Surviving Christmas

Moments of joy, sorrow, despair, heartache, hyperventilation, and even anger was a part of Christmas.  Most of all was a strong presence of Jared with me.  I had a moment in the morning where I returned to the bedroom before my shower and just cried.  I felt his arm around me and heard him talking to me comforting me.  Mom, I am right here with you today I would not miss Christmas with you.  I know it was Jared because there was a weight to the touch and a temperature change around it.  I cried more that he WAS there.  I was able to pull myself together and later went to my sister-in-laws for the evening.  She and her husband had purchased a beautiful white candle and beautiful holder with tiny rocks in it.  It was so Jared.  As soon as I saw it I had to find an alone spot.  I retreated to the basement for what became a grief attack.
As a weeped and had a paper towel over my eyes, because that was what I could find in the dark, I could see Jared and bright colorful lights behind him.  I don't even know the words to describe what I witnessed.  It was breathtaking, literally!  It typical Jared fashion, he turned the tables on me.  Mom stop this right now, you are stronger than this.  You know I am right here with you, and I could feel him there....that touch again.  Temperature change again.  He told me if I didn't stop crying he was going to call Rich to come comfort me.   Within moments Rich appeared.  I just wanted to melt...but I didn't want to take my eyes off Jared.  He was beautiful and perfect, tan and physically fit as ever.  He told me he is ok....and about that time a second image appeared.  It was his Dad.  His Dad said, it is ok, I have him and he is fine.  We are having time together like you hoped we are.  About that time along came Poco and jumped into Jared's arms.  Jared said, it is ok Mom, go enjoy the rest of the night and I will be right here.
Somehow this moment gave me strength.  As we ate dinner and opened gifts I saw him there, heard his laughter and could see him shaking his head and snickering.
I look forward to the day I reunite with him, and all the loved ones that have gone before me.  I look forward to meeting those I never knew.
I continue to listen with my heart and soul and listen for direction.
I pray I never close off to spirit encounters.

I pray you are or become open to spiritual encounters of your own.

Holiday Travel With Zoe

I decided to grieve with humor tonight.  I hope you enjoy today's adventures seen through the eyes of a 5 month old puppy.

Well today was crazy!  First Dad comes in and turns on the lights and hollers while I am sleeping wanting to know why I am still sleeping.  Well that is because Dad set the rule I must be quiet until the sun comes up.  I have to say, I was regretting the early morning events the past few days.  So I tried to gather my thoughts as Mom was up too and she wanted to take me out so I could, let's just say, water the lawn.  So business is now taken care of and back in the house it is.  No breakfast for me.  But I don't really care.  I knew something was up because these things they call suitcases were out.  I has seen them a couple weeks ago with these people I now know as Granny and Papa came to visit.  These things carried their clothes and stuff. Mom has been putting stuff in them for a couple of days now.  This morning she even put my blanket and Zebra I sleep with in one.  My adventures continued as our friend Bob came and we put those suitcases in his truck and we got in.  OH BOY, I thought, I smell Cash my Pit Bull friend.  I thought we were going to see him.  But nope....he took us to this place Dad calls an airport.  This lady took those things mom put our clothes in and I thought we would never see them again.  Then we went through this thing called Customs and it was quick according to Dad.  If he says so.  Then it was to Security.  Mom carried me through and she had to take her shoes off.  She was wearing my favorite pair of tennis shoes that I like to chew on the strings.  Then my Zebra had to go through this tunnel thing with a belt.  I thought it might have eaten my Zebra but nope....he he came.....whew!  Once we got all our stuff together we sat forever!  Like longer than forever.  But little kids and older ladies LOVE me.  I was adored by all.  Then Dad got frustrated and began to complain and Mom told him it would all be ok.  But he was saying something about our plane not being there and that we were going to be late.  Well after a long time the plane came and we went out and got in this thing.  It flys like a bird does but we got in it.  Can you believe that?  It was loud and I was really nervous.  But it got worse....yes worse.  It began to rumble and make more noise and then it shook and Mom said something about we were off.  Off what?  Where?  I settled into Dad's arms.  I knew he would protect me...  Awww this flying thing is nothing.  Up down up down up down slow fast slow fast.....I think I am going to hurl......boom....what the?  Mom said see you did a good job but I heard her tell Dad that was a bit of a hard landing.   We climbed out of that giant bird and we were somewhere they called San Juan.  They speak my language......IChihuahua!
Quickly Mom carried me and we were off to something they called a gate....didn't look like a gate to me but that is what everyone called it all day long.  We got on this GIANT bird plane this time.  Wow she was big.  But remember Dad got me up early so I slept most of it on Dad's lap.
We landed in Miami and Mom and Dad were both worried about getting to the right gate.  They said we had to take a train to get to our gate.  We got there and Dad stressed Mom out and there we sat and sat and sat.  Oh here comes a hot white Havenese....that is right he was a hottie.  I did my best to attract him but he wasn't paying attention. Finally, he notices me and so it began, a beautiful flirtation airport fling.
After a long wait...like a week, the bipods finally told us we had to go all the way back to where we started from. So back on the train again.  While running down the hall I had a little accident but Mom and Dad was cool about it.  Dad said he didn't blame me it was American Airlines fault because we should be pulling in to Granny and Papa's by now.  Well we finally got on a plane and we had a grouchy lady in front of us and even grouchier lady waiting on people, I think they called her a stewardess.  Well we made it to St Louis and OMG it was cold!  Mom put me on top of the suitcase and I got to surf down the luggage claim and when we went outside I knew we were no longer in Paradise.  My teeth were chattering.  We then got on this bus and went to get the rental car.  Mom stayed outside with me and froze.  Dad finally came and we got in the car and drove to Granny and Papa's.  I watched out the windows and wow I couldn't believe my eyes, all the lights, cars, smells, and people. 
After an eternity, we arrived, and guess what, it WAS Granny and Papa's.  The same people who were just at my house.  I found them....oh I am so happy.  Well it is late .... to bed I go.

Wailing Of A Childless Mother

I attended Freddy's memorial soccer game yesterday.  As his Momma came up his Step-Dad told her my name but I recognized she was in the same Fog I had been in.  So as I hugged her she began to go limp and wail the familiar wail I do.  I later learned she spoke little English but there was a connection that mothers have that have lost a child.  It is so unique and there are no words to describe.  I found joy in the game as I could see Jared and Freddy both on the field playing with everyone.  Several College Freshmen had made it back in time to participate and was so wonderful seeing them.  What was also nice is I met the parents of a girl I would sit next to at games and she now attends college in Nashville.  She lost her brother, blond hair, blue eyed, soccer player, a few years ago to the Tide Pools to a rogue wave.  We connected instantly and somehow knew who each other was.  We talked and shared stories of our boys and ways we cope with life.  She and her husband had to leave and shortly after I thought I need to as well.  I made my way down to hug Momma again and it was then I learned that she spoke little English.  The minister's wife interpreted and she then realized who I was.  She held my hands and didn't want to let go.  She said Freddy would talk about Jared all the time.  Oh how that warmed my heart!  As I left I would hear a voice call out, hi Mrs. Martin and I would look to find a student who was coming toward me with open arms.  They have no idea how much that means to me.  Then soccer coaches realized I was there and a couple hugs were shared between us.  I finally reached the truck and headed back to the house when the emotions became too much.  The river of tears fell.
I talked with Freddy's step brother and hugged him so much.  I knew him from the Boardwalk and mutual friends.  He is struggling on a much different level.  He informed me that Freddy was an only child and his Dad had three children.  So that put Momma's connection stronger yet.

Continued:
I continue to grieve a whole new grief this week.  I always think I am stronger than what I turn out to be.  Tomorrow I will board a plane and head to Illinois to be with family for the Holidays.  It will be Zoe's first experience of winter, plane rides, and meeting new family as well.  I am struggling with the Holiday.  I just don't want it to come at all.  But I have no control over that.  I am ready for my interview with the radio station and looking forward to that.  I want to remember Jared in a special way at Christmas but unsure what that will be until that moment.  I know I will light a candle while we are together.  I also have been filling his stocking with notes from me to him.

No Christmas cards were sent this year.  Each year we write a letter telling of our year's activities and joys.  I just couldn't do it.  Not this year.  Maybe next year...or maybe not.

I have been deep in thought the last couple of weeks about life, religion, Heaven, and purpose.  I have done a great deal of thought on each.  While I am traveling I plan on blogging more frequently and reflecting on those topics.

Prayers are appreciated and I wish each of you a Peace Filled Holiday Season.

Tragedy During the Holidays

It was confirmed this morning that a friend, fellow soccer player, and fellow senior of Jared, lost his life this weekend while enjoying time with friends at the Tide Pools here on island.  From what I understand a rogue wave hit him and carried him out to sea.  We are now just days from Christmas and this family will be dealing with so very much.  My heart breaks again for his mother who will now join the club of mothers who have lost children.  It is NOT a club anyone wants to be it, believe me.  However, I try to think of another young man from the same school who lost his life in the same area in the same way.  I think of his family who will be suffering from wounds reopened.  Soccer stand out, Senior in HS.  I know that God has an AMAZING soccer team.  I look forward to heaven to watch them play.

My in-laws left for home today and Zoe, our puppy, is lost this morning.  She is crying and sad by her loss.  What she doesn't realize is she will soon see them again.  It made me think of how young children deal with loss.  It is too big for them to understand.  Trying to help young ones through the holidays is just too hard for many.  It is important to remember to seek spiritual guidance in what you need to say.

The other night I had a complete melt down.  Rich simply did not know how to console me.  I don't know that anyone could have.  What I was feeling was completely contradictory to what I knew to be true.  Yet I felt it.  The pain was deep and severe.  What lies ahead?  My mother-in-law and I were talking and I told her I think it would be easier if I could just have A feeling, not the roller coaster that is out of control and never knowing what feeling is going to show up and when.

We are now heading into the final stretch for Christmas and God will carry me through the next month.  I am glad I can lean on God during this time.  Many people run away from him in Anger.  I am glad HE understands and is there when we need him.

May you all have a very Merry and Peaceful Christmas Season.

Reflextions

I sit here tonight reflecting on the past six months.  Six months ago today I had my son, six months ago tomorrow, 4 hours fom now, I didn't have my son on earth any longer.  It SUCKS beyond belief, beyond comprehention.  While I have family and friends supporting me it sucks and I feel alone on a deserted island.  I want to cry endlessly.  Why? Just because I do.  Oh God, my only wish is that you will send him back to me on earth, You can do anything, please do this miracle and show everyone you are real, make them believe too.

Struggling

The last several days I have been dealing with internal struggles.  Let me say this first, I have learned that there is a large difference on what you know to be true and what you feel to be true.

I know I raised Jared the very best I could.  I taught him right from wrong.  I taught him to be kind and respectful to others.  I was still teaching him how yo be a good man and future husband/father.  I know Jared loved me beyond words, as I did him.  I know I am dealing with my grief in a way many are not accustomed to.  I know I refuse to hide in shame or embarrassment of suicide.  I refuse to let suicide take my life in that capacity or any other.

Now what I feel is so drastically different that what I said above.  What I feel is I failed Jared.  I didn't shelter the real world and reality from him.  I didn't hide my struggles in life from him.  He knew when financial issues would come up and he would see me work through them.  Maybe I should have just painted sunny skis and roses.  That isn't me.  Maybe I WAS a terrible mother.  After all, I was sued so many times by my ex mother in law for that reason.  Maybe I didn't love him enough.  Maybe I should have sheltered him and not prepared him to be on his own...he could have just lived with me forever.  Maybe I am being punished.  I lost my dad at 8, had miscarriages, finally had Jared, now he is gone too.  Am I really so bad that this happened? Was I needing a Faith check?
Then there is this battle of.......worrying about how others feel when I talk about Jared.  This is a big struggle.  What the hell should I care how it impacts others.  Don't like me talking about Jared, go away.  That just isn't possible.  I am a proud momma. I will always talk about him.  I have been given a purpose, an important purpose in life to break stigmas of suicide and mental health help.
While I know my feeling are unsubstantiated, I still have them.  I find I no longer have a filter on many things. While I care for those around me, I try to let people know it is ok to talk to me.  I also want people to understand that sometimes, I struggle and for a couple of hours I just want to focus on listening to the band playing and having a couple of drinks.  Sometimes I just want to stare at the water and stars and think.
I know the next several weeks are going to suck on so many levels.  But I have hung Jared's stocking by his Urn and will probably continue to each year.  I did not do a letter and Christmas cards this year, and not sure I will again.
So I continue to struggle between what I know and what I feel.