I Would Die For You

What a romantic notion that you would love someone so much you would die top save them. Our military know there is a chance they could lose their life for a cause they believe in.
Our emergency service workers know the risk they take each day.
But what about you?   With the wonderful developments of the past couple of days, I have really been thinking about this topic. I see comments about suicide and how those who die by suicide are weak or they are taking the easy way out or how they made their bed they should lie in it. Well I can't bring myself to be angry at those comments. In fact I once shared some of those thoughts but I was uneducated,  ignorant on the topic. Here is some truth about suicide that many people don't think about. Did you know most intentional suicides are in fact to protect those they love?  Don't feel bad if you didn't know that most people don't. Those that die by suicide are in such pain they want it to stop and they don't want pain to be inflicted on their loved ones. Unfortunately,  They don't think far enough past the short term to realize the eternal pain brought on by suicide. So they die for you,  and me.  
Jared died to protect me from pain that was getting ready to take place and he simply want equipped to know how to divert that pain from happening.   I feel a ton of guilt about that every day. I know I did all I could for him but I feel it should have, could have been more.   My job was to make sure he wasn't in pain.   He was protecting me!  I recently spoke to someone who said they struggle with guilt from their days in the military. A buddy died because he was protecting him.   He had carried this guilt for years.   That is when it really clicked with me why I have been having extreme grief attacks lately.   It is guilt creeping in.  
Yesterday was such am amazing day for me to watch take place.   Young adults took to the Tennessee State Capitol and made legislators listen. With grace,  professionalism,  and maturity they got the attention on a wonderful senator who had asked them to help him write legislation for the next session.  
I know Jared and many others had a hand in yesterdays events.   I know there are hundreds of young Angels who are cheering and celebrating in heaven because these teens are talking about the taboo subject of suicide.  
I challenged those students in June of 2014 to help me stop suicide and they took that seriously.   No one likes talking about suicide,  myself included,  but I will talk about it continuously until we can remove the word from the dictionary because it is no longer needed.  

Keepers

Tomorrow our Keepers from Harpeth High School head to the Tennessee State Capitol to talk with whatever law makers will listen to them about suicide prevention.  They have the focus of prevention with teens.  There have been so many obstacles placed in the path of these young adults and yet, together we have moved each one.  One of the things I really thought about today was how, with all that has been placed in front of them, they NEVER gave up!  They even are the ones saying, things will be great tomorrow and we will make them listen.  I don't doubt that.

I want to thank Tennessee Senator Kerry Roberts and his wife Dianne for reaching out and giving the Keepers special time with him tomorrow.

The other night a friend of mine sent me a video of her small child chanting: go momma go momma go momma go.  He chanted over and over.  She said she believes this is what Jared was saying to me in heaven.  I have to agree.  I think, as he always did, momma I need you to fix this, he fixed all the road blocks placed in front of us.
I belong to a private group on Facebook who are Mothers that have lost a child.  Most of them to suicide but all with a loss of child.  Tonight a post came across of a mother screaming, what I scream so often, I WANT MY BABY BACK!  Oh how I want my baby back.  I also have to remember at those times, he is right here beside me.  He is so near to me all the time.  In fact I feel his hugs and touches many times.

To say the past few days have been a roller coaster is an understatement but for completely different reasons than I usually sit on this unwanted ride.

I am having to evaluate many things right now.  I will share those as time goes by.

All is good with Rich and I and we are making more time for things that can be shared together, if even just dinner at a new location.  Sometimes you have a choice when tragedy strikes, pull tight to those who love you most, or isolate yourself and push them away.  I knew my choice in the beginning and made sure I did not push him away.

Zoe is being a normal puppy and pushing all the boundaries she can.  She also brings lots of smiles and laughter to this house that is much needed.

I hope you all have a very blessed day.

"A Good Day For A Heart To Heart"

Today I stopped and bought a paper and as I flipped through it I read my Horoscope.  I don't read them often and when I do it is at the end or even the day after to see if anything in it came true.  Today part of it said it was a great day to have a heart to heart with someone.  So I decided to share my heart to heart with Jared, with all of you.  I have heart to hearts with him almost daily.  I can tell him anything and I know it is safe.  I know he won't judge me and I also know that when possible, he will guide me what to do when I need it.

These past couple of weeks have been trying for me.  For multiple reasons but I needed some divine intervention.  I lifted my requests in prayer and talked to Jared and by Friday, my path was being cleared for me to see where my focus needed to be.  I was notified mid week that the Keeper Club at Harpeth had been granted excused absences to attend Suicide Prevention Day at the Tennessee State Capitol.  It was a HUGE accomplishment from a school district who has chosen until now, to bury their heads and act like nothing happened when they lost a student to suicide.  I cried happy tears knowing that Jared was still making people talk about him and helping others.  Friday I got a message from a young lady who is working on a yearbook page for him here on island.  She asked me to gather some photos.  The focus of their tribute is he not only touched people while on earth, he is still touching people and we have turned this tragedy into something positive.

My son, believe me or not, does communicate.  Loud and clearly if I just listen.  See when I asked him to help guide me this week he also pointed me back to an email that I had gotten some weeks ago.  It was asking me to come talk to a College in East Tennessee.  That made me think of another speaking engagement request and so I reached back out to them.  Then realizing that maybe we could reach a few others while doing all of this.  Let's plan a week and make a circuit so it is affordable.  I started sending out emails and they are starting to come back in.  Let's make this happen, he says to me.

I also shared with Jared in my heart to heart this week, I really want to move back to Tennessee.  He guided me to talk to Rich about it and see if it were best for us.  Jared and I have continued to talk throughout the week about this.  I feel a desire to return there but I also feel him telling me it isn't quite time.  Why isn't it time?  What does that mean?  I don't know but he does enjoy keeping secrets like that from me and he always has.  You were never going to find out what gift you were getting because he was tight lipped about things like that.  He has also given me some signs, I am not yet ready to share, about something else in my life.  Signs I am watching closely.  I have shared them with a few people and just when I start to dismiss them, I am flooded with them again.  I have begged him to share with me and fully disclose the meanings, but I get it is not time yet mom.   AAARRRRGGGGG really?

I have also shared some other things with Jared lately.  Things like how I get so hurt by people casting judgement on others for reaching out for mental health treatments.  How the media and TV think it funny to use suicide references to get a laugh.  How I am so tired of the stigma that comes with suicide and it is like dropping a four letter word in church!  I was then compelled to begin work on the 2015 campaign.....STOP THE STIGMA!  After Wednesday I will ask the kids to help me push this out and hopefully will get it to go viral.

Good things are happening.  I just have to be patient....not good at that sometimes.  I have also reevaluated life a lot.  See a few weeks ago I begged God to give me my son back.  HE is the only one that can do that.  What I have been brought to acknowledge is I HAVE my son.  He is just in a different capacity now than before.  He speaks to me differently, but he speaks loud and clear.  I feel his presence and his hugs when needed.  Like the night a few nights ago when I had a complete break down.  I begged God to Give me my boy back dammit!  I just want my boy back, I begged.  Then I asked if you won't give him back take me please.  To which I could hear Jared say, out loud, say, Mom it isn't your turn.

This ties back into the signs I can't yet share with you but I am told to be patient.

Well, it isn't my turn.  Don't know when that will be.  I have things to do, messages to get out, and lives to hopefully save.