Anger

Anger is an overwhelming emotion at times.  If we don't keep it in check it will consume us like a deadly cancer.  Anger is a normal stage in grief, and as most of us know, we go in and out of stages for varying periods of time.  While we all know how devastating depression can be on us, we often times forget about just how destructive anger can be.

Many people experience anger toward the loved one whom we lost.  For me, I have been angry at Jared for taking his life, for leaving me alone, for not being here with me, for hurting his friends, for.....well many things.  I have also been angry at those who continued to stand in the way of my son  healing healthy after the loss of his father less than four years prior.  I have been angry at God.  I have been angry at myself.  I have just been angry.

What I realized, and come to understand through my loss, is anger can call you to action or destroy you.  It is your choice.

If you choose to let anger destroy you, most likely you will take others down with you.  You can let it consume you to the point of becoming physically ill.  You can become so focused on control of things and people around you that you forget to love those around you.  Anger can drive those that love you the most away.

One of the issues born from anger that we see more of today, especially in schools, is bullying.  Those who are angry within and have not been taught how, or not supported in, processing and releasing anger in a healthy manner can turn to being the bully.  It is especially common with boys.  They are taught to show no emotions and not to talk about problems.  So they keep it inside.  Unfortunately, we are all like a balloon, we can only hold so much before we pop.  We must learn and teach our children to release those emotions in healthy, constructive ways.

We have seen the news where angry individuals walk into schools, churches, movie theaters and other public locations and kill or harm many individuals there.  Innocent people hurt because of unresolved, uncontrolled anger.  Many of the stories of those who do such heinous crimes, we later learn, had been suffering from a mental illness of some sort that had gone untreated.  That mental illness could be depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or more severe illnesses like clinical depression, schizophrenia, or any number of other illnesses.

The first step in all of this is to stop the stigma!  Stop joking about mental illnesses.

Reach out for help when needed and support those around you who are wanting to reach out for help.  Don't discourage them in fear of embarrassment.  If someone near you needs help then encourage and support them to seek professional help.

Anger can also call you to action.  Many times amazing charities are born out of anger towards a problem.  This happened with me.  Jared's friends were angry at losing teens to suicide and together we started Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc.  We put our anger to work to solve a problem that we didn't see much help for.  The problem of teen suicide.  Many other wonderful organizations have come from the same anger channel.  Many people have come to volunteer at organizations and help others from their anger at a problem.  MADD was born out of anger toward the problem of drunk driving.  Motivational speakers have turned anger into inspiration.  Others use the anger they have inside to drive them to success in life. Astronaut Story Musgrave is a testament to this.  He lost both parents and a brother to suicide and used all that anger to drive him to success in life.

In grief, there are no easy answers, especially when it comes to anger.  We each have a choice.  What is yours?

Learning To Be Happy For Others While Grieving

It is so hard at times to keep that smile on and not shout out, "shut the BLEEP up!"  In the early weeks of Jared's loss people walked on eggshells around me.  I encouraged them to celebrate their children, even as I mourn the loss of mine.  After all, Jared was always the one celebrating his friends and cheering them on.  I felt it important for those around me to know it is ok to talk about their child or children.   As time goes on though, I do find myself arguing with....myself.  Sometimes you get that parent who just wants to make excuses why they haven't called, emailed, messaged, or otherwise acknowledged your existence since you lost your child.  That is when the "other" side of me screams inside my head, "shut up already, I know your child is alive and well and life is grand".  Then I also think, wish you could feel this for just one hour, not a minute more, just one hour to understand.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I just want people to understand.  I want them to understand that your child is important to me, you are important to me, but my child was also important to me.  I hate when people try to justify their loss of things they enjoyed in life to my loss of a child.  NOPE, not the same.  I am sorry your friends are all too busy to go have dinner each week and that makes you sad and I know it is a big loss to you, BUT it is nothing like my loss.  Thank you for trying.

I have worked hard on myself to insure I did not, and do not, become bitter, isolated, and allow myself to go to a dark area of life.  That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  Why?  Because it is easy to do all of those things.  It is easy to be sad. In fact it takes no work whatsoever to be sad.  THAT, is sad.  It takes no work to isolate yourself from other.  It takes lots of work to gain the strength, courage, and motivation to leave the house and deal with the looks, stares, back turning, and avoidance that takes place to those who are left behind.  While I am left behind from my only child taking his life, I think this is true no matter what loved one is lost and how they were lost.  People just don't know what to say, so they avoid it at all costs to them.

 I have learned to develop coping skills when I am confronted with the extremely gloating parent (usually momma) who just continues to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their pride and joy.  How their child is the smartest, most talented, most high achieving child to ever live. First, I smile.   I think to myself, Jared would tell you quite a different story after we left.  He would also say, they are just a proud mom, just like you.  OK, Fine that makes sense.
Next, I keep my mouth shut.  Your loss of your small child and my loss of my child cannot be compared, so I don't even try to explain to them.  Jared would tell me that too.
Last, I always try to complement the child being praised by the happy parent.  It is good they are doing that.  Unfortunately, I have found too many who know little to nothing about what their child does.

I have made my focus in life to save lives now.  I tried with all my might to save Jared and lost that fight.  If I can save one, it was worth the fight.  I would never tell a parent to quit talking about their child, because I will never quit talking about mine.  I can be happy for the child and the parent in these situations because I can watch that child blossom into an amazing adult.

While I gave birth to just one child, I have always found myself surrounded by many.  In a way that is God's way of giving me children.

Traveling

I am writing this from high above the ocean on the way to Miami.  It is an unusually clear afternoon and the sun is beginning to set.  The colors are the most amazing colors and so vibrant.   It is absolutely breath taking.  As we have flown over several islands and sandbars I am amazed at God's beauty he has given us to enjoy.  Likewise, the people who have come across my path have blessed me.  A man in line asked me what I do and I shared with him what I do and why I am headed back to the states.   He first wasn't sure how to reapond. But he quickly thanked me and said more people need to join the fight.  On to the waiting area where I met a nice couple. They too asked as small talk that quickly turned into a connection.   When the young woman found out what I did, she began to cry.  I said, you have lost someone, and she shook her haed.  As I got tissues from my purse to share, she said too many.  I looked at her and she repeated I have lost too many.  She took our flyer and said she would share with her group in Atlanta. Let me time hop.....
This morning when I awoke, I followed my normal routine to the bathroom where a beautiful bird was looking in the window at me.  Remember Jared connects through birds.  I walked by 3 times before getting my phone to take a picture.  I  took three picture and a video. He let me go right up to that window and never showed fear.  A few tears of happiness fell and then I said I must go back and rest as I will have a long day of travel.  I posted those pictures on Facebook, set my phone down to charge to full, and stared out the window, when another bird landed on our balcony rail.  He looked at me and then ran across the rail.  All the time looking in the windows.  I found it an amazing sign on the day I was to fly to the states to begin my speaking tour on prevention.
Zoe knew something was going on and moped around and spent much of her time on my lap.  Then the phone call amd email came.  Flight delayed.  GREAT!   YET, I was still required to check in at the original time. 
Now back to my story....
Before our delayed plane arrived the first man came back to me to share a website with about spiritual connections.  How awesome!
Not sure what lies ahead on this trip but I know I have an army of Angels working beside me.  I feel safe and protected.
More to come......we are on an uneventful flightto Nashville.   I guess that is good.  I am on a regional jet so it is 2 seats on either side of the isle.  I am sitting with a nice woman who is stationed at Ft Campbell, KY.  Thankfully it is quiet and many readers and sleepers on this leg....lol. The only downfall to these planes are no TV and music so I read amd that makes me sleepy.  Stop that you have to drive on the right not left, you must be wide awake!.  I do love these jets because the leg room is awesome.  The seats are comfortable but pressure changes are extremely noticible for me. 
The Captain says we are decending and almost reached 10,000 feet right now.  Ear pop, ear pop, ugghhh.  Maybe we will be early.....I know wishful thinking.