I arrived back home yesterday afternoon. It was a bit emotional for me but life must go on. It was hard leaving Kingston Springs in one way, but in others it was easy. I did hold it together but it wasn't easy, as we headed to the airport early in the morning for the first flight out, the same that Jared and Poco and I left on a nearly a year ago to begin our new life. I got to spend time with old friends, new friends, and relationships brought together by Jared. I wish he had chosen a different alternative, but he accomplished one of his goals and that was to bring people together for a great cause. That cause is suicide prevention and he brought a special gift to my life. A young lady he called his bestie has now become my right hand in this crusade. In fact all credit must be given to her for me not to be curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom right now. Her drive and ambition reminds me of someone years ago....me. Maybe that is why Jared was so fond of her.
I saw hurt in so many eyes this past week. Young adults that knew nothing to say but greeted me with a hug. Some greeted me with tears of pain. I told them all that tears are fine as long as there are some happy ones there too.
I had dinner my last night there with our former neighbors. It was extremely emotional for me. That is where Jared and I had our last dinner before leaving to move. It was so warm yet hard. Our neighbor and Jared were so very close. He had raised girls so I think he really enjoyed Jared to have some guy time. We cried together and shared stories and just enjoyed one another.
It was empowering to travel alone and when I arrived back here I think I am a new person. I think I am much stronger and much more driven.
Rich informed me that he will be traveling quite a bit in the next few weeks for work and next week our sweet fur-baby Zoe comes home so she and I will get lots of cuddle time.
I talked to Jared today and told him how I really felt him near me last week and it was as if he were next to me when I heard him say, "I am always near you".
I really wish I has my baby back on earth with me. But I see his beautiful eyes and sweet smile everywhere!
I have yet to break down from traveling but it will happen. For now....I must focus on the week ahead.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Being Jared's Mom Still
I landed in Nashville around 11pm central time on Wednesday. This was the 4th anniversary of Dan's suicide. I had an experience on my flight from Miami to Nashville that was amazing. See I have let Jared sit next to the window so he could see out for his entire life. I was usually in the middle. For reasons unknown but welcomed, our plane was relatively empty. In fact most of us had an entire row to ourselves. So shortly after take off.....slide over to the window and stretched my feet out on the other two seats and began to read. For whatever reason, my mind began to drift from what I was reading into memories of traveling with Jared. Then I felt a weight lean against my arm and on my shoulder....the same weight I would feel as he would fall asleep and lean on me during flight. I could feel him with me. I talked to him and before long we were laughing and he said look at this mom..... The next thing I knew I was sharing a familiar game with him we had played throughout his life....what does that cloud look like....except it was the lights below. We saw anchors, octopus, pirate ships, stars, horse, and much, much more. Before I knew it the they are preparing to land in Nashville. I heard him say to me...I must go for a while but enjoy for me. WOW what he had in store for me. I thought I was the one who was going to give the surprises.
Thursday Melanie and I got up and began running like a couple of teenage girls who just got their drivers license. We stopped by the high school so I could talk with the principal. I wanted to talk to him and thank him personally for being supportive of Kelsey. I shared surprises that were about to take place with him and he was impressed and became a bigger supporter of the cause. After tears and hugs with two of the kids who saw me in the office we were off and running. Shopping for the new Fur Baby coming home mostly and some shopping she needed to do as well. We had lunch together and then a stealth like arrival at the girls soccer game. I left the stands during the first half to talk to some friends running the score board. Half-time! Here comes the girls to the goal near us. Double looks shot my way and then tears began to fall......not mine.....theirs. I feared I had just messed with their game but I had no idea what was to come. The second half was AWESOME. Those girls played so hard. They won 3-2 over a team who did not make it easy. In fact they tried every dirty, but legal, tactic to keep them from the win. After the game and the coaches talk, here they came one by one. Each the same, tears, hugs, apology for being stinky and sweaty, and I Love You Miss Debbie's.....can't get enough of those (even the stinky sweaty hugs). After the game I kept hearing the parents say that was the best they have played all year. Well, they had an Angel coaching them from above. As I cuddled under the covers I began to get messages from the girls. Many said they were sorry they didn't talk more but they didn't want to cry in front of me and upset me. 2 girls said they played so hard the second half for me and for Jared. While that is sweet, it clearly was more for Jared, I was just a physical reminder of the determination he kept reminding them of. Jared had served as their assistant in Middle School and was always there to help train their keeper.
We made our way from the field out to the senior float building location. While I was invited out to surprise the class, I was the one surprised. I had gotten a couple of text messages while sitting in the Miami airport of the "senior" sign on the float. They had included Jared with "fly high Jared" written in balloon letters. So there I am looking at this amazing float they had built and with a deep breath to the back I went with a friend who didn't realize they had done that. While looking at another sign that said 2015 I saw a student that left to do online schooling. I said, "Oh I didn't know he was back this year". Lisa said, "he isn't this is from their Freshman year they keep reusing it." I am sure my face was the look of shock. What?! Sure enough....there he was. His signature right there. Tears fell and I couldn't stop them. I spent some time talking with the kids and we all headed home to get some rest.
Friday was Homecoming. Again we were off and running to prepare items that we needed to get for the kids. More shopping for Zoe the new Fur-Baby. Then it is time for the parade. I did well until....yes....the senior float came down the road. The theme was Greek Gods and the Seniors got Hades. The back float with flames surrounding it and a moving devil with evil black creatures with lit up red eyes came out of hell to deliver a defeat to the other team. Smoke from hell poured off the float and then.....the back. I could hear...that is pretty fricken cool mom. I closed my eyes and said it sure is Jared. This class worked hard each year and every year had been disqualified. Last year Jared was so upset over the call...this year.....that kid was not going to let it even be a close call. An Angel from above helped insure a win for the class....his class. Well that was sealed when they float won. I was so proud of the kids.
I met up with Kelsey, who I had tried to stay away from because I had a surprise for her that was getting harder and harder to keep. I didn't want to spoil it but IT WAS HARD! Little did we realize she was sitting 3 rows behind us. LOL Kelsey came down and we hugged and began to talk. She was upset because they had announced that it was child cancer awareness month and she said they should announce it is suicide prevention month too. Sitting in front of us was the guidance counselor and she turned to Kelsey and said, go tell them. They will announce it. After some support and encouragement, she marched up there and let them know it. A friend who lost her husband, a former soccer coach to Jared, to suicide a little more than a year ago, had come to hug me and talk for a moment and then the announcement came. Well it was a little more than what I expected. She had also told them that I was there and for people to stop and say hello to me. I hugged many friends and parents. Some people said I thought that was you....LOL. After shared tears between my survivor friend and I we continued to watch the game.
During the second half I ended up down by the float, can't remember why now, but then some other parents said well this panel is their Junior year on the other side. Sure enough the men took it off and there it was....his signature just before we moved to St. Croix. Parents promised that none of them would be destroyed and one they would each be hung up in barns of parents. The game ended and we all headed to get some rest because tomorrow we would be a big day.
It is WALK DAY. It was a drizzly day and like other days I gave him orders for him and the other Angels were to help stop the rain and give good conditions for the walk. It was beautiful. Photos were placed on the wall that we brought. I wrote a message to him and Dan on the wall. Then off to the registration desk to check in. The whirlwind then began. We got beads that were color coded with significance by those who were lost. I wore Blue for supporter/survivor, White for loss of child, Red for loss of spouse/partner (ex), and purple for loss of friend. It was then that I realized this is too Damn many lost. We then continued on and looked at silent auction items and came to the tree....a beautiful large canvas that was a leafless tree that we added leaves to. We wrote messages on leaves and they hot glued them to the tree. I wrote to Dan and Jared....together a father and son in Heaven.
It is now time for the surprises....I was asked to give my story...well that is what Kelsey thought. While my story is very much her story too. See my story began with June 14th turning from a day of tragedy into a day that a friendship was developing between two women that Jared wanted to meet but hadn't yet had the opportunity to do so. I told of how we had three services in three geographical areas. I told of how a young lady had sold bracelets, organized a soccer game and then one night within a couple of days of me returning to St. Croix had created a team to walk in Nashville. After thorough research of the charity I gave permission to move forward with Jared's Keepers. I told of her tenacity and "won't take no" attitude. I told of how she, single handedly, has been able to tear down barriers and will now get the More Than Sad program in to HHS. I told of how she handed out ribbons and cards with life savors on them for prevention week. And then.....I asked her to join me on stage. I told how out of the name of our team and Kelsey's determination to help stop suicide, a Foundation was formed. It was only natural to call it the same. And foundations have officers and that I felt she needed to be a significant part of that foundation and with the blessing of her parents she was being named as the Director of Student Outreach for Jared's Keepers Foundation. She was shocked. With nearly 60 walkers present we were asked to lead the walk and we gladly accepted. The ceremony continued and we blew bubbles as they played music. I cried but managed to hold it together. They then had a prayer and the female minister began by acknowledging me as a strong woman she admired because she lost her son 13 years ago and it is still very raw. That is when I lost it. Melanie reached out and held me and another sweet friend was touching my shoulder. I heard Jared say to me, Mom you deserve for the world to know how good you have always been to me. I love you. Well I lost it worse. Pull it together was the only thing I could think of. It is time to walk. We quickly posed for a photo with our group and then we took off. 2.2 miles later after enjoying the peaceful sounds of Historic Music Row, we headed down for pizza and fellowship.
I visited with friends who made the day special for me. I had a high school classmate and his wife drive 6 hours to walk with us. I enjoyed catching up with them.
After the events we came back and a quick nap was had by all. Then it was off for a little shopping Mel had to get done. Back to the house and ready for a trip to St. Louis to watch the Cardinal game.
Early Sunday we were all up and running. 7 of us drove from Tennessee to St. Louis. We met up with a childhood friend who lives in St. Louis and my high school band director and the school librarian met us there. My former band director had been the one that coordinated the tickets. I knew she asked for them to recognize us on the score board but a "in memory of Jared Martin" appeared and then we had a "Cardinals Welcomes Jared's Keepers" not just once.....MANY times! It was amazing and to watch Kelsey light up was all worth it. The kids got to go to the Arch and get pictures.
This has been such a healing trip for me. I feel close to Jared and I know he is here with these kids. I wish I could see his beautiful face and hear his laugh in real life but I hear it in spirit all the time. Life has much more in store for me and I know Jared has much more for me to accomplish before I go to heaven. But I do hope that he will visit one day soon and tell me all about it and what it looks like and what all he has been doing.....like he always did.
Thursday Melanie and I got up and began running like a couple of teenage girls who just got their drivers license. We stopped by the high school so I could talk with the principal. I wanted to talk to him and thank him personally for being supportive of Kelsey. I shared surprises that were about to take place with him and he was impressed and became a bigger supporter of the cause. After tears and hugs with two of the kids who saw me in the office we were off and running. Shopping for the new Fur Baby coming home mostly and some shopping she needed to do as well. We had lunch together and then a stealth like arrival at the girls soccer game. I left the stands during the first half to talk to some friends running the score board. Half-time! Here comes the girls to the goal near us. Double looks shot my way and then tears began to fall......not mine.....theirs. I feared I had just messed with their game but I had no idea what was to come. The second half was AWESOME. Those girls played so hard. They won 3-2 over a team who did not make it easy. In fact they tried every dirty, but legal, tactic to keep them from the win. After the game and the coaches talk, here they came one by one. Each the same, tears, hugs, apology for being stinky and sweaty, and I Love You Miss Debbie's.....can't get enough of those (even the stinky sweaty hugs). After the game I kept hearing the parents say that was the best they have played all year. Well, they had an Angel coaching them from above. As I cuddled under the covers I began to get messages from the girls. Many said they were sorry they didn't talk more but they didn't want to cry in front of me and upset me. 2 girls said they played so hard the second half for me and for Jared. While that is sweet, it clearly was more for Jared, I was just a physical reminder of the determination he kept reminding them of. Jared had served as their assistant in Middle School and was always there to help train their keeper.
We made our way from the field out to the senior float building location. While I was invited out to surprise the class, I was the one surprised. I had gotten a couple of text messages while sitting in the Miami airport of the "senior" sign on the float. They had included Jared with "fly high Jared" written in balloon letters. So there I am looking at this amazing float they had built and with a deep breath to the back I went with a friend who didn't realize they had done that. While looking at another sign that said 2015 I saw a student that left to do online schooling. I said, "Oh I didn't know he was back this year". Lisa said, "he isn't this is from their Freshman year they keep reusing it." I am sure my face was the look of shock. What?! Sure enough....there he was. His signature right there. Tears fell and I couldn't stop them. I spent some time talking with the kids and we all headed home to get some rest.
Friday was Homecoming. Again we were off and running to prepare items that we needed to get for the kids. More shopping for Zoe the new Fur-Baby. Then it is time for the parade. I did well until....yes....the senior float came down the road. The theme was Greek Gods and the Seniors got Hades. The back float with flames surrounding it and a moving devil with evil black creatures with lit up red eyes came out of hell to deliver a defeat to the other team. Smoke from hell poured off the float and then.....the back. I could hear...that is pretty fricken cool mom. I closed my eyes and said it sure is Jared. This class worked hard each year and every year had been disqualified. Last year Jared was so upset over the call...this year.....that kid was not going to let it even be a close call. An Angel from above helped insure a win for the class....his class. Well that was sealed when they float won. I was so proud of the kids.
I met up with Kelsey, who I had tried to stay away from because I had a surprise for her that was getting harder and harder to keep. I didn't want to spoil it but IT WAS HARD! Little did we realize she was sitting 3 rows behind us. LOL Kelsey came down and we hugged and began to talk. She was upset because they had announced that it was child cancer awareness month and she said they should announce it is suicide prevention month too. Sitting in front of us was the guidance counselor and she turned to Kelsey and said, go tell them. They will announce it. After some support and encouragement, she marched up there and let them know it. A friend who lost her husband, a former soccer coach to Jared, to suicide a little more than a year ago, had come to hug me and talk for a moment and then the announcement came. Well it was a little more than what I expected. She had also told them that I was there and for people to stop and say hello to me. I hugged many friends and parents. Some people said I thought that was you....LOL. After shared tears between my survivor friend and I we continued to watch the game.
During the second half I ended up down by the float, can't remember why now, but then some other parents said well this panel is their Junior year on the other side. Sure enough the men took it off and there it was....his signature just before we moved to St. Croix. Parents promised that none of them would be destroyed and one they would each be hung up in barns of parents. The game ended and we all headed to get some rest because tomorrow we would be a big day.
It is WALK DAY. It was a drizzly day and like other days I gave him orders for him and the other Angels were to help stop the rain and give good conditions for the walk. It was beautiful. Photos were placed on the wall that we brought. I wrote a message to him and Dan on the wall. Then off to the registration desk to check in. The whirlwind then began. We got beads that were color coded with significance by those who were lost. I wore Blue for supporter/survivor, White for loss of child, Red for loss of spouse/partner (ex), and purple for loss of friend. It was then that I realized this is too Damn many lost. We then continued on and looked at silent auction items and came to the tree....a beautiful large canvas that was a leafless tree that we added leaves to. We wrote messages on leaves and they hot glued them to the tree. I wrote to Dan and Jared....together a father and son in Heaven.
It is now time for the surprises....I was asked to give my story...well that is what Kelsey thought. While my story is very much her story too. See my story began with June 14th turning from a day of tragedy into a day that a friendship was developing between two women that Jared wanted to meet but hadn't yet had the opportunity to do so. I told of how we had three services in three geographical areas. I told of how a young lady had sold bracelets, organized a soccer game and then one night within a couple of days of me returning to St. Croix had created a team to walk in Nashville. After thorough research of the charity I gave permission to move forward with Jared's Keepers. I told of her tenacity and "won't take no" attitude. I told of how she, single handedly, has been able to tear down barriers and will now get the More Than Sad program in to HHS. I told of how she handed out ribbons and cards with life savors on them for prevention week. And then.....I asked her to join me on stage. I told how out of the name of our team and Kelsey's determination to help stop suicide, a Foundation was formed. It was only natural to call it the same. And foundations have officers and that I felt she needed to be a significant part of that foundation and with the blessing of her parents she was being named as the Director of Student Outreach for Jared's Keepers Foundation. She was shocked. With nearly 60 walkers present we were asked to lead the walk and we gladly accepted. The ceremony continued and we blew bubbles as they played music. I cried but managed to hold it together. They then had a prayer and the female minister began by acknowledging me as a strong woman she admired because she lost her son 13 years ago and it is still very raw. That is when I lost it. Melanie reached out and held me and another sweet friend was touching my shoulder. I heard Jared say to me, Mom you deserve for the world to know how good you have always been to me. I love you. Well I lost it worse. Pull it together was the only thing I could think of. It is time to walk. We quickly posed for a photo with our group and then we took off. 2.2 miles later after enjoying the peaceful sounds of Historic Music Row, we headed down for pizza and fellowship.
I visited with friends who made the day special for me. I had a high school classmate and his wife drive 6 hours to walk with us. I enjoyed catching up with them.
After the events we came back and a quick nap was had by all. Then it was off for a little shopping Mel had to get done. Back to the house and ready for a trip to St. Louis to watch the Cardinal game.
Early Sunday we were all up and running. 7 of us drove from Tennessee to St. Louis. We met up with a childhood friend who lives in St. Louis and my high school band director and the school librarian met us there. My former band director had been the one that coordinated the tickets. I knew she asked for them to recognize us on the score board but a "in memory of Jared Martin" appeared and then we had a "Cardinals Welcomes Jared's Keepers" not just once.....MANY times! It was amazing and to watch Kelsey light up was all worth it. The kids got to go to the Arch and get pictures.
This has been such a healing trip for me. I feel close to Jared and I know he is here with these kids. I wish I could see his beautiful face and hear his laugh in real life but I hear it in spirit all the time. Life has much more in store for me and I know Jared has much more for me to accomplish before I go to heaven. But I do hope that he will visit one day soon and tell me all about it and what it looks like and what all he has been doing.....like he always did.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Tomorrow I Fly
Tomorrow, World Suicide Prevention Day, I fly to Nashville, TN to begin my jammed pack time with friends. I will be attending an event for the Music City American Foundation for Suicide Prevention on Thursday evening, Friday I will celebrate Homecoming with Harpeth High School, Saturday WE WALK, and Sunday we celebrate the St. Louis Cardinals at Bush Stadium. Who knows what Mon-Wed will have in store yet. Thursday I will return home, where I begin to prepare for Jared's High School here on island to recognize Suicide Prevention Week. I am not sure what all I will be doing yet but I will be involved.
This will be the first time I have not flown with Jared in years. Even for his services in June/July he was physically with us. Now tomorrow, I am solo. I can't say alone because that simply isn't true. It is solo. Yet, I am OK with that. Not sure why but I am. Maybe because he will be there with me. He is working miracles every day. I have seen 30 new likes on our Facebook page today, and increase in following on Instagram and Twitter today. Donations of almost $500 today alone came into the AFSP site, and and increase in people signing up to walk with us. I know that things will be emotionally healing for me when I am in Tennessee.
I have had a headache all day, I put it off to mowing the yard and just having allergies....but that isn't it. Today I didn't talk to Jared while mowing, I was focused on mental checklists for traveling. I probably need to have an all out break down cry fest and release pressure. But, it will come when it is supposed to.
The last time I flew solo was in 1988 from St. Louis to Sydney, Australia. I had the honor of performing in the Opening Ceremony of the World's Fair. It also was my Freshman year of college and an empowering experience. I didn't know anyone who would be traveling so, make new friends it is. While those friendships have faded...probably because we didn't have Facebook then, the experiences have not. We all grew up, went to college, and began families/lives outside of high school.
Well tomorrow I feel much of that will happen again. I will have life experiences. I will see many seniors I have watched grow since they were 3 years old, and at the end of the year they too will travel off to college, military or other and I may or may not be able to keep up with them. I will watch them begin families and some raise children they have already had, and think....what if? But all the while I will be happy for them. Praying for them to have all the best life could possibly give to them.
I often told Jared that if he wasn't really sure what he wanted to do he should get a job on a cruise ship. He loved to cruise, travel the World, and get paid at the same time. I would tell any young person the same. Get out experience life....then settle down. There is plenty of time for life to happen.
I hope you all take a moment tomorrow to light a candle or remember someone you have lost to suicide. If you struggle yourself, remember to ask for help and YOU ARE A KEEPER!
This will be the first time I have not flown with Jared in years. Even for his services in June/July he was physically with us. Now tomorrow, I am solo. I can't say alone because that simply isn't true. It is solo. Yet, I am OK with that. Not sure why but I am. Maybe because he will be there with me. He is working miracles every day. I have seen 30 new likes on our Facebook page today, and increase in following on Instagram and Twitter today. Donations of almost $500 today alone came into the AFSP site, and and increase in people signing up to walk with us. I know that things will be emotionally healing for me when I am in Tennessee.
I have had a headache all day, I put it off to mowing the yard and just having allergies....but that isn't it. Today I didn't talk to Jared while mowing, I was focused on mental checklists for traveling. I probably need to have an all out break down cry fest and release pressure. But, it will come when it is supposed to.
The last time I flew solo was in 1988 from St. Louis to Sydney, Australia. I had the honor of performing in the Opening Ceremony of the World's Fair. It also was my Freshman year of college and an empowering experience. I didn't know anyone who would be traveling so, make new friends it is. While those friendships have faded...probably because we didn't have Facebook then, the experiences have not. We all grew up, went to college, and began families/lives outside of high school.
Well tomorrow I feel much of that will happen again. I will have life experiences. I will see many seniors I have watched grow since they were 3 years old, and at the end of the year they too will travel off to college, military or other and I may or may not be able to keep up with them. I will watch them begin families and some raise children they have already had, and think....what if? But all the while I will be happy for them. Praying for them to have all the best life could possibly give to them.
I often told Jared that if he wasn't really sure what he wanted to do he should get a job on a cruise ship. He loved to cruise, travel the World, and get paid at the same time. I would tell any young person the same. Get out experience life....then settle down. There is plenty of time for life to happen.
I hope you all take a moment tomorrow to light a candle or remember someone you have lost to suicide. If you struggle yourself, remember to ask for help and YOU ARE A KEEPER!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Bilblical Revelation
Remember when you were a child, if you can't think of a small child you know, think of how innocent you were. How whatever you were told was truth. Remember that? I do. See when I was a child my father was Catholic. Not a practicing Catholic, except when it suited him, but Catholic nonetheless. My mother was raised Baptist. As a young child I remember spending the night with my grandparents and going to church but not having any church clothes so Grandma took the Raggedy Ann dress off the doll and put me in it....tell you how small I was? I remember hiding under the pew the back row near the isle where they always sat. That was fine until it was time for Children's Service where we all had to go to the front pew and sit. I was humiliated! But I survived....I survived. Well I was told that God didn't care what we wore to church as long as we listened
.
When I was in Junior High my Grandfather had a stroke. It completely took his Independence from him. My Uncle who owned much land in town was able to move my grandparents into town in a trailer that was adjacent to his property and ours. That way we could all be there to care for my Grandfather when needed. For the next several years I cleaned my grandparents house each weekend and assisted my grandfather whenever needed. I remember one Sunday the preacher came to visit as he did every Sunday since my grandparents couldn't attend church, in response to my grandparents feeling guilty for not being in service, God listens to you no matter where you are. WHAT? I don't have to be in church for him to listen? The minister turned and said...come sit with us....he said, God doesn't care what we wear, how much money we have, or even what car we drive. He DOES care if we trust him and believe in him. What a revelation! After all, I had been placed in a Catholic School for part of a year at my Dad's request and I hated every minute...why? Because I had to wear a dress! Tom-boys don't wear dresses. So I am now being told God listens to me if I am in the yard....HOLY COW....watch what you say.
As I grew through high school and off to college I then met Jared's Dad and was engaged. My brother and sister-in-law were pregnant with their 4th child and had announced to us that "you sister-in-law is pregnant". I had a look of horror on my face. Why? I thought she had been fixed after the 3rd....I said by who? They both laughed and even today we have a good laugh about that. On January 2, 1994 I had been to visit my family and returned home with Jared's Dad (yes we lived in sin) and got the call that after leaving Grandpa had to go to the hospital. He had passed away shortly after my grandmother asked if he was in pain and he said not any more. My grandmother said he just waited until he seen me. That was a lot for someone to carry. Especially being a young adult at the time. But somehow it was comforting.
My nephew was born in the May and was he ever a bundle of joy. Dan and I would babysit the 4 kids and got our first taste of what is was like to drive a fussy infant around at 2 AM! Well, it was something I hold dear to my heart getting to have a special relationship with all of them. The following year, my nephew had an accident and rolled off a bed, but unlike others he didn't recover. He had to be on breathing treatments most of his life. With his medical history, looking back, he was a pretty tough cookie. Unfortunately, it was just too much. I remember being at my brothers house the night we all came from the hospital. I would say about 8 PM that night a van pulled up and out came a group of Amish that had hired a Mennonite driver to drive them to where my brother lived. TO HIS HOUSE 2.5 HOURS AWAY. Now they had no idea where he lived. They had no idea of what had happened to my nephew. When they all came to the kitchen with the most delicious smelling food you will ever smell...they said we knew something was wrong and we had to come. Rusty, my brother who delivered feed to the Amish, wasn't on his route....something was wrong. But how did you know where he lived? We asked God to guide us and he did. I let this go at the time but have thought about it many times since.
My brother once said, Gramp sits next to me in the truck a lot and we talk. Ok...my brother has done has his butter slip off his noodle. That isn't possible.
Flash forward several years to Jared is now 2 going on 3 and I am in the middle of a nasty marathon of a divorce and I am praying like never before. God, I need someone to help me through this. I need someone who will support me and give me strength on earth. Poof....I meet Rich. A year later Rich is offered a job in Nashville and I again pray for help. God you brought him into my life now if it is your will please grant my divorce, after all it is now 3 years worth of divorcing, and let the judge allow Jared to move. Poof...granted. To everyone's surprise I was awarded SOLE custody and granted permission to remove the child to Tennessee. Yes that is called Case Law. The first ever in Illinois history the child could be removed at the time of the divorce.
I have always known God was there. After all when I was the weakest he certainly carried me. Now I have to say I have never been weaker in my life. I can honestly tell you there is only but one set of prints in the sand and they don't belong to me. I have learned that if I listen with my heart and sole I hear a great deal more than I can with my ears. I hear pure, honest, and healing words.
I hear God and Jared talk to me A LOT. In fact tonight Rich and I shared much more than what I am sharing with you tonight. I hope that in a few months to share it all with you but now is not quite the time. I have listened to God and Jared guiding me every step of the way on the foundation, who to reach out to, and much more.
This week I will travel to Tennessee and stay with friends and visit many more friends. I look forward to bonding with some special teens and their parents. I travel on September 10th...World Suicide Prevention Day and the 4th anniversary of Dan dying by suicide. You see I didn't know it was WSPD and I didn't realize the date until after it was booked. Ironic I think. I will walk on September 13th in the Music City Suicide Prevention Walk....3 months to the day of the last day I spent with Jared. On this day over 60 people will walk for him and others we have lost to suicide. On the 14th we will attend a St. Louis Cardinal Game...his favorite team. I will wear one of his jerseys to the game. And, yes that will be 3 months to the day of his death.
I found out last week that I will be traveling from St. Croix to Miami with a girl from here that is returning home. She is struggling for many reasons but I believe, from what I have seen and heard, she is battling a demon. At first I was like....great, just my luck! But over the last couple of days, I have had a different feeling. Like maybe she was put on there so we could talk for the 3 hour trip to Miami and maybe I can get through to her to reach out for help when she arrives home.
When I return Rich and I will be adopting a Long Haired Chihuahua from the animal shelter her on island. A baby girl who is so cute!
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When I was in Junior High my Grandfather had a stroke. It completely took his Independence from him. My Uncle who owned much land in town was able to move my grandparents into town in a trailer that was adjacent to his property and ours. That way we could all be there to care for my Grandfather when needed. For the next several years I cleaned my grandparents house each weekend and assisted my grandfather whenever needed. I remember one Sunday the preacher came to visit as he did every Sunday since my grandparents couldn't attend church, in response to my grandparents feeling guilty for not being in service, God listens to you no matter where you are. WHAT? I don't have to be in church for him to listen? The minister turned and said...come sit with us....he said, God doesn't care what we wear, how much money we have, or even what car we drive. He DOES care if we trust him and believe in him. What a revelation! After all, I had been placed in a Catholic School for part of a year at my Dad's request and I hated every minute...why? Because I had to wear a dress! Tom-boys don't wear dresses. So I am now being told God listens to me if I am in the yard....HOLY COW....watch what you say.
As I grew through high school and off to college I then met Jared's Dad and was engaged. My brother and sister-in-law were pregnant with their 4th child and had announced to us that "you sister-in-law is pregnant". I had a look of horror on my face. Why? I thought she had been fixed after the 3rd....I said by who? They both laughed and even today we have a good laugh about that. On January 2, 1994 I had been to visit my family and returned home with Jared's Dad (yes we lived in sin) and got the call that after leaving Grandpa had to go to the hospital. He had passed away shortly after my grandmother asked if he was in pain and he said not any more. My grandmother said he just waited until he seen me. That was a lot for someone to carry. Especially being a young adult at the time. But somehow it was comforting.
My nephew was born in the May and was he ever a bundle of joy. Dan and I would babysit the 4 kids and got our first taste of what is was like to drive a fussy infant around at 2 AM! Well, it was something I hold dear to my heart getting to have a special relationship with all of them. The following year, my nephew had an accident and rolled off a bed, but unlike others he didn't recover. He had to be on breathing treatments most of his life. With his medical history, looking back, he was a pretty tough cookie. Unfortunately, it was just too much. I remember being at my brothers house the night we all came from the hospital. I would say about 8 PM that night a van pulled up and out came a group of Amish that had hired a Mennonite driver to drive them to where my brother lived. TO HIS HOUSE 2.5 HOURS AWAY. Now they had no idea where he lived. They had no idea of what had happened to my nephew. When they all came to the kitchen with the most delicious smelling food you will ever smell...they said we knew something was wrong and we had to come. Rusty, my brother who delivered feed to the Amish, wasn't on his route....something was wrong. But how did you know where he lived? We asked God to guide us and he did. I let this go at the time but have thought about it many times since.
My brother once said, Gramp sits next to me in the truck a lot and we talk. Ok...my brother has done has his butter slip off his noodle. That isn't possible.
Flash forward several years to Jared is now 2 going on 3 and I am in the middle of a nasty marathon of a divorce and I am praying like never before. God, I need someone to help me through this. I need someone who will support me and give me strength on earth. Poof....I meet Rich. A year later Rich is offered a job in Nashville and I again pray for help. God you brought him into my life now if it is your will please grant my divorce, after all it is now 3 years worth of divorcing, and let the judge allow Jared to move. Poof...granted. To everyone's surprise I was awarded SOLE custody and granted permission to remove the child to Tennessee. Yes that is called Case Law. The first ever in Illinois history the child could be removed at the time of the divorce.
I have always known God was there. After all when I was the weakest he certainly carried me. Now I have to say I have never been weaker in my life. I can honestly tell you there is only but one set of prints in the sand and they don't belong to me. I have learned that if I listen with my heart and sole I hear a great deal more than I can with my ears. I hear pure, honest, and healing words.
I hear God and Jared talk to me A LOT. In fact tonight Rich and I shared much more than what I am sharing with you tonight. I hope that in a few months to share it all with you but now is not quite the time. I have listened to God and Jared guiding me every step of the way on the foundation, who to reach out to, and much more.
This week I will travel to Tennessee and stay with friends and visit many more friends. I look forward to bonding with some special teens and their parents. I travel on September 10th...World Suicide Prevention Day and the 4th anniversary of Dan dying by suicide. You see I didn't know it was WSPD and I didn't realize the date until after it was booked. Ironic I think. I will walk on September 13th in the Music City Suicide Prevention Walk....3 months to the day of the last day I spent with Jared. On this day over 60 people will walk for him and others we have lost to suicide. On the 14th we will attend a St. Louis Cardinal Game...his favorite team. I will wear one of his jerseys to the game. And, yes that will be 3 months to the day of his death.
I found out last week that I will be traveling from St. Croix to Miami with a girl from here that is returning home. She is struggling for many reasons but I believe, from what I have seen and heard, she is battling a demon. At first I was like....great, just my luck! But over the last couple of days, I have had a different feeling. Like maybe she was put on there so we could talk for the 3 hour trip to Miami and maybe I can get through to her to reach out for help when she arrives home.
When I return Rich and I will be adopting a Long Haired Chihuahua from the animal shelter her on island. A baby girl who is so cute!
Over the past week I have been talking to God a great deal. Wanting him to give me signs he has Jared and taking good care of him. Well....on Friday I got that sign. It was a "chance" thing that Heaven Is For Real was on sale for e-books. Jared was given a gift card for Christmas and although I had been told I could redeem it online, I couldn't get it to work. Then I saw this ad that said it was on sale for 2.99! I had planned on buying the DVD with it in the states. In fact it was already packed and ready to travel. I quickly ran to get the card and said a prayer. A little bit later, there it was on my nook app for Android. HOLY COW! Well last night I began to read the book. I am not a reader and never have been...but I read and read and read. Until I fell asleep that is. Then this morning I finished the final two chapters. Then it referenced a CNN article and yes I went to check it out too! It was the sign I asked God to give me. Remember I told you in earlier posts about miscarrying before Jared? Well, I know Jared is in Heaven with his full siblings and when I get there I will meet them too. I will then find out if they were girls or boys.
What amazed me is the book I told you my friend wrote called Payment for Passage talked about many things Heaven is For Real talked about and they were written about the same time. Identical messages, different states, different reasons......SAME MESSAGE! I know Jared is in Heaven and he has feet...you will understand after you read both books.
What about my Rock you are wondering? He is dealing with things his own way. He is a typical man and doesn't like to discuss things until I pull them out of him. He doesn't want me to hurt but he is learning that is just life for me now. He also has learned I like to talk about Jared it makes things better for me. I think it is helping him to work through things too. I know the puppy was a hard decision. See Rich had to bury Poco a week after Jared passed. How emotional that must have been. Why would he want to take a chance on ever having to do that again? Well? I think he realized because we both are ready for a little noise and distraction to life. Besides....who can resist those beautiful eyes.
I don't expect to blog until I return but I might. Remember God is SOOOO Very Good.
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