The Keeper

def: a person who manages or looks after something or someone.

Sports def: A player assigned to protect the goal in various sports.

One of Jared's coaches told me that he was placed in the most important position for all the team.  This position was not only to block the ball from entering but it was to observe, digest, and act as a "coach" from the field.  This position needed to be able to reassure the team he would stop any ball that had gotten past them, or in other words "he had their back".  This position was to coach and cheer on his team and motivate as this position had a better observation of the game then even the coach.  

I watched Jared closely in his position he had been given after that talk.  Being the over protective mother I was, I was concerned that was a lot of weight just put on his shoulders.  I saw him take that weight and grow stronger from it.  He learned to do exactly what the coach needed him to do and to also communicate with the coach for the coach to make better decisions.  

This week has been one hell of a week for me.  Downs, Ups, drowning, flying, exhaustion and completely helpless.  These are just a few of the emotions from this week.  

I began to think yesterday afternoon as I felt Jared's presence very strong, about the true meaning of a Keeper.  I remembered what that coach had told me.  I remembered watching Jared become a strong Keeper, both physically and mentally.  I also thought about this:  Jared is still the Keeper.  He is keeping his team going to stop "block" suicide (stop the ball).  He is putting each of us in our position on the field and putting a support system in the stands.  He is putting people at the gate collecting money to insure the team can continue to play on a level field with good lighting, and a successful outcome.  He has put the coaches in place that cheer on the team members.  He has more team members than ever before signing up to join his team.  We have a great defense!  I also thought, just as the best of the best teams out there, once in a while a ball will get past all of us.  No matter how strong our defense was/is.  So, I can scream for a minute but then, just like Jared, I have to get my head back in the game.  

Our Keepers across the US and around the world are growing in numbers, our defenses are getting stronger.  Our cheers are getting louder.  Our name is getting known.  Our mission is being heard.  Our "goals" are adding up.  

I hear often from those who knew Jared that he is proud of me and the work I am doing.  I think he is most proud of holding his team together.  See my gift to Jared pales in comparison to that he gives me each day.  He made wonderful, strong willed, determined, driven friends and he gifted them all to me.  Without them, I couldn't continue nor would I have ever started.  

I wish Jared would have taken his hurt from losing his father and done what Kelsey and I have done with ours.  He would have had all the same supporters.  

I look forward to heaven.  I really do.  I can be with Jared again and watch he and his team "God's Giants" or "Heavenly Havoc" playing some awesome soccer.  I am sure that it is the greatest place, it has to be with all the beautiful Angels that live there with God.  

Triggers

We all have "triggers" that instantly take up to happy or sad places in our lives.  It could be the smell of a cologne, perfume, flower, food, or pungent smell.  I have triggers that take me to happy and sad places as well.  The smell of dirty, stinky, sweaty, soccer.....takes me to a happy place believe it or not.  It reminds me of all the time I spent with Jared watching him do what he loved to do.
This Christmas I found a new trigger that was not pleasant at all.  In fact it brought nightmares to me.  It is a family tradition with my in-laws to watch, It's A Wonderful Life.  Didn't realize until this year how many times in one day they play the movie.  I also didn't fully recognize the plot.  Do you know it?  If you were to have asked me a couple of years ago I would say it was a Guardian Angel sent to make George understand all the blessings he has.  While that is true.....let's go to the beginning, where Gabriel was sent because George was getting ready to take his life......that is right....suicide.  I never picked that part up until this year.  Man did it come crashing down on my like a building collapsing and taking my breath away.  I tried to occupy myself with my phone playing mindless games until my battery went dead.  Then, I had to leave the room.  I could have brought it to the attention of everyone but there was a fear of doing so.  After all, I am an advocate to stop suicide, why would this silly movie get to me so much?  Well the only way I can explain it is this.  Touching someone on the arm with a new unsharpened pencil would not hurt.  Yet if I did that on the arm with an open wound it would hurt beyond words.  All holidays are open wounds when we are grieving for our loved ones.
I have had to learn many coping mechanisms to get through each day.  Some are easier than others.  I am not sure that Christmas will ever get easier.
I know that I have had many triggers and some I am able to flat out ignore before I get to the point of "out of control" with them.  As an example, the media sensationalizing suicides and homicides.  We don't need the details!  When I think there is a trigger in the article I won't read it.  Others are unavoidable.  Much like learning the breathing techniques for labor, I have had to learn how to breath for grief.  Sounds silly doesn't it?  Yet, it is true.  I have had to learn to breath at all sometimes.  I have had to learn to breath short quick breaths and slow into longer, deeper breaths to slow my heart rate down from strong emotions to keep from hyperventilating.  I have had to learn to breath with long exhales to clear my mind, emotions, and gain control over my thoughts.
For me the worst part of triggers is they can bring happiness and sadness at the same time.  Pictures do this often for me.  So many times I smile with happiness and cry with sadness at the exact same moment.
As we start a new year, I pray no parent will have to lose a child.  I pray no person will have to suffer.  I pray for peace of heart for those who are grieving.