and understanding, but not sorry for anyone. One of the conversations at lunch was we all have a story to tell. Some people glue the dark pages together so they can't be read and others let those pages work in one of two ways. Some choose to want exceptions made for them because of the path they have traveled and others let those pages remind them of how strong they really are.
Some of you who read this blog I know and some I do not. But we have crossed paths for a reason. Thank you for being a part of my life.
I have thought a lot about this subject recently. I have talked about the dividers we place in our lives. The divider of before and after graduation, the divider before and after I got married, the divider before and after I had children. I have the divider, before and after Jared passed. So I have been thinking about friends I had before and now. I had friends that were casual friends that have become extremely close. I have had stranger that are now a deep connection, I had close friends that stepped away and I had family members of Jared's who have completely disappeared. Before that divider was placed, I might have cared about those who choose to walk away, but in some cases I find it a blessing. I find it a disappointment for others, and I find it indifferent on others.
I have had many friends of Jared's become friends of mine and likewise become friends with their parents. Some of these people I lived around for 14 years but we never took the time to get to know each other for one reason or another. Some close friends of Jared's have stepped away to process their grief in isolation. Some of my friends have been silent supporters with a hug when needed, be it cyber or in person, and some of my friends have stepped away because of fear of "if it could happen to you then it could happen to me" thoughts.
But I have been blessed with other friendships that have been connections on a much deeper level that was not present before. Before they were casual friends that I would sit next to at soccer games, or occasionally chat with on Facebook. They have shared stories and their loss. It is a sorority of sorts that no one want to belong to. I have had connections with people who were close or attempted to take their life at one point.
There are those that share their talents with you that you never knew they had. There are those that run away because they don't want to be asked to help.
We live in a gated neighborhood here and to say we have upscale neighbors would be truthful. I was befriended by a couple of ladies when I first moved here that have since gone into hiding. It hurt at first but I was able to talk with one at a gathering on Halloween. She explained they simply don't know what to say to me. I told her, I am still the same person they knew before just broken. I can still talk about things and I am happy to answer questions you may have. Something else happened that night, our neighbor who was just a wave as we go by type neighbor, has become more. They gave me a special gift of true friendship. They don't treat me like I have the plague. They treat me like a human mother that lost her child. A hug each time we meet, followed by a heartfelt compliment that leads into a conversation about other aspects of life.
Today I spoke to another mother of loss. She cried because she found someone else here who understands her pain as a mother. It is difficult when you feel you have no one that understands near you. She has been grieving in silence for four years now. She didn't even know this event existed on Saturday until she saw a flyer at her place of employment.
I then had the pleasure of going to lunch with a young woman who we have had a casual friendship and our conversation turned into realizing we had more of a friendship than once realized. One of intellectual conversations, laughs, and fun lunches. I think there will be more to come.
I also have excepted the evil people who are in my life. They too are there for a reason. I think one reason is to make me appreciate all the wonderful people I have around me. I used to feel sorry for some people because of different things, but I don't any longer. I feel compassion, empathy, and understanding, but not sorry for anyone. One of the conversations at lunch was we all have a story to tell. Some people glue the dark pages together so they can't be read and others let those pages work in one of two ways. Some choose to want exceptions made for them because of the path they have traveled and others let those pages remind them of how strong they really are.
Some of you who read this blog I know and some I do not. But we have crossed paths for a reason. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Traditions and Where Is Heaven?
Today I finished an ornament that will go on our tree. Not a big deal for most people but for me it has been a struggle. A struggle to think about Christmas, a struggle to continue a tradition I started the year Jared was born, a struggle to find the right thing to make.
The other night I woke at about 1 am just wide awake. Why? I soon would know. I felt something telling me to gather items. Gather chop sticks, black material, bright paint sticks, but what was I going to do with this stuff? It then started to become clear. I was creating a Mocko Jumbie. I painted the chop sticks with bright green and orange around the bottom. I then made a pair of shorts out of the black material. By this time I was starting to see what I was being guided to make. I wanted to keep working on it but felt like I was being told to return to sleep as I had to work the next day.
The next night I worked more. I knew I needed a special color for the shirt. Bright florescent yellow. But where the heck am I going to get that? Not like I have a Joann Fabrics I can run to. Then something told me to look through Jared's clothes. It was a battle within because I was obviously going to have to cut whatever I found and how in the heck am I going to cut anything that touched his body? Then it jumped out of the drawer at me. It was a neon yellow shirt he would wear to practice in and it had forever stains in it. So it made sense to cut those areas out to create a goalie shirt for my soccer goalie Mocko Jumbie.
I painted a bead to look like a soccer ball and even found weather stripping that was cut to become goalie gloves. I then created the head but needed something on it. A voice said to check a flower pot that I had picked up some hair from Jared's last hair cut I gave him and tossed it in the pot. Ironically, there was a lock still there. So my blond haired Jared Jumbie or Mocko Jared was born.
The other night I woke at about 1 am just wide awake. Why? I soon would know. I felt something telling me to gather items. Gather chop sticks, black material, bright paint sticks, but what was I going to do with this stuff? It then started to become clear. I was creating a Mocko Jumbie. I painted the chop sticks with bright green and orange around the bottom. I then made a pair of shorts out of the black material. By this time I was starting to see what I was being guided to make. I wanted to keep working on it but felt like I was being told to return to sleep as I had to work the next day.
The next night I worked more. I knew I needed a special color for the shirt. Bright florescent yellow. But where the heck am I going to get that? Not like I have a Joann Fabrics I can run to. Then something told me to look through Jared's clothes. It was a battle within because I was obviously going to have to cut whatever I found and how in the heck am I going to cut anything that touched his body? Then it jumped out of the drawer at me. It was a neon yellow shirt he would wear to practice in and it had forever stains in it. So it made sense to cut those areas out to create a goalie shirt for my soccer goalie Mocko Jumbie.
I painted a bead to look like a soccer ball and even found weather stripping that was cut to become goalie gloves. I then created the head but needed something on it. A voice said to check a flower pot that I had picked up some hair from Jared's last hair cut I gave him and tossed it in the pot. Ironically, there was a lock still there. So my blond haired Jared Jumbie or Mocko Jared was born.
The Mocko Jumbie comes from African heritage. It is believed that the Jumbies tower over all the people in the village to be able to see the evil spirits in the village and chase them away so the loving spirits of our loved ones can walk among us.
Mocko Jumbies appear here in parades and celebrations. They walk on stilts and tower 12 feet and taller. In fact it is entertaining when they sit on the roof of a 2 story building to rest during the night. Shortly after we arrived Jared asked how he could learn to be a Jumbie. I think he would have made a good one.
This all has had me thinking this week about Heaven. Where is Heaven? As a child I grew up believing that Heaven was beyond the clouds, sky, and stars. Somewhere far away. But I am learning from Jared that just isn't true. I am finding Heaven exists here on Earth. They walk among us but yet in a different realm. How have I gone all these years and not known that? I am learning from Jared's visits that our loved ones are walking with us all the time and can transport at anytime to be anywhere they are needed. They still have a sense of humor and enjoy playing tricks on us to get us to smile. They love to play with animals and babies because they see them.
I have been dreading the Holidays and prayed one night that if it was God's will I was ready to go and be with Jared. Let someone else live and he could have me. Then I got a visit from Jared. He shared with me about Heaven and how we are together but I can't touch him right now. He explained to me I have work to do and there are things I need to be here for that would be shared with me when the time is right. I asked him about these signs I keep seeing and he just smiled and said, you taught me how to work puzzles mom, keep working. Really Jared? Really? Sigh. So I will continue to work on the puzzle pieces as he gives them to me.
So while I want Jared with me physically, he is with me spiritually. I know this because he has told me and I see Zoe playing with him.
This week I broke to the point of uncontrollable tears and hurt. I picked Jared up and rocked him in as I sat in the chair holding his urn. I felt a cool breeze then I heard him say, now you understand why I chose to be with you. I love when you rock me, always have loved sitting with you I felt safe. Of course that brought more tears. I thought if I would have not listened to what Jared asked me to do, which was against what had been done in all of our families, then I would not have been able to rock him and have that moment.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Compassion and Drama Identification
Tonight I became upset at a comment left on a post of a former student of mine. She is really struggling and from what I can gather from other posts she is suffering from an addiction of some kind. Her comment tonight was how terrible her life is and how she just wants to die but can't get that to happen either. I quickly responded with how beautiful a person she is and don't give up. Shortly after someone posted how she should just quit bringing drama on that she continues to bring it into her life. How dare you person I don't know, tell her that! Are you perfect? If she is suffering from an addiction then help her don't kick her while she is down. How ridiculous. This post is a cry out for help and all you did was tell her what she didn't need to hear.
I remember as a young girl my grandmother faithfully watched Days of Our Lives. I didn't know what it was at the time but as I became a teen it is what all the girls watched when they got home since the invention of the VHS recorder. (dating myself aren't I?) Anyway, I remember talking with my grandmother one day and she explained to me that the day her house burnt to the ground she never again watched that show. I asked her why, all the while thinking how silly that was. She explained to me that she had suffered such drama in her life she no longer needed to watch it on TV. Still I didn't understand until I went through my separation and divorce from Jared's dad. NOW I UNDERSTAND. That is when I no longer watched that show ever again. I had enough drama in my life I certainly didn't need to watch anymore.
I again experience this. I enjoyed 20/20 mystery and Dateline mystery shows. I don't any longer. In fact it goes far beyond just that. I can't even make myself watch any show with violence. I have tried. I just find myself turning away or changing channels. This is frustrating on one level because I used to enjoy some of these very shows with Jared and Rich. Shows like 24 or Hell On Wheels. I just can't stomach them. My anxiety level skyrockets and I begin to get physically ill.
Today I realized that there are a lot of these shows on. I almost feel like the only thing I can watch is Nickelodeon....lol, but I fear Batman may be too much. I find this on Facebook too. People are mean! Not a big Taylor fan but Why You Gotta Be So Mean?
I read an article today on the 5 kinds of friends we have during grief. One was the vanishing friend. The ones that just disappear because they don't know how to process our grief and we no longer fit into their life. I think in my young friends life I would hope this "mean" girl becomes one of those disappearing friends. Trust me "mean" girl we can beat the hell out of ourselves we certainly don't need any help with that. We need help picking ourselves up and having someone there to catch us when we stumble or fall. We don't need someone to shove us down a flight of stairs.
What I am saying is not only grief related it is life related. In life we need to learn to identify the drama and those who weigh us down with it. Stop focusing on the little things and making big thing out of them. Surround ourselves with love, spirituality, and kind people. Remember that it could be you that saves a life without knowing it. It could be you simply saying Good Morning to a stranger passing you in the post office that is on their way to end their life and a kind word changes their outlook on life. It could be a phone call or a text message to just say Hey thinking of you, how are you?
Life is short, love each other.....remember what we learned from Thumper as children, if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothin at all.
I remember as a young girl my grandmother faithfully watched Days of Our Lives. I didn't know what it was at the time but as I became a teen it is what all the girls watched when they got home since the invention of the VHS recorder. (dating myself aren't I?) Anyway, I remember talking with my grandmother one day and she explained to me that the day her house burnt to the ground she never again watched that show. I asked her why, all the while thinking how silly that was. She explained to me that she had suffered such drama in her life she no longer needed to watch it on TV. Still I didn't understand until I went through my separation and divorce from Jared's dad. NOW I UNDERSTAND. That is when I no longer watched that show ever again. I had enough drama in my life I certainly didn't need to watch anymore.
I again experience this. I enjoyed 20/20 mystery and Dateline mystery shows. I don't any longer. In fact it goes far beyond just that. I can't even make myself watch any show with violence. I have tried. I just find myself turning away or changing channels. This is frustrating on one level because I used to enjoy some of these very shows with Jared and Rich. Shows like 24 or Hell On Wheels. I just can't stomach them. My anxiety level skyrockets and I begin to get physically ill.
Today I realized that there are a lot of these shows on. I almost feel like the only thing I can watch is Nickelodeon....lol, but I fear Batman may be too much. I find this on Facebook too. People are mean! Not a big Taylor fan but Why You Gotta Be So Mean?
I read an article today on the 5 kinds of friends we have during grief. One was the vanishing friend. The ones that just disappear because they don't know how to process our grief and we no longer fit into their life. I think in my young friends life I would hope this "mean" girl becomes one of those disappearing friends. Trust me "mean" girl we can beat the hell out of ourselves we certainly don't need any help with that. We need help picking ourselves up and having someone there to catch us when we stumble or fall. We don't need someone to shove us down a flight of stairs.
What I am saying is not only grief related it is life related. In life we need to learn to identify the drama and those who weigh us down with it. Stop focusing on the little things and making big thing out of them. Surround ourselves with love, spirituality, and kind people. Remember that it could be you that saves a life without knowing it. It could be you simply saying Good Morning to a stranger passing you in the post office that is on their way to end their life and a kind word changes their outlook on life. It could be a phone call or a text message to just say Hey thinking of you, how are you?
Life is short, love each other.....remember what we learned from Thumper as children, if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothin at all.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Moving Forward Without Control
This week I started a part time job that I dearly love. I takes me to a happy place when I am there. I have also been busy organizing two Survivors of Suicide Loss Days and loving on my husband and Zoe as much as possible. I have really been feeling like I am moving forward but once in a while it hits me like a brick wall at 180 miles an hour. ANGER, RAGE, HEARTBREAK, HURT, REGRET, HELPLESSNESS, FRUSTRATION, DISAPPOINTMENT, LONELINESS, GUILT, LOVE, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, and many many other emotions that I am not sure if they have a name. I wish so many things right now. Mostly, I wish the holidays were not coming, but this year they are coming faster than I have ever felt them before. I feel like I am on a huge downhill ice covered road with deep ditches on both sides and an unknown at the bottom or if there IS a bottom. I am just trying to keep it on the road and out of the ditch.
How do you tell yourself to quit listening to part of what is going on inside but TO listen to other parts? I am leaning heavy on my faith and my belief in Angels walking among us. I am also confused right now. If you have followed me you know I have a strong connection with Jared through birds. Lately, when I feel him the strongest there are 3 birds. I figure, no I know one is him, one I assume is Poco, and I am baffled on who the third might be. I have ideas and feelings but why? One thing is Jared was a social butterfly so he was always with people, usually girls. So am I completely wrong? Is it not Poco but girls? LOL I won't know for sure for years, but I know they watch me often.
I wonder at times will this world ever get it? How can we have such double standards in this place? How is it compassion pours for a woman who commits medically assisted suicide but not those who do it on their own? How is it one is ok and the other is thought to be "giving up" on life? Why can't people educate themselves? Why is it that elected officials flippantly joke that reporters that have been following his campaign need to be put on suicide watch? WTH? Have you EVER been on suicide watch? I have and it sucks! Sitting in a chair all night in the most uncomfortable position you can find so not to fall asleep so you don't lose your child. Yes it sucks big time. Have you ever followed your child around virtually to make sure they were moving and not stopped somewhere for too long? I have. Have you ever stalked their social media so you could try to pick up on little signs? I have. So how dare you ignorant people say that my son, and others like him, are giving up on life and are different than the woman who was told she would die in a few months? Doctors make mistakes maybe she would have had a miracle? Maybe they were wrong. But it is ok for her but not my son? BULLSHIT. He hurt too. A pain you will never understand, I hope. A pain I tried desperately to take away from him. BUT I FAILED and now I live with that each day and night.
Here is what I have learned. We, ALL OF US, have got to drop the BS and band together to help those who need the support for mental and emotional struggles. I am not saying I don't have compassion or that I do or don't support assisted suicide, what I AM saying is suicide is suicide is suicide.
People hurt and don't want those they love the most to suffer. THAT is what it is about. Still we try to justify or worse yet dismiss the suicide as "drug overdose" or they were a "junkie" or "addict". Really people? Why do people turn to drugs and alcohol in such strong force that they become an addict? PAIN They are suffering a pain of some sort.
I watch the work young adults are doing to help get the message out to kids and adults alike to stay with us we need you....YOU ARE A KEEPER. Sometimes, my sweet girl in Tennessee gets frustrated but I try to reassure her she is making a difference. Other times, I am down and she seems to sense it and message me when I need it the most.
This build up in emotions prompted me this week to begin work on a book. Many people asked me in the first month following Jared's passing to write a book and help others. I felt this week it was time to begin that journey. When completed I will make the decision on if I should try to get it published but, one step at a time.
Sorry for the rant tonight but I feel better having gotten that off my mind.
How do you tell yourself to quit listening to part of what is going on inside but TO listen to other parts? I am leaning heavy on my faith and my belief in Angels walking among us. I am also confused right now. If you have followed me you know I have a strong connection with Jared through birds. Lately, when I feel him the strongest there are 3 birds. I figure, no I know one is him, one I assume is Poco, and I am baffled on who the third might be. I have ideas and feelings but why? One thing is Jared was a social butterfly so he was always with people, usually girls. So am I completely wrong? Is it not Poco but girls? LOL I won't know for sure for years, but I know they watch me often.
I wonder at times will this world ever get it? How can we have such double standards in this place? How is it compassion pours for a woman who commits medically assisted suicide but not those who do it on their own? How is it one is ok and the other is thought to be "giving up" on life? Why can't people educate themselves? Why is it that elected officials flippantly joke that reporters that have been following his campaign need to be put on suicide watch? WTH? Have you EVER been on suicide watch? I have and it sucks! Sitting in a chair all night in the most uncomfortable position you can find so not to fall asleep so you don't lose your child. Yes it sucks big time. Have you ever followed your child around virtually to make sure they were moving and not stopped somewhere for too long? I have. Have you ever stalked their social media so you could try to pick up on little signs? I have. So how dare you ignorant people say that my son, and others like him, are giving up on life and are different than the woman who was told she would die in a few months? Doctors make mistakes maybe she would have had a miracle? Maybe they were wrong. But it is ok for her but not my son? BULLSHIT. He hurt too. A pain you will never understand, I hope. A pain I tried desperately to take away from him. BUT I FAILED and now I live with that each day and night.
Here is what I have learned. We, ALL OF US, have got to drop the BS and band together to help those who need the support for mental and emotional struggles. I am not saying I don't have compassion or that I do or don't support assisted suicide, what I AM saying is suicide is suicide is suicide.
People hurt and don't want those they love the most to suffer. THAT is what it is about. Still we try to justify or worse yet dismiss the suicide as "drug overdose" or they were a "junkie" or "addict". Really people? Why do people turn to drugs and alcohol in such strong force that they become an addict? PAIN They are suffering a pain of some sort.
I watch the work young adults are doing to help get the message out to kids and adults alike to stay with us we need you....YOU ARE A KEEPER. Sometimes, my sweet girl in Tennessee gets frustrated but I try to reassure her she is making a difference. Other times, I am down and she seems to sense it and message me when I need it the most.
This build up in emotions prompted me this week to begin work on a book. Many people asked me in the first month following Jared's passing to write a book and help others. I felt this week it was time to begin that journey. When completed I will make the decision on if I should try to get it published but, one step at a time.
Sorry for the rant tonight but I feel better having gotten that off my mind.
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