Emotional Roller Coaster From Hell

I have been been on a roller coaster from hell this week.  Not really sure why, other than just hits like a rogue wave.  This week has been very busy.  Brent returned to the states on Sunday.  I enjoyed some down time and cleaning while we all just took it easy.  Needless to say that is a never ending job. On Monday I enjoyed having breakfast with a friend and it turned into almost staying for lunch...lol  It sure was good to just chat about all kinds of things.  This was also MLK Day.  I then did some shopping for needed groceries then headed home to get dinner ready for Jared's best friend from island, Najee.  It was so nice to catch up and just see he is doing well at school.  He is having the normal transitional issues that we all went through.  Do I stay in a dorm, do I move out, do I buy a car or just take the bus.  Things of that nature.  As the night wrapped up I gave him a ride home.  We had a nice one on one chat and he hugged me as he left.  It was a special hug.  Almost that of when Jared would hug me.  Was it actually a hug through Najee from Jared?  I don't know but I know we both teared up as we parted ways.  That night as I went to bed I realized that it was MLK Day.  A day that celebrated the accomplishments of MLK and his struggles in making the world a little better.  Would he be proud of those of us who broke bread together on his celebrated day?  Was he happy that his sacrifices were not in vein?  This made me think....are our souls colored?  I wonder?  If they are I think they are yellow, a bright happy color resembling the light of God perhaps?
On Tuesday, I began a week of bigger responsibility outside the house. My work week increased and I have taken more of a managerial responsibility.  The owner had to go stateside for a while and I promised from day one, to be there to help in any way I can.  She has a special place in my heart and work makes me happy, even when it is stressful.  I have found the stress at work, when it is there, is actually healing to me.  It is hard to explain but it triggers deeper thought in me and draws me closer to God and Jared.
The other night I had an all out grief attach watching American Pickers.  Why?  I have no idea why that moment it came over me like a flood.  It just did.  I cried and had so many emotions I just didn't know what to do with them all.
Since then I had some answers given to me.  Freddy, the high school senior who was lost to the sea a little more than a month ago, had a loving group of people hike to the Tide Pools where he was lost and hold a prayer service.  I simply could not get myself to go, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. Why?  That is what our last weekend with Jared was doing.  Except we got lost and never made it to the Tide Pools.
This week has had some happy times, like today at the beach with my husband, dinner with Najee, breakfast with Angela and when my bird came back to visit me outside the bedroom window.
If you recall for several weeks after Jared passed a bird sang day and night outside my window.  It brought me so much comfort.  The night I had my breakdown, he returned.  I so much wish I understood bird, but I understood what was happening.
Since then I have had a visit from Jared and he is with me each day and every step I take.  He has my left hand.
I have had so many deep thoughts this week about heaven and spirits and our souls.  It is profound!
I also found a wonderful support group online this week.  They too are Angel Moms.  It is a connection that comes only from heaven.
I have also had lows this week.  I begged God to please take me and let me be with my son.  I need him so much.  But Jared told me it is not my turn.  What?  Is there a line?  How the heck did you get in front of me then?  It is no coincidence that when I have lows, my scripture reading for the following day addresses my weakness.
I also made a post on Facebook that upset my husband but I didn't mean it towards him.  My post read: Sometimes I just want to be the irresponsible one. I guess a good wife and mom never gets that luxury. Oh well Good wife and Mom is a better legacy anyway.
I posted this after seeing yet again, a mother who was so blessed to have beautiful children, yet they cared nothing for them, in my opinion.  She was cussing at these small children telling them how they ruin her life and she can't get a man because of them.  In another situation a few months ago I saw a mom so drunk with a child in stroller almost dump the child into the harbor.  Sometimes I want to scream, If your social life is so damn important give me your children to love and care for.
I pray for a better emotional week this week.  I pray for calmer waters and lower highs, higher lows, and loving Angel arms around me all week.
 If you have children, love them, hug them, tell them you are blessed they are your child.