The last two months have been a whirlwind to say the least. But in just five days all the planning that has taken place will begin to take life. Zoe and I will board a plane to Nashville for most all of May. I am so ready to have change for a while. However I wouldn't be completely honest with you if I didn't say there are things I am struggling with right now.
First mother's day! I hope for a peace filled day but as always there is anxiety with it. I will be with my mom and at least one of my brothers. Hoping to spend some time with other family as well but everyone is busy so who knows.
Prom! Yep the pictures started this weekend showing up on Facebook. My heart breaks and a few tears have fallen but a part of me is happy for all of them too.
Graduation! Anxiety beyond words. I will watch a class graduate that I watched four years ago promote into high school. Jared was so happy that day. But I also am happy for all of the kids and I am looking forward to seeing what Jared has in store for that night. I know there will be signs and his presence there playing jokes on his friends.
There are things I am looking forward to. Like the huge fundraiser on the 16th. It will be awesome. I look forward to talking to several groups with Kelsey. I look forward to seeing friends and loved ones.
I am sure I will have a couple of melt downs along the way but I know there will be lots of happy memories and laughs.
I am in hopes to get back to blogging more throughout this adventure.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Getting Ready
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Coming Out Of Darkness
The last few weeks have been filled with much anxiety for me. They have been terrifying at times. I was not looking forward to things I should have been excited for. Why? Because life once again slapped me in the face and said - it is real, he is gone. For 17 years I have been excited to prepare Easter Baskets and shop for birthday gifts. I was transformed back to the days following Jared's death when my calendar that was full of appointments revolving around him just disappeared. My busy calendar was empty. Once again, what should have been a time to tizzy, was quiet. So much so I overlooked the fact I had a wedding anniversary to celebrate.
Rich, always trying to take the pain away, convinced me that we needed to go away and we have been wanting to have a vacation of just relaxation rather than full of appointments. So we booked a cruise. At first I was overwhelmed with guilt about it. How can I go without Jared? But then I could hear him say, don't worry I will be right there with you. Boy was he right.
So we flew to San Juan to catch the ship and on Easter we traveled all the way back to the VI. We were in St. Thomas. We chose to relax since we had just been there the month before surprising my in-laws when then arrived by ship. So we spent a little time shopping but most of it enjoying a quiet time on the ship. We had our first formal night and were seated for the week at a table for 6. When we arrived just another couple was present. This would be true the entire week. I couldn't help but think how ironic it was that I heard Jared say I will be there and then had an empty chair at dinner the entire week that I could see him sitting in laughing, joking, talking about the day, and ordering the most adventurous food on the menu. In fact I chuckled out lout when I saw escargot appear and remember the first time he had it and loved it. I could hear him on the night lobster was served. He and I both loved seafood so we really enjoyed that experience together.
As Easter came to a close, I thought to myself how funny it was that I could somehow hear and feel Jared present with me. He was so very strong in his closeness to me last week.
Two short days later we were on the island of Martinique and The Martins celebrated our anniversary. It was a great day and I really found myself laughing at memories of Jared with us throughout our time together. From the memory of him jumping into Rich's arms as a three year old to the night he lectured Rich and I if we love each other we should be married, to the playful child on the beach that just heard the water, shells, and coral calling his name during our beach wedding that he nearly tripped the videographer during the ceremony as he was tossing bits of coral into the ocean. I thought of the times he loved to cook for us and happy times on cruises and vacations. We ended the day with going to the show and then heading off to bed. I could feel a playfulness in the air but would not understand it for a couple more days.
Two days later, April 9, I woke with tears falling. I told myself I will celebrate his day and not be sad for he is spending the day with his dad in heaven. On this day we were in Granada. This was a place we had not been before. We stopped for a walk on a beautiful beach and heart shaped coral seemed to be appearing with each step I took. I was overwhelmed. At first I began picking the pieces up until I realized the ship simply would not hold the weight. A few shells jumped out as I could hear, Mom check this one out. Goose bumps surfaced and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could hear and see him playing in the water doing flops and swimming as if he were right there. I began to cry and Rich noticed and comforted me. We then walked hand in hand down to the other side of the beach. We found a little bar next to a pool at a hotel. We stopped in and something directed my attention to a Frozen Mudslide. That is what I ordered. See in the VI Jared would have been legal drinking age so I had one for him. I could then hear his chattiness surface all the way back to our tour group and back to the ship. I could hear him pointing stuff out and while some don't believe, I honestly did not see many things until I heard him and would turn to look for them and then see them. For a period of time I forgot he was gone, it was THAT real. That evening we returned to our cabin and things appeared as usual. However, I would find this to not be the case.
You see the next day Rich began to share things with me. Like the shower head had been pointed directly in his face. On the ship the removal shower head was adjustable. When the stewardess would clean she always left it down after cleaning the shower. Then he shared that the usual towel animal, daily paper, and what should have been the remote that always awaited us at the foot of the bed, was not as usual. The remote had been placed under the turn down of the duvet at the head of the bed. I laughed at Rich and said why would she do that and how would she know exactly where your head would be in the shower? Later I saw our stewardess while Rich was out and about. I asked her and pure horror came over her. She was concerned we were mad and would give her a bad review. She swore she had not done either thing and said she always put the shower head to the bottom and the remote on top of the paper. I laughed and assured her we were not upset and I think I know who did it. She looked puzzled but I left it at that.
That night when we arrived at our cabin she had made a special towel creation just for Rich.
I shared this with Rich but he simply did not completely buy into Jared playing jokes on him. That was until we arrived back on island. We visited the boardwalk our first evening back and the couple who run the Scooter Shop here on island caught Rich and told him about Jared's picture falling "the day before yesterday". They didn't want me to see it missing and be upset. See they put a photo of him up to honor him along side others that have been lost on island. I am told Rich began to laugh and told them to come share the story with me I would laugh at it and I would tell them why.
He came outside with me and said they would be coming to talk to me. Phil and Sandy each came at different times and told me and said how afraid they were to tell me. I laughed and said it was Jared! I explained how that was his birthday and the way I see it, he didn't much care for his picture being taken and he did lay his scooter down three times. So perhaps on his birthday, after a bit too much celebrating, he fell off the wall....lol I still have not had the courage to go to the garage to see if the scooter is standing or laying on its' side....LOL
This week so far has been busy with preparations for my trip in two weeks! YIKES!
So much must be finished up and completed and taken care of and OMG I must fix meals to divide up and freeze for Rich to eat while I am gone (because he will starve you know) and I have to pack and hey btw you just got the location of the fundraiser moved, holy cow now to replan the infrastructure of where we are now going to be (which is where I wanted to be in the first place) etc etc etc.
Zoe is starving for "mommy" time and glad to be home too. Things are just simply crazy, but good, right now.
Rich, always trying to take the pain away, convinced me that we needed to go away and we have been wanting to have a vacation of just relaxation rather than full of appointments. So we booked a cruise. At first I was overwhelmed with guilt about it. How can I go without Jared? But then I could hear him say, don't worry I will be right there with you. Boy was he right.
So we flew to San Juan to catch the ship and on Easter we traveled all the way back to the VI. We were in St. Thomas. We chose to relax since we had just been there the month before surprising my in-laws when then arrived by ship. So we spent a little time shopping but most of it enjoying a quiet time on the ship. We had our first formal night and were seated for the week at a table for 6. When we arrived just another couple was present. This would be true the entire week. I couldn't help but think how ironic it was that I heard Jared say I will be there and then had an empty chair at dinner the entire week that I could see him sitting in laughing, joking, talking about the day, and ordering the most adventurous food on the menu. In fact I chuckled out lout when I saw escargot appear and remember the first time he had it and loved it. I could hear him on the night lobster was served. He and I both loved seafood so we really enjoyed that experience together.
As Easter came to a close, I thought to myself how funny it was that I could somehow hear and feel Jared present with me. He was so very strong in his closeness to me last week.
Two short days later we were on the island of Martinique and The Martins celebrated our anniversary. It was a great day and I really found myself laughing at memories of Jared with us throughout our time together. From the memory of him jumping into Rich's arms as a three year old to the night he lectured Rich and I if we love each other we should be married, to the playful child on the beach that just heard the water, shells, and coral calling his name during our beach wedding that he nearly tripped the videographer during the ceremony as he was tossing bits of coral into the ocean. I thought of the times he loved to cook for us and happy times on cruises and vacations. We ended the day with going to the show and then heading off to bed. I could feel a playfulness in the air but would not understand it for a couple more days.
Two days later, April 9, I woke with tears falling. I told myself I will celebrate his day and not be sad for he is spending the day with his dad in heaven. On this day we were in Granada. This was a place we had not been before. We stopped for a walk on a beautiful beach and heart shaped coral seemed to be appearing with each step I took. I was overwhelmed. At first I began picking the pieces up until I realized the ship simply would not hold the weight. A few shells jumped out as I could hear, Mom check this one out. Goose bumps surfaced and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could hear and see him playing in the water doing flops and swimming as if he were right there. I began to cry and Rich noticed and comforted me. We then walked hand in hand down to the other side of the beach. We found a little bar next to a pool at a hotel. We stopped in and something directed my attention to a Frozen Mudslide. That is what I ordered. See in the VI Jared would have been legal drinking age so I had one for him. I could then hear his chattiness surface all the way back to our tour group and back to the ship. I could hear him pointing stuff out and while some don't believe, I honestly did not see many things until I heard him and would turn to look for them and then see them. For a period of time I forgot he was gone, it was THAT real. That evening we returned to our cabin and things appeared as usual. However, I would find this to not be the case.
You see the next day Rich began to share things with me. Like the shower head had been pointed directly in his face. On the ship the removal shower head was adjustable. When the stewardess would clean she always left it down after cleaning the shower. Then he shared that the usual towel animal, daily paper, and what should have been the remote that always awaited us at the foot of the bed, was not as usual. The remote had been placed under the turn down of the duvet at the head of the bed. I laughed at Rich and said why would she do that and how would she know exactly where your head would be in the shower? Later I saw our stewardess while Rich was out and about. I asked her and pure horror came over her. She was concerned we were mad and would give her a bad review. She swore she had not done either thing and said she always put the shower head to the bottom and the remote on top of the paper. I laughed and assured her we were not upset and I think I know who did it. She looked puzzled but I left it at that.
That night when we arrived at our cabin she had made a special towel creation just for Rich.
I shared this with Rich but he simply did not completely buy into Jared playing jokes on him. That was until we arrived back on island. We visited the boardwalk our first evening back and the couple who run the Scooter Shop here on island caught Rich and told him about Jared's picture falling "the day before yesterday". They didn't want me to see it missing and be upset. See they put a photo of him up to honor him along side others that have been lost on island. I am told Rich began to laugh and told them to come share the story with me I would laugh at it and I would tell them why.
He came outside with me and said they would be coming to talk to me. Phil and Sandy each came at different times and told me and said how afraid they were to tell me. I laughed and said it was Jared! I explained how that was his birthday and the way I see it, he didn't much care for his picture being taken and he did lay his scooter down three times. So perhaps on his birthday, after a bit too much celebrating, he fell off the wall....lol I still have not had the courage to go to the garage to see if the scooter is standing or laying on its' side....LOL
This week so far has been busy with preparations for my trip in two weeks! YIKES!
So much must be finished up and completed and taken care of and OMG I must fix meals to divide up and freeze for Rich to eat while I am gone (because he will starve you know) and I have to pack and hey btw you just got the location of the fundraiser moved, holy cow now to replan the infrastructure of where we are now going to be (which is where I wanted to be in the first place) etc etc etc.
Zoe is starving for "mommy" time and glad to be home too. Things are just simply crazy, but good, right now.
Friday, April 3, 2015
I Pray
I pray for an Easter miracle. I really do. I have been so extremely moody lately it is almost an out of body experience. I try to not snip at Rich but sometimes it happens before I even realize. I am so tired of being tired. Tired of hurting physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am exhausted. I have a puppy that needs me and doesn't have a problem letting me know she does. Nor does she have a problem letting me know she is upset with me. I am trying to stay focused but it just isn't working some days. I feel like I have no skeleton inside holding me up anymore.
I pray to God every day, several times a day. I ask for a miracle. Please God just bring back Jared, PLEASE! I have watched the segments on the Today Show this week and science is backing up what I already know. So if we are there where we can cross over and back than please God, let me visit Jared for a moment or just bring him back!
I have so much anxiety about this week I can't focus. I should be happy and focused on an anniversary of my marriage but I haven't even gotten him so much as a card. Why? I know I will get through this week one day at a time just as I have all the other holidays that have come and gone. This is hard. No Easter basket to put together with things Jared would like. No birthday cake to make. No presents to wrap nor excitement of getting him something he has wanted all year.
I have cried a bucket of tears this week. Usually not at convenient times. Like driving down the road and for seemingly no reason they just start flowing. Or walking down the grocery store isle and like a pregnant woman who's water just broke there they come. That isn't to mention watching commercials in Spanish that I don't even understand and start crying. sigh. Why?
I feel so close and yet so very far away from Jared. I am blessed to have such a spiritual connection with him that continues. But, I am human, therefore I am selfish, and I want more. I know God has work for me to do, as well does Jared. But for a moment in my sleep can He not just take me to visit His glorious home then bring me back to finish the work he needs?
I pray whatever He wants I do. I pray I hear him clearly with instructions. I pray that when it is my time to go, Jared is the first one that greets me beside the Lord. I also pray that God will get email or Facebook even a phone for us to talk with our loved ones. That would be an awesome Facebook page of God's selfies with our loved ones don't you think? God at the soccer games? God watching us? Oh Lord....don't post those pics please.
I pray that people let go of the hate they are holding. I can barely scroll through Facebook because of the terrible political bashing going on both directions and the bashing going on over a law that exists in more than half the country but they are ready to crucify the Indiana Governor. HATE please let it go. Tolerance of differences. I think of all of us like Legos. We are all different shapes, colors, and sizes. Some of us fit together better than others. But when we are all used correctly in harmony, we create a pretty darn cool place. Take a look at this amazing Lego sculpture.
I pray you all have an amazing Easter.
I pray to God every day, several times a day. I ask for a miracle. Please God just bring back Jared, PLEASE! I have watched the segments on the Today Show this week and science is backing up what I already know. So if we are there where we can cross over and back than please God, let me visit Jared for a moment or just bring him back!
I have so much anxiety about this week I can't focus. I should be happy and focused on an anniversary of my marriage but I haven't even gotten him so much as a card. Why? I know I will get through this week one day at a time just as I have all the other holidays that have come and gone. This is hard. No Easter basket to put together with things Jared would like. No birthday cake to make. No presents to wrap nor excitement of getting him something he has wanted all year.
I have cried a bucket of tears this week. Usually not at convenient times. Like driving down the road and for seemingly no reason they just start flowing. Or walking down the grocery store isle and like a pregnant woman who's water just broke there they come. That isn't to mention watching commercials in Spanish that I don't even understand and start crying. sigh. Why?
I feel so close and yet so very far away from Jared. I am blessed to have such a spiritual connection with him that continues. But, I am human, therefore I am selfish, and I want more. I know God has work for me to do, as well does Jared. But for a moment in my sleep can He not just take me to visit His glorious home then bring me back to finish the work he needs?
I pray whatever He wants I do. I pray I hear him clearly with instructions. I pray that when it is my time to go, Jared is the first one that greets me beside the Lord. I also pray that God will get email or Facebook even a phone for us to talk with our loved ones. That would be an awesome Facebook page of God's selfies with our loved ones don't you think? God at the soccer games? God watching us? Oh Lord....don't post those pics please.
I pray that people let go of the hate they are holding. I can barely scroll through Facebook because of the terrible political bashing going on both directions and the bashing going on over a law that exists in more than half the country but they are ready to crucify the Indiana Governor. HATE please let it go. Tolerance of differences. I think of all of us like Legos. We are all different shapes, colors, and sizes. Some of us fit together better than others. But when we are all used correctly in harmony, we create a pretty darn cool place. Take a look at this amazing Lego sculpture.
I pray you all have an amazing Easter.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Class of 2015
If I were to give a speech to the Class of 2015:
Hello class. I want to thank you for listening to me. We have been through a lot together, and I hope to never lose contact with you. I would say that the Class of 2015 has had more than anyone's fair share of difficult times. I decided to look back at all that has changed in the world and things that have impacted us all since you were born. Here is some of what I have found. We all learned the name Monica Lewinsky, watched President Clinton get impeached and then acquitted. We have watched US Embassy bombings in Tanzania, Kenya, and Bengazi. We have watched Gay and Lesbian movements including extreme brutality and endearing affections. We have watched the Dow Jones yo-yo. We watched what became the first, unfortunately many more to follow, school shootings at Columbine which has brought gun control and bullying into the debate it is today. We have watched Mother Nature let us know who is in charge with her tornadoes in Oklahoma that killed 50 people to her floods in Tennessee that washed away homes. We even survived the dreaded Y2K bug that was going to wipe us all out. We have watched as foreign and domestic terrorists have attacked us by land, sea, and air. We all learned the term "hanging chad" thanks to the 2000 election and the state of Florida. We watched indestructible building fall on 9/11 as each of us hugged you a little tighter that night. We learned Anthrax was not just a heavy metal band name. We watched as our family and friends went off to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom. We watched as we lost the Space Shuttle Columbia and all the wonderful astronauts on board. We watched as building and fire codes strengthened across the country after a series of fun nights in a night clubs turned deadly. We watched as Saddam Hussein was captured as well as Osama Bin Laden. We watched the launch of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and many other social networks. We watched some of the deadliest hurricanes hit the US including Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Rita, Wilma, Ike, Irene, Sandy and Katrina. We watched Massachusetts become the first state to legalize same sex marriage. We watched in horror as Virginia Tech was hit by tragedy. We watched the I35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis. We watched the beginning of the recession. We watched as tornadoes killed over 60 people in Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Alabama, including many college students. We watched gasoline prices rise to unbelievable highs, but to you they were just numbers on a sign and pump and normal. We watched the first African-American president elected. We watched the creation of the Tea Party. We experienced the death of a pop icon, Michael Jackson and many of you were born when we lost a Princess. We watched the last Space Shuttle touch down ending space exploration. Sandyhook now brings instant sadness to us with just one word. We did see some technology invented together. They include Ipods, Gamecubes, Xbox, Nintendo DS, PSP, Blu-Ray, Wii, Ipod Touch, Ipad, and Iphones.
So I thought about what positive has happened to us during this time? Well here is what I feel. You have a different outlook on life. You have seen the evil that can take place, in what seems to be an overwhelming amount. But you WILL make a difference on our world. I believe you will make our world better. You have compassion like no other generation, in my opinion. You support your peers and adults alike. While you can hurt one another with words, you also have shown you can build each other back up with actions. You can make this world a better place if you so choose to do so. But you will make a difference - which way will you make it?
You have lost parents, siblings, and classmates. You are stronger today than yesterday. You have an understanding that the "taboo" topics must be talked about if we are going to fix them. You can change this world. You can find cures for what is we are told will never be cured. You can invent technology to help those who feel helpless. You have helped to invent fun words like "selfie" and my hope is you help me delete the words like "suicide". While we can't change the ways or minds of us old people, your minds are open to seeing the wonderful possibilities of what can, and should be.
Class of 2015 I beg you, please make this world a Kinder World, a More Understanding World, and a More Loving World.
Hello class. I want to thank you for listening to me. We have been through a lot together, and I hope to never lose contact with you. I would say that the Class of 2015 has had more than anyone's fair share of difficult times. I decided to look back at all that has changed in the world and things that have impacted us all since you were born. Here is some of what I have found. We all learned the name Monica Lewinsky, watched President Clinton get impeached and then acquitted. We have watched US Embassy bombings in Tanzania, Kenya, and Bengazi. We have watched Gay and Lesbian movements including extreme brutality and endearing affections. We have watched the Dow Jones yo-yo. We watched what became the first, unfortunately many more to follow, school shootings at Columbine which has brought gun control and bullying into the debate it is today. We have watched Mother Nature let us know who is in charge with her tornadoes in Oklahoma that killed 50 people to her floods in Tennessee that washed away homes. We even survived the dreaded Y2K bug that was going to wipe us all out. We have watched as foreign and domestic terrorists have attacked us by land, sea, and air. We all learned the term "hanging chad" thanks to the 2000 election and the state of Florida. We watched indestructible building fall on 9/11 as each of us hugged you a little tighter that night. We learned Anthrax was not just a heavy metal band name. We watched as our family and friends went off to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom. We watched as we lost the Space Shuttle Columbia and all the wonderful astronauts on board. We watched as building and fire codes strengthened across the country after a series of fun nights in a night clubs turned deadly. We watched as Saddam Hussein was captured as well as Osama Bin Laden. We watched the launch of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and many other social networks. We watched some of the deadliest hurricanes hit the US including Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Rita, Wilma, Ike, Irene, Sandy and Katrina. We watched Massachusetts become the first state to legalize same sex marriage. We watched in horror as Virginia Tech was hit by tragedy. We watched the I35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis. We watched the beginning of the recession. We watched as tornadoes killed over 60 people in Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Alabama, including many college students. We watched gasoline prices rise to unbelievable highs, but to you they were just numbers on a sign and pump and normal. We watched the first African-American president elected. We watched the creation of the Tea Party. We experienced the death of a pop icon, Michael Jackson and many of you were born when we lost a Princess. We watched the last Space Shuttle touch down ending space exploration. Sandyhook now brings instant sadness to us with just one word. We did see some technology invented together. They include Ipods, Gamecubes, Xbox, Nintendo DS, PSP, Blu-Ray, Wii, Ipod Touch, Ipad, and Iphones.
So I thought about what positive has happened to us during this time? Well here is what I feel. You have a different outlook on life. You have seen the evil that can take place, in what seems to be an overwhelming amount. But you WILL make a difference on our world. I believe you will make our world better. You have compassion like no other generation, in my opinion. You support your peers and adults alike. While you can hurt one another with words, you also have shown you can build each other back up with actions. You can make this world a better place if you so choose to do so. But you will make a difference - which way will you make it?
You have lost parents, siblings, and classmates. You are stronger today than yesterday. You have an understanding that the "taboo" topics must be talked about if we are going to fix them. You can change this world. You can find cures for what is we are told will never be cured. You can invent technology to help those who feel helpless. You have helped to invent fun words like "selfie" and my hope is you help me delete the words like "suicide". While we can't change the ways or minds of us old people, your minds are open to seeing the wonderful possibilities of what can, and should be.
Class of 2015 I beg you, please make this world a Kinder World, a More Understanding World, and a More Loving World.
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