"Linda Linda Linda Honey You're Not Lis-en-en"

Are you Lis-en-nen?   A few weeks ago I watched the viral video of a little boy plead with his mother to listen to him about why it was ok to eat the cupcake.   At the same time mom was trying to explain he wasn't listening either.   This also took me back to a teacher's institute where one the presenters said children require our complete attention when we are talking to them.   A toddler will grab your face to get your attention.   Ever had that happen?
So what I have thought quite a bit about lately is how much am I listening to people and God?  
I listen to my husband,  my friends,  my family,  God, and Jared.   BUT am I really listening?   Anyone who has children knows as they get older they have selective hearing.   Clean your room seems to never get heard contrary to let's get ice cream,  in which you better get out of the way so you don't get ran over. 
I thought back to childhood,  I listened to my mother, but it wasn't for years later that most of what she said made the light come on. After all,  I was a kid and knew it all.   I listened to my teachers,  some more than others.   Good thing too,  some were not the most motivating individuals,  they just knew I wouldn't amount to much or ever leave my home town.  Guess I showed them huh?  
As I became an adult,  I somewhere learned you were to listen to the "stuff" everyone knows. ....gossip. Didn't help I married into a family that thrived on gossip. I later understood the true meaning of "People in glass houses should not cast stones ". 
Well you all know the marriage didn't work and it was then I learned how mean people can be with sharp tongues and ears eager to listen.  
As I moved on with life and moved to Tennessee listening to stuff wasn't a part of my life.   Well not until Jared was in basketball and let me tell you,  my husband always called it a hen fest and that doesn't begin to touch what it was.   I also was quick to jump into the defense of kids so sometimes those two were not a good combo.  
I have listened to my employers over the years,  some more than others.  
Life is different now.  I listen differently. I listen to words and actions.   I listen to signs and spiritual interactions too.  I DON'T LISTEN TO GOSSIP.  I will not call people out I simply let it flow through my hearing devices.  

I sometimes have to focus very hard on listening because my mind drifts into thoughts of Jared.   Yet other times I am intently focused on our conversation.  This also happens when I am in prayer and reading my secular materials.   Heck sometimes when I am reading directions for cooking my mind will wonder off.   

I have to focus on hearing not just listening,  absorbing not just passing through.   I find I don't multi task when talking like I once did while having a conversation, but rather I focus on your face and body language too.  Not to see if you are honest, but rather I find I am learning and getting to know people much differently now.  
I have also listened to stories of momma's who have lost their children and looked at pictures of those lost, days before they left the earth and I noticed that all of their eyes have something unique.   They all look a like!   Didn't matter what color the eyes had always been,  they looked different.   I had someone say the eyes are the windows to our souls.   Well then was I seeing an empty soul in each person?   Maybe that is the look of pure fulfillment by the Holy Spirit.   I am not sure but I like the thought of the second.   Maybe that is why those who take their life by suicide are at peace with the choice.  
That too has taken me into contemplation this week. ....is suicide the choice of the individual or a greater power?   If it is allowed or accepted by God, then why?   He has the power to stop it but yet He doesn't.   What are we supposed to learn,  What am I supposed to learn?
See how my mind works now?  One contemplation takes me to the next thing and it seems to be a continuous domino effect.

I hope you Lis En Nen to your children, grandchildren, spouse, friends, or those you interact with.  You may make a difference in someone's day that is having a crap-tastic day.

Thank you for lis en in.  

Emotional Roller Coaster From Hell

I have been been on a roller coaster from hell this week.  Not really sure why, other than just hits like a rogue wave.  This week has been very busy.  Brent returned to the states on Sunday.  I enjoyed some down time and cleaning while we all just took it easy.  Needless to say that is a never ending job. On Monday I enjoyed having breakfast with a friend and it turned into almost staying for lunch...lol  It sure was good to just chat about all kinds of things.  This was also MLK Day.  I then did some shopping for needed groceries then headed home to get dinner ready for Jared's best friend from island, Najee.  It was so nice to catch up and just see he is doing well at school.  He is having the normal transitional issues that we all went through.  Do I stay in a dorm, do I move out, do I buy a car or just take the bus.  Things of that nature.  As the night wrapped up I gave him a ride home.  We had a nice one on one chat and he hugged me as he left.  It was a special hug.  Almost that of when Jared would hug me.  Was it actually a hug through Najee from Jared?  I don't know but I know we both teared up as we parted ways.  That night as I went to bed I realized that it was MLK Day.  A day that celebrated the accomplishments of MLK and his struggles in making the world a little better.  Would he be proud of those of us who broke bread together on his celebrated day?  Was he happy that his sacrifices were not in vein?  This made me think....are our souls colored?  I wonder?  If they are I think they are yellow, a bright happy color resembling the light of God perhaps?
On Tuesday, I began a week of bigger responsibility outside the house. My work week increased and I have taken more of a managerial responsibility.  The owner had to go stateside for a while and I promised from day one, to be there to help in any way I can.  She has a special place in my heart and work makes me happy, even when it is stressful.  I have found the stress at work, when it is there, is actually healing to me.  It is hard to explain but it triggers deeper thought in me and draws me closer to God and Jared.
The other night I had an all out grief attach watching American Pickers.  Why?  I have no idea why that moment it came over me like a flood.  It just did.  I cried and had so many emotions I just didn't know what to do with them all.
Since then I had some answers given to me.  Freddy, the high school senior who was lost to the sea a little more than a month ago, had a loving group of people hike to the Tide Pools where he was lost and hold a prayer service.  I simply could not get myself to go, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. Why?  That is what our last weekend with Jared was doing.  Except we got lost and never made it to the Tide Pools.
This week has had some happy times, like today at the beach with my husband, dinner with Najee, breakfast with Angela and when my bird came back to visit me outside the bedroom window.
If you recall for several weeks after Jared passed a bird sang day and night outside my window.  It brought me so much comfort.  The night I had my breakdown, he returned.  I so much wish I understood bird, but I understood what was happening.
Since then I have had a visit from Jared and he is with me each day and every step I take.  He has my left hand.
I have had so many deep thoughts this week about heaven and spirits and our souls.  It is profound!
I also found a wonderful support group online this week.  They too are Angel Moms.  It is a connection that comes only from heaven.
I have also had lows this week.  I begged God to please take me and let me be with my son.  I need him so much.  But Jared told me it is not my turn.  What?  Is there a line?  How the heck did you get in front of me then?  It is no coincidence that when I have lows, my scripture reading for the following day addresses my weakness.
I also made a post on Facebook that upset my husband but I didn't mean it towards him.  My post read: Sometimes I just want to be the irresponsible one. I guess a good wife and mom never gets that luxury. Oh well Good wife and Mom is a better legacy anyway.
I posted this after seeing yet again, a mother who was so blessed to have beautiful children, yet they cared nothing for them, in my opinion.  She was cussing at these small children telling them how they ruin her life and she can't get a man because of them.  In another situation a few months ago I saw a mom so drunk with a child in stroller almost dump the child into the harbor.  Sometimes I want to scream, If your social life is so damn important give me your children to love and care for.
I pray for a better emotional week this week.  I pray for calmer waters and lower highs, higher lows, and loving Angel arms around me all week.
 If you have children, love them, hug them, tell them you are blessed they are your child.

The Christmas Stocking

This year decorating or Christmas was hard.  I didn't want the holiday to even happen let alone being happy and joyous about it.  What do I do with Jared's stocking?  What about Poco's stocking?  Needless to say it was a completely different Christmas for me.  Decorations went up.  This year a little differently, they were placed around the house.  Jared's stocking went up above his Urn.  When I wanted to talk to him I wrote him letters and placed them in his stocking.  It somehow made the holiday bearable.

Of course we traveled to Illinois to be with family and my sister-in-law and her husband had a candle for Jared and had a beautiful dish and rocks in it.  How appropriate, he was my rock.  The candle was lit and remained so throughout the evening.  They asked if I would like to bring it back but I told them I would like it to stay there.  I wanted them to light it for him when they missed him.  Of course the candle I have here simply can't burn 24 hours a day but I do light it often.

When we returned home it was time to take down the Christmas decorations and I pondered what to do with the notes I had written to Jared.  I decided to leave them in his stocking.  They will be there year after year.

Of course Zoe has not been gifted Poco's stocking and treats were stuffed in to overflowing levels.  She is learning what that stocking is all about.

I now have my Valentines decorations up and remember all the boxes that were made in Elementary School and the Valentines that were assembled.  In fact in one of the photo albums I brought back was a list from that year with all the children's names on it and Jared had drawn a line through each as he filled out their card.

My heart warms thinking of him and I won't stop talking about him.  Yet my heart breaks for him and all the others that have taken their life by suicide.  They are getting younger and younger, in fact, I recently learned of ten year old.  TEN!  He shouldn't even know about death, let alone contemplate it.  This has fueled my desire to get this message into the schools, into churches, into community organizations, and into Veterans organizations.

Something has to give to help these children.  We have to quit being so mean to one another.

 

It's Not Fair

How many times have you said this or heard this in your lifetime?  So many I can't count.  What is fair?  Maybe that is a better question.  This year I am really focusing on me, the inner me, the spiritual me.  I am looking for the positive in everything.  That is really hard sometimes.  I have found that we have been conditioned to look for the "nots" in life instead of the "is".  It is far easier for me to say, "It is NOT warm outside" rather than, "I am blessed with warm clothes and riches many can't fathom."  Why is that?  Here is what I have thought about for many days now.

From birth we are told, "don't, stop, wait, no," etc while we are growing and learning.  Some of those are necessary.  Don't run into the street is a valid No.  Don't put your hand on the hot stove, valid No.  But think about this for a minute, remember in school from an early age what do the handbooks and classroom rules say most of the time.
1. No Talking
2. No getting out of seat without permission

How about a little change in our thoughts to more positive.
1. Speak positive words when speaking
2. When walking about, be polite

You get the point.  I think this has conditioned each one of us to be negative in many aspects of our lives.
The news helps feed that in all of us, or that is what we are demanding, not sure on that one.  Front page is reserved for the worst, bloodiest, awful news, murders, terrorism, crime.  Where is the good news?  Buried in the back sections of the paper or the 20 second story at the end of the news cast.  Why?

Well back to the topic...It is NOT Fair!  I want happy news first.  Let me choose to tune out of the news when you change to unhappy news.

Life is not fair....boy have I heard that a ton of times.  Maybe it is and maybe it isn't.  Life I think is fair but things that take place within our life are not always fair.  Is it fair that Jared took his life?  I don't think so.  But, I have also learned to look at it this way.  Was it fair he continued to suffer so much inside?  Was it fair that he was being pulled into a life he didn't want to satisfy a part of his family that struggled to come to terms with Jared's Dad's suicide?  Was it fair to his teammates, classmates, friends, and family that he chose to take his life and leave us with pain?  Was it fair he was in so much pain inflicted by others that he lost and those that were still alive?  But none of these questions have to do with Life.
Life comes from God, in my opinion.  Life is fair.  We are given in life the ability to love.  With each ability we are also given vulnerability.  That leads to pain of many levels, hurt, embarrassment, breakups, divorce, and even death.  But each of these remind us of the blessings we are also given, most importantly, those that cause each of the above feelings and emotions, or events.
Life gave me Dan and a love that brought a child into the world.  Fair  Dan's weaknesses caused a multitude of issues that were not able to be resolved due to many things.  Not Fair  Ultimately, a divorce happened.  Not Fair, mostly to Jared.  Met a wonderful man that has been by my side for many years now.  Fair  Good times.  Fair  Sad times and bad times. Not Fair.
You get what I am saying.  So while it is Not Fair to me that Jared is gone, it Is Fair to Jared he is not hurting any longer.
I am entering several months that I must remind myself of this.  As the class of 2015 races to the end of their high school careers, I will be feeling all the emotions imaginable, hurt, happiness, sadness, love, joy, and others I haven't felt yet.  I will see Jared walking with his friends as they get their diplomas, celebrate their time together, and reflect on the years together.  I will also be going through my first Valentine's Day and Easter without Jared, his first Birthday in Heaven, his senior graduation, first soccer season sitting at home, and the first year Angelversary.
So is this Fair?  No but yes....I am blessed to be able to have the support, love, and good friends to share all of this with.